Many questions about the slave mentality (Full Version)

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SerchingGirl -> Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 8:52:16 AM)

Greetings all

I am hoping to find some answers to my many questions I have in regards to the thinking behind a slave.

I have been in a very serious relationship with a man who was heavily involved with the BDSM lifestyle before I met him. He kept it a secret from me due to "embarrasment" he said. I should point out that I have never been into the lifestyle and am not searching to become involved. Anyways, he stopped for the 1 1/2 yrs that we lived together. He said he no longer needed "it" with me in his life and that I was his life now.....

Recently we broke up because he said he was confused about sex and relationships. Needless to say, I'm heart broken. I don't understand why he would go back to the BDSM lifestyle when he was happy with me...I tried every way to make him feel comfortable with it and tried to spice up our sex life with it as well.

Will he always be a slave at heart? Once you are exposed to the lifestyle can you ever trully be in a relationship with both the man and woman are equal when it comes to sex? I am not opposed to the lifestyle, however it breaks my heart to see that he has thrown his dreams away for an addiction.

Please help me to understand the thinking behind a slave. Once a slave, always a slave?



AquaticSub -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 8:59:42 AM)

It's not being exposed to the lifestyle that makes you a slave, a submissive or any of the other things that we are. You are what you are and there nothing to be done about it.

Before I was exposed to this lifestyle, I was still a submissive. I still did everything that I could to please everyone, bending over backwards to make people happy - friends and lovers alike. In fact realizing that I was a submissive is one of the best things that could have happened to me. I don't have to make everyone happy - just my owner and the people I care about.

Some people can manage without "offical" mastery or ownership better then others. I did fairly well when I didn't know what I was doing, but I don't think I would want to go back now. It makes me happy and content in a way that a non-power exchange relationship just couldn't give me. Others are better then me at fulfilling their desire to serve without being given offical commands and those people would probably do well in a vanilla relationship with an alpha personality.

I'm sorry that you lost someone you care about, but to me being a submissive or a dominant isn't much different then being heterosexual as opposed to homosexual. A heterosexual isn't addicted to having relationships with women, it's just what they do. This is what we do and what he does. You just are what you are and there isn't much to be done about it.

Edited to address the addiction statement.



chastemale -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:00:11 AM)

Not necessarily 'once a slave always a slave' but very much, "once into kink it's pretty uch part of your makeup".

I'd stop calling it an addiction (unless it really impairs his ability to function in the world).  It's a taste. Some people like vanilla ice cream, others like only chocolate.  They can try to give up chocolate for a long time, but really.. they want it.

I suggest lots of discussion here. Find out what he really wants and what you feel comfortable giving him.  You may find out you can get a lot out of it.  Ever want to come home every night to a freshly cooked dinner, a foot massage and the house cleaned.  Have your slave do it.

On the other hand if it's all about "him", then I wouldn't call him a slave, just needy.

Or perhaps you find yourself unwilling/unable to meet his needs, but willing to loan him out to a Mistress who can.

Really I can only suggest, "discuss the hell out of it with him" if he's worth it.  



toservez -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:06:59 AM)

Without much context especially what his motivations were or what he was missing about this life, but since you use the word slave, my first reaction is to correct you this is not some type of kink addiction and the overall feeling of a person who calls themselves a slave is way more then about sex.

Being a slave is unique to everyone but some of the common factors that he may have been missing would be things like uncertainly of day to day things a regular relationship might have, Not wanting to make so many decisions in his life or wanting to guess at what you want in certain area and the certain constant feeling of being a slave when it is lived and yes does include the kink aspects as they are key to feeling this. It can be a very freeing, relaxing and greatly increase focus and happiness in a slave to live like one.

He may or may not have been happy with you but at the same time his anxiety level or desire to live a certain way may have just grown where he could no longer deny this in his life. Maybe a need you do not understand but addiction is too strong of a word for my tastes.

Maybe think of it as that there are many people who find themselves involved in a good relationship and then find out their partner is gay and that he could no longer deny that is who he is. We would not call that an addiction.




tangldupinblue -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:12:17 AM)

i can only speak for myself...but yes once a slave always a slave. its who i am. its not an addiction nor a choice.

i am so very sorry that you are hurting over this, i only ask that you not throw this is his face like its something dirty and wrong, you dont have to understand it but it would be great if you could accept it.

blue



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:16:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

Greetings all

I am hoping to find some answers to my many questions I have in regards to the thinking behind a slave.

