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LadyAngelika -> RE: How do I get over being too nice as a domme (3/21/2005 3:53:35 PM)
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Kittywithklaws,
I get what you are saying 100%. First and foremost however, I think the myth that Dommes have to be bitches in order to be real Dommes needs to just be debunked. We can be kind and loving, yet in a stern way. That is where my tag line iron hand in a velvet glove comes from.
On the other hand, many elements of play come from dynamics that involve giving someone pain, discomfort, chores, (play) punishment, etc. Even when training someone to do something, you can’t just give in the minute you see a little strain on his or her face. All of this requires you to find it in yourself to be tough, perhaps a little heartless, right? Not so nice and kind and lenient...
I get it. I’m genuinely a nice person too. I’ve got this blue-eyed blonde angelic thing going on and so many think I’m just a sweet girl. Ha! It’s all a ruse!
I found however that it didn’t only have to do with getting over a “nice” part of me in order to get to the more deviant dynamics I was craving. The problem lay deeper then that. The fact is that even though I had these desires to do wickedly cruel things to the objects of my desires, I found I didn’t have a premise to do them. My submissive and I would get along just fine and there was no need for punishment. For me, there was nothing exciting about just picking up a cane and whacking. It had to have a deeper, psychological impact then that. There was a need for a little foreplay to set the situation up. There was a need to have a conflict present in order to justify my cruelties, not that I felt I needed to justify them… it’s a hard concept to put into words. But I think you might know what I’m talking about Kittywithklaws.
So here are a few techniques that helped me create a situation of conflict that enabled me to let my cruel side out.
Predicament bondage: the premise of predicament bondage is to create a conflict of desires for your submissive, putting them between a rock and a hard place essentially. What the predicament is, is up to you. But the goal is that whichever direction the submissive moves in has consequences. These can be either physical or psychological. What I like about this type of bondage is that the premise can be to test endurance, thresholds, etc. As a Domme, I love seeing what new and wicked scenarios I can come up with next. Some of the things I have done is bind my boy’s cock and balls with rope, then get him on his knees, back straight, and then bring the rope up and tie his hands behind his back. I make sure there is a very good tension. He is then ordered to lean forward and service me orally. His conflict becomes wanting to obey me and please me (and do something he absolutely adores doing) and enduring the pain in bound genitals which got pulled when he leaned forward. Sometimes I would back up a bit so he'd have to lean in further, causing more tension in the rope. It's amazing how easy it is to let out our inner bitch in these situations! That is one very basic example. If you ever get a chance to see a Midori workshop (her website http://www.beautybound.com/) or read some of her writings, she has a whole bunch of other examples. She isn’t the only expert on this.
Role-playing: Ok. I’m the first to admit that role-playing can be uber cheesy at times. But then again, I’ve found that if I take on a role that isn’t too much of a stretch for me and it doesn’t include going to the local costume shop, I can actually get into it. The purpose of this is to create a situation in which there would be a conflict between you and your submissive. A naughty schoolboy who needs discipline? Lady boss and male secretary? Prisoner of war? Puppy training? You obviously got to do something that turns you on. But it can set a premise of conflict.
Rewards & Punishment: Short of turning your boy into a circus animal, you can give him tasks to perform and either reward him for a job well done or punish him if he fails. One of the first challenges I cooked up was to get a boy to walk on all fours from one end of the hall to the other with a glass of water in the small of his back. If he spilled the glass, he would get punished. If he got to the end, he would get a reward, such as kissing my feet.
Humiliation play: This is something I’ve gotten into more and more recently. Humiliation play is so much more then name calling. It is about getting into someone’s head and messing with it, all the while knowing what is going too far. I’ll post a scenario that I posted in another thread as I found it to be a very successful instance of humiliation play. I played with a man who today is a successful entrepreneur in the technology industry and probably could have any woman he wanted (well at least from the gold digging batch). But when he was in high school, he was a nerd. When he tried talking to popular girls or walked by them, they would mock him. A few weeks after he confided this to me, I waited for him to arrive wearing a schoolgirl outfit (it’s not just for sub girls anymore!) and you should have seen his eyes when he walked in the door. I told him he better get this stupid tutoring session over with quickly because I had better things to do then hang out with a loser like him. Well… let’s say it was a very intense afternoon. I tapped into a very vulnerable spot for him which evoked a whole bunch of emotions and make it *very* real. You have to be careful with these games, especially if you are dealing with someone who was heavily traumatized.
I encourage you to explore other things that might help you create this conflict dynamic that will help you harness your inner bitch. It’s nice to let her out and play at times. Don’t forget the sweet side that your boyfriend fell for though ;)
Oh, and welcome to the boards :)
- Lady Angelika
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