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RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/19/2007 5:01:36 PM

findmedaddy

Posts: 254
Joined: 5/18/2006
From: Maine
Status: offline

Yes, I've had one dom go poof with no explanation and then come back, but I think the apology part is unusual. The dom I'm referring to came back and said I was wrong for thinking it was unusual for someone who'd been writing long and wonderful notes to me every day to just disappear without a word for several weeks. Sort of like "Gaslight." But really, I can understand how someone would get scared of intensity, try to go "cold turkey" on someone else for a while, and then find he couldn't do it.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 41

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 1:47:55 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings

yes i had a poofer and he was so nice to talk too we had so much in common and it was great to talk with him but when we were to meet he never showed up. well he is back but scare and just talk now i have move on he was just not making it work but you fellow seems very sorry and i would give him a chance but wait some time before you meet again talk with him more have him open up about he feelings and needs i think the new ones like that are so sweet, but just scare. this one i give up on but yours go for it

warm wishes
mons

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 42

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 5:14:06 AM

DoreiKoneko

Posts: 15
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline

I have gone poof before in the past for a variety of reasons, some valid. The most valid, and one which still may occur from time to time, is that I am dealing with chronic depression and an unstable marriage. Before anyone asks, no I am not married to my Mistress, however, she has been a rock of support for me, and being Owned has given me a foundation I truly do not know if I would have had otherwise. I know that my Mistress is there to listen, and cares for me. To say she is patient and understanding so drastically understates the case. Also, I love Her.

According to what I have read in other threads, I am not legitimately polyamorous. However, I know I can feel romantic love - legitimate love - for more than one person. It just seems to be how I am wired. I respectfully submit that I don't feel I am either fickle or easy. Flirting is one thing I have done oftern over the past years. Recently, since meeting my Mistress IRL, it became much less important. Since I am getting off topic, please contact me with any questions. For abuse, see the next door down.

As I said, I have poofed for less valid reasons as well. But I have made diligent effort to outgrow those.

Respectfully,
DK

_____________________________

Property of Mistress Dez

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 43

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 9:59:57 AM

Lorelei115

Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

Looking forward to hearing others' inputs. I know they go poof a lot but how often do they come back?

That actually happened to me twice this week... One was a vanilla ex, the other a sub. It must be the weather... full moon maybe??? One managed to show himself as untrustworthy a second time, the other.. well we shall see.

I have a great conflict with accepting *poofers* back into my life. On the one hand, I am the kind of person that likes to give second chances... on the other, no one who has gone *poof* that I've given a second chance to has ever been worth it.

_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 44

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 11:06:09 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I've had dozens and dozens of men go poof on me, sometimes after a first meeting and sometimes after agreeing to a meet, setting up a time and place. Worst of all are the ones who poof after assuring you they are on their way to meet you. I've dealt with more than my share because I had a website of free (I don't believe in charging for my sexuality in any form) FemDom images and video clips of my play. After viewing the 3200 images and the 83 clips, most subs, local or not, were in a frenzy to meet. They had images that proved that I'm that fantasy creature.. A WOMAN WHO DOES THIS FOR REAL! They'd get all worked up and talk a great game. I'm an intelligent being and weeded out the most obvious of the flakes and fantasy players. But it was easy for them to be brave from behind a keyboard and over the phone. When it came time to meet only one in five of them actually showed up. The majority of those wrote to me after begging forgiveness, saying they'd gotten scared when it came close to time to actually realizing there dreams. When I'd give a second and even third chance, not one of them ended up being worth my time. I even had one guy disappear for three months after our first session and show back up proclaiming love for me. To this day, four years later, he writes and tells me how much he wants to serve me and how ready he is to take that next step. My response is; how nice for you. After several years of experience, I learned to give ONE chance. I'm very clear on that up front. A sub who messes that up gets to move on and waste someone else's time. I finally got to the point where I'll only meet a sub if they come to someplace I plan to already be, such as a munch or dungeon. That way, when they flake, I've not wasted time other than what was spent talking with them in the first place.

So, to more specifically answer your question, yes, in my experience it happens fairly often.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 45

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 12:02:04 PM

ravenairsprite

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline

Ok well I've been on both sides of this issue. I'd say do what feels best for you. I read that the trust issue would not be the same but you're willing to be a guidance and friend. That's different then taking them on as YOUR sub.

Now to tell you the two sides of my experience with this. First off I have some severe emotional issues. At times they intercede between me and may be good for me or what I want most. Second I'm a loner by nature. Going into public or going to peoples houses can get very difficult for me and I feel very out of place.