I have been in a very serious relationship with a man who was heavily involved with the BDSM lifestyle before I met him. He kept it a secret from me due to "embarrasment" he said. I should point out that I have never been into the lifestyle and am not searching to become involved. Anyways, he stopped for the 1 1/2 yrs that we lived together. He said he no longer needed "it" with me in his life and that I was his life now.....

Recently we broke up because he said he was confused about sex and relationships. Needless to say, I'm heart broken. I don't understand why he would go back to the BDSM lifestyle when he was happy with me...I tried every way to make him feel comfortable with it and tried to spice up our sex life with it as well.

Will he always be a slave at heart? Once you are exposed to the lifestyle can you ever trully be in a relationship with both the man and woman are equal when it comes to sex? I am not opposed to the lifestyle, however it breaks my heart to see that he has thrown his dreams away for an addiction.

Please help me to understand the thinking behind a slave. Once a slave, always a slave?


It's not an addiction. It's part of who he is and what he desires. Denying something in yourself doesn't mean you aren't that...it means that you're in denial. People deny themselves for many reasons; it sounds like for him, he has guilt issues about it and he's been taught that it's "wrong". It's not.

People who deny themselves for the sake of a relationship (and we've all done it) are doing themselves and their partners a great disservice. They are selling that piece of themselves for the acceptance of another; in other words, they're buying love. This means that the outward approval they have from someone else is more important than their approval of themselves. It sets them up for failure in a couple of ways. First, at some point, their partner WILL be disappointed in them. At that point, their issues with self-worth come to the forefront and they struggle, often deeply. Second, at some point they may 'wake up' as your partner has done and realize what they've been doing (not approving of themselves and living in denial). This often leads to a lot of pain on both parts, as you know.

What needs to happen here: you each have to decide if this new revelation is a deal-breaker. Actually, the decision is up to you now because it sounds like he's already seen that it is and has chosen to not deny himself any longer. Can you embrace this side of him? If not, would you be open to him finding someone outside your relationship in order to fulfill this side of him? In the end, you have to look at what's healthy for you...and choose accordingly.

Master Fire



litleone8620 -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:22:05 AM)

I cannot speak for your partner, and if i read your post right, it seems to me you broke up because he was confused by his feelings for you, a 'nonlifestyler'.

You said yourself you both tried to make the other more comfortable, and maybe he enjoyed the equal relationship, and that confused him. Like i said, i can't speak for your partner, that's something you'll have to ask him about.

Regarding your question: For some, once a slave, always a slave, is true. I will ALWAYS have that mentality, but i can live without it, as i am now.

You just need to talk with your ex-boyfriend, to figure out where his mindset is.

Good luck, and i'm sorry you lost someone you so obviously cared about.




SerchingGirl -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:23:10 AM)

Thank you for the responses.

I don't mean to classify the BDSM lifestyle as "wrong"...that is not the case at all. As I mentioned before, I am fairly new to it and just trying to find out as much as I can. However, my ex boyfriend has become addicted to it, where every chance he gets he is on-line talking, searching and viewing pictures. That to me is unhealthy because I feel as though he isn't getting out and living life.

Thanks again for your responses! This is helping me a great deal to understand the lifestyle.



AquaticSub -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:40:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

Thank you for the responses.

I don't mean to classify the BDSM lifestyle as "wrong"...that is not the case at all. As I mentioned before, I am fairly new to it and just trying to find out as much as I can. However, my ex boyfriend has become addicted to it, where every chance he gets he is on-line talking, searching and viewing pictures. That to me is unhealthy because I feel as though he isn't getting out and living life.

Thanks again for your responses! This is helping me a great deal to understand the lifestyle.


Could you describe in greater detail why you consider this to be an addiction?

Does it interfere with his job? Does it interfere in his relationships with his friends (their potential reservations about this lifestyle do not count)? Does it interfere with his ability to form a healthy relationship with a person who understands and enjoys this lifestyle?

