Sub/Slave selection criteria (Full Version)

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ScooterTrash -> Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 4:34:20 AM)

This may seem like a trivial question, but I am certain this has to be decided by many, what is the most important when selecting a potential sub or slave. It seems that there are many sub/slaves who are searching for a Dom/me and they obviously all have different preferences, but Dominants have preferences too. It is difficult to find someone who you "click" with, someone you feel you can make that commitment with. But what is the determining factor? It is disheartening to locate someone who "fits" limits, general attitude and such, but what if you find them and they just don't do anything for you appearance wise? By the same token, what if they appear to you as pleasing or even "OMG hot" to the eye, but their attitude, demeaner or outlook is just way off base. Yes, you can adjust attitude and such to a point, but is it worth that chance just to have a cutey or a hunk as a sub/slave? What brings this up is that there are many a potential loyal and perhaps even near perfect sub/slaves that simply don't perhaps fit the mold you have in your head of what they should look like. In the nilla world, appearance seems to be the first attraction, but in the lifestyle we tend to focus more on the whole person. We may in many cases actually start conversing with a person, such as if you meet them through CM or in chat and not know for at least a short period of time, what they look like. It is discouraging to meet someone and think, damned, they are perfect, only to find that they just are not what you pictured them like. So where do you draw the line? Do you simply suck it in and figure, oh well, I can't have it all, or do you stick to your guns and say, I can find the right combination? This would work both ways of course, I could see a sub/slave finding what they thought was the perfect Dominant for them, only to be crushed when they see what they are dealing with. So..as an opinion, what do you think is more important, the inner sub/slave or the visible exterior? Or is this even what you use at all, perhaps it's specific items such a fetishes, kinks, skills, experience, who knows what? Is one thing really better than the others, do we actually hold out for the exact package we are searching for, or are we kidding ourselves, is that criteria just too focused? I know there is no definitive answer here, but a general consensus would be interesting.



mistoferin -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 4:54:48 AM)

quote:

It is discouraging to meet someone and think, damned, they are perfect, only to find that they just are not what you pictured them like. So where do you draw the line?


I can't answer in regards to finding a sub/slave but when I was searching for a Dominant I can tell you that the mental aspects were most important to me. As for the physical, while I would not expect perfection (as I am imperfect in many ways myself), there must be at least a strong attraction.



CitizenCane -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 8:49:12 AM)

Well, I'm not big on 'settling'. On the other hand, I'm an artist. My expectations are influenced by my ability to, for instance, take four sticks, a rag, and some greasy dirt, and make a thing of beauty out of them. Just as I don't have in my mind's eye one 'perfect painting', I don't envision one 'ideal sub'. Beauty takes many forms, and among them is a willingness to undergo transformation. To me, part of the joy and intensity of D/s is the process of reshaping and refining that makes dom and sub a good fit.
However, since I'm neither willing nor able to detain people against their will indefinitely, all this requires a certain minimum level of cooperation on the part of the submissive- a desire to achieve that fit. That's the main make-or-break with me. I also recognize, however, that desire does not always imply capability. Some people simply can't accomplish certain kinds of changes- for instance, I'm not interested in a male sub, no matter how motivated they might be. So, like most people, I prefer to deal with someone who has the basics together, so we can devote our energy to working on the more interesting parts.

Citizen Cane



BeachMystress -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 12:53:40 PM)



In my opinion, the outer shell really doesn't matter. Someone may be gorgeous, but once you're used to how they look and take it for granted, you still have to deal with the inner them. Chemistry for me is based on internals.

I've always looked for compatibility and heartfelt submission. My list of things I sought in my perfect sub: loyal, honest, honorable, trustworthy, empathic, compassionate, considerate, prompt, intelligent, funny, romantic, mature, enjoy dry (sarcastic) humor, NON SMOKER and able to communicate. I've never had a preference appearance wise where submissives are concerned. Oh, wait.. I guess I did. I've actually often avoided the eye candy type submissive, as in my experience, many of them try trading on their looks, rather than offering worthwhile submission. My choice of sub has traditionally been average looking.

My current sub is well built eye candy, as well as being an awesome submissive. I made an exception to playing with him when we first met, because I'd seen him in action. He was actually serving at a party- fetching drinks and making life more comfortable for the Domme- rather than indulging his own need to socialize as the other subs were.

