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RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/18/2007 9:54:10 PM

lisaanne

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

oh my gosh, has anyone at all thought about the new someone in your life???? How sad is it that you are worried about some sub in your past that your are completly forgeting the sexy new someone why seems to be sent to you....................................step back, quit listening to people who are only out here for sub, dom things and look at what you have, is he worth giving up your runner????????????????really???????????????????????????????????

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 21

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/18/2007 10:00:41 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I read the post and my response would be the same. People disappear...yeah they do come back but usually it is too late.

I don't see your post as being a smartass. What part of it was?

The smartass part was thanking you for reading my post so carefully when you posted a response that kind of didn't make sense in the context of what I'd posted. Now your second reply, above, does make sense. I agree that at least in this case (as it's the only instance I have) it's too late for him to be with me in any significant way. Still, I was was hoping others might have similar experiences with reappearances and what happens next.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 22

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/18/2007 10:02:33 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

*chuckle* I wasn't being cryptic about going to SPLF, I was being cryptic about jason. But, I might have books with me!

Well if you do, then I have money for an autographed copy.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 23

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/18/2007 10:13:54 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

Curious as to what your theories were in regards to his "poof" before you actually found out?......Tempting

My theory was that he still had a lot of internal conflict on whether a D/s relationship is what he "really" wanted as opposed to something his dick wanted. I imagined that he had been enthralled by the idea of it and of me but when it came to my being in town for a week expcting to get to know him better he wasn't sure if he could go through with it. I have met many who say that this chasing of a fantasy up to the point at which it becomes real and then retreating is pretty common. That was my theory and it was almost verbatim what he told me when I asked him pointe blanc why he had vanished.

The amazing part for me is of course that I met my boyfriend at a MAsT meeting the same week I was up there and supposed to be getting to know this one. I had attended more real life meetings than I can count and never met anyone even remotely compatible with myself until that night. But now I am even more firmly convinced that realtime meetings are the way to go if you want someone who is comfortable enough with and serious enough about the d/s part of him/herself.

< Message edited by DominaSmartass -- 2/18/2007 10:15:34 PM >

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 24

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/18/2007 10:17:05 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

i often leve internett and collarme for long periods at a time due to depressions only to come back when i want to and i am feeling better. Somtimes i also just have to take a brake from all the arguments here. This disapearing of me online have somtimes made me also stop comunications whit somone online, but then i usualy always inform pepole i may disapear now and again.

Sorry, but that's not quite the same as "I'll pick you up tomorrow at 6" and then not showing up, never answering calls or emails, never logging in online, etc. I seriously thought he'd been in a car accident and died.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to nephandi)

Post #: 25

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/18/2007 10:20:27 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lisaanne

oh my gosh, has anyone at all thought about the new someone in your life???? How sad is it that you are worried about some sub in your past that your are completly forgeting the sexy new someone why seems to be sent to you....................................step back, quit listening to people who are only out here for sub, dom things and look at what you have, is he worth giving up your runner????????????????really???????????????????????????????????

What? I'm sorry, but did you even read my post? Seriously, did you?

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to lisaanne)

Post #: 26

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 3:24:16 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

FR- Just love the Guys who spend a few weeks( weeks not hours or days) emailing- then Poof
only to show back up after some months- email again and not even remember
they ever spoke to you before

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 27

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 3:39:28 AM

myobedience

Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

Has anyone ever had someone reappear with explanation and apology after disappearing without a trace?

NO ! if i wait for such, holding my breath, it would be as worthless as i think the time invested. in restrospect. thing is, coming back with the same pic and almost the same nic. i was given access to 24 pages of email....and i might say, being that bold to come back in that pic and almost the same name, some folk are bound to get pretty hostile with that person or just pissed,miffed or feel like i do....yes, not just "lowly" but possibly worthless.

MY OPINION.... no need to slam me for having one.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 28

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 4:37:20 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

It's just one of those things that happens.

After doing a runner, if someone shows up again....I generally don't much care to hear about why they did it (although the "got nervous, couldn't find the balls to follow through" is the norm); I am not going to be bothered investing time in them yet again. I think the only times I've *ever* considered it, the only option I gave the person was to meet me at a local munch, which of course he did not do.

