RE: question for monogamous doms

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krikket -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 9:24:03 AM)
This post sums it up really well, but it's not always easy to find any any lifestyle or in either gender. It has to be what both sides want, although yes, i'd agree that if i was ever in a M/s relationship his wants would come before mine in this area. The "trick" is to communicate - constantly - to make sure you both understand each other and talk about the important stuff, like monogamous vs. poly, needs vs. wants, etc. Good luck.. jimini k quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Because its what I want.

novicecourtesan -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 9:33:07 AM)
hisannabelle: I am a researcher by nature and by profession. There are many straightforward answers to my questions, but I am always interested in other perspectives. I am not looking for The Solution. I am just trying to gather as many perspectives as I can. Your opinions are valid but really don't help me in their assumptions.. Lucius answering "nothing" was much more useful that your assumption that I'm banging my head into walls. I don't feel that way at all. Again, if you find this post redundant--and I've given numerous reasons why I don't agree--then don't post. There are plenty of other topics. I find it curious that my need for more information is somehow interpreted as a foolish quest. I am interested in the topic and I don't think I've gotten the "same answers." I find it interesting how strongly people react to what they perceive as multiple postings, and how strongly they seem to react to the word "monogamy" as if this were a new deviancy. I suspect if this were any other subject I'd be considered a little less "obsessed." I find this narrow-mindedness tired and surprising in this environment. Again--don't like the thread, don't post. I will continue writing about things I am interested, and I am safe in saying that these threads are slightly more informative that the usual "do you do anal" stuff I see elsewhere. I'm sorry if that leads you to jump to unecessary conclusions. Perhaps we will meet on another thread someday.

MadRabbit -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 11:17:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan ..or doms in a monogamous relationship, however you want to define it... I posted this on the sub board and someone suggested that I should get the opinion from the perspective of straight male doms in or having been in monogamous relationships. So I'm curious to know what makes a dom choose to remain sexually faithful and demand the same of his sub. Any thoughts? thanks... I have no issues with open relationships if the "openness" part doesnt compromise or destroy the "relationship" part. As far as poly...well...some of us are working on developining and maintaining one successful relationship first before even thinking about the idea of a second one.

novicecourtesan -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 12:04:11 PM)
quote: some of us are working on developining and maintaining one successful relationship first before even thinking about the idea of a second one. that's sort of my feeling too......

juliaoceania -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 12:48:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan hisannabelle: I am a researcher by nature and by profession. There are many straightforward answers to my questions, but I am always interested in other perspectives. I am not looking for The Solution. I am just trying to gather as many perspectives as I can. Your opinions are valid but really don't help me in their assumptions.. Lucius answering "nothing" was much more useful that your assumption that I'm banging my head into walls. I don't feel that way at all. Again, if you find this post redundant--and I've given numerous reasons why I don't agree--then don't post. There are plenty of other topics. I find it curious that my need for more information is somehow interpreted as a foolish quest. I am interested in the topic and I don't think I've gotten the "same answers." I find it interesting how strongly people react to what they perceive as multiple postings, and how strongly they seem to react to the word "monogamy" as if this were a new deviancy. I suspect if this were any other subject I'd be considered a little less "obsessed." I find this narrow-mindedness tired and surprising in this environment. Again--don't like the thread, don't post. I will continue writing about things I am interested, and I am safe in saying that these threads are slightly more informative that the usual "do you do anal" stuff I see elsewhere. I'm sorry if that leads you to jump to unecessary conclusions. Perhaps we will meet on another thread someday. Something I learned long ago when posting on this forum, once I posted a thread I had zero control over how people responded to it. I could not control their reactions, I could not stop them from forming opinions about my opinions. I could not tell them that they should not post on the thread, and basically if I did not like what they had to say I could lump it. As long as it was within the terms of service they can say whatever they like about my threads. People can post all day long their assumptions about your quest for information. Now you can start 100 different monogamy threads and nothing will change that. They will get sidetracked, people will post things that are unrelated, some people will have private conversations, some people will question your motives.. this is the internet, and just because you start a thread does not mean you own it