As a sub and in vanilla life as well I have occasionally run from people. Not necassarily because they weren't fulfilling what I had hoped for but maybe fulfilling it too much. If that makes any sense. On the other hand I have run from guys that I couldn't deal with because I needed to be TOO much to them. I never act like nothing happened and if I do contact them again and they say get lost. I do so. I'm the first to admit when I'm wrong. Yes I have plenty of reasons but that doesn't mean it is ever a good feeling to be shafted as it were.

Now on the othe other hand....I've been stood up. countless times by one guy. Guess I'm a glutton for punishment. LOL I've been stood up by Doms or had them disappear after one or two meetings because I'm not what they really want. Or if they do want me it is because I'm "good in bed". Trust me when I hear them tell me that it's syonara. I try to be forgiving but my trust is gone until you've proven otherwise.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 46

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 2:53:20 PM

barekatt

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/28/2004
Status: offline

hi all

I have had a lot of experience with male dominants doing that. If I'm not on the phone with in 5 mins of the first hello and then on the way to the house then they lose all interest LOL. If i get them to chat or swap email it may be a few lines for a few days with the most sincere words . then gone. Id Love to blame it on the short attention span of there "needs" , however i really think it is that a lot of people
don't connect INTERNET and real people . So they can be rude to cyber people since they don't really count. :(

In school teachers cant spank our kids but they cant teach manners either i suppose.

katt

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 47

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 2/20/2007 3:40:22 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Whether they come back - and whether you should take them back - depends on why they did a runner

1) Internet BDSM is completely different to real life and all the email in the world does not prepare one for the Real Deal. Its intimidating making the leap from the talk the talk to the walking the walk.

2) Many (lonely) people love the instant intimacy of net romance. They weave fantasies around all the things that will happen when they meet the mystery person. Many first meetings are a real let down. No matter how attractive and charming you may be, you cannot possibly match the fantasy in the other person's mind's eye. Some don't even make it to the meeting: they don't want their fantasy ruined by the real you. They may come back once they realise this.

3) Many subs tell me they loved the sexy commanding things a Domme wrote, but took one look at her in real life and knew they could never be attracted to her. No chemistry. They may come back for more online titillation (once they can put your physical appearance back out of their mind).

4) New members online are like kids in a candy store. They run from Domme to Domme because they can (looking for the "best"). They may come back when they realise they Lost a Good Thing - but have they matured?

Would I give a second chance - probably not. Its an insult to be dropped without any reason, so why would you? It would have to be a really convincing excuse.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 2/20/2007 3:43:20 PM >

(in reply to barekatt)

Post #: 48

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/21/2007 9:26:54 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

lol when subs go poof they are freaking tourist.. drive by subbies. get their wee wee wet and excited cause t his is a fad or fashionable kink to them its a in thing. stablity ladies and gents understand that people who have been in lifestyle who are serious normaly will not run.. make good choices always

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 49

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/21/2007 9:34:27 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

I have that happen all the time.
I just chalk it up to them being either scared or its a fantasy they have.
Then there are the ones who think they want it but when they see I am a Pro I never hear from them again.

Best thing to do is just move on.Its a drag to spend so much time and have them go poof,but
you just have to get past it somehow.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 50

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/21/2007 9:48:36 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

Doms go "poof" as well. I am always mystified when someone I have been talking to and who expresses seemingly high interest just disappears.

What is worse is when you meet and think you are starting a relationship. The moment things do not go perfectly or according to that person's internal rules, then they go "poof".

Sadly, that recently happened to me, someone I met here and started to be close to got upset and withdrew with no explanation. I have also had people try to come back, but usually the trust and feelings are gone since it was not a true thing to begin with.

Often what we feel is infatuation and so many people do not take time to truly get beyond the initial infatuation so it is easier for them to go "poof".

Another problem is when you are very honest with someone about your needs or feelings, often they run from that, claiming it is too intense for them.

It hurts momentarily, but I always say and believe, it is truly their loss and move on.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 51

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/21/2007 12:27:59 PM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

I had to see who resurrected this thread ~~~

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyRed

Doms go "poof" as well.
Yes lets acknowledge it is a two way street. Both genders have integrity issues.

What is worse is when you meet and think you are starting a relationship. The moment things do not go perfectly or according to
............. I have learned from past experiences and one very recent with a sub friend ............ that there is a varied number of reasons why things do not progress well. And underneath it all is the lack of respectful communication.
that person's internal rules, then they go "poof".

Sadly, that recently happened to me, someone I met here and started to be close to got upset and withdrew with no explanation. I have also had people try to come back, but usually the trust and feelings are gone since it was not a true thing to begin with.