Luck was with me and I ended up with a man who not only is easy on the eyes but who is everything on my perfect sub list but prompt. In holding out for one who fit what I needed, I ended up with the whole package. As we age, that outter package is going to no longer be quite as visually appealing. I'm still going to love and cherish him, because he'll still be the same person inside. The insides count.




domtimothy46176 -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 4:15:56 PM)

I don't see anything trivial in your question at all. I think it's important to understand what one is looking for and what one's personal priorities are. For myself, I require a shared set of beliefs and values, as well as compatable ideals and goals. Because I'm service orieted, sexual attraction is a secondary consideration. I find intellectual stimulation to be a more powerful attraction than a nice rack and a well-shaped tush but YMMV.
Timothy



GentleLady -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 5:52:12 PM)

quote:

So..as an opinion, what do you think is more important, the inner sub/slave or the visible exterior? Or is this even what you use at all, perhaps it's specific items such a fetishes, kinks, skills, experience, who knows what?


For Myself it is the inner person, which includes attitude, behaviour, ethics, fetishes, skills, experience, etc. Those will determine whether or not I speak with them and enjoy their company. However, I have to feel a 'spark' when we meet or it will remain only a casual friendship. That spark will decide how close I get to the person and whether or not I will scene with them once in a while. If the spark is also a sexual attraction then things may progress a lot further, if the attraction is mutual. I am not saying that sexual activity would take place. I am saying that, for Myself, if the sexual spark is not there then an on-going relationship will not start. This is one of the things I look for when getting to know a potential submissive and deciding whether or not they are going to become a regular part of My life.

A person's appearance plays a definite role in whether or not the 'spark' is there but....*shrugs*....I have been told before that I have odd tastes.

Gentle Lady



blimabean -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 5:54:28 PM)

To summize all your questions-
Personally, I look at the whole package. And settling is not an option. For settling to me, I would eventually grow weary of said sub/slave. In some form or another.
Catching my eye, from the front page of a profile is not limited to just a picture. In fact, I don't use that feature(pictures only), when browsing. For me to go into a profile with interest, something distinct has clicked in my mind. It could be her name, location, something she said, or yes, her appearance.
Upon entering further, I check her interests. If she has none listed: I figure A.) she is a lazy ass. Which would not meet my needs. B.) she is avoiding unwanted messages. Thus, I'm am not going to approach. C.) she is playing head games. Perhaps just wanting sex. Perhaps seeing what oppurtunites she has out there. In any case, again, not coming close to my needs.
I have a few "interests" that are a Must. Pending the amount that are, or not included, again, I move on.
Now, should her interests come very close to the few "Musts" of mine. Then I read her words on her page entirely. From theprofile, and her journal.
IF....... I still find an interest in her.... then, I will introduce myself. But ONLY after she has been here awhile.
I don't join the hounds of hell, who bombard "new" subs/slaves/females to the site!

[image]local://upfiles/1574/271C69A5393A439EAC852E9307ECCABB.jpg[/image]



BeachMystress -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/20/2005 8:10:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: blimabean

To summize all your questions-
IF....... I still find an interest in her.... then, I will introduce myself. But ONLY after she has been here awhile.
I don't join the hounds of hell, who bombard "new" subs/slaves/females to the site!


It is sad that you don't introduce yourself to new subs on the site. Someone who is new may not have any idea that they can expect something besides wankers. Writing to someone at a time when they are getting a lot of wankers doesn't make you a wanker too. The content is what does that. I tell you from experience, when you're beset with wankers, a real contact can be a breath of fresh air.



temptation -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 1:38:16 AM)

I cant add labels to "What I look for in a person" and then compare and contrast everyone I meet to those labels. It's unrealistic, in a black and white kind of way.

Nobody will fit what I want perfectly, and so instead of making a list and writing down all of the ways that a person dissapoints me, I either deal with it or move on.



darkinshadows -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 1:58:01 AM)

Perfection doesn't exists. I am sure you are aware of that, however. But knowing this of ourselves I find helps knowing it in others.