Lucius -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 2:13:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan Your opinions are valid but really don't help me in their assumptions.. Lucius answering "nothing" was much more useful that your assumption that I'm banging my head into walls. Thank you for saying so. By the way, I suspect you already know this, but the question I answered was a very different question than the one you opened the thread with. You started with one question and then asked a very different one. Perhaps others have not noticed this, leading to the impression you're asking the SAME question repeatedly. I will tell you something else that you may find useful. A common delusion among women is that they have the power to "change" men. I'm not saying this is unique to women, but it is my perception that it is a more widespread problem for them.Whether it is a man or a woman making the assumption, it is incredibly foolish, just about certain to put the person on a mission to "change" their partner through a lot of pain, and probably going to hurt the partner as well. If you asked the question because you think you're going to take up with some Dominant who has been clear that He is not monogamous and somehow change His mind, then whether you realize it or not, you ARE on the way to "beating your head against a wall." In fact, you'd be better off to just go ahead and beat yourself bloody agains the nearest brick wall; it would probably hurt you less, and at least it would ONLY hurt you, not some innocent Master you thought you were going to "change." Note, I'm not saying that's what you were thinking. Just that if you were, you should probably think again. quote: ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan I suspect if this were any other subject I'd be considered a little less "obsessed." Don't count on it. I haven't been around these forums that long but I've seen how AzzMaster (did I get His name right?) takes flak for being on a "crusade" to tell the world how glorious anal sex is. Of course, I don't think you're on some kind of "crusade" to convert the world to monogamy. I for one noticed that you started another thread specifically because someone else suggested it; and He was good enough to step forward and take the heat and say "Hey, I told her she should do this." Must have been very frustrating for you to have other people jump on you for doing it! Lucius Alexander House of the Palindromedary

novicecourtesan -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 2:19:40 PM)
julieoceania: I am in no way trying to own the thread. You're right that I should stop reacting to people who question my motives. Mostly, I wanted to prevent and distract from the unecessary ugliness involving people whose opinions on the subject have been very enlightening. I am as guilty as anyone as personalizing responses, but this message board has been so important to me that I would hate for people to feel threatened either because they can't express themselves they way they want to, or they feel threatened and harassed or have their personal relationships exposed. I don't think there's any malice on anyone's part, just clashing personalities, but I didn't want it to get out of hand, and I still think that every effort should be made to stay on topic--not because I am such a monogamy fanatic, but because these threads are the way I and other newbies learn. So please, people relax. I am not starting any more monogamy threads. Just wanting everyone to get along and turn the other cheek....which I'm guessing is something we're all somewhat familiar with... .[:D] Lucius Alexander: Your points are valid and about twelve years ago I would have been guilty of the very act of trying to change a man. Rest assured that there is no specific man in the picture that I am trying to lure into monogamy. As I have said, I cannot "inspire" monogamy in a man who does not feel it. (which, I suppose, means that you and I are destined to never intersect..... :) . But I like to hear how they think. The most foolish thing a woman can do is ignore the man's perspective; I would like to know how all men choose monogamy, since it is less societally enforced on men than women. But the dom has so many options and offers that I thought there must be more. HatesParisHilton was rather chivalrous in coming forward, but you are right, my question did evolve. I thought my first question was clear--why monogamy for doms--and then I elaborated into asking more details. So I can see how people got confused, but I still don't quite see why that should be a problem if I, like azzmaster, should start a thosand threads on the subject. With all due respect to azzmaster and his valid opinions, I think my threads are little more about the quest for knowledge and debate rather than a celebration of my anal crusading or other preferences. many thanks again.

hisannabelle -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 3:07:15 PM)
novicecourtesan - it's funny, lucius' post prompted me to look at his profile and that opened up a whole new layer of understanding of polyamory for me. i must say, i think his post pretty much summed it up, as did simplymichael's on the other side of the issue - that's all i've tried to bring through on the two posts i've made on the thread that were attempting to answer your original questions. i apologize if you feel i'm being assumptive; aside from expressing that i think you might not get what you are looking for by continuing to push the subject, all i've tried to do on this thread is answer your questions from my experience and from what i know of how my dominant sees these things. i thought that was what you are looking for, so i don't understand why my replies and other replies on this thread in the same vein are unsatisfactory, but hey, whatever floats your boat. i have to agree with ownedjulia on the subject of what happens to the thread after you start it, however...a lot of people start threads looking for serious answers and get nothing but sarcasm. it's quite an interesting phenomenon to watch, actually, hehehehe. as to whether or not this would happen for any other topic than monogamy - it really depends on the topic. monogamy and polyamory, like i mentioned before, are innate for a lot of people, kind of like submission and dominance are, so the range of viewpoints on a site like cm might be a little less broad than, say, if you posted a topic on humiliation, or something like that. i'm not sure if i'm making any sense here. anyway, i shall just lurk from now on, since you don't seem to care for my replies nd i personally feel like i'm not accomplishing anything by sharing my viewpoint.

