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This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 3:43:57 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		This is really long, but please bear with me... I really need help here. Almost a year ago my Mom filed for divorce from my Dad. It was the smartest thing she'd ever done, and I am very proud of her. The divorce was just finalized about a week ago (yes it took a full year of arguing lawyers to get things sorted out). I moved out of the house and lived with my Mom and brother in an apartment during the summer until I left for college.

I grew up belittled and emotionally scarred by my Dad, and moving out made me feel so liberated and independant. When he found out that my Mom was planning on leavng him, he, in an extreme act of manipulation, swallowed 60 sleeping pills and called her from a hotel. Cops found him, and he lived. But later in therapy it turned out that he only did that because he thought my Mom would be too afraid to leave him. Where do his children fit in his life? It was a huge slap in the face for us. (yes, it was determined that he was suffering from depression. But still, how do you forget about your own kids?)

Later, my brother and I didn't want to spend as much time with him, and only visited on occasion. He became so angry at this that he almost didn't attend my HS graduation! In the end he did, but not after much convincing from my Mom.

After a while he realized that how he'd been treating us was wrong and gave us space. He stopped questioning us about our Mom and stopped harping on visiting more often. My brother and I put on happy faces and acted as if nothing was the matter (we weren't supposed to know of what was going on with the divorce, so we just kept it secret). He came to believe that everything was okay. The whole time though, it felt like a lie. I was smiling and eating dinner with the man who almost ruined my Mom's buisness.

Now, my Mom makes significantly more money than my Dad. However, he makes enough to live on quite comfortably. But he was very vengeful and hired the worst attorney in the state to reprisent him and help him take as much of my Mom's money as possible. Aside from stealing her money legally, he also illegally hid funds and moved money around without anyone's knowledge. In the end my Mom ended up paying him a huge sum of money just to leave us alone. She didn't even take into account the stuff he'd illegally hid, she just let him have it.

Now, about a month after my Mom first filed, my Dad started dating a woman ... we'll call her Sophie. *a made up name* She is also divorced and has two kids ages 6 and 9. To this day I have still not met her. Now I was having dinner with my Dad about two days ago and he announced that he and Sophie are getting married in late May! I was blown away! They had been together for less than a year, and he was still married to my Mom until just recently. AND Sophie (who has never met me) wants me to be a bridesmaid! My Dad wants my brother to be his best man. They've already got me a dress! (how manipulative!)

So here's my problem... I still care about my father and I can see that he has some problems. He really is a nice guy, but just has these horrible hangups. I want to keep a very limited relationship with him. The thing is, if I don't go to the wedding, I will have to explain why (which would be very emotional and there are some things that I just can't explain. He will never really understand) and it will create a huge rift between the two of us. If I do go, I will be living a lie. Smiling for all those pictures when in my heart I am terribly angry. All I'll be able to think will be "That ring was bought with my Mom's money, and that house, and those toys for Sophie's kids...". And I'm afraid he'll get the impression that I'm okay with everything and will want to do more with me, and include me more in his life. I don't see how I can keep the relationship limited!

Please, if you have any insights or thoughts, I'm all ears! It's difficult for me to step back and look at things rationally, so I'm hoping you might have something to add that I haven't yet considered. It's just eating me up inside and I just want everything to be over and done with. Thanks for bearing with me... I know that was really long.
~FP

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"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West
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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 4:16:00 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
Greetings FP.

You ultimately must do only what you are comfortable with. If attending the wedding would be a bad thing for you, then don't attend.

The thing you must do is forgive yourself. There is nothing to feel bad about or guilty of. Once you can move past the pain you feel about how you can't be open to your father is the time you can be open.

You have felt manipulated in the past. You feel manipulated now. You know for yourself You cannot decide if the marriage is right for your father or this woman or her children, but you can decide what is right for you. People may manipulate you and try to 'force' you into something that your not jappy with. People always will. You should accept that this is a fact and happens. However, even if its a fact, you do not have to submit to it. To understand it allows you to be released from it.

If you do not wish to let down your father like He has let you and your family down, possibly offer a compromise? Attend the wedding is this would be ok for you, but decline being a bridesmaid?

