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how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 7:52:37 PM

squirrelly

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline

In my other posts, I briefly talked about my first and only dom. He got engaged to a vanilla and broke off our little "relationship".
Last night he and his showed up at a party for one of our mutual friends. He pulls me into the back bathroom and begins all the kissing and doing all the things I miss. Just when I think I'm doing better and moving on.... he comes back and does all the things that I need. How! How do I stop thinking about him? How do I stop this when I want it so much? I absolutely refuse to get in the middle of their soon to be marriage. He was my first and only Dom. He's all that I know about this. He still has that hold on me and he knows it. How do I go about breaking this off for good so I can move on? Am I crazy?

Post #: 1

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 8:01:17 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

You could kick him in the balls. After all it's okay to be a greedy sub and say "I Don't SHARE!" Since he's a jerk who thinks he can just do thing to you when he want's, well have you ever heard the phrase "FUCK OFF!"
Hang up on him, don't talk to him, let him know that he made his bed now he has to sleep in it. He had you and then went with another. That's his problem and not yours. You're a cute girl and there's a much better Dom out there for ya.
If he pulls then you yank back. Or you can start making lots of noise and come out in a dazed look making sure his Finace thinks you two did the naughty. Then he has neither of you. If he's gonna play, then he has to pay.

That's the way I see it. Make his life hell or dump the looser. You're better off moving on to bigger and better things.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 2

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 8:10:18 PM

GentleLady

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

In My opinion that is called 'cheating' and gives you a good idea of where he is coming from. It is up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with. If you do not wish to be in the middle of their relationship then you must take steps to stay out of that position. The fact that he appears to be trying to hide his behaviour from his fiancee by pulling you into the backroom should be noted. Perhaps he needs to make a choice as to what he really wants.

Gentle Lady

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 3

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 8:44:52 PM

squirrelly

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline

thanks guys.

(in reply to GentleLady)

Post #: 4

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 8:47:38 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: squirrelly
He got engaged to a vanilla and broke off our little "relationship".
Last night he and his showed up at a party for one of our mutual friends. He pulls me into the back bathroom and begins all the kissing and doing all the things I miss.

You're allowing lying jerkoff to use and abuse you, and you're participating in hurting another woman.
I'm very sorry you're in this predicament. I've been tempted to go there a few times myself with an ex, who now lives with another, but keeps wanting back (without splitting with other)... I tell him to fuck off as Fangs said; he made his bed, he has to now sleep in it.
Your Dom, if he were honorable, and respected women, wouldn't do this to you and his Fiance; so you, need to cut him off, don't answer the phone, or you may choose to embarrass him in front of her (if you want to pay him back, not something I personally subscribe to since she did nothing to you). M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 5

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 9:34:00 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

This guy may have called himself a dom, but i think it's safe to say..that it was in name only!! While i hate the words true and real when as it's related to anyone intentions or feelings or actions, but i think i'll make an exception in his case...he's not only not a true or real dom, but he's a real jerk. (i have other words, but am trying to be a lady here..lol)

i know it's hard to stop thinking about him, and what you thought you had with him. One trick i've used once or twice over the years is to allow myself a time to think about "HIM", wallow in anger or hurt or whatever other feelings i have -- but i put a time limit on it..only at 1:00 pm, and for only 10 minutes. Then, the rest of the time when my mind wandered to him i'd tell myself i had to wait..and to make myself listen..lol. It wasn't easy, but it helped to break myself of what i condered a bad habit that was meant to be broken.

i send you lots of hugs and best wishes..

jiminie

ps - i personally think you made a lucky escape from this guy, because he's not just on cheating his wife, but on you as well..and you deserve better :)

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 6

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/19/2005 9:47:31 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: squirrelly

In my other posts, I briefly talked about my first and only dom. He got engaged to a vanilla and broke off our little "relationship".
Last night he and his showed up at a party for one of our mutual friends. He pulls me into the back bathroom and begins all the kissing and doing all the things I miss. Just when I think I'm doing better and moving on.... he comes back and does all the things that I need. How! How do I stop thinking about him? How do I stop this when I want it so much? I absolutely refuse to get in the middle of their soon to be marriage. He was my first and only Dom. He's all that I know about this. He still has that hold on me and he knows it. How do I go about breaking this off for good so I can move on? Am I crazy?

Ok, I'm going to give you the straight skinny (as I see it). Fuck all the moralisms.

You know exactly who you're dealing with because he's 'done' you and now he's 'doing' her. You have the ultimate power of veto. If you don't like what's going on then step up to the damned plate and say no (and mean it). Otherwise you're suffering is self imposed. Suck it up.

Pain in life is inevitable, suffering is optional.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 7

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 12:43:42 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Doms are jerks, doms are assholes.

Being an asshole doesn't mean they aren't a dom, it just means they are a dom who is also an asshole.