Everyone has the things they like to do more then others and, as my pyschology professor once put it, we are all addicted to something. The only thing that matters is the focus of our addiction and the level at which we are addicted to it.

And honestly, since he's spent a year and half trying to be vanilla for you I can't blame him! I'd be online, looking at the things that turn me on and talking to people about it too. He may just be trying to reestablish the connections he gave up. If you don't eat chocolate for a long time and then suddenly allow yourself to have it, you probably will overindulge at first.



toservez -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:43:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

Thank you for the responses.

I don't mean to classify the BDSM lifestyle as "wrong"...that is not the case at all. As I mentioned before, I am fairly new to it and just trying to find out as much as I can. However, my ex boyfriend has become addicted to it, where every chance he gets he is on-line talking, searching and viewing pictures. That to me is unhealthy because I feel as though he isn't getting out and living life.

Thanks again for your responses! This is helping me a great deal to understand the lifestyle.



While I will agree spending all ones time searching on the net is unhealthy it does not mean an addiction to the lifestyle. It just means making poor choices and being in an improper mind frame.

Taking the computer away will not stop him from being a slave. He had been one before so he knows what it is like and while again his actions are not healthy, he is also not getting lost into something he knows nothing about and no magic pill or action can cure him and makes thing right if he needs this in his life.




SerchingGirl -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 9:59:08 AM)

I personally believe that his case is an addiction, but then again I have been wrong many times in my life.

For one, none of his friends know of his lifestyle. If this is the lifestyle that he wishes to live, then why the embarrasement? Why can he not even confide in his closest friends? Why can he not confide in me when I've been very open to discussion and the possibilty to the lifestyle myself? It clearly has interfered with his ability to form a healthy relationship with a woman- hence we now refer to one another as our "ex". I enjoyed being dominant in bed with him and worked my ass off to understand the lifestyle. I suppose perhaps he wants someone with experience rather than someone like me, who is new to it yet sill open to the possibilities.

In addition, I don't think it is healthy when night after night someone consumes themself with sex. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, I simply don't think that is healthy. I feel as though it could be compared to alcoholism...when someone drinks themselves into a drunken stuper everynight, is that healthy?

Again, please don't think I am bashing anyone here. I wouldn't be on this website asking questions if I thought it was wrong. I'm simply trying to understand and educate myself.




BitaTruble -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:07:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

Thank you for the responses.

I don't mean to classify the BDSM lifestyle as "wrong"...that is not the case at all. As I mentioned before, I am fairly new to it and just trying to find out as much as I can. However, my ex boyfriend has become addicted to it, where every chance he gets he is on-line talking, searching and viewing pictures. That to me is unhealthy because I feel as though he isn't getting out and living life.

Thanks again for your responses! This is helping me a great deal to understand the lifestyle.


Hi Searching Girl, 

First, welcome to Collarme and the forums. (I'm in MN, too.)

I'm going to have to side with the camp that says once a slave, always a slave IF someone has that sort of hard-wiring. It's possible it may be a kink thang. Folks new to BDSM often view this as an E ticket Disneyland thrill ride, then get bored and leave it, simply adding the experience to the resume of their lives. The ride can last several years, (as many as five, but generally, no more than five) but it's still a ride. If BDSM or D/s is ingrained, they'll be back or they'll be miserable and from the few posts you've made, it's hard to tell which one of those may fit your ex b/f.  That said, it in no way alleviates the possibility that he may very well be addicted to BDSM and or pornography related BDSM. It's a real concern if it's interfering with his life and daily activities and needs to be addressed by competent counciling.

If you are starting a search into BDSM 'for' him (and I did read that he is an 'ex', so take great care here) and aren't interested in it 'for' yourself, the odds are that things won't work out between you. You could get lucky though. If I were you, I'd examine, quite closely my own motivations in finding out more about BDSM. Does it pull or call to you or are you seeking out information to satisfy your boyfriends needs hoping to win him back? Your needs are just as important, so don't give up who you are by trying to be who you think he needs you to be.

You really need to sit down and have a major pow wow with him.. and more importantly, have one with yourself, too.

Good luck to you!

Celeste



AquaticSub -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:08:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

I personally believe that his case is an addiction, but then again I have been wrong many times in my life.

For one, none of his friends know of his lifestyle. If this is the lifestyle that he wishes to live, then why the embarrasement?