If you can't talk to Him about things, how about a letter? Or maybe if He has a computer, record your words on a disc and send it to Him? That way, you can write what you want to say, say it, and He will hear the emotion in your voice also. Sometimes words can read harsher than we want them to be.

But in the end, You be happy and do whats best for you. You don't owe anyone anything. You only owe yourself your own happiness and comfort.

Peace and Love

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 4:17:14 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		All of this has a familiar ring to it fencerpet. Only my parents didn't divorce, my mother died. My dad never accepted us for who we are, he had ideals that we just didn't fit into and he let us know that on a regular basis. A year of so after my mother died he remarried, because I live in another state I never met her, but my sister that lived close by did. The woman was my age. He didn't spend his money (and my mothers life insurance money) on her kids, instead she spent it on her drugs and drinking. He put up with her for about a year before he finally called it quits. My sister on the other hand didn't put up with her at all. My dad paid the price for his sins, he still is. He should be retired by now but because she took him for everything he is still having to work for a living. But, there comes a time when you have to mend fences (no pun intended), he is your dad and the only one you'll ever have. It may not seem important now, I know it didn't to me, but the day will come when he will finally realizes what he has done and what pain he has caused and only if you are open to it will he be able to tell you himself. Bad things happen in divorces all the time, but that's life and shit happens. If he is trying then you should too, like I said, it may not seem important now, but in time it will be. I still treasure the moment my dad told me that he finally realized that he had to love his kids for who they are not who he wanted them to be.

Would you be living a lie? Not really. Your anger is something that you personally have to get past. Have you talked to your mom about it? How does she feel about it? If she isn't angry then do you have the right to be either? If she is passed it, maybe you should try to get there as well. Sometimes peace of mind is worth losing material belongings over. Maybe it was a price she was willing to pay. You have to decide what cost your peace of mind is?

Jewel

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 5:37:20 AM   
Guest
 The best advice I can recommend with the information provided is this:

Before you attempt to speak with your father at all about any of these deep seated feelings, lock yourself up in your room with a box of tissues, some chocolate (or other comfort food) and a pen and paper (yeah old fashioned writing implements) and write your father a letter from the heart. Please do not use a computer as there is something far more cathartic about putting pen to paper.

Bare everything you feel, hold absolutely nothing back. Your feelings on how he treated you growing up (the belittling as well as the good things) your feelings on the divorce, his underhandedness with the finances vis a vis your mother , the new marriage and all it entails, your resentments about being placed "in the middle", your fears and expctations abotu the future, and absolutely everything and anything that may come out - good or bad. Spill your feelings onto that paper; both the feelings that you are proud of owning, and those you may be less willing to show to the light of day (but which you must in order to heal, grow and move forward). Cry, yell, hell throw things if it makes the process easier, but put pen to paper.

When you can't write anymore then put the letter aside, take a long hot bath and then a nice long nap and spend the next day or so with close friends pursuing fun activities to take your mind off the feelings the letter brought to the surface. After a few days or even a week, return to the letter and read it several times and ingest as much as you can. Ultimately this has nothing to do with your father, and everything to do with you. That being the case, Do not send it to him, instead you should destroy it. Perhaps a ritualistic burning or some other ceremonial purging (symbolically putting it behind you).

I trust you will find that afterwards you will have far more clarity than you could ever imagine possible and can then address the issues with your father with a renewed sense of self awareness and self empowerment - and you may even have a new found sense of compassion, understanding and forgiveness which have been understandably clouded by your emotions to date (if not, that's OK too). He is your father, yes, and your relationship with him will have a profound impact on the rest of your life and those in your imediate and extended family. This excercise has so little to do with him, and everythign to do with you. Though some things are unforgiveable, only you can decide what meets your own litmus test. In my experience, you should also, after processing your own feelings in such a manner, then have the strength both to set the boundaries you will need for a healthy relationship as an adult daughter of yet another imperfect father, and the strength to tell him how you feel in a loving way (should you still feel the need) so you don't harbor additional feelings of guilt or make matters worse for all involved.

If you do decide afterwards to confront him, keep the finger wagging to a minimum- we've all got our issues after all. If, after processing, you feel you do not want him in your life or cannot at this time, there is no shame in that either so long as you are honest and loving. We, meaning self-respecting adults, are ultimately only responsible for our sides of the street in any given relationship. His side of the street is his responsibility and even if he can never address his own failings, errors and character liabilities to your satisfaction, ultimately it won't matter much if you've addressed your own feelings thoroughly.

