Fear of taking things to Real Life

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Fear of taking things to Real Life

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Fear of taking things to Real Life

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 1:32:48 PM

tsk1964

Posts: 20
Joined: 6/21/2004
Status: offline

I might be the only one that has ever had this problem. I'm really not sure, but after reading though the forums today I thought this was as good a place as any to get some feedback from others. I have had a few opportunities to take my desire to submit to the next level, that being real life. It seems like I can not get past my fear. I'm not sure if it is due to my shy nature or body image issues or a combination of the two. I was just wondering if anyone has had similar problems and if or how they were able to overcome the issue.

I do feel that submission is a part of who I am but question it based on this fear.

HELP

Post #: 1

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 1:58:23 PM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards--there are some great people here who are willing to help.

I understand that fear. Fear of the unknown. I would say to find the man first, build trust before you ever play with him. That would help with your fear. Also, go out and attend munches. Get to know the folks in your area. You do not have to play in public at all if you are not comfortable with that. Meet some sister subs who will help you get involved. Just a few ideas. Good luck.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 2

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 5:32:44 PM

Interesdom

Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline

I quite agree with sweetpleaser. Take yourself in a vanilla way into real life around BDSM folk of all persuasions. Get used to being around them and this can help you build up confidence with individuals as well as support and advice from people who are real to you.

THEN think about submitting in real life - in a few months, a year, or as long as it takes.

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 3

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 5:43:53 PM

slave4mzpatti

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline

After 2 long Term relationships I found the Internet and left everything behind and moved in as a live in sub. I am now in a permanent live in situation as an owned sub and am very happy for the most part. But I can tell you it is much like any other LTR in as much as there are as many different situations as there are different people. I was lucky and moved in with three different couples in about three months and found a wonderful home where I am truly loved by my owners.
You may want to take things a little more slowly because as I said I was lucky.
Slave4MzPatti

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 4

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 5:59:14 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

It seems like I can not get past my fear. I'm not sure if it is due to my shy nature or body image issues or a combination of the two. I was just wondering if anyone has had similar problems and if or how they were able to overcome the issue.

I think this is a very common problem. The following threads might help you with the body image issues:

body image

does your body image affect play?

And here is an excellent thread for your first meeting with a potential dom:

first meeting guidelines

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 5

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 6:45:19 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpleaser

Welcome to the boards--there are some great people here who are willing to help.

I understand that fear. Fear of the unknown. I would say to find the man first, build trust before you ever play with him. That would help with your fear. Also, go out and attend munches. Get to know the folks in your area. You do not have to play in public at all if you are not comfortable with that. Meet some sister subs who will help you get involved. Just a few ideas. Good luck.

I agree with sweet, but seeing as though you are a straight male, I would suggest it might be easier on you to find a domme lady first ;)

When I meet boys who have never played before, I usually bring them to public events and introduce them to a bunch of people. Though they contacted me first because I seem to be approachable, they usually end up with someone better suited to them then me. So don't be afraid to make friends first. It can be scary at first, like anything else in life.

And welcome to the boards :)

- Lady Angelika

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to sweetpleaser)

Post #: 6

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/21/2005 8:31:56 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsk1964
I might be the only one that has ever had this problem.

Welcome! I think everyone has similar problems at one time or another. I attended a sub forum tonight and we discussed needs vs wants. Well guess what? Sometimes needs are in conflict with each other.

The forum was held in the third largest city in the state, it was announced a month, then a week, then a day in advance. Six people attended. I asked why more people didn't attend the forum, if there is a need for community. Several people pointed out that for some people the need for security outweighs the need for community. And of course there are very legimate security concerns with being outted if you have children or an intolerant workplace.

Maybe what you are feeling is similar - you have the need to explore D/s but you also have some security concers.... will you be rejected because of your body..... will you be considered 'unacceptable' by the group.

I agree that going to munches, bar meets and similar public events might be just the thing for you to resolve those concerns. They are ususally vanilla affairs, low key, low stress. I think you will find that people are very accepting, even warm. And people in the scene are very very diverse in their bodies.

I want to reassure you that it will be fine. But you will need to experience this for yourself to resolve your concerns.

