What would you do if... (Full Version)

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scottjk -> What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:07:45 PM)

I was thinking about the idea of creating questions that reveal how people think, and how we use that method in choosing mates. I don't think I've really seen anyone discuss it here, so I thought I'd throw one out that kind of tells me about a person's thinking and how it fits in my philosophy regarding relationships.

The answer to the question would vary a great deal based on gender, but it might be the same across basic roles: top or bottom.

I'll try to keep the question gender and role neutral, but it would be interesting to see what the answers are based on gender and role. Here's the question:

Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?



LotusSong -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:09:10 PM)

quote:


Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?


First I let him put down his briefcase.. I make eye contact and if he looks like he could use a hug, I give him one.  I don't start talking about"his day" or mine. 
 
I make sure he has something to snack on while  he's de-compressing.  After a bit more time passes, I'll ask if there is anything else I can get for him.  I give it about half an hour and acknowledge his day without prying questions with "Looks like another day at the office".. then give him a sympathetic smile. 
 
I know.. I know.. it sounds pretty "subbish" ... but it's probably why I've been married 33 years.  I've learned when to speak and when not to.



SusanofO -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:16:07 PM)

Give them SPACE and fix them a soft drink, or coffee or and-or snack, and then I would be hoping they'd just try to relax. Maybe they'd want a nap, or just to read a newspaper or something.
I'd be nice, but just try to leave them alone (unless they wanted me to do something else, I guess).

Of course if they were angry enough to be abusive, that's a whole other ball of wax - but if they were really bummed out by something that happened at work or something, I'd just listen and try to be sympathetic. If they wanted to talk about it, even.

- Susan



hisannabelle -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:18:22 PM)

stay out of the way. make it clear that i'm there if He needs anything, but mostly just be quiet and listen if He chooses to rant, or otherwise just read a book until He decompresses. this is a pretty common scenario for us as His job is incredibly stressful (my life is very stressful, too, but His in different ways, and He snaps very easily when He's frustrated or stressed). 



azzmaster -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:20:15 PM)

i would take her to a nice sea food dinner, give her a bath and massage and listen to her complain till she fell asleep in my arms



ChainedExistence -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:24:59 PM)

I think it depends on your partner..some people like time alone to brood and settle themselves. They want you to keep your distance while they settle things out in their own mind. Other people like to be very social when they have had a bad day. They find that talking things over with someone who doesn't try to solve all their problems and simply listens is just the right response. Some people like to exercise or engage in a hobby to get their mind off the problems at hand, and  others may want you to problem solve with or for them. The best response is to know your partner and what type of personality they have, then you can give the most appropriate response.

I'm the chatty type, Master is more of the quiet time alone type...helps a lot to know this.



subfever -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:25:35 PM)

"Hi Honey... do you feel like going out for a drink tonight, or should we just stay in and kick back?"

Go with the flow.



kyraofMists -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 7:29:25 PM)

It depends on what he wants from me in that moment.  If he wants to vent, then I will listen.  If he wants to be left alone, then I will give him his space.  If he wants to have sex or play to release stress then that is what we do.  If he wants to cuddle and focus on something else... 

It all depends on what he wants from me and it can be any number of things and quite possibly one right after the other.  My challenge is to give him what he wants when he wants it and not when I want to give it.

Knight's kyra



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:17:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: scottjk
Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?

Gee that's exactly what happened tonight.

I greeted him at the door, let him put his stuff down and breath, kissed him, invited him to my bed where we laid and snuggled together and decompressed.  Then we decided what we felt up to and went into downtown Austin to celebrate a friends birthday over dinner, went to a fun bar and hung out for awhile where I encouraged him to get a chocolate martini which helped relax him, treat himself and he said was the best he's ever had.  Then we drove home and separately checking email.



proudsub -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:20:14 PM)

quote:

Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?


I'd give Him the remote and a snack then leave Him alone for a bit.[:o]



YourhandMyAss -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:24:33 PM)

It depends on what he wants, he usualy wants to let me know things are not great but he doesn't wish to talk about it, And then we talk about other things, and maybe, then if he wishes to,, he will tell me why things are not going to great I am sympathetic and then he feels better.



michaels4evr -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:27:33 PM)

ask Him if He'd like to take out his frustrations on my arse



mstrjx -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:36:45 PM)

Here.  Let me bollocks the whole thing up.

Nobody yet has mentioned 'how' they knew that their partner had had a bad day.  It was just assumed, and assumed that the partner didn't want to share.

If some of you read my rants close enough, you know I'm not a big people-person, but I do know how they think.  I could go for days without speaking, happily.  What I 'am', however, is a relationship person.  And a problem-solver.

I would confront my partner.  Get her to communicate.  Draw out the issues, and determine where her head needs to be concerning addressing and/or resolving the issues.  I don't like for people to hold too much in for any length of time.