Relationships are complicated enough...if a sub has issues with even bringing himself to turn off the computer and meet face to face, then there's really no chance that it's ever going to develop into a relationship, even if that relationship is only a friendship.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to myobedience)

Post #: 29

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 4:43:22 AM

StellaByStarlite

Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline

Hi, DominsSmartass. =)

I've had a few vanilla men disappear and come back. Usually after a month or so, mumbling the sorries and the "I've been busy" excuses. =)

But I don't know.. it sounds like you genuinely like the guy as a person. If I were in such a situation, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt. Everybody screws up and does something stupid at least once in their lives. There's nothing wrong with giving somebody a second chance if you believe they're sincere. It seems like you do, if I read your post correctly, so why not?

Then again, I'm an easy going, forgiving sort, lol. Besides, I've had a few second chances given to me by some pretty special people, myself. =) They remain good friends to this day, and I'll never forget how they chose to not give up on me when I was an immature little guttersnipe, lol.

Good luck,
Stella

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 30

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 7:16:01 AM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

But I'm just a bit in shock still to have him back in whatever capacity I may. When this has happened in the past I write them off as another loss. Has anyone ever had someone reappear with explanation and apology after disappearing without a trace? I know some of you will say that he's playing me and I'm a sucker, but I don't believe that to be the case. Though I guess only time will tell.

Looking forward to hearing others' inputs. I know they go poof a lot but how often do they come back?

Yes, I have had some reappear after disappearing without a trace. However, some offered no explanation or apology whatsoever, just acted like nothing was different and wanted to pick up where we left off several weeks or months earlier. Needless to say, they were soundly told off and not given another chance. I resented becoming emotionally invested in someone (even if only to a small degree), only to have them pull a disappearing act, then have them insult my intelligence by coming back on the scene, acting like nothing had happened. A few others have disappeared for a period, then come back on the scene with some very outlandish reason that didn't ring true and were not given another chance, either. I don't think they'd appreciate it if this were done to them.

For me, the only way a submissive would be given a second chance is if he proactively explained to me beforehand why he had to go away for a while. I actually did have one person admit to me that he wasn't quite as ready to get involved in BDSM as he thought he was. One told me he got put on a work assignment out of town for a while. I might consider giving submissives like these a second chance, since they showed consideration for my feelings, and didn't just pull a disappearing act with no explanation.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 31

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 7:58:43 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

I don't think this is something that just happens with subs on CM (or other kink sites), but probably vanilla sites as well -- comes with the territory, probably. I know for a fact it happens with Doms..amazing how that works sometimes..lol.

While I rarely hear from them again, when it does happen I'm polite, but say no thanks. Several sayings come to mind.."fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" and "Once burned, twice shy". Trust is a huge area for me (like most) and if someone just goes poof any trust that might have been developing went poof with them, and I can't imagine an occasion when it would come back.

You have to do what feels right for you, but I'd admit I'd be curious too, and would agree to a meet, but..that would be as far as it goes..but that's just me..

Good luck and i hope You and MasterFire have a blast!!!

cheers
jk

ps to LostTreasurer: Always did think evil was more fun than good..lol.. please count me in <g>

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 32

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 8:45:21 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

I tend to recover quicky from being Jaded. Not getting wrapped up in guessing games. Amazing when you least expect it, they call you up or show up on the doorstep. Generally without me asking a question, a long winded explaination spills out of their mouth, with great apologies. This applies to Vanilla friendships/relationships as well.

If it's somebody I have a genuine affection or attraction for, I'll listen with an open ear. Most of the time, they dissappear for "Neurotic" reasons. They are fighting with themselves over some bullshit in their own minds. I tend to never take anybody back, if they were drawn to another person at the time. If they poofed for another person, then I know in my heart and mind, I will not trust them ever. I will not play second best, ever in situations like these. While I may accept what happened, I will never truely trust, forgive and forget ever again. I hate it when people seek my forgiveness at times. If anything, they need to accept responsibility for their actions, and seek forgiveness within themselves. I have had it go so far, that I had one begging me to punish them. I find it pointless to give somebody this kind of attention, knowing full well they are punishing themselves deeply inside. Actually, my refusal to punish them is a form of punishment in itself. Some of you may relate to concept or not.

