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losttreasure -> RE: How do I dominate a woman I love? (2/23/2007 11:53:44 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Butterthemuffin
How do you find out what your Sub wants with out asking her? I know your not supposed to ask, but how do you know if she wants pain or punishment or humiliation?
Right before Christmas I posted a response to the thread "What men wish women would tell them... and WHEN to tell them"; I'll repost that comment here because I think it might help you a little.
quote:
ORIGINAL: losttreasure
... I've almost always appreciated being given direction. Wanting to please is very much a part of my makeup and I'm very receptive to instructions if they're delivered with a little care. But it's also been hard for me to learn to speak up about what I'd like. A good part of the reason has to do with not wanting to feel like I'm controlling, but there's also a worry that my comments might be taken as criticism. (Men have such fragile egos, don't you know. ) But in general, there's a very large part that fears exposure and rejection.
I don't believe I'm too unusual in these respects, so my "holiday gift" to dominants would be to offer the following suggestions when plumbing the depths of your pet's sexual/kinky secrets... be it to pleasure her/him, or yourself.
(Not to discount any relationship configuration, but I'll be referring to the dominant role as male and the submissive as female from here on out... it's what I'm familiar with.)
1) Go slowly. No matter what your level of activity is, take things slowly. Explore and take time to really learn each others responses... but more important, take time to enjoy where you are at now and at each level before you race off to the next thrill. Oh, and don't forget to revisit those levels you've surpassed... just because your sub can now tolerate a stiff beating, it doesn't mean that she can't still enjoy an erotic and "gentle" spanking.
2) Ask questions. You don't need to make her feel like she's being interrogated (unless she likes that ), but never assume anything. Talk to her before, during and after. Make every effort to really listen to her answers... not only what she says, but how she says it. Ask her about what she knows and understands about the male body. Ask what she feels...is she comfortable... is it too rough/not rough enough... what is she thinking... what is she expecting. Find out everything you can... knowledge is power.
3) Don't judge. It may be a soul wrenching confession for her to tell you that she wants x, y, or z. Treat her openness with respect and care, and you'll only encourage her to become even more transparent to you.
4) Reassure. If she's submitted or admitted to something that she's either not sure about or might be embarrassed about (you know this because you've asked - see #2 above), make sure she knows that you are pleased and that she will not be rejected. Even if it's not perfect, reassure her that her efforts alone have pleased you.
5) Empathize. Put yourself in her position... not literally, but consider how things are from her viewpoint and use that information. If you're wanting the world's best blowjob, expecting her to accomplish that while dealing with the distraction of an uncomfortable position might be asking too much. Again, it's more information and that is more power.
6) Teach. No one knows your body better than you do. Share with her what she needs to know (you know what she's lacking because you've asked questions - see #2 above). Tell her where to touch, and how, and when... and what to expect. Have a "dom exploration day" where she can learn what pleases you from the top of your head to the toes of your feet. Once more, knowledge is power and you're giving your sub the power to please you. ("Commanding" a reciprocal "sub exploration day" would be an easy follow-up... after all, you've set the example for what you want to know about her.)
7) Control intensity. If you are truly looking to pleasure your submissive, here's where you really need all that information you've gathered (see #2 above) and more. While a submissive might enjoy a particular activity, it doesn't mean they'll enjoy that same activity at a higher intensity. There's a huge difference between enjoying something and tolerating it. Keep asking (see #2 above).
8) Positively reinforce. Praise goes a long way toward encouraging the behavior and activities that you want. If she's pleased you, let her know. If she does something that knocks your socks off, make damn sure she knows about it. You'll be glad you did.
9) Correct gently. This is a broad generalization and may not apply to all subs, but submissives have a tendency to be very sensitive... especially when it comes to pleasing their dominant. Use criticism (even the so-called constructive type) sparingly and avoid it if at all possible. You've many other tools (see #1 through #8 above) that you can use before resorting to the potential damage that a poorly worded or timed criticism can do.
10) Timing is everything. Unfortunately, it's also the one thing that I can't give you a specific answer on. So much depends upon the activity and what needs to be said. All I can tell you is that you should never allow an issue to go unresolved for any great period of time... especially if it concerns an activity that has been performed repeatedly. I promise you that nothing will crush your submissive's spirit faster than to sit her down, after several months and countless blowjobs, to give her instruction on how to please you orally. All she's going to do is spend the entire time reeling with thoughts that you've "put up" with her inferior performance for all this time, speculating about the dissatisfaction you've felt with her, and wondering what other failings of hers are you simply tolerating. Not a good thing.
As you might gather from this, nothing could be further from the truth than your understanding that you aren't supposed to ask. Open and honest communication is probably one of the most important aspects to a D/s relationship... any relationship, really.
If it bothers you to think of "asking", consider instead that you are requiring and encouraging your sub to be transparent and provide to you information.
Best Wishes,
Treasure
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