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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 7:00:44 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
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quote:

Lawrence!! Man you are dramatic.

Milady A.-

True- but as dramatic as it seems- it can shortcut months of drama, and seems to have as good a sucess rate as anything I have ever seen.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 7:11:52 PM

LadyAngelika

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Lawrence,

I have no doubt. Calling you dramatic was not a reproach. It's actually nice to see men in touch with their feelings. :)

- LA

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 7:36:37 PM

mystnangel

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/18/2005
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I even understand the issue- it's HARD to move on when someone gives so much attention, it's HARD to say no and keep away. But calling in some body guard only increases the drama, increases the number of people involved and doesn't end the situation- only she can do that. This really is more an issue of HER resolving within herself what she already knows and committing to that.

Those are easy words to write, but not always so easy to execute. Emerald, I've read a lot of your posts. I've even taken some of your advice. You are an exceptionally strong person, and I admire you for that and for your articulate, no-nonsense posts. And, yes, ultimately we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, and squirrelly has to resolve this within herself.

However, sometimes, we do need someone stronger to help us do what we must do. Not everyone has your spirit and spunk. It is something many aspire to have, but we aren't always right there.

You don't know where everyone comes from, what history brought them to the place they are. You don't know what fears they face and what triggers emotions that thrust them back into doing the precise thing they swear they'll never do again.

It is difficult for anyone to tell someone they love to back off. Even if the one they love is a creep. And it isn't always about being a doormat, but about being unable to wrap oneself around the words and actions that are so alien to some people's nature.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that squirrelly asks someone else to fight her battles, but there is nothing wrong with having support in that battle, nor having the creep know you have that support. Meanwhile, if it is the right person, they can help her get to the place where you are, the place she needs to be.

Buck up and just do it is great advice, but sometimes no matter how hard we try, we simply can't. Hasn't there ever been anything you just couldn't do no matter how hard you wanted to do it or change it? Hasn't anyone ever stepped in and said, com'on, let me give you a hand, followed by, I'll show you how? It's not just about doing it for a person, but about showing them how, teaching them. Isn't that part of what this culture is all about? Or am I totally off base? I'm just learning about all this, so what do I really know. However, in all the research, I'm discovering a common thread. The good ones care. The good ones teach. The good ones guide.

But I'm digressing.

angel

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/20/2005 9:26:25 PM

squirrelly

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Joined: 3/1/2005
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thanks guys. i appreciate all the different aspects of your advice.
no, i don't make other people do my bidding. nor will i let myself be a doormat. i'm not the supersubmissive girl, in fact, without a dom, i'm pretty independent.
with this guy, it's hard for me to say no because all i'm used to saying to him is yes. today is a lot better than yesterday, and better than friday. for the long run, i'm not sure what will happen. but i'm going to just go day to day. i don't know if he'll send me an instant message in the next day, or in the next month... and i don't know how i'll respond. but when the time comes, whatever happens will direct which path i take.

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/21/2005 6:40:19 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Why don't you decide now what you will respond with then and practice? That way it won't be a surprise and you can deal with it.

The simplest solution might simply be- DO NOT TALK TO HIM. Don't respond to messages or emails or phone calls, if you come up to eachother in public, keep it to simple small talk and then casually move to another location.

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/21/2005 10:24:24 AM

knkywch

Posts: 53
Joined: 7/23/2004
From: Cal-iFORN-eye-yay
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And, sometimes we just need experience the pain of saying "yes" when we know that deep in our hearts where our true values live, we mean "no". There is a level of seduction in erotic power exchange that is very very attractive. The seduction of being wanted can be huge, overwhelming and sometimes sway us into going against our core values. It's a human fact of life that can be very very intense depending on the person and situation.

The whole being "used to saying...yes" thing can be difficult if you do not keep firmly in mind that there are bounaries between neutral space and play space. In neutral space, we practice saying "no" and ground ourselves by functioning as a whole adult and not someone's slave or submissive. AND, there are people who do not want those boundaries, who truly want to have someone else calling the shots. And that can be extraordinarily painful if one has surrendered one's self to someone who is not honorable, not respectful, not in integrity. And, if this person is toying with you in ways that promote deception, then that person is not worthy of your submission, your devotion, your time, your energy... your "yes".

Submit first to your core values, to your deepest heart's desires. THEN, match that up with a dominant who is aligned with you there. You deserve integrity, honor, respect. Settling for something "good" is the enemy of attaining the "best" -- you deserve the best.

Good luck to you,
kw

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/21/2005 11:02:35 AM

CitizenCane

Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
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Emerald-
Having read a few posts here, I believe I recognize you from years ago on AOL- please correct me if I'm wrong. I can't remember the nick I used in those days, or I'd introduce myself. If memory serves, you went to great lengths to be the voice of reason, an uphill battle on AOL chat. So, it surprises me that your remarks have the contentious flavor they have- characterizing 'enlisting aid' as getting 'babysitting' , for instance. Characterizing someone as a 'doormat' politicizes the issue without shedding any light on it. As you're no doubt aware, plenty of vanilla folks would see your no-limits brand of slavery as the supreme expression of doormat-ism. As for what 'most doms' you or I might happen to know might want, I hardly think that's germaine to Squirrely's problem.
Squirrely has written in her profile,

quote:

I don't live the lifestyle 24/7 but I am submissive in most of my relationships, business, family, friends, lovers, etc. Ilike other people to take charge of me.