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 7

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/22/2005 12:21:31 AM

wetrope

Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline

Its not easy to take the plunge into real life, and this has different meanings for everyone. Some like me are into bdsm when the sun goes down, but in the daytime ud never know. Except that my sub has to comply with ongoing instructions everyday, like no panties, sometimes at work she has to go and change her clothes, ofter she has to do some voyegeur things for me, sometimes she has to add a clamp for the afternoon, or just sit in her office and play with herself. Others live it day in and day out, they provide a 24/7 lifestyle. Neither is right or wrong, but u just have to be comfortable with what u can handle. But u have to get out behind that keyboard, of course with proper precautions like a safety call and a first meeting of coffee or dinner alone, before u begin to session.

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to onceburned)

Post #: 8

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/22/2005 4:38:35 AM

SweetJaney

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/16/2005
Status: offline

I felt the same way at one time and agree with all the excellent advice others have suggested here in this thread.Take it slow,attend munches, which are low stress and a great starting place.You'll be fine.

Janey

(in reply to wetrope)

Post #: 9

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/22/2005 7:08:19 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

quote:

seeing as though you are a straight male, I would suggest it might be easier on you to find a domme lady first ;)

oops, sorry, should've looked at your profile first, blushes.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 10

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/22/2005 2:16:09 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I'd agree with the couple of people whom said go to munches.
A munch is nothing more than a vanilla type group of friends who meet once a month
in a regular restaurant and chat.
The only difference is you don't have to get to know a person to know they like some sort of kink as one of their hobbies.
After running a BDSM group for several year's now I've had my share of new people coming into the scene.
I've watched people literally tear up napkin after napkin, but then again they are there.
As the munch goes on and the napkins deplete they usually feel a bit more comfortable.
Start talking to other's rather than listening. Next month you see them again with renewed confidence. Usually the following they are already for the party.
Even at parties you should not have to do anything but be a spectator. Ask for the rules first. I have known some to put rules on everyone coming through the door's. You must play with me types.
Basically just talk and ask millions of questions. There actually are some of us out here who do not mind answering them.
A tip for your first munch. E-mail the host prior and let them know you are new and scared. They will look out for you and intro you around.

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 11

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/24/2005 10:04:21 PM

tsk1964

Posts: 20
Joined: 6/21/2004
Status: offline

Thank you one and all for taking the time to respond to my post. All of your input is very helpful and food for thought for me. I appreciate the advice very much.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 12

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/27/2005 5:26:56 PM

smile2cu

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/21/2004
From: Dayton, OH
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire
I'd agree with the couple of people whom said go to munches.
A munch is nothing more than a vanilla type group of friends who meet once a month in a regular restaurant and chat.

I attended my first local Munch, and it was great. They meet weekly at a regular resaurant. I admit I was a little hesitant about going up to a group of strangers and asking "Excuse me, I'm looking for a munch group." But there they were, and didn't look any different than vanilla people.
Conversation was very comfortable. I met a very nice woman who was a big help. Thanks SJ.

The nice thing was that I could choose whether I wanted the conversation to be vanilla or go deeper. Turns out they're a bunch of Perv's. I fit right in!

They even had some nice suggestions about getting into real time safely, such as a safe-call.

And as good a definition of what I am as I've heard: I'm "Service Oriented."
Well, Yes I Am!

I never worry too much about labels. But the one comforting thing about labels is that a group doesn't get a label for only one person. So I must not be alone. I'll wear the label proudly.

Looks like a nice group of people, and diverse. Looked like Doms, subs, males, females, cds. Some collared, some not. Everyone friendly.

Anyone looking for Real Life, this has my highest recommendation as a place to start.

_____________________________

Friendly, kind, cheerful, and oral.

~smile~

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 13

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/28/2005 4:52:04 PM

LittleMissSub

Posts: 46
Joined: 2/23/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps this warrants it's own thread, but what do people get from online Dom or subs? I've never had one, and don't think I ever will have an online Dom. I just don't see the point. Many have tried Domming me online and I usually just laugh at it. I just can't get into it. All of my experience has been in real life. Sure I've talked to people online and emailed and whatnot, but it was just conversation, not a real relationship, or a collar or anything of signifigance. And yeah I've met a couple people through online stuff - but never after months of intense "sessioning" through a webcam or other methods.

I know for some this is the only way to do things, because geographically it won't work any other way, but in the end....someone's gotta make the move. Maybe I'm just not willing to make that kind of emotional investment in something before I see who's really at the other end...I dunno....who's got some thoughts on this for me?

(in reply to smile2cu)

Post #: 14

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/28/2005 5:00:34 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps this warrants it's own thread, but what do people get from online Dom or subs? I've never had one, and don't think I ever will have an online Dom. I just don't see the point. Many have tried Domming me online and I usually just laugh at it. I just can't get into it.