Often what we feel is infatuation and so many people do not take time to truly get beyond the initial infatuation so it is easier for them to go "poof".

Another problem is when you are very honest with someone about your needs or feelings, often they run from that, claiming it is too intense for them.
When I set my profile up in Jan, I made that very issue perfectly clear. I wrote ~~
"I am not a perfect little girl, I have some issues and if You cannot handle them, please be honest and move on instead of abusing my trust."
I personally think if we are honest about ourselves from the get go and take our time and not run with the infatuation, for it can bite one on the ass, we are more fully aware of what we are getting ourselves into.

Going in starry eyed instead of clear eyed does prevent alot of problems.

It hurts momentarily, but I always say and believe, it is truly their loss and move on.

I dont know about saying it is "their loss."
Think about it.... we dont want them, they lack integrity and respect for themselves and others ~ thus it is not their loss, but truly our blessing. !!!

Sir's truly blessed property

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to SexyRed)

Post #: 52

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/21/2007 2:00:45 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

~fast reply~

i had a Dom go poof on me...then called me about a month and a half later, asking for a second chance, and explaining what had gone on with him. i listened sympathetically, and absolutely understood where he was coming from.

i had also moved on in that time, and Sir had found and claimed me in that timeframe. so i sadly wished the first gentleman well, and sent him on his way. i hope he finds what he needs, because apparently i'm not it.

kitten, who is mostly happy now

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 53

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 7:38:57 PM

MasterMataeo

Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

I had a similar exp ,, never again ,, once gone then gone,,
mine was a love interest and my fault I took her back not once but twice ,,over 5 years, and she couldn't ever make up her mind what she wanted so never again ,,,

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 54

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 8:05:09 PM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSophia

Everyone has had a poof at some time. I consider it weak as well as bad manners, After all remember what great manners they had when wanting our attention. I myself do not think it takes a great deal of courage to write a nice email, explaining themself.. After all the computer was never meant to be a hiding spot. They had the courage to contact us. they should have the same to back away.. Excuses are for children. In my eyes it is disrespect and bad manners. and most go poof again. One big game for them. So if you are going to see him again. make him work for it. nothing given easy has any value. just my two cents.

Yep, absolutely. Thanks for making my response so easy! (wink)

(in reply to MistressSophia)

Post #: 55

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 8:53:37 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I once saw a TV documentary on the psychology of the male submissive. The research concluded that there are three types of male submissives. One is the "lifestyle" submissive, whose submission is ingrained and permanent. Two is the "need a fix" kind of submissive who needs a "hit" of BDSM from time to time, but between sessions can live without it (and "between" may be anything from a few weeks to a few months) Three is the "give it a try" submissive who wants to experience it once because males tend to be pretty adventurous that way. It's categories two and three that account for most of those who go "poof" and category two that accounts for those who reappear - often to go "poof" again.....This doesn't explain everything, but the other reasons have already beeen well covered in previous posts. I just thought this was worth mentioning, as it rings very true for me, from my observations of submissive males.

:))
LH

< Message edited by LadyHeart -- 7/25/2007 8:54:10 PM >

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 56

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 9:10:47 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

In my experience, people who do this once have a habit of disappearing again--regardless of how convincing their explanation was the first time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

Has anyone ever had someone reappear with explanation and apology after disappearing without a trace? I know some of you will say that he's playing me and I'm a sucker, but I don't believe that to be the case. Though I guess only time will tell.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 57

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 9:58:51 PM

AZDarkKnight

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

No, its not a gender thing, quite often some try and "reinvent" themselves with a different name etc, but both sexes "play this game".

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 58

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 10:04:05 PM

AZDarkKnight

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

Having heard plenty of the excuses around, I believe that even if they come back with apologies etc, there is a chasm opened there that is almost impossible to bridge again. The true excuses are often easy to check with a little detective work anyway.

With part of the core being trust and respect - then the loss of this through another just "running" for whatever reason is a very difficult thing to recover. I find myself appearing to be cold or holding back on facts I would share because I dont deem them worthy of them.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 59

RE: When subs go "poof"...and come BACK??? - 7/25/2007 11:21:07 PM

HardnRuff

Posts: 213
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline

Funny this topic should arise, I had a sub go poof for 2 weeks , I was worried to death about her. She finaly contacted Me yesterday to tell Me that she had been in a rehab and her therapist didnt think she should have a relationship right now. Damn I knew she looked like Lindsey Lohan and all But Damn had no clue she had a drug problem..

_____________________________

" Weapon Of Ass Destruction" † Bitch tested slut approved †

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 60

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