I'd call that an example, though not a definition, of being very submissive. It also suggests someone that can use some support in dealing with people used to dominating her.
Unlike some in the community, I don't think there's anything wrong with a sub being submissive all the time. It wouldn't matter if I did, because that's just how some people are. Maybe there are "things that one simply needs to deal with on their own and need to learn to deal with as an independent adult", but I think people in this lifestyle have a considerable variety of opinion about just what those things might be. After all, independence is exactly what many do not want. I thought it more appropriate to suggest an approach based on how Squirrely has presented herself than to tell her what she should want. YMMV.

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/21/2005 5:00:48 PM

GentleLady

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Joined: 2/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: squirrelly

thanks guys. i appreciate all the different aspects of your advice.
no, i don't make other people do my bidding. nor will i let myself be a doormat. i'm not the supersubmissive girl, in fact, without a dom, i'm pretty independent.
with this guy, it's hard for me to say no because all i'm used to saying to him is yes. today is a lot better than yesterday, and better than friday. for the long run, i'm not sure what will happen. but i'm going to just go day to day. i don't know if he'll send me an instant message in the next day, or in the next month... and i don't know how i'll respond. but when the time comes, whatever happens will direct which path i take.

It is hard when the person is still inside your head...even harder when you still care about them. The following things are ones I found helped Me through similar times. I would suggest blocking the person on IM so you cannot see when they are on-line. It becomes way too tempting to send a message when you know they are on-line and it is easy to become fixated watching for them to come on. If your phone has call display then I would suggest not answering any calls from him. Once your head is a bit clearer and your emotions have settled, then it will be possible to speak with him without sending your emotions and thoughts into a tail spin.

Running into him real time is going to hurt for awhile. Avoid it if you can and have friends or someone who knows the situation with you if you do have to be someplace where he will be. If you have a picture of him you can practice saying 'no thanks' to the picture. When your heart sings for joy that he still wants you...remember that he walked away and chose another...and is still with her. It does get easier as time passes though so hang in there.

Gentle Lady

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/21/2005 6:02:02 PM

kyakitten

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Joined: 11/21/2004
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Hi Squirrelly,

Getting over a Dom involves getting over the person and then also toning down the respect and obedience and submission you award that person. You've had good advice about the former so I'll take a stab at the latter.

This guy may have once been your Dom, but from what you describe he's not acting like a Dom any more (imqo). Isn't your Dom supposed to have your safety and wellbeing always in mind? That obviously wasn't the case at the party. He could have easily predicted that his actions would cause you pain (not the good kind). He wouldn't have acted that way if he had been protecting you like a Dom would instead of just satisfying himself.

Try thinking of him as just an average guy... and then you may get clear enough to see him as the creep that most of us here behold.

Strength.

< Message edited by kyakitten -- 10/5/2005 8:36:19 PM >

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/22/2005 2:33:36 PM

SidneyFault

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Joined: 11/22/2004
From: Las Vegas
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Moving on always tends to be the hardest things. But this guy sounds like bad news. If he ended your relationship and keeps coming back the guy is a loser because he doesn't respect you. He just wants a quick fix with out the comittment. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean that you have to be a victim. He is talking advantage of you and that's just not right.

Well I hope this helps
Cheers!
Sidney Fault

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/22/2005 9:54:12 PM

DarthdaVer

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Joined: 3/22/2005
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Darth

You have been banned from Collarme for reasons you are well aware.

I have also personally read you trashing Collarme in general and us moderators specifically on b.com. Despite your assertions there, you were indeed given notification, you were warned via email and you had an extensive email discussions with another moderator about it. For the record, and speaking solely for myself, I'm not afraid of you (as you insinuated on the other board) I'm merely doing the job I volunteered to do here at CM.

If you refuse to acknowledge and follow the rules everyone else here must abide by, then at least endure the consequences like an adult.

Mod5

< Message edited by ModeratorFive -- 3/24/2005 3:01:49 PM >

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/23/2005 4:01:05 AM

MsDemmie

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Joined: 10/22/2004
From: Devon England
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Just take all the excellent advice here and stop talking to him - just say NO

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RE: how do you stop talking to your dom? - 3/24/2005 12:25:57 PM

knees2you

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Ok I was born Submissive and I would serve both
Mistresses and Masters, but I perfer Mistresses~

But I wouldn't care if they both did that to me, I would give them the same treatment.

They say Tequila heals all wounds? Well just take Him the bottle and
Pour it over his head and say "You just lost the best thing You'll ever have! Now get over it!!"