He's using your feelings against you and manipulating you to get what he wants. You can either be a firm independent woman, or you can continue to let him ruin your emotional stability.

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 8

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 4:12:40 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

You take a long good hard look at him... do you respect him? Do you like his behaviour? Is it the behaviour of someone you can trust?
Look at yourself too... do you not deserve better?

Then give yourself a stern talking to.... only you can break this and just think of the satisfaction when you do. You'll be able to move on and find what you do deserve.

Oumae

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 9

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 6:34:33 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Squirrelly-

There is a cure, but it ain't easy. You can move on without leaving yourself behind.

The first step is to wallow in the pain. Make up a playlist of every song that makes you remember her, and play it 24/7. Surround yourself with pictures, momentos everything that makes sad. Watch every sappy movie you can think of. Cry till your guts ache. do it for about a week.

Then find a friend, some one who owes you for whatever reason, and get them to give you a weekend out of their life. get stinking drunk, and tell them the whole sad story, over and over, unitll you are both sick of it.

Then get laid. If your heart isn't in it, just put your genetialia into it. If you can't manage a stranger, call an ex- anyone that won't be too emtionally entangling. Give your body a new set of memories to patch over thae recent ones from him.

Repeat as needed.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 10

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 7:04:51 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

Lawrence!! Man you are dramatic.

Parts one and two lasts about 1 day for me and then I'm on to step 3 and I repeat step 3 many times. Just a little variation on the recipe ;)

I'd have to say that what you are going through squirrelly is pretty normal whether you are vanilla or into wiitwd. Sometimes people take longer to get over then others. But it the end, the situation will be as dramatic as we allow it to be.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 11

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 8:31:44 AM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Squirrely-
They make it sound so easy, don't they? 'Step up to the plate' etc etc. Easy to say. Maybe even easy for the people saying it to do- but obviously pretty hard for you. I'm not saying it isn't all good advice- it is. But, as with most good advice, if you could follow it that easily, you wouldn't be asking for it. My guess is that nobody has told you anything in this thread you didn't already know.
It sounds to me like you're a very, very submissive girl- and that's a good thing, in the right circumstances. You happen to have some pretty crappy circumstances, and rather than try to go against your nature and your desires, I'd suggest you try to change the circumstances. Get some support- even if it's not the dom of your dreams, perhaps you can find somebody who can help steady you, and fend off the asshole. Doesn't have to be a dom, a lover, a boyfriend- just somebody to watch your back and stick up for you. Somebody who doesn't mind getting in the way when you're succumbing to your ex. Somebody who can help you clear some space in your head and your heart for somebody better. There are lots of better doms out there, looking for someone sweet and submissive- and that sounds like you.

Citizen Cane

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 12

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 9:46:07 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

So your definition of someone who is "very very submissive" is someone who has difficulty understanding how to deal with life situations so they don't get totally messed up by someone's elses crap?

Guess I'm not hardly submissive at all then...the Owner expects me to act very mature very independent and kick ALL dramatic crap like that to the curb quickly.

No one has said that this advice is easy- only that it's the truth and the only way it's going to work out to her advantage. If she wants to take the hard long road that leaves her crying and vulnerable and confused and hurt and ultimately still unhappy, that's her choice.

But that's good to know about the very submissive part.

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Post #: 13

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 9:50:54 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
So your definition of someone who is "very very submissive" is someone who has difficulty understanding how to deal with life situations so they don't get totally messed up by someone's elses crap?

I read this and thought the exact same thing EmeraldSlave2.

I don't think that someone's coping skills are linked to their level of submission. In fact, I'm convinced that they are not even remotely related.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 14

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 10:44:58 AM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Aww, jeez, girls. I'm not defining 'very, very submissive'. I think it can encompass a lot of variations. INCLUDING, but not limited to, people who have a hard time asserting themselves in some circumstances. Emerald- one difference between you and Squirrely you might note, besides your long time in the lifestyle, is that you have an owner. You speak of his expectations. Great. For some people (perhaps not you), there's a world of difference between having an owner whose expectations you can live up to, and just being on your own trying to handle it all yourself.
I think it's a perfectly legitimate approach for Squirrely to seek some support in resisting her ex. People seek support all the time- does being submissive mean you shouldn't? I'm a reasonably domly kinda guy in real life, and I seek support for all kinds of things. There are things I can't do, things I don't do all that well, and things I have no desire to learn to do, or to do if I learned them. Nobody does everything themselves. It's no knock on Squirrely to suggest that she might do better to enlist some support than to adopt a persona that may not suit her. After all, she has an immediate issue to address, and developing whole new patterns of coping skills may (as in 'may or may not') be a preferred ultimate solution, but it's one that takes time at best. Actually, enlisting aid is a pretty powerful coping skill.

_____________________________

Citizen Cane

If silence is golden, why is duct tape silver?