novicecourtesan -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 3:29:58 PM)
hisannabelle: please don't jump to conclusions by thinking your opinions are not valid or somehow unsatisfactory. Your view that submissionn and dominance are as innate as monogamy or polyamory (or vice versa, actually) is one that many others have said themselves, and certainly not one I disagree with. But can you see how this does not lead to much further discussion on the subject--if it is innate, then you are or you aren't. However, many people seem to think it's a bit more of a lifestyle choice, which they either prefer, or have rejected, because it was too complicated interpersonally, too hard to find the right people, jealousy, etc. You can see how this viewpoint differs from yours, and how there may be others out there. Also, I would hazard a guess that everyone arrived at their views on monog or poly in different ways. I don't think poly is for me, but perhaps I might see signs in their stories that are things I am feeling, and might change my mind. It is simply my methodology, and a way of talking about things that interest me and possibly others. If you would like to discuss it further, perhaps you can tell me how you arrived at the idea that monog/poly is "innate"--an instinct leading you one way or another--in a situation, or for life? If only in a situation, then how is it different--is it just the person involved, timing, too little time for poly, etc? My question on this thread has been for doms who choose or are monogamous, but I see that in your profile you are quite committed to poly. Did monogamy let you down? How? Of course, no one has to answer these questions specifically and the thread can happily die out, but I am throwing these ideas out there for further discussion. Maybe some people have never given this much thought, and might feel inspired to post as they think of things. Again, don't see my request for further opinions as a critical of your own. I read every post on threads I start, and am happy for any on-topic insights, no matter how strongly they may disagree with mine. And you have been very courteous in your disagreement, which is always appreciated. sante, n. p.s. off topic is usually pretty entertaining as you see each other's personalities, but I guess I'm always uncomfortable when it gets too personal or borders on ugly. I sincerly was not trying to push any subject, just get the train back on the tracks. n.

hisannabelle -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 3:53:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan perhaps you can tell me how you arrived at the idea that monog/poly is "innate"--an instinct leading you one way or another--in a situation, or for life? for me, polyamory is not innate. it's also not the only way i could see myself ever being within relationship; as i've mentioned elsewhere, perhaps also in my first post on this thread, before i was with my current dominant, i was staunchly monogamous. our relationship began - monogamous. i arrived at the idea because many of the poly people i know and have talked to see that as part of their self-identity, just as submissive or dominant would be; also, most of the monogamous people i know feel the same way, even independent of religious conditioning, etc. for me, it's very circumstantial - i began exploring polyamory out of circumstance, not any feeling that monogamy was a bad path for me, and it's always possible that i'll return to monogamy if the relationship circumstance lends itself to that, but right now, i am very happy with the experiences i've had and the self-knowledge i've gained from polyamory. quote: If only in a situation, then how is it different--is it just the person involved, timing, too little time for poly, etc? My question on this thread has been for doms who choose or are monogamous, but I see that in your profile you are quite committed to poly. Did monogamy let you down? How? the way we choose to approach polyamory right now is heavily based upon our living situation, our own exploration of our relationship together, what we want out of things, and, yes, a great deal of it has to do with time, as i work full time and go to school full time and He works overtime in an incredibly stressful situation. i would not say that monogamy let me down; that reeks (to me) of the idea that people are poly because they had bad monogamy experiences, or people are monogamous because they had bad poly experiences, which can be true, but isn't always. i had bad monogamy experiences, but i seriously doubt it was all the fault of the fact that it was monogamous ;) i doubt that i would be polyamorous right now if it hadn't been something He wanted me to explore, but at the same time, it's enriched myself and the way i approach relationships that i can't see myself wanting things to be any other way, at least anytime soon. that said, i see how my own experiences and approach to monogamy engendered a lot of jealousy and codependency on my part, and i feel that for me, monogamy lends itself to that, but that wouldn't be true of everyone who is monogamous, either. i don't feel like monogamy let me down, and i don't doubt that there's a possibility that i might choose that in the future if i'm in a situation where it's more suitable...but based on my experiences in exploring polyamory, i've found that it works very well for me (and for us as a couple), and that i've grown a lot from it.

novicecourtesan -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 4:25:15 PM)
hisannabelle: thank you for sharing your experiences in such a detailed post. You are not the first person to comment that monogamy made her more jealous and possessive, and that poly is less codependent. My experiences would indicate the opposite, but then again, I am not very experienced. a votre sante n.