Keep in mind that nobody can tell you how you should feel or react to this situation, not even those who have been through experiences that mirror it - though they can certainly commiserate and listen/help you process your feelings and make pertinent suggestions to process them (as I have done). The bottom line is that you need to find your truth inside you, nurture it and make it a bulwark against future manipulations from your father. This is also a vital component to you're own process of becoming a young, emotionally sound adult.

My suggestion is just that. Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck.

Mod5



< Message edited by ModeratorFive -- 3/15/2005 5:42:07 AM >

(in reply to fencerpet19)
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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 8:03:58 AM   
ruffnecksbabygir


Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		i had a very disfunctional family growing up....my dad was abusive, mom would take me and escape in the middle of the night to women's battered shelters, dad would threaten to kill us....yadda yadda yadda....anyhow, by the time i was a teenager i was extremely resentful of my father and once my mother finally liberated herself from him i decided to just block him out of my life...and i did this for some years, i did not invite him to my wedding at the time, we would bump into eachother every now and then in the street and we'd greet eachother but that's about it.

After some years passed, and life slapped me in the face quiet a bit, i had my child, was still married at the time, but i had gone through hell and back ... i was at the point where i came to terms with the fact that what happened between my parents was their business...sure it affected me, but i realized i needed to seperate myself from their issues, eventhough my mother had remarried and he had not contacted her in years, i still felt as if i was a part of their turmoil as a couple and i was still my mothers defender...until i decided to just be his daughter, and when i finally forgave and accepted him for what he was, realized the mistakes he made were his mistakes and had nothing to do with me, it was a huge load of me in every sense....i began reaching out to him more, now he was much older and weak, was in no way a threat to me, i re discovered my father at that point and we built a relationship which had never existed before....

now he is living with me temporarily because he has been diagnosed with cancer and is recovering, and i honestly do not feel any of that anger and resentment inside me which tore me up for so many years.

my advice to you, for what it's worth, is to accept the invitation, go to the wedding, allow yourself to be his daughter, let your mother and father be the ones to deal with the stuff that happened in their marriage....allow yourself to get rid of all that guilt and worry...he made mistakes, but we all do and we move on, and that is what i advise you, to just let yourself move on and put behind you all of the negative that happened in the past, build a relationship with your father and accept him for who he is, you have your own life now as an adult and you obviously turned up fine, so now it is your turn to live your life, make your own decisions and simply enjoy this new stage in which your relationship with your parents takes on a different perspective althogether as you are now all adults.

Best of luck to you

_____________________________

~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 10:04:08 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with the going through things yourself- where is your hurt now? Where is your anger? It would be a good idea to at least MEET the bride you will be a maid to for a day, you know?

Then discuss it with your father. Don't confront him about the choices he made- they were his, he's an adult. Only discuss the issues you still have and the pressure you feel. You don't have to be ok with him getting married, only the people getting married have to be ok with it. But if you want some sort of relationship, you have to be ok with letting him make this choice that you don't feel ok with.

They are both grown adults, already married once. I would think if you can't reconcile yourself to being thrust into the wedding party (perfectly understandable) then you simply say that you appreciate it, but must decline and will be happy to help out and will attend the ceremony as a guest. This shows your respect for his choice, while establishing your boundaries, offering support but not allowing yourself to be manipulated.

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 10:48:41 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi fencerpet19,

There are two things that sprang to mind when I read your post.

1) The financial aspects of the divorce seem to be bothering you a lot. Your feeling that your future stepmother and stepsiblings are spending your mother's money is destructive and fundamentally unfair. I hope you'll realize you only know one side of the story here. That DOES NOT mean that you should get your father's side. NO WAY. But your mother's perception of your father "stealing" from her, is her perception; it doesn't have to be reality. You cannot know. (If your mom was asking for my advice, I'd tell her, isn't it worth the money to be well rid of him?). Your mother should have never discussed the finances with you, IMO, particularly if you are now indeed independent. Please forget about the money.