I can attest first-hand to the fact that many people are not open-minded about the lifestyle. Like homosexuals, we have a closet and some of us prefer to stay in it. People have been fired from their jobs being BDSM and we have little legal protection. You can get your children taken away from you too.

quote:


Why can he not even confide in his closest friends? Why can he not confide in me when I've been very open to discussion and the possibilty to the lifestyle myself?


Since you think it's an addiction, I wouldn't confide in you either. No offense but I don't talk about issues regarding my bisexuality with people who thinks it an addiction/phase/sin.

quote:


It clearly has interfered with his ability to form a healthy relationship with a woman- hence we now refer to one another as our "ex".



No. I said with a woman interested in the lifestyle. A slave trying to have a relationship with a vanilla woman is a lot like a gay man trying to have a relationship with a woman. When you understand this, you will be much better off.

quote:


I enjoyed being dominant in bed with him and worked my ass off to understand the lifestyle. I suppose perhaps he wants someone with experience rather than someone like me, who is new to it yet sill open to the possibilities.


It sounds to me like he wants someone who will be dominant to him outside of the bedroom. Were you willing to try this? Did you make it clear? Were you being honest?

quote:


In addition, I don't think it is healthy when night after night someone consumes themself with sex. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, I simply don't think that is healthy. I feel as though it could be compared to alcoholism...when someone drinks themselves into a drunken stuper everynight, is that healthy?


What do you mean by consume themselves with sex? My dominant and I talk about our d/s relationship all the time, we have sex at least very couple of days and in previous days when I was not into monogamy I had sex with people multiple times a day every day (same partners - been tested - used protection - all that great stuff). I went to adult stores and bought new toys whenever, and I do mean whenever, I could afford it. Doing this, I still managed to get everything done for school and had plenty of friends. Sex is my hobby, I freely admit that. Perhaps that is what is going on with your ex?



litleone8620 -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:24:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

For one, none of his friends know of his lifestyle. If this is the lifestyle that he wishes to live, then why the embarrasement? Why can he not even confide in his closest friends? Why can he not confide in me when I've been very open to discussion and the possibilty to the lifestyle myself? It clearly has interfered with his ability to form a healthy relationship with a woman- hence we now refer to one another as our "ex". I enjoyed being dominant in bed with him and worked my ass off to understand the lifestyle. I suppose perhaps he wants someone with experience rather than someone like me, who is new to it yet sill open to the possibilities.

In addition, I don't think it is healthy when night after night someone consumes themself with sex. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, I simply don't think that is healthy. I feel as though it could be compared to alcoholism...when someone drinks themselves into a drunken stuper everynight, is that healthy?



He probably hasn't told his friends because he thinks they wouldn't understand. Not all of my friends know, and i'm probably going to keep it that way. Just because he hasn't told his friends, doesn't mean he's embarassed or ashamed of the choices he's made.

He most definitely can have a healthy relationship. It'll be with a dominant person of his chosing.

I'm sure you tried to please him. But to me, that sounds like you were the submissive one, and him the dominant. Because you were dominanting him for HIM and he might have found that distasteful.

You said yourself in your first post that "I have never been in the lifestyle and am not searching to become involved"  That might have been obvious to him. Maybe he thought you're relationship wasn't going anywhere. It's obvious he was unhappy (if he spent all night looking at porn), and maybe it's a good thing he broke up with you.

A person should never have to be someone they're not.

As far as calling the lifestyle an addiction, it's not. I'm living without it right now. Though i do visit these forums more often than i should, but it doesn't impair my life.

If he is willing, you really need to sit down, and talk with him. I think it would do you both some good.



SerchingGirl -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:27:53 AM)

The funny thing in all of this is that I'm the one addicted to sex. I shouldn't say addicted however because I'm OK if I don't have sex for awhile, however if the opportunity was there I'd take full advantage of it! If I had it my way, I'd have sex numerous times a day. I was the sexual one in the relationship by far...always trying to throw a little sexual energy into everything we did. 
A little background...I was the first person that he had intercourse with. He held off till he was 27 yrs old because he was waiting for the "right" woman. I feel as though now that he has experienced intercourse, it has perhaps opened up a new world to him. Perhaps this is why he is "confused" about sex at the moment?