I simply listen to what they have to say. I may or may not accept this person back into my life. Generally if I accept them back into my life, the dynamics and roles are rather changed.

There are cases where acts of god, family problems, work problems arise. I am very forgiving and understanding of these things. I am also understanding if one has certain fears which they were dealing with. Again, I am forgiving and understanding. If they ditched me to be with another. I no longer can trust, forgive or forget. I will perhaps take them back as friend or occasional play partner, if the mood is right. But never for a 24/7 relationship. I have tried it before! It did not work out, because I no longer trusted them. It was a complete waste of time and mental energy. I found it to be a very taxing experience.

This is all my take on it.

(in reply to lisaanne)

Post #: 33

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 9:07:54 AM

wyldsubmissive

Posts: 157
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline

Well, I had poofed on a masochistic sub who I told I wanted to top. (For the confused parties I have extremely sadistic tendencies, but don't carry them out because I don't trust myself.)

After he wrote me multiple e-mails asking where I'd gone, ranging from angry to apologetic. I finally grew a set of balls. I apologized to him for leaving so suddenly, and explained why I'd done such. I also explained that I wanted neither forgiveness nor understanding, and that it was wrong. Now we're on good terms.

See even wyld submissives can swallow their pride. Occassionally...

My poofing story.

-Wyld

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)

Post #: 34

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 9:12:13 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

You know that old adage, fool me once shame on you.. fool me twice shame on me.

Or another trite but true saying.. he's shown you who he is, now its up to you to believe him.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 35

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 9:54:01 AM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

I've had female subs poof on me and then reappear weeks or months later, so I don't think this is a gender thing as has been suggested. Usually they have a good excuse, but for me it it comes down to the fact that if I really truly liked someone, I would never dissapear on them, so I can't help but think that although they were clearly interested, they were simply not interested enough. I really only want to be with someone that I'm extremely interested in and I'm not willing to settle for anything less than the same in return.

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 36

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 12:24:37 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

I admire how poised you were about it.

Not really an online poof, but last year when I had pneumonia and was out of commission for about three weeks, my 'boyfriend' first started visiting me less, then hardly at all ... and of course, I later found out he was dating one of my friends. I generally don't care if relationships date around, but with one of my friends, while I'm laying in bed puking ... it was a bit much.

I was totally cool about it, until I saw him at a party with her. I snuck into the bedroom where all the jackets were, and to this day I don't know how he got home that night, because his car keys, by some mystery, ended up in a trash behind a CVS Pharmacy.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 37

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 1:12:24 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

My boy dropped contact suddenly after we had initially discussed meeting, but eventually replied back to my emails asking for an explanation. That was two years ago, and we are now a loving, happy couple. I think it's good to find out the motivation behind one's behavior before totally writing them off, if you had a good connection initially. You never know what might happen.

I think it's nice that you have made contact again, but if you are really happy with your new partner, you might want to make sure that the old relationship doesn't overshadow your new one.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 38

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 1:48:49 PM

KennelDeSade2

Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

I don't know how often submissives go poof and then return, but I know about a lot of dominants who poof and then return. Sometimes over and over and over again. I hate to be sexist, but it's possible it is more of a gender thing than a D/s one.

One of my very most favorite girls ever, would just vanish every four to six months and stay gone for a month or two before coming back. Over the course of nearly five years. For her it was a guilt/need cycle, and I quite honestly loved it.

_____________________________

Rules? Just one: I say, she does.
Everything else, is just details.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 39

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 3:23:09 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

I think it's nice that you have made contact again, but if you are really happy with your new partner, you might want to make sure that the old relationship doesn't overshadow your new one.

Thanks for the anecdote about your boy and yourself. I just wanted to reiterate that the above is absolutely of no concern to me. My current, S, is the best "boyfriend" I've ever had, or could even imagine at this point, plus so much more. I could elaborate all day but I'll spare you all ;) We have been together 6 months, sharing a residence for 2 now. On the other hand, B, I have met once in real life and spent about 6 weeks on the phone/net with. So really there's no comparison.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 40

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