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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 7:44:52 AM

GeekyGirl

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I think it's odd how poly people often claim that "everyone is poly by nature" and yet monogamous people usually do not feel the need to make sweeping generalizations. We generally accept that poly is natural for SOME people and monogamy is right for SOME people.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 2/17/2007 7:46:56 AM >

(in reply to Magdalena156)

Post #: 61

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 7:46:36 AM

Magdalena156

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Joined: 2/13/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

The most annoying part is having to justify WHY I don't seek poly. Same as the above example. I shouldn't have to justify my reason for not wanting poly anymore than I should have to justify my reason for not wanting a partner with UMs. I should be able to say, "I don't want this trait in a partner" and leave it at that without explaining why.

There's a huge double standard in this that I often see where people aren't expected to justify being poly but they ARE expected to justify being monogamous.

I think it comes from the idea that since monogamy is culturally accepted that we're somehow being sheep and not questioning our choices or deeply examining them otherwise, and I don't think that this is universally the case--especially people in alternative lifestyles who are FORCED to question what they want on a regular basis in order to meet the needs of their relationship.

Just my $0.02 worth.

-m

< Message edited by Magdalena156 -- 2/17/2007 7:51:12 AM >

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 7:49:41 AM

Magdalena156

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

I think it's odd how poly people often claim that "everyone is poly by nature" and yet monogamous people usually do not feel the need to make sweeping generalizations. We generally accept that poly is natural for SOME people and monogamy is right for SOME people.

I've noticed that there are poly people out there who are VERY defensive about their lifestyle to the point of pushing it on others, and I find that to be wrong.

I have many friends who are in deeply fulfilling and mature poly relationships. I've also met many others whose relationships are fraught with more drama and dysfunction than I could shake a stick at. I suspect that many of those people aren't really wired to be poly and haven't admitted it to themselves--and hence why they struggle with it. Regardless, that's THEIR life choice and it's not my place to tell them right from wrong.

And the same goes in reverse.

We're constantly saying things around here like "Your kink is ok, my kink is ok", and I wish people would be that accepting over the mono versus poly issue. Let people be who they are and love as they will.

-m

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Post #: 63

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:40:49 AM

adaddysgirl

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i couldn't agree more with what you've said in your posts here. Saved me a lot of typing....lol.

Very good

Daddysgirl

(in reply to Magdalena156)

Post #: 64

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:41:02 AM

SirDominic

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geeky, I don't disagree with you about this particular guy, the two of you had enough conversations that he should have come clean.

You say some about what you don't want in your profile, but I didn't see in there anywhere the statement "only interested in a monogamous relationship". (Although I did see that you added it to your journal).

I was talking about the male mind and how it works. If there is a sliver of doubt in the profile, a lot of men will take that as worth taking a chance. If you would like to cut down on some of the pointless emails, I seriously suggest stating in no uncertain terms your preference IN your profile.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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Post #: 65

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:45:32 AM

GeekyGirl

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Thank you for the suggestion, Sir Dominic. It is one reason I added it to the journal (I don't like the idea of my whole profile having to come down while they review it, so I rarely do actual edits.)

I do specifically say "do not contact me if you are poly" in the profile which to me specifically states that I am seeking monogamy.

I consider it to be quite clear, at least if one reads carefully, but I also understand the point you are making and I'm going to go back and make it more clear.

Though honestly, I considered myself perfectly clear the first time when I said "do not contact me if you are poly." Obviously some people don't notice it or read carefully enough, so I'm adding it in up closer to the top.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 2/17/2007 8:47:21 AM >

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Post #: 66

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:48:10 AM

Magdalena156

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

geeky, I don't disagree with you about this particular guy, the two of you had enough conversations that he should have come clean.

You say some about what you don't want in your profile, but I didn't see in there anywhere the statement "only interested in a monogamous relationship". (Although I did see that you added it to your journal).

