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Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:14:00 AM   
FiestyFi


Posts: 13
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		Hi,

Just wanted to post here how easy and quickly someone can fall from their pedestal. Family, friends,lovers they are all the same. I suppose it was my fault for expecting too much.

To think I thought there was 'something' there, on some level, on some connection. All that was there was one sided, someone taking but never giving. Something I never thought I could say about them. I guess I've just been played the fool.

It hurts that this is what they think of me. It hurts that they saw me as a fool. It hurts that I didn't see what was happening. It hurts that I had such high regard for someone to be let down in this way. It hurts that for once someone came so close to pushing down my barriers, yet they didn't even know or realise it!

Is this what being a submissive is all about? constantly let down, constantly played as a fool, constantly hurt.

Seriously questioning my whole beliefs about this lifestyle..

FiestyFi
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:18:42 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Honey, I wouldn't worry a whole lot about it.  Yeah, it hurts, but it always hurts.  It's no different as a sub as it is a woman scorned (or whatever).  For whatever reason, people (subs, doms, whatever) seem to thinks that this "lifestyle" has some sort of magic attached to it.  We're all just people....some good, some bad, mostly just human.

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:24:13 AM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		I think anyone who is passionate tends to get hurt by projecting expectations and desires on new relationships. Certainly don't imagine that any beliefs you have about the lifestyle are binding on others before they've shown they believe the same things, and have earned your trust.

It doesn't make it hurt any less, I know, but don't punish the next guy or girl just because the last one wasn't what you'd hoped. Cautious optimism is what it's all about

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:27:11 AM   
ITGirl68


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm sorry - it sounds like you are hurting. That does happen here, too. Sometimes more easily, because the intensity of DS relationships requires such honesty and openness of us all (dominant or submissive). This world is not always emotional pain and feelings of betrayed trust - you felt the potential of what it can be. I hope you won't give up on exploring this aspect of yourself - and that you won't give up on yourself. It doesn't sound as if you were - or are - a fool, at all. Good luck.

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:30:53 AM   
BrownEyedSub84


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline 		We are all human no matter if we are submissive or Dom. No matter what kinda of realtionship you are engaged in that can happen. Some people look for the ones that they can hurt and use while others look for quality. Dont give up and question your beliefs because someone did you wrong. Take it as a lesson and know what to look for in future relationships. Is this what being a submissive is all about? constantly let down, constantly played as a fool, constantly hurt. No being a  submissive isnt always that but there are alot of fakes and players out there who just feel like they can use submissives than throw them away. But for every fake there is somebody real, somebody who will nuture you and make you feel like -i cant think of a better analogy sorry- princess who found her prince. Dont let one idiot make you bitter because that would be letting him win and not everybody is like that. Regroup and take what you learned to become wiser in your search.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:30:55 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		I always seem to hurt my toes as I try to kick some blocks out from under her pedestal..We all rise and fall from time to time a part of life...bounty

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to ITGirl68)
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RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:33:22 AM   
mynded


Posts: 137
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Honey, I wouldn't worry a whole lot about it.  Yeah, it hurts, but it always hurts.  It's no different as a sub as it is a woman scorned (or whatever).  For whatever reason, people (subs, doms, whatever) seem to thinks that this "lifestyle" has some sort of magic attached to it.  We're all just people....some good, some bad, mostly just human.


What?? No magic? Darn...Good post.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:34:04 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have felt these feelings in the past. I may feel them in the future, but I doubt I will allow myself to think of it in those terms again. Let me explain below:

If someone lets me down and shows themselves not worthy of my respect I stop caring what they think of me. If they are unworthy of my esteem, they can think me a fool or whatever else they like, I really do not care... they do not measure up, so excuse my language, but fuck them. I have been cheated on in the past, lied to, and led on, and I just got to this place where I could care less what people that act like this think of me. Their opinion has no value.

Since I began looking at the world this way it helps me in knowing no matter who comes into my life, no matter the relationship (friend or otherwise) that their opinion does not matter an inth of what mine does in the end. I am not a fool, I am honest and kind, if they shit on me, well shame on them. That is their character that is flawed, not mine.

I am not saying I am invincible, if I were cut in that way in my relationship I would bleed like a stuck pig, because the more given the more the pain.... what I am saying is that I will never second guess my value because someone else could not see it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:37:39 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Relationships are not that much different here than they are in the vanila world.  So many people seem to think that as a sub or a Dom, there is going to be a difference in how things play themselves out.  Really, the relationship still needs work, and it doesnt always go the way you plan it. It is still the interaction between two people, even if that interaction is governed by slightly different rules of conduct.
It has nothing to do with being submissive, it has to do with being emotionaly invested. For one reason or another, those emotional investments do not always pay off.  I am watching 8 months worth of progress slowly disolve in front of my eyes because school adn work dont permit for the time necessary to keep things going. In your case, you may have been a bad match. It happens. To doubt the lifestyle becasue of a few bad pairings is like taking yourself out of the dating pool becasue of a few bad meetings. Remember what hapened this time, and try and avoid it next time. Know what to look for and what made you happy and unhappy and keep them in mind.
The search for the right partner is exhausting and frusterating.  You dont always get it right on the first, or even the hundred and first try.  Eventualy, you wil meet the right one.  And when you do, the whole search will have been worth it.
Until then, keep your head up.  This is not the worst thing in the world. Like any other breakup, wait until you are ready and head back into the fray.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to ITGirl68)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:58:32 AM   
BDSM05478


Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		As someone that use to suffer from excessive "pride", when ever I thought I had been taken advantage of I would imagine the offender sitting around smuggly thinking how superior they were to make me open and vulnerable. I came to the realization I was giving them to much credit for that, most people that just take and never give don't do it in malice, they can be equally as jerkish in a relationship with another taker, I was no exception to their rule. They were always what they were, it was just I that gave them the benefit of being more like me than they truly were. But then again, I also use to be one of those people that was out to "fix" people and rescue them from themselves; which doesn't work either. If we know that there are different species w/ in the same genus in all the animal kingdom, why would we think that humans are different? 