Sinergy -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 7:02:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: azzmaster i am not fantacizing about assfukking julia, or any other way even tho sinergy was just bragging about her doing her kegels. I never named any names, azzmaster. That was your own fantasy. I have asked you several times to stop referring to me and mine, and you lack the character, ability to respect, class, and manners to do so. Understand. Sinergy

azzmaster -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 8:57:28 PM)
sinergy, my good man, when u refer to specific sexual activities and u have an extremely public relationship that u allege to be monagamous i think it is quite natural to assume that ur refering to ur strumpet. althought i must admit when u call someone a strumpet i rather expect them to be dressed like hester prine in the scarlet letter. perhaps with an s rather than an a however. and u did start it when altho i asked another dom where he stood on assfukking and u felt u had to answer. also ur a damn hypocrite. u and ur strumpet take a million lame cheap shots at me, but i am sposed to roll on my back like a bitch and just take it. i think not. homie don't play that. actually thinking of u and the pallid princess going at it does not make my dick hard so don't worry about it. ciao

juliaoceania -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/25/2007 11:46:27 PM)
You know I was never going to respond to you again, but I thought i would point out that twice my Dom has asked you in an extremely polite manner to stop attacking both of us. You continue on insulting my body, my ethnicity, my skin color, going on and on and on about how revolting I am. Now I am fairly thick skinned, and I really do not care if you find me appealing or not, in fact I am mightily relieved that you are not playing your skin flute while thinking about me, but I have to ask why you would want to denigrate me in this way just because I do not care for your humor. I do not expect this post to make a difference, and I fully expect next you will make some snide comment intended to try to make me feel badly about myself, because that is just your style.... I thought I would paste a description of how you are engaging in sexual harassment so that you could understand that I was not speaking of your desire for me when I stated that, I was speaking of behaviors intended to humiliate me in order to silence me... and that is exactly what you have attempted to do. From Wikipedia.. here is part of what you have attempted to do in harassing me on this board quote: The Bully In this case, sexual harassment is used to punish the victim for some transgression, such as rejection of the harasser's interest or advances, or making the harasser feel insecure about themselves or their abilities. The Bully uses sexual harassment to put the victim in his or her "proper place." I am not going to back down without calling you on this behavior... more from wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_harassment#Range_of_behavior_and_circumstances It is not just about a work environment, and it can happen between strangers. Now you can go ahead and follow me from thread to thread... making comments about my flat white ass, I really do not care. I am very happy with my body... it gets me from point A to point B and C very well... and while I am not really old yet, I know people my age that are in chronic pain, so I will take my white healthy flat ass off this thread.. apologize to novicecourtesan for this last hijack, and promise not to return to this thread because I will not be responding to anymore derogatory insulting or bullying behavior from someone that obviously does not care how he disrespects others... and being this is the internet, I suppose one cannot expect any kind of better types of behavior here.. especially having encountered them at my jobs in the real world... many men want to show women that are more articulate than they what their "place" is... This is nothing new for me. So go on with ur bad self azzmaster, make fun of my body and my skin color, and my relationship, and whatever else your mind can dream up to slam me about... all because I did not appreciate your humor. I know that is so fucking unforgiveable to you, how dare I not get your jokes! outta here!

azzmaster -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/26/2007 12:00:34 AM)
julia i think i just posted that one of my pet peeves was people that post over 1000 words responding to someone else. its just so damn boring. also no one can make u feel bad about urself.only u can do that u think u make me feel bad about myself? hmmmn.... NOT...

ModeratorEleven -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/26/2007 12:06:03 AM)
Ok, that's enough. XI

novicecourtesan -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/26/2007 7:22:44 AM)
sigh. hello moderator. I was wondering when you'd show up.

RWAble -> RE: question for monogamous doms (2/26/2007 7:37:04 AM)
Second that. quote: ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan sigh. hello moderator. I was wondering when you'd show up.

BreatheinToMe -> RE: question for monogamous doms (3/9/2007 5:36:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael and the moderator rides MY ass...amazing what other people get away with. Thanks for that visual !....:)

PONYSEEKER -> RE: question for monogamous doms (3/9/2007 10:40:40 AM)
Okay I will try this one....LOL For me personaly I am a very old fashioned person living in a high tech world... both of these worlds dont go together so for me BDSM is a method of getting a square peg into a round hole. I have had relationships with multiple woman at the same time and for me it just dosnt do it. I am not so much after the sex in a realationship as I am everything else the sex is just the icing on the cake and I really could not be involved with a woman who does not cater to my sexual desires probably because I live such a repressed working life that consumes the bulk of my time (I'm really fucking busy all the time) I feel that a man and woman should compliment or complete each other and I have never been able to have this feeling or experience when dealing with multiple partners. I have also found that when I have tried poly that at some point there was allways one person left holding the bag while the other person got all the goods .... the attentions were divided and everyone was left half satisfied emotionaly and exhausted phisically. For me the dyanamics of a relationship is extreamly complex and when it comes to sex I want to get right down to a womans soul and yank it out so to speak.... it kind of makes me feel human seeing a woman as is without all those social bagages and such and with poly it just dosnt work that way for me. The more closer the one on one is the greater the trust and the greater those huge O's and everything else... for me at least.

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