Never settle. If one settles, then one can stagnate, and eventually resent both the situation and that which was 'settled' upon. Find what You really desire. What are the no contest areas. Compromise only on the things that don't make you tick. For example, you may find that blondes just don't 'do it ' for you... then of course, don't settle. If height isn't a problem for you, then compromise on that.

It is very politically correct to say, 'looks don't matter'... and in truth, they don't. But what does matter is what you are attracted to. Not everyone likes large breasts... some people on the other hand prefere something to 'grab hold of'... It isn't bigotry, it's a simple thing of attraction. You wouldn't eat something you didn't like, it might make you sick. Why settle on spending time with something that doesn't bring out the admiration from within you?

Peace and Love



LadyAngelika -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 4:00:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel

It is very politically correct to say, 'looks don't matter'... and in truth, they don't. But what does matter is what you are attracted to. Not everyone likes large breasts... some people on the other hand prefere something to 'grab hold of'... It isn't bigotry, it's a simple thing of attraction. You wouldn't eat something you didn't like, it might make you sick. Why settle on spending time with something that doesn't bring out the admiration from within you?



Ah the age old question "do looks matter?" I think they do. I think to say otherwise is hypocritical. However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have met some absolutely gorgeous male and female submissives and the first thing I want to do when they open their mouth is gag them. Might be nice for an afternoon but it would get boring after a while. That said, I do have certain physical criteria. But I've always said that it's not so much about the body you've been dealt but rather how you present and maintain yourself.

What is most important to me is that the person doesn't come across as a total submissive. Sounds weird, I know. But when someone comes to me and says "I'm a submissive and want to submit to you completely" I get the feeling that they already have in their mind and where is the challenge for me? I like when they come across strong, confident and speak my language (and I don't mean French! I mean that when we converse, we click). I prefer when they approach me on an intellectual level rather then a sexual level.

There are of course a few other criteria. They should have an optimistic yet realistic outlook on life balanced with some ambition. They should be stable in their career and finances (I don't mean rich, I mean have things under control and have a plan). They should have identified their major issues and be working towards dealing with them. They must be able to, or at least genuinely willing to learn to, communicate openly.

Geographical location is important as well. I have no desire to relocate and I won't let anyone relocate for me. So someone in my city is best. And yeah I might be overlooking some great people but I will not ever go through a long distance relationship ever again.

Yes I am quite demanding. I won't deny that. But I'm realistic in that I know that if I settle, I won't be happy.

- LA



slavewoman -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 8:26:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin


I can't answer in regards to finding a sub/slave but when I was searching for a Dominant I can tell you that the mental aspects were most important to me. As for the physical, while I would not expect perfection (as I am imperfect in many ways myself), there must be at least a strong attraction.


I agree with this. My interest in Master was based on his intelligence, values, honor, etc. I once asked why he chose to pursue a relationship with me, and his answer was much the same as above. What we, and he in particular, took a chance on was whether or not we would mesh in our BDSM interests and needs. Fortunately, for me and, I think he'd say for him, that has worked out.

It seems to me that the longer one waits to meet the prospective partner in person, the more the potential for fantasies to grow and, the higher the potential for disappointment.



darkinshadows -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 9:57:26 AM)

quote:

However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


That makes more sense in what I was trying to say. Thank You. I do not think my brain was working this morning when I wrote.... lol.

Thank You m'Lady A



thisjuicy1 -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 2:15:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

It is discouraging to meet someone and think, damned, they are perfect, only to find that they just are not what you pictured them like. So where do you draw the line?


I can't answer in regards to finding a sub/slave but when I was searching for a Dominant I can tell you that the mental aspects were most important to me. As for the physical, while I would not expect perfection (as I am imperfect in many ways myself), there must be at least a strong attraction.


i agree with you in part. The mental aspects are important to me as well. However, when i met my Dom, i had the same apprehension about physical attraction. Although He has many years of experience and much wisdom, i struggled with this issue for a few weeks. Another Dom friend of mine asked me one very important question when i asked Him for advice, "Why are you here? ..... If it's just for the sex, get out of the lifestyle." This was the best advice anyone could have given me. i finally decided that it would be an even greater act of submission to submit to Him.... to give up what i had always thought was so important. Now, i'm finding myself more and more attracted to my Dom each day. To have let this wonderful opportunity slip away just because the initial physical attraction was not there would have been a huge mistake.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 5:01:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel

quote:

However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


That makes more sense in what I was trying to say. Thank You. I do not think my brain was working this morning when I wrote.... lol.