< Message edited by BDSM05478 -- 2/25/2007 10:59:40 AM >

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 10:59:08 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Hmm yes, Ds or Ms will not cure anything- it is what you make of it.

You say that the problem was you building expectations too high too fast, and since that's an extremely common problem around here, I'll go with that.

But I'm more concerned about this as a repeated process.  You even say that friends and family do this.  Have you been trained in your life to reach a certain point and have things crash down?  Could you be repeating that process in your relationships because it's the only way you've known?

We could all be played for a fool at some point, and we'll ALL be hurt by our partner at some point, because we were nearly all raised by parents who had barely a rudimentary idea of what living life was all about, nearly no idea of how on earth to teach it to a brand new person, and the rest was taken care of by life trauma and our coping mechanisms which rose from what- we've all got baggage, and eventually it's going to get checked by a partner.

The key is to know the baggage, to know the pattern and to avoid it.  Sure we can all be hurt, but 98% of what could hurt us is knowable BEFORE it happens if we take the time to look for it. 

I know that pain is pain and words won't much help, though you've been given geat ones here.  But in time really look and see what your patterns are in life and how YOU can learn to control them and not allow yourself to be so consistently caught in the web of disappointment.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:02:41 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Is this what being a submissive is all about? constantly let down, constantly played as a fool, constantly hurt.

Seriously questioning my whole beliefs about this lifestyle..

FiestyFi



NO.. that is not what submission is all about.



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:07:20 AM   
BDSM05478


Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

- we've all got baggage, and eventually it's going to get checked by a partner.



That is an awesome statement.

Edited to add: after reading your profile; I'd make a suggestion to get involved in your local scene or hang around here to get some info. Might help with that introspection.

< Message edited by BDSM05478 -- 2/25/2007 11:12:54 AM >

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:07:34 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi
Seriously questioning my whole beliefs about this lifestyle..

FiestyFi

One could say this is a repeat of the pattern in your life- you raised your expectations about "the lifestyle" too high too fast, got burned and disillusioned and now are questioning the whole thing and whether you should just get rid of it.

The answer is to build REALISTIC expectations based on experience over time.  I can't say exactly why you keep building expectations too high too fast (though I could take a few guesses), but I think you're at the point where you realize this process is NOT serving you to find your fulfillment of yourself and you need to start trying a different path.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:09:38 AM   
FiestyFi


Posts: 13
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for all your wonderful replies. Your words of widom have really helped me.

I guess today is a big fat blue day. Just gets to a point of having what your giving to someone, thrown back in your face really hurts.

Why do people hold out their hand in some form of acceptance only to snatch it away again.

Maybe I do have a pattern, who's to know. At least I can gain some experience and comfort from people who have learnt this lesson too.

I think I should change my attitude, and become more the fiesty fi I know and love.

FiestyFi -----funny that!

xx

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:14:50 AM   
porthuronsub


Posts: 339
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline 		I know the hurt you are going through.  The wonderful thing about time is that the hurt will fade away and with each day you will get stronger.  It sounds like you give yourself 100% to a relationship.  Your heart your soul, everything.  That is a very good trait to have, unfortunately it is one that will cause alot of pain when the relationship goes astray. 
Be strong and the right person will come along that admires you for you and will give back to you equally.  I know this is true because a person like that has finally come into my life.
Good luck and take care! 

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:19:35 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		No, it's what growing up is all about.
 
It's right up there with finding out Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy don't exist.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:31:18 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi
Maybe I do have a pattern, who's to know.

You are, and you need to if you want to stop being on the roller coaster. 

quote:

I think I should change my attitude, and become more the fiesty fi I know and love.

I think you should just be where you are, and if that's in pain, then go with that pain and see where it comes from, why it's there, what it means, and what you can do differently next time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:36:09 AM   
MistressDoMe


Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Thank you for all your wonderful replies. Your words of widom have really helped me.

I guess today is a big fat blue day. Just gets to a point of having what your giving to someone, thrown back in your face really hurts.

Why do people hold out their hand in some form of acceptance only to snatch it away again.

Maybe I do have a pattern, who's to know. At least I can gain some experience and comfort from people who have learnt this lesson too.

I think I should change my attitude, and become more the fiesty fi I know and love.

FiestyFi -----funny that!

I think you have found your answer, and let me add that at 25 you are very young.
In the future, don't give so much so quickly.  If someone can't take the time to move
slowly, then you don't need them in your life.
Good luck.
xx

(in reply to FiestyFi)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Falling from their pedestal... - 2/25/2007 11:42:53 AM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps it might be helpful to know you aren't the first or the last person to question their submission due to a failed relationship. I would guess that most of us have been there at some point. There is no easy way through it, no quick fix. You have to take time to grieve first, then when things settle a bit, you can re-examine what got you there in the first place. The wisest thing anyone ever said to me about relationships was that some of them are simply not meant to last, and even the bad ones have lessons to teach you. The trick is how to use what you've learned without overwhelming the next guy with all your baggage. Master had a lot of walls to get through by the time I met him. But I will tell you this...when the right person comes along (It took YEARS for me), then all these past relationships will dim in significance. Love freely given is never a waste, and maybe he will have learned something from you. That might be giving him more credit than he is due, but never criticise yourself for caring.Best of luck, and take some time to pamper yourself before jumping right back into a search for someone new. Sometimes when you aren't looking and trying so hard, that will be the moment when things fall into place.

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 2/25/2007 11:43:59 AM >

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 20
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