MsBlackheart
Posts: 54
Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Memphis TN
Status: offline
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I've been dating "z" for nearly a year. When we met, we were just friends, but he expressed many submissive qualities and was curious. We began dating, and I began teaching him about D/s and what I wanted from a submissive. I'm 20 years older than he is, and that was part of the mutual attraction dynamic, as well. After a short while, in his honest and open fashion, he sorrowfully admitted that he couldn't submit. He was a happy bottom, and enjoyed some housework and occasionally being my servant in addition to play, but that was it. I was disappointed, but one thing I know is that unless you want submission with all of your heart, it's just not going to happen. By this time, I was already commited and in love with him, and I made the choice, right or wrong, to continue the relationship because it was happy and healthy in most other ways. I was going through a lot, myself, and he was supportive and basically amazing.
As you might imagine, the issue of my need to dominate and his lack of submission has caused us to butt heads quite a few times. He is probably the most honest, transparent man I've ever had the privilege to know, and has never led me on, so we waded through the times when the longing in me would rise up through communication. Ultimately, this and other issues have caused me to recently end our romantic relationship and continue as the friends we once were.
Now to what has me wrinkling my nose and frowning: About a year before he met me, his former (same-age/nilla) gf ended their relationship. She accomplished this with dishonest, drama-filled, nasty actions, and basically devastated him. He has explained the situation, and how he was before this happened, how he would have been able to be what I wanted, but because of what he "learned" during his relationship with her, he can no longer give anyone any control over himself. How he was stupid and weak and still believed in the fantasy of romantic relationships. He says people who rely on each other are crazy and it's not good to let someone matter that much to you.
I believe that he's fooling himself. He's being defensive and punishing himself for allowing himself to be in a situation where someone could hurt him that much. To a certain extent, of course I understand and applaud his ability to learn from what happened, but to continue to allow himself to feel so hard and cold and at times, angry, is to allow this girl to still have control over him. What I really want to know is if it is fair of me to tell him that while he feels in control and safe, he's really still being controlled by this girl? That in allowing himself to fence off the parts that feel vulnerable and weak he's fooling himself? In the end, it turns out she'd never cared for him, and had used him for company, comfort and ego strokes. She cheated and lied. It would be enough to devastate anyone, but he blames himself, when I think he should be angry at her and take back those parts of himself.
He gave me a list of eleven things he wanted from our relationship when we first began. One of these items was "to learn to love again". He says I have done that. But it's always been with a very concrete limit. He gives so much and no more. This frustrated me both as a woman in a relationship with him, and as a domme who has to have everything from a man. He couldn't give enough to sustain either side. When I ended things, I explained that I didn't want to keep living a life where I was frustrated and not getting what I both want and deserve. Not just because I am a domme, but because you can't move to the next level of a romantic relationship without a greater level of giving of yourself.
I definitely did not want to lose him. I didn't break up because I didn't love him anymore. I just knew that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop feeling how I felt or needing what I need. I'd begun to resent him, as well as this idiotic little girl who hurt him so badly.
It's going to take time for me to get over this. It was one of the best relationships I've ever had, and he's left some big shoes for the next boy to fill. Posting this is just one more hurdle for me to jump, and I don't care if this spoils some subs ideal of a domme being cool, collected, and heartless (too bad, ya wanker). But I want opinions from both sides. I'm moving on and looking for a new boy, but I need answers to put some closure on this.
MsB
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"Reality kicks Fantasy's ass every time" -Me
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Is she still controlling him? - 
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