Put the shoe on the other foot.  Let's say I'm the one with the bad day.  I'm a pretty big thinker, so by the time I came home I would have already mostly wrapped my head around it.  But I would take the opportunity to share with my partner not so much to expect her to resolve the issue (because I'm the problem solver) but at least to let me 'hear' myself to see if there is anything I missed myself.  If she can lend some additional insight, all the better.

Jeff



BabyNyla -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:44:30 PM)

I talk to Daddy all day throughout the day and he will always call or message me on his way home ... so when I know he's had a bad day or is in a bad mood I start cooking his favorite meal that way it's started by the time he gets home.  I throw on some *slut* lingerie and I kneel by the door waiting for him.  I don't speak or look at him until he makes the first move.  He usually asks me to get him a drink and a snack while he sits on the couch and plays with his laptop or watches some tv.  Then I stay in the kitchen tending to dinner while he cools off.  If he needs anything he asks and I get it.  When dinner's ready I bring it to him and sit by him just listening to him talk.  And sometimes he will chuck dinner aside and just put his head in my lap ... which I love ... or we'll hop in the shower together and just have fun :)



juliaoceania -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:45:23 PM)

quote:

Your partner comes home having had a miserable day, and is quite frustrated and/or angry. What would be  your response or what would you do?


Genuinely sympathize with him about this, depending on how bad the day was I might try to cheer him up by joking it off.. paying attention to cues from him if this was appropriate. Sometimes I am able to help with whatever went wrong so we can fix it. That actually happened today, he had a bad day and I have been looking for ways to correct what happened that went wrong.

The most important thing I have found is to be supportive, kind, understanding, and in our case a great sense of humor helps 99% of things that go wrong. The trick is what if both of you have a really rotten day? One time we were both very ill (I had a fever from the flu, and he was dehydrated and exhausted from teaching self defense in a strange city) and we got incredibly grumpy with each other... that is very rare though.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:48:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx
Nobody yet has mentioned 'how' they knew that their partner had had a bad day.  It was just assumed, and assumed that the partner didn't want to share.

Oh sorry, I'll explain.

We knew he would likely have a tough day because next week is a big deal for his corporation and they are doing tons of prep work for that and we already knew he'd be working this weekend.

We'd talked on the phone a few times during the day to check in and he'd let me know he was increasingly frustrated and not sure if he could get home at a reasonable hour or be free tonight.

He finally arrived home at 7- far later than normal and I asked after he put his stuff down how he was feeling and he said "tired and frustrated."

So there you go.  I wouldn't make the assumption- always ask directly.

To add- that's also why I invited him to my bed.  I left it totally open for him to go where he needed to go on his own right then but communicated that I was willing and open to snuggle and pamper for a bit if he wanted.



juliaoceania -> RE: What would you do if... (2/23/2007 8:50:47 PM)

quote:

Nobody yet has mentioned 'how' they knew that their partner had had a bad day.  It was just assumed, and assumed that the partner didn't want to share


Sometimes I can tell just by the sound of his voice and he is pretty open usually about talking it out. If he does not feel like it I try to leave it alone



mp072004 -> RE: What would you do if... (2/24/2007 8:18:28 AM)

Agreed, mstrjx. I do not, in fact, have a responsibility to comfort my partner if he has not asked for it. If he hasn't even informed me that he's had a bad day, I'm not bound to guess, and I am certainly not obliged to fix it. If he informs me of a bad day, I'm obliged to express sympathy, "I'm sorry your day was difficult," but I certainly am not responsible for making him feel better.

Not only am I not responsible for making him feel better, I've observed that unsolicited petting and fawning over my partner seem to make him dwell on the worry or upset more. So when I've observed that he's had a bad day, I don't generally address it. I am a little more vigilant and encouraging about keeping up with the evening's routine, particularly reminding him to work out, which doesn't always improve his mood, but certainly improves his health. If he's engaging in bothersome behavior, like being impatient with the dog, I attack the specific behavior, not the root problem--in other words, I don't say, "You're yelling at the dog, did you have a bad day?" Rather, I say, "You're being unduly impatient with the dog, please don't do that."

When we do discuss his bad days, it's usually to the end of fixing a problem. He'll express what made his day bad, or an ongoing complaint about work, and I'll provide direct advice or Socratic-method advice (i.e. asking questions to get the other person to reflect and reach an intelligent conclusion). It doesn't seem effective to complain or hear complaints if it's not to the end of problem-solving.

We don't deal with my bad days much. This is likely because I return from work substantially earlier than he does, and by the time he's gotten home I've gotten over the little day-to-day irritations.

Monica



Quivver -> RE: What would you do if... (2/24/2007 8:21:53 AM)

Ask if there was anything he'd like me to do.  



KatyLied -> RE: What would you do if... (2/24/2007 8:23:39 AM)

I would react in this order:
A little bit of sympathy, "I hate sucky days."  "Can I fix you a drink?"
Then I would give him wide berth while he relaxes and adjusts to home life.




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