2) It's not "manipulative" for your father to buy you a bridesmaid dress. It's INSANE! He has put the cart before the horse. You have every right to say you want to meet your future stepmother before you commit to being her bridesmaid (Do not think about the money when you see her. Judge her on her own merits. Hopefully without her kids around). Your father's eagerness to make you sign on the dotted line before you see the actual product is likely a consequence of one of two attitudes. One good and one bad. The first is he is scared you'll say no if you actually meet her, so he resorts to high-pressure tactics. He desperately wants you to be at the wedding and wants you to feel warmly toward her, on this one day at least. Or really bad, is he's a true asshole and wants to get your love and support without any work on his part. He's a lazy, selfish, immature piece of crap. His reaction to your demand to meet this woman before you agree to stand up for her in such a formal ritual might tell you what motivates him. If he's an asshole (as I suspect he is, based on his prior behavior), bother with him as little or as much as you like. Independence sometimes means saying goodbye to bad people even if they are relatives.

Your involvement in the wedding has got nothing to do with your being fake or not, but everything to do with your feelings about him, her, and their union. Your feelings have got to be acknowledged and respected, if not by him, then especially by you.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

January



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[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 12:22:03 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

I always thought our house was haunted
But nobody said boo to me
I never did get what I wanted
Now I get what I need
John Hyatt-'slow turning'


Midear Pet-

wow- that sucks. You've gotten all the good advice- Big tip of the hat to the nickelMod and January!- and frankly, my family's so disfrigginfunctional that it actually works for us, so the following bit of advice is way off from standard deviation, but it might help.

Anytime anyone attempts to coerce you based on an accident of birth, disengage immediately and walk away, and don't look back. the conversation goes like this:

" Dad- I know you want my support in this, but I am feeling really pressured by your way of getting it- buying me that dress already was way out of line."

"But you're my Daughter, you are supposed to <click!> - Hello?... Hello?"

And while I realise that you are more sympathic to your mother's position, Don't let that bet the reason you cut him off. One of the things Freud got right was that you are not an adult until you can deal with your parents as thought they were not your parents- That as long as you let them keep punching those buttons and pulling those strings, you will never be a grown up.

But it really does suck, and it makes me sad to know you are going through it.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/15/2005 12:24:10 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		My very dear J.-

Brillant answer- Just wonderful.

Please make an effort to post more- I know you have a life and all that, but lately these boards need all the January they can get.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/16/2005 3:41:12 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all! All your answers have been very helpful!

Dark~Angel, I didn't even think of a compromise there. It makes so much more sense to attend the wedding but not as a bridesmaid.
Mod5 great idea! I think writing really will help, and then when I read over it I'll definitely see clearly what the issue I have with him really is.

I'm afraid that money really did play a big part in the divorce. Thousands were spend on attorneys because my Dad kept pushing for more and more.. that's why it lasted so long. On a side note, my Mom was very civil during this whole thing and didn't share very much at all with my brother and I. In fact I was the one who discovered that my dad was siphoning money to an account in Arizona. I'd really rather not get into numbers, but let's just say that right now, I'm living in an apartment with my Mom while he is in a huge brand new house with a hot tub and everything.

You guys really hit it on the nose with the manipulation... I tend to glaze over it sometimes. It's so difficult to be angry at my Dad, it's almost as if he's two completely different people. He can be truly loving and caring, but then stab me in the back. He's changed a lot since my childhood, but as my Mom once said, "He could be Ghandi, but it will take 30 more years for me to be able to see that."

Thanks again for everything, I am finally beginning to see clearly. Take care!
~FP

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"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/16/2005 8:06:29 AM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, you've gotten some wonderful advice - I'd like to add just another POV here.

Your father may be immature, dishonest, and manipulative - but you, yourself, decide what you are. As long as his actions determine your behavior, you're being reactive, instead of proactive.

Do you want to attend your father's wedding? Leave out questions of your anger over other issues - do you really want to step in that direction in your relationship with him? Once you know what YOU want, act upon it. If you intend to continue to have a relationship with him, and don't want to feel as if you're being dishonest - be honest with him. If you don't want to attend the wedding because of your disapproval of his marrying so soon, to someone you haven't met yet - tell him so. If you want to attend to support him, even though you're angry about other things, tell him that - and tell him what it is you're angry about.