I am very curious to know what your opinion of an addiction is then and if there is an unhealthy addiction? I've gathered from the postings that many believe there is no such thing as an unhealthy addiction. Taking about the BDSM lifestyle, or any sexual lifestyle for that matter, when is it too much? At what point do you cross the line and accept that there may be an addiction? I firmly believe that if you need something and are dependent on that something in your life to function, that is when it's gone too far.



AquaticSub -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:32:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

The funny thing in all of this is that I'm the one addicted to sex. I shouldn't say addicted however because I'm OK if I don't have sex for awhile, however if the opportunity was there I'd take full advantage of it! If I had it my way, I'd have sex numerous times a day. I was the sexual one in the relationship by far...always trying to throw a little sexual energy into everything we did. 
A little background...I was the first person that he had intercourse with. He held off till he was 27 yrs old because he was waiting for the "right" woman. I feel as though now that he has experienced intercourse, it has perhaps opened up a new world to him. Perhaps this is why he is "confused" about sex at the moment?

I am very curious to know what your opinion of an addiction is then and if there is an unhealthy addiction? I've gathered from the postings that many believe there is no such thing as an unhealthy addiction. Taking about the BDSM lifestyle, or any sexual lifestyle for that matter, when is it too much? At what point do you cross the line and accept that there may be an addiction? I firmly believe that if you need something and are dependent on that something in your life to function, that is when it's gone too far.


We aren't saying there aren't unhealthy addictions. We are saying that we don't think this is one.

You haven't shown us any proof that his interest/addiction is interfering with his life. A man who drinks himself to dealth is unhealthy. A man who is unable to have a relationship because he values his booze over his lover is unhealthy. However, just because he can't have a relationship with you doesn't mean prove he can't have a relationship. Like a gay man and a woman, you simply can't provide what he needs. Or at least you don't want to.

He may well have an internet or porn addiction. However, you should understand that this addiction has nothing to do with the lifestyle. Many vanilla men are addicted to porn and I doubt you would say it's their vanilla lifestyle causing the addiction.

The fact that you were the one always trying to throw sex it provides further evidence that what he wanted was a dominant woman. Some BDSM relationships, particularly dominant women/submissive men, are based off chasity because they both want his focus to be serving in the home. Perhaps that is what your ex wants.



BitaTruble -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:38:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

I am very curious to know what your opinion of an addiction is then and if there is an unhealthy addiction?


I actually addressed this in my post, but you may have missed it. Unhealthy addiction is when your daily life is being effected negatively. Is he missing/late to work/school because he's surfing the net for BDSM porn? Is he skipping meals, failing to get proper rest because he stays up all night? If such is the case, Searching Girl, you can't help him. He needs competent therapy and the best thing you could do for him is to get him in to see a professional. All that said, he is an 'ex', and there is very little you can actually do for him if he pushes you away.

My heart goes out to you. There is just no easy answer, no magic fix. That's one of the reasons that entering into a M/s life, regardless of whether or not someone must so as to remain true to themselves, can be a very difficult road to walk.

Celeste



BBBTBW -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 10:59:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

The funny thing in all of this is that I'm the one addicted to sex. I shouldn't say addicted however because I'm OK if I don't have sex for awhile, however if the opportunity was there I'd take full advantage of it! If I had it my way, I'd have sex numerous times a day. I was the sexual one in the relationship by far...always trying to throw a little sexual energy into everything we did. 
A little background...I was the first person that he had intercourse with. He held off till he was 27 yrs old because he was waiting for the "right" woman. I feel as though now that he has experienced intercourse, it has perhaps opened up a new world to him. Perhaps this is why he is "confused" about sex at the moment?

I am very curious to know what your opinion of an addiction is then and if there is an unhealthy addiction? I've gathered from the postings that many believe there is no such thing as an unhealthy addiction. Taking about the BDSM lifestyle, or any sexual lifestyle for that matter, when is it too much? At what point do you cross the line and accept that there may be an addiction? I firmly believe that if you need something and are dependent on that something in your life to function, that is when it's gone too far.


First of all let me say that I too am sorry that you have been hurt, and good for you for finding out if there is anything you can do to repair your relationship.