FWIW, I put that in my profile right away because when I initially didn't have time to fill it out, I got a LOT of email from couples hoping to add a bisexual female sub to their triad or group. I was very polite to each, told them that I'm not what they're looking for and I wished them luck in their search. I often notice that they're surprised that someone not only replied but was nice about it. I don't see a problem in what they're seeking, but I don't want to waste their time by getting their hopes up either. No reason to get hung up over it or offended that they emailed me.

Now that it explicitly states on my profile "monogamous and no couples", when I do get emails still from couples (which rarely happens) it tells me that they either didn't bother reading my profile or think that they can "convert" me--and yes, I've met a few of those! In that instance, I'm a lot less likely to reply at all.

-m

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Post #: 67

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 5:25:11 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Hafta disagree a little here in that it wasn't an unreasonable assumption for GeekyGirl to make.

mmmmmm she chats online for two weeks.. so I suppose because of that it makes them best buds and good to go....

somehow... I don't find two weeks of online chatting to be of alot of value.

Hell.. maybe after meeting her.. he saw there was no connection.. and basically lied... "I am really interested in poly" Knowing it would be a turn off for her.

I do agree... she avoid a bullet.... but... sometimes people put themselves in the line of fire. I suggest that instead of worrying what HE did... maybe she should consider what she can do... to minimize such wastes of time in the future... and just maybe not only miss a bullet but stays out of the line of fire.

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 5:27:26 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

I think it's odd how poly people often claim that "everyone is poly by nature" and yet monogamous people usually do not feel the need to make sweeping generalizations. We generally accept that poly is natural for SOME people and monogamy is right for SOME people.

mmmmmmm this in of itself has rather sweeping generalizations.. that in of itself is rather foolish.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 69

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 6:31:47 PM

unsung

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In quick reply: I concider myself monogamous, and when being pursued am very head strung on that notion. I however rationize that once a relationship is strong that perhaps we will reach another realm and include another hence the option of a poly relationship is not solely defunct in the equation. Alot of this for me is about growth in whole, and although my mind is in principal set in a way to get from point a to point b, it does not eliminate reaching point c. I try to stay open minded in this journey, with the right connection I believe much more is attainable then we initially lead on in the beginning. Just another thought to ponder.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 70

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 7:57:49 PM

GeekyGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Hafta disagree a little here in that it wasn't an unreasonable assumption for GeekyGirl to make.

mmmmmm she chats online for two weeks.. so I suppose because of that it makes them best buds and good to go....

somehow... I don't find two weeks of online chatting to be of alot of value.

Hell.. maybe after meeting her.. he saw there was no connection.. and basically lied... "I am really interested in poly" Knowing it would be a turn off for her.

I do agree... she avoid a bullet.... but... sometimes people put themselves in the line of fire. I suggest that instead of worrying what HE did... maybe she should consider what she can do... to minimize such wastes of time in the future... and just maybe not only miss a bullet but stays out of the line of fire.

We never actually met...we just made arrangements for such. If he was lying to get out of meeting me, that makes no sense. He messages me, asks me out, sets a date and time, and two minutes later admits he's poly. Sounds more like a last minute confession to me.

Here's what I don't understand. If you meet a girl and she tells you on day one that she is monogamous and seeking momogamy and you know that you are poly, why bother talking to that person for two weeks and asking them out? You knew from day one that they were not what you were looking for, so aren't you wasting both your time and theirs?

I was honest and upfront with him....I expect the same in return. I expected that if I told him I had no interest in poly, he would stand up, be a man and tell me he wasn't interested. I do not believe I did anything wrong...I was straightforward and to the point and he dodged the subject.

My only fault was in being naive enough to expect that other people would be as honest I was.

Eta: the fact that this was about poly vs mono is almost a side point...the point is about honesty and being upfront. If I'm talking to a prospective guy and I say , "You know I work in law enforcement and I would never date a person with a prison record", I feel he has an obligation to state "Well we wouldn't be compatible because I've been to prison." Or turn it around the other way...if I'm talking to a guy and he mentions to me that he wants a family one day, I feel a certain ethical obligation to tell him that I am unable to concieve children. It's just about being honest.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 2/17/2007 8:05:06 PM >

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Post #: 71

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:00:02 PM

FukinTroll

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Well Geeky it is because you are slurpalicious and he wanted to get his dirty little fingerprints all over you before you squicked out!