Topcat is right - walking away works if nothing else will. That's the line I had to draw with my birth family, but it carries a price. If you can make it work by keeping communication open, but refusing to be manipulated or badgered into things you don't want to do, it may work out better. I do wish that it had worked with my family. Only you can discover if this will work in your situation.

Best of luck with this - it does look challenging.

_____________________________

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/16/2005 8:10:38 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Lawrence,

Thanks. You made my day!

January

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/16/2005 9:23:31 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		FP,

Hi again. I have no doubt that the divorce was traumatic, financially and emotionally. I do believe it was awful for you, your brother, and your mother.

I still think you should not know things like how many thousands were spent on the divorce, or how expensive your father's lawyer was. Somebody told you, and they shouldn't have. One of the main reasons they shouldn't have told you is that you don't have the experience to understand what lawyers cost, what divorces cost. You have no frame of reference. If you had one, the money might lose it's emotional potency. Honestly, I also don't know how you could have "discovered" your father was siphoning off money without the help of adults who should know better.

Okay, you say you live with your mother in an apartment (I thought you were off at college?), whereas your father lives in a big new house with a hot tub and everything. I believe that's true.

The contrast in lifestyles doesn't mean as much as you think it does. Many (Most?) adults live beyond their means. Your father may be hugely in debt. He may have cashed in his retirement. You cannot know what his financial situation by what he seems to own. The converse is also true. Some people live below their means. Their net worth is gigantic, but they are conservative. Or maybe they are martyrs, living poorly to get the sympathy vote, or in an attempt to provide an environment for bitterness to grow.

What I'm saying to you (again) is leave the money alone. Stop considering it. I truly get the feeling that you're using the stolen money as a reason to dislike your father. Like nobody would understand how you could think he was an asshole unless you brought money up! People can and do understand.

Look at his behavior toward you now. Judge him that way. I do hope your mother's situation is a temporary one, her financial setback is not ruin, and she recovers. I also hope she stops talking to you about financial matters, unless they VERY directly concern you.

January



_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/18/2005 2:09:09 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		Okay, I think I've come to a desicion... I know for a fact that I'm not going to be a bridesmaid, but I still don't know about going to the wedding or not. I received some interesting advice from a close friend, and its made me wonder just how much I want a relationship with my dad. "Well, if he severs all ties with you because you don't go to a wedding which he has, through intention or neglect, sprung on you at the last minute, then perhaps you're better off." Though I still have serious doubts about where this is all headed, I am happy to say that I am at least beginning to look at things in a new light. Thank you all for your care and concern, wish me luck!
~FP


_____________________________

"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 3/21/2005 10:12:05 AM   
FLButtSlut


Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline 		fencerpet19,

Divorce is always difficult, especially on the kids. Having worked in Matrimonial Law for more than 8 years, I never cease to be amazed by some of what happens, but there are some things it doesn't seem that anyone has mentioned or considered here.

As many have said, the divorce was between you and your mother, and while there are many things about it that make YOU angry, it was, essentially their business, and not yours. The old saying that there are always three sides to every situation, his, hers and the truth is never more true than during a divorce. Unless the "Cause of Action" for divorce was based on abuse, they always take longer than anyone wants, and there is always negotiation going back and forth.

You have mentioned that your father suffers from depression, which I hope that he is continuing to get counseling for. He may not have been a great dad, but perhaps through counseling he is trying to learn how to be, and that is not a bad thing.

As for the wedding. You mention that the divorce was just recently finalized. It is quite likely that your father did not introduce you to "Sophie" before now because of that fact. Just because you and your brother hadn't met her doesn't preclude him from falling in love with her. It is natural for children to feel anger and resentment after parents divorce and then plan on re-marrying. But your parents marriage is over and both your parents have a right to future happiness.

As for the wedding. I don't see it as manipulative at all. They want to include you in the start of their new life, and asking you to be a bridesmaid is their way of including you. Yes, it certainly would have been nice to have met "Sophie" before the announcement, but don't hold it against her. Meet her with an open mind, she will never replace your mother, and I'm sure doesn't want to, but she could become a friend. Buying the dress? Well, most brides typically select the bridesmaid's dresses, so what is so different here? If your best friend planned to get married and purchased the dress for you to be her maid of honor would you consider her manipulative? Probably not.