Thank You m'Lady A


My pleasure. You owe me a rescue for when I post an absurdity, and that is so bound to happen ;)

- LA



ScooterTrash -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 8:42:28 PM)

Wow..so far great thoughts on this, from both perspectives on the "looks" part. I feel the biggest point made however was the "don't settle", I think I saw this in a couple posts and this would apply to any criteria one would set. I feel I may have been leaning that way, thinking maybe I was being too shallow and perhaps I should have simply settled..hmm. Verdict is still out but I am beginning to think that perhaps being picky isn't a bad thing, it may just make the search take a bit longer. Thanks for the input.



Gemeni -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/21/2005 8:57:42 PM)

I look for the same qualities I like in myself.

As far as physical attraction? That varies ,as long as a girl doesn't weigh more than *I* do.




LadyAngelika -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/22/2005 4:56:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash
I feel the biggest point made however was the "don't settle", I think I saw this in a couple posts and this would apply to any criteria one would set.


You see Scooter, when you settle, you don't have what you ultimately want. When you don't get what you ultimately want, there is a longing. When you long for something, you are unhappy. When you are unhappy, you can't be at your best and the relationship will suffer. About five years ago, I settled in a relationship. My partner felt it and it made him passive-aggressive and insecure.

Knowing what you want is not shallow. What is shallow is when you want something for the wrong reasons, i.e.: a trophy wife. Preferring skinny girls or bigger girls, short girls or tall girls, blondes or brunettes, a particular race, religion... those are criteria that simply attract you. As long as one doesn't go around and belittle people for not fitting in their criteria, then what is the problem? It's important to find language that doesn't make someone feel inferior or defensive. I have a criterion for high intellect. If I meet a boy and he's not so bright, I'm not going to tell him "Sorry you don't fit the bill because you have the IQ of a stump". I'll just say that I don't feel we have the right chemistry. No point in attacking him because he doesn't fit that criterion. If they ask me "why they aren't my type" I usually abstain, telling them that I don't feel it is my place to make a judgment about them as it's not about them changing for me but being themselves and attracting someone on that basis. And I truly believe that.

- LA



GentleLady -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/24/2005 5:36:10 AM)

What LadyAngelika said. Settling for something is never a good choice because you always know that the other person was not really what you wanted. It colours every interaction between you and usually results in both people being unhappy. I spent many years alone because I would not settle for less then what I needed and I count them as good years. Firstly because I was not unhappy during them, and secondly because I finally did meet someone worth waiting for.

It would have been horrible to have settled for someone during those years and THEN met the person who could make Me happy.

Gentle Lady



Harrison -> RE: Sub/Slave selection criteria (3/24/2005 6:51:35 AM)

quote:

You see Scooter, when you settle, you don't have what you ultimately want. When you don't get what you ultimately want, there is a longing. When you long for something, you are unhappy. When you are unhappy, you can't be at your best and the relationship will suffer.


I think this a powerful point....well made, LA.

Sometimes settling seems to be a better idea. Afterall, you think, you'd just give in a little bit, what could it hurt?

Well, it hurts a lot....much more than keeping your standards where you put them in the first place. I did this early in my life. I caught myself a trophy wife. Sure, she was a knockout...but, she was also "a man on top, standard petting, little touchy, no exploration" girl. She had no opinions, didn't like to discuss world events, hated being outdoors, and would never go camping unless there was an electric outlet for her curling iron nearby. It quickly became quite a chore to be with her because, as pretty as she was, everything else was wrong for me. We crashed and burned in less than 4 years.

Now, I know what I want in a sub and will not settle for less in those areas that are very important for my happiness.

On the other hand, I know what aspects I WILL settle on. I am attracted to brunettes. Other hair colors just don't make my heart skip. A squeekie, high pitched voice is an absolute "goodbye" for me, too. But, the rack size isn't critical. So this is an area (of many) that I will give in on.

So, I think you are absolutely right to go for what you want in a sub and settle for nothing less.

Harrison



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