Well that was my plan anyway.

Slurp!

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:02:14 PM

GeekyGirl

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LOL, thanks Troll....

Everybody needs Troll love

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Post #: 73

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 8:05:32 PM

FukinTroll

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You bet ya!

Slurp!

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The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

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Post #: 74

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/17/2007 11:00:58 PM

reamer

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Geeky:

You have made more than several posts/threads involving the "committment" angle of the male. And now this thread.

Monog is generally something desired more by the female than the male, no matter what the male says at the outset of any potential relationship (even tele-evengelists preaching against adultery have been caught out; men whom cry out for monog can't be trusted simply by dint of their crying out for such).

But for most males(at least honest ones), monog means "giving something up". It's like being asked to buy a house with a mortgage rather than rent until the dream house comes along. I'm NOT saying that is right, or fair, just the way it is. And when you throw throw throw the risks of kink into the mix, it becomes more so than for Nilla relationships.

But even in those types of transactions, a man knows what he GETS in return for what he gives up, for being "locked in".

so with YOU, if a man gets locked in with monog, WHAT does he "get"?

How is that "SOMETHING" better than what he might get elsewhere, by "renting"/poly?

You've told us YOUR side of the story, the female side. What was HIS side? Since I feel there is something from that side we are NOT reading in this thread. Was there a particular sexual act that he likes/loves/needs that he found out that you were inexperienced in or generally unwilling to engage in?

Maybe yes, maybe no, but if so, if there was something that HE defined (in HIS words, not what you have chosen to share with us) as something he needed - sexually and in kink, on a daily or weekly basis - that you gave any indication might be a "maybe" versus something you'd give him as a monog dom as he liked and needed, well, THAT's the "trade-off", and if you indicated that stuff would be a "maybe" while presenting monog as a "must have", then sorry, you had no right to ask for monog.

So if what he needed (maybe) was anal (HARD) at least once a week and if he were to be able to enjoy that he'd be monog happily, and you somehow indicated that "you might consider that", it's not a fair deal, sorry, and he'd HAVE to look at other partners and not be monog with you. Same with real spanking versus mamby pampy hand-shit or feather floggers. Same with a LOT of things.

So as YOU asked for monog, what did HE ask for, PHYSICALY and anatomically?

< Message edited by reamer -- 2/17/2007 11:54:29 PM >

(in reply to Magdalena156)

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/18/2007 5:19:07 AM

meatcleaver

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Magdalena156

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I think most people believe in poly, they just don't have the bottle to tell their partner. I think half the problem is and this is just my theory and not based on anything other than personal observation, males and females have a propensity towards poly at different times of their life or a situation right for one partner is not for another. Whether people cheat (and it appears most do) or whether they are poly in the open, people appear to be polyamorous by nature. When one is seeking a monogamous rlationship, one is better off keeping this in mind instead of fooling themselves that their knight in shining armour will be forever faithful or that even they themselves will be forever faithful.

I'm sorry, but I disagree. People are not polyamorous by nature any more than everyone is gay or straight by nature. Some people are, yes. But not all.

I'm sure people's personal situations will decide whether someone remains monogamous or not. Very few people appear to find an ideal partner and many people who remain monogamous do so under social pressure or perceived social pressure. If you live in a conservative christian neighbourhood a person is going to find it that much more difficult to break one of the cardinal rules. But the fact that 40% of people remain monogamous doesn't disprove my view that people are generally polyamourous. I think my view is supported by the fact that so many people (60%) don't remain monogamous despite the social pressure to be so. If you believe most surveys, most marriages are not happy affairs but accommodations between two people and the moment children are involved responsible people will put those first before their own sexual inclinations to wander beyond the family home. I doubt it is happiness and sexual satisfaction that keeps 40% monogamous.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 2/18/2007 5:21:54 AM >

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/18/2007 7:20:01 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

My only fault was in being naive enough to expect that other people would be as honest I was.