Highlighted in red is the key phrase.  You stated the word "need", not want.  When you need something and you are dependent on that something (such as food, water, air) it is a need.  If he needs this in his life then it is as vital to him as food, water, and air.  It is vital to his mental and emotional well being. 

You admit that you don't know much about the lifestyle and that is fine as long as you heed what you are being told.  The BDSM lifestyle is about sex for some, but I am of the belief that for most, sex is but a small part of the whole painting.  If he identifies with being a slave, and he needs it as part of his life, then being  dominant in the bedroom is probably not enough.  If you are not a naturally dominant person he probably associates your actions with roleplay.  There is nothing wrong with roleplay but it is not for everyone.  He may need someone who is sincere about his needs.

He might be confused about sex because some submissive men equate intercourse with being dominant.  Sure they like the physical release but the whole act goes against their moral fiber.

Only a handful of my friends and a few of my family members know that I identify with being a dominant female.  One real big reason is because most everyone that is not knowledgeable about what a dominant is in relation to a submissive confuse it with deviant sex.  That is probably why he is in his closet about it.  None of anyone's business.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 11:20:54 AM)

Being a male dominant is easy compared to being a male submissive.  I get to thump my chest about all sorts of things that our society looks at as "good".  I am strong, powerful, influential, a talented lover, a stud and the list goes on.

Compare that to a male submissive.  There aren't a lot of positive adjectives one can tack onto it.  Even in mainstream BDSM being a male submissive is looked down upon by many. 

That said, what are YOUR objections to this?  What is it he wanted  you wouldn't provide.  If this list doesn't come easily to you, realize what that means.  This man who you cared for had needs you didn't even know.  If you can come up with the list, what is it about doing that you object to?

Are YOU hung up on images of power?  Do YOU need a man who is "strong"?

Believe me, I am not attacking you but I am trying to make you think deeply about this.  I am driving at what it is you are afraid of losing and until you know the deep seated truth about that, nothing can be done to make this work.

My bet is that you NEED him to be powerful and fear that by being submissive that makes him weak and that scares you.  Don't look at it that way.  Imagine instead the power it takes in THIS society to reject all of the stereotypes, inviting ridicule and rejection, all to embrace your true self.  THAT is strength, THAT is real power!

Anyway, I look forward to talking more with you about this as long as you continue to be open and honest.



toservez -> RE: Many questions about the slave mentality (2/16/2007 11:25:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerchingGirl

I am very curious to know what your opinion of an addiction is then and if there is an unhealthy addiction? I've gathered from the postings that many believe there is no such thing as an unhealthy addiction. Taking about the BDSM lifestyle, or any sexual lifestyle for that matter, when is it too much? At what point do you cross the line and accept that there may be an addiction? I firmly believe that if you need something and are dependent on that something in your life to function, that is when it's gone too far.


As Aquaticsub has spelled out nicely what addiction is. Certainly there is frenzy in this life that some have when first getting into it and that can look like addiction, but since he has been in the life before I have a difficult time believing he has been overtaken by flight of fantasy. Spending all free time on a computer and an addiction which would be making time for this by sacrificing things like work and contact with family are two very different things. How someone spends their free time is a personal choice and men are not particularly social animals when they are single.

If he does have an addiction, and I have not seen any evidence written so far, this is not a chemical addiction but a behavioral addiction and it would have been with him during your time. Did he get addictive to other interests during your time together? Even addicted to you? You just do not get addicted to something like computer sex without there being many signs and other things that came before it.

As others have said, keeping this life a secret to most if not all people that are not in it as well is much more common then telling close family and friends. I imagine it was one of the toughest things to do was for him to tell you about it.

From your writings it is very clear how much you care for this man and would love him back in your life. My heart truly goes out to you because of this. Obviously you are struggling with the reason the relationship ended. While I think trying to gain an understanding from his angle is nice in itself, it just appears to me from your writings it is less about that and more about understanding it enough in hope to find some magical antidote so you can have things like you had them again.

Unless he has been truly self destructive and it is just about orgasms to him, I would suggest stop focusing on the things that can prevent him from living the life he wants and spend time understanding it is not anyone’s intentional fault or you can do something to change him and move on with your life in a healthy manor whatever direction that is.



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