Little Sub,
This just means you have your head together. You can research and learn on-line. You can contact people and groups that would be difficult to do so by any other means on-line. You can determine that a person interests you by what your learn from them from on-line posts or chats. You can begin to establish or loss trust in people from how they represent themselves on-line. But a relationship, or more precise, submission and dominance is not possible exclusively on-line. Laughing at the attempt is healthy.

(in reply to LittleMissSub)

Post #: 15

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/28/2005 5:12:06 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps this warrants it's own thread, but what do people get from online Dom or subs?

There have been several threads on this topic, and varying opinions, here are a few:

online D/s

to all with an online sub

serving online

online relationships

can one truly submit online

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to LittleMissSub)

Post #: 16

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 3/31/2005 2:18:45 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I've encountered quite a few submissives that have this same fear, though the reasons for it vary from one individual to the next. In two recent cases, one girl had gone through a bad break up with her previous dom, and had also had several personal trauma's to deal with. Emotionally it left her very fragile and timid, which was different from her usual spitfire self. Sadly things did not work out. In the second case the girl is new to the lifestyle and still has many questions and fears about what will happen to her, how it will change her life. That's a pretty normal and healthy fear that I'm sure she'll overcome with time and experience.

As a dominant, I've found that one of the things I can do to help alleviate such fears is to be very clear and upfront about who I am, what I want and what kind of relationship I want. Its important that I communicated effectively what I want, where I would take the relationship, how far I would go with things, how much I would expect of her, etc. Doing so helps her to understand and decide for herself whether or not its something she can handle.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 17

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 4/4/2005 3:16:36 PM

pandoravampire

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline

i empathise completely with the fear of taking things to real life for the first time.

currently, im with someone i met on line, then chatted to on the phone and emailed also. But it still did not stem my fear of the first time meeting to play. I was shaking, my teeth chattered, my guts churned. But also, i was excited to be doing what id yearned to do for so long.

i think the suggestions above are a really good. but that first play session is going to be one you will never forget. Its like losing your virginity all over again! Only this time, probably more enjoyable

.

negotiating what form the play will take helped me overcome my fear, it was going to be really tame, just gently easing me onto a path of submission. I could safe word out at any moment, and did. Then, once settled and reassured, we continued in the play session.
Now six months down the line, we have very fond memories of our first time together.
Never have i been so pushed limit wise than that first session, as everything was unknown.
On line is NOTHING like real life. What i was confident to type, was not what i was comfortable to do.

There are many Dom/mes who enjoy someones first time. Its a truly special gift that you offer, chose well who you give it to first time round. Other subs in a munch will be able to tell you who may well be suited for this experience and who to avoid. Just imagine its vanilla, same rules, same consideration of this being your first time. Seek evidence in someones behaviour that they will go careful and at your pace. You will be pushed perhaps futher this one time than ever again, because of overcoming your fear. No need to be pushing your limits at all.

Sex does not have to enter the first experience of submission, though it often does. But that is your choice.

Good luck, be safe, be happy, be satisfied
pandoravampire

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 18

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 4/5/2005 2:47:50 PM

piratefish13

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline

Well, you're not alone. I am currently in much the same dilema. Part of it is a trust issue, part is shyness and body image for me. I am trying to get past this by looking for someone I can be truly comfortable with, it seems like a good first step. Hope all goes well.
piratefish

(in reply to tsk1964)

Post #: 19

RE: Fear of taking things to Real Life - 4/7/2005 12:46:16 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

Hiya. I'm new here as well. I learned about submission three years before I could really meet anyone. All I could do was make online friends and learn from them as well as other resources. I met a lot of idiots and a lot of super kind people. It was probably a good thing for me really, because it forced me to slow down.

I'd like to give you something consoling but when I went RL with my first Dominant it was extremely scary. I sucked it up though and it ended up being a very fufilling experience for both of us. Many of the things we want are the things that scare us the most. So just think of it as really really really wanting something

You were talking about body image as well. I was terrified that someone would see my picture and think I had the cutest face ever. Then we'd meet RL and they would be disgusted by my body. Or something equally silly. If you want to allay these fears, take a couple of body shots, then you will know someone's opinion before meeting them RL.

If you are shy, look for someone who isn't. I'm painfully shy and I have met the ocassional Dom that can draw my thoughts out before I realize I'm telling them my innermost thoughts.

It's amazing what the right partner can do to you.

(in reply to piratefish13)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Fear of taking things to Real Life

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094