My mistake in that you never actually met... and that the point you express about honesty is indeed important!

Of course.... interesting that you figure he telling the truth about about the poly... but figure he was lying about it. Not meeting... he could of be some 60 year old just seeing if he could hook a young girls interest. could be alot of things... I suspect from what he shared in an online sitaution.. you can't know what is truth and what is not. Everything that was stated to you could of been right on the bubble... or it could of been everything... or maybe a simple lie at the end because he actually lacked the courage to meet you...

very difficult to know what is truth and not truth in the online only situation...... I guess that is why so many want to meet and avoid only online situations.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 77

RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/18/2007 7:49:52 AM

LadyMorgynn

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Geeky,

Just be grateful he told you before the relationship got off the ground!

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/18/2007 8:24:19 AM

adaddysgirl

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For some (such as myself) monogamy is just the way i need to do things. Some would call it hard wired....that's okay by me. The point is that i don't (and have never) had any desire to share intimacy with more than one person at a time. i have no desire at all to share myself in any physical way (be it sex or play or whatever) with more than one person at a time. And trust me, at almost 50, this is not due to any social pressure because i can live my life any way i choose.

And if the time came where something happened and i could no longer share that intimacy with that person for some reason, then i would end it with that person and move on. And i wouldn't go behind someone's back either. As a matter of fact, i have always made sure that the other person was well aware the relationship was over before i even thought of dating again. i would not give anyone false hope.

i respect monogamous people who make a commitment to one person and try to work together to make things work because that is the commitment they've made to each other. And sure, maybe things come up that end up not being workable but to me, that doesn't mean go jump in the sack with someone else and that makes it all better. That means agreeing that maybe it's just time to go our separate ways and find another who might be more compatible with our needs.

Now maybe others have different needs....and i am not just talking about poly. i am also including those who can never feel satisfied with just one partner...or as soon as things get bad, their solution is to run around and cheat. Well, maybe that is the way they are wired. i have never tried to 'make' a guy be monogamous. To me, either he is or he isn't.

Which is again why i try to find a partner who shares this same persepective...or call it a trait, if you will. i'm not sure why so many get the impression people have to force themselves to be monogamous. If your desire is to be with more than one person and you lock yourself into an exclusive position, well you have only yourself to blame. It isn't the person who is into monogamy's fault.

i recall a poly sub saying that she was so glad she was in a poly household because she will never be alone. Hey, that's great for her. But even for that reason, some of us just have no desire to be in that situation. i wonder why that is such a hard concept to grasp.

DG

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RE: Since everyone is talking about monogamy.... - 2/18/2007 8:39:16 AM

novicecourtesan

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adaddysgirl:

I couldn't have said it better myself. It has nothing to do with whether humans are innately poly or not. (There are many, many debates on this, by the way, that rebut the traditional assumption that monogamy is a forced social construct. Not that I believe them, I'm just saying it's still a relatively open subject). It's just sort of my own code. I've never cheated on anyone, intentionally or otherwise--I always try to make sure they know it's over. And my days of being the "other woman" are long gone. If the man I'm with sees monogamy as a sacrifice rather than something that's right for him, then it rarely lasts.

I think my submissiveness is based on intimacy, and trusting and feeling special to that one person who wants only me. I know that more women want it than men, and it's not easy to find, but it seems to happen enough that I know there's a dom out there who thinks like me.

I don't think monogamy means forever. I wish it did and I always enter into it thinking that it does. But relationships--poly, monogamous, d/s, vanilla, gay, straight--break up all the time, for various reasons, no matter how long people have been together and what they've shared. If security and family and longevity is really important to you in a relationship then there are going to be struggles no matter what lifestyle choices you make.

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

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