By all means tell your father, in a calm, mature way, how you have felt about things. Find out how his counseling is going regarding the depression. Try to start re-building (or building for the first time) a relationship that you both can enjoy. But don't make any decisions about the wedding until you have the opportunity to meet Sophie and find out about her. Being part of your father's wedding is not turning against your mother, or choosing sides in any way. As a child of divorce, and an adult child at that, you now have to find ways to accept both your parents and keep them in your life. Not always easy, but not impossible.

Good luck.

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RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 6/12/2005 2:47:49 PM   
fillepink


Posts: 124
Status: offline 		what wonderful, caring people are here..every single one seemed to reach inside T/themselves to try and help you. now allow me to add my two cents.

it seems to me that what you want and need is the time and space to allow a new, healthier relationship with your dad to emerge. this will almost certainly require some sort of relationship with his new wife, if only one of politeness.

if you were my daughter, i would urge you to avoid confrontation and simply "call in sick" on the wedding day. hopefully there will be no pre-wedding events including you, because this will only work once. yes, yes, it's deceptive; but it works and right now you need some relief.

the advice about writing a letter to your dad was great -- but i'd advise a course of therapy (with a therapist knowledgable about BDSM). in a few months of working hard with the right therapist, you could gain a perspective and some boundaries you don't seem to have yet. if paying for therapy is an issue, every county has a mental health board funded by the federal gov't and charging on a sliding scale; call your county commissioner's office for their number. some terrific people work in these facilities.

i think there will come a time when you need your dad to hear a few things you have to say; and he needs to apologise. a therapist's office is a great place for such exchanges. i hope that happens for you...but ultimately, you will need to forgive..and that is tremendously hard until you come to understand what it costs you not to forgive.

sounds corney, i know, but i said a prayer for you. email me if you wish. fillepink




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< Message edited by fillepink -- 6/12/2005 2:49:18 PM >

(in reply to FLButtSlut)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 6/12/2005 3:35:27 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I think that's terrible advice, unless you don't want a relationship with your father ever again. (In that case, you can do what you want--although I still think this is a petty and cheap way out.)

Relationships don't survive deception. If you want to have some kind of a relationship with your father, the only possibility is to be honest with him about how you feel. Then it's up to him to be honest back. People aren't perfect. People are people. The only thing people CAN be, when it's important enough to them, is honest.

Lam

quote:

ORIGINAL: fillepink

if you were my daughter, i would urge you to avoid confrontation and simply "call in sick" on the wedding day. hopefully there will be no pre-wedding events including you, because this will only work once. yes, yes, it's deceptive; but it works and right now you need some relief.


(in reply to fillepink)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 6/12/2005 3:48:53 PM   
fillepink


Posts: 124
Status: offline 		yes Lam..i know the advice to "call in sick" is shady..but her dad has her in an untenable position. she wants to avoid BOTH the wedding AND any confrontation with him. it was the best idea i could come up with. but You are right..it will become a "secret" she will need to keep and may drive a wedge between her dad if it ever comes out, even years later; so i stand corrected by wiser people. fillepink




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< Message edited by fillepink -- 6/13/2005 4:22:50 AM >

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: This is really long, but I need help... please! - 6/12/2005 4:15:37 PM   
Youtalkingtome


Posts: 112
Joined: 12/8/2004
Status: offline 		All very good answers.
Mine will be short and to the point.
It is always easy to do the wrong thing and difficult to do the right thing.

(in reply to fencerpet19)
Profile   Post #: 19
Update... - 6/12/2005 6:31:15 PM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		*UPDATE* okay, so the wedding went over without much of a hitch. My brother and I attended only the ceremony portion, and didn't accept the invitation to be a bridesmaid/best man. We left shortly after they cut the cake both for various reasons. In my opinion the whole thing was disgusting, but I put on a happy face knowing that (maybe) Sophie will make him a better person. God, I can't even begin to describe how infuriating it was listening to him lie during his vows! The only upside of the whole thing was that he still understands that my brother and I have mixed feelings towards him, and that he's still on thin ice. Oh, and I knew the wedding photographer and he turned out to be into bdsm. So I had a nice time talking with him lol.
Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and concerns You guys really helped me through this!

< Message edited by fencerpet19 -- 6/12/2005 6:32:16 PM >

_____________________________

"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

(in reply to Youtalkingtome)
Profile   Post #: 20
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