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 15

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 10:53:16 AM

twistedsteel

Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Funky Fell's Point, Baltimore
Status: offline

Great couple of replies, CitizenCane (and totally excellent handle, BTW). Good to see people respond with reason rather than hostility.

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1. Restore breathing
2. Stop any bleeding
3. Treat for shock

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Post #: 16

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 11:30:00 AM

squirrelly

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline

Thanks. You're right Cane. The reason I come here is because this isn't something I'm used to doing. I know the million things other people can say and it's much easier said than done. The reason I brought this request here is because you guys know the difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship and maybe I could get some advice based on that difference. Ive never had to break it off with a Dom before... and I don't know how to do that when it's something deeper than just a vanilla relationship.
I promise I'll stop rambling now.

and thanks for everyone's help.

(in reply to twistedsteel)

Post #: 17

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 2:09:47 PM

MidnightWriter

Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: squirrelly

Thanks. You're right Cane. The reason I come here is because this isn't something I'm used to doing. I know the million things other people can say and it's much easier said than done.

Everything in life is easier said than done. There's been some good advice in this thread - stuff that works for getting over a relationship, whether it's kinky or 'nilla. They're not really different in the healing process - it's just different levels of intensity. It's not easy (nor is it any easier on the other end of the whip - trust me, it's not) - but that doesn't make it any less needful.

quote:

The reason I brought this request here is because you guys know the difference between a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship and maybe I could get some advice based on that difference. Ive never had to break it off with a Dom before... and I don't know how to do that when it's something deeper than just a vanilla relationship.

Sorry - it's really the same process - the only real difference is the intensity and the needs that are being unmet.

If he's continuing to yank your chain because he's the only source for something you want, find another source. It doesn't have to be a serious d/s relationship - someone else to date occasionally will lessen his allure to you anyway.

The one difference between 'nilla and kinky in breakups is in the coping skills. Within many d/s relationships, the sub is required to do things that are difficult, distasteful, or downright painful - but they submit, and do them anyway. Now, without another's collar, you need to be your own dominant. Gauge yourself and your situation, your various options, and decide what would be your best plan of action - regardless of how difficult it is. Then put on your self-dom hat, and order yourself to do it. This can be scary and uncomfortable - but then, lots of things are scary and uncomfortable when someone else is your dom, too. Take comfort in the idea that having control of yourself makes it easier to hand that control over to another, when you decide to do so. Talk it over with other subs and doms, getting input on how to fine-tune your control over yourself.

On the "easier" end of things to do, find a munch group, join or start a discussion group for subs in your area, find other, non-scary ways to keep yourself busy in the lifestyle - while it doesn't cure, it does help.

_____________________________

Power corrupts. Absolute power ... is really pretty nifty.

TIES - pansexual BDSM social group in MN, USA - http://www.ties-bdsm.org

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 18

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 2:21:18 PM

mystnangel

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Everyone had great advice, squirrelly. Take it all in, sort it all out and do what is best for you. Sort of like being at the salad bar, picking out what you like best. (Naw, make that the Sundae bar. Ice cream always helps in these situations.) Not being the most assertive knot on the tree, I like Citizen Kane's advice about having a bit of help.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't go through the process of grieving the loss and saying no on your own, just means it helps to have an advocate. It can get pretty lonely and rutterless out here. Having someone willing to step up to the plate with you, isn't the worst thing in the world, especially when you are starting out. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares enough to stand firm with you, gives you the strength to do it on your own.

Just me wee humble opinion.

angel

PS... I seem to be in cliche mayhem today... but you git the jist.

(in reply to squirrelly)

Post #: 19

RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 4:25:10 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

Aww, jeez, girls. I'm not defining 'very, very submissive'. I think it can encompass a lot of variations. INCLUDING, but not limited to, people who have a hard time asserting themselves in some circumstances.

Is THIS why so many subs have to assert they aren't dorrmats because so many subs actually act like them?

I don't think someone is a doormat just because they have problems being assertive sometimes- most of us have things they aren't assertive about. But there are things that one simply needs to deal with on their own and need to learn how to deal with as an independent adult.

quote:

Emerald- one difference between you and Squirrely you might note, besides your long time in the lifestyle, is that you have an owner. You speak of his expectations. Great. For some people (perhaps not you), there's a world of difference between having an owner whose expectations you can live up to, and just being on your own trying to handle it all yourself.

Most doms I know prefer subs who they can rely on to be strong with or without them. Plenty of doms have no problems helping a sub learn how to do this, but they need to know how to deal with life.

I even understand the issue- it's HARD to move on when someone gives so much attention, it's HARD to say no and keep away. But calling in some body guard only increases the drama, increases the number of people involved and doesn't end the situation- only she can do that. This really is more an issue of HER resolving within herself what she already knows and committing to that.

quote:

I think it's a perfectly legitimate approach for Squirrely to seek some support in resisting her ex.

I agree, but support does not equal babysitting or holding back.

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Post #: 20

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