WhiplashSmile
Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
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OK everybody, I'm going to be brutally honest how BDSM has helped me. How it's made me a better person, and helped my embrace both sides of my ying/yang wheel.
I was sexually and mentally abused by the neighbor boy, when I was 4-6 years of age. I could share some shit with you which no child in this world should suffer through. I had the death threats, the threats to kill my dog, my family and all kinds of pure fucking evil.. I say pure evil, because one time this happen in the basement of the community church. I was not safe in my back yard, not safe at school nor church.
Next thing, I knew we moved from rural Upstate Western New York, to Mobile, Alabama. To live a different kind of abuse, which was being hated for being a Yankee. The other kids which wanted a Piece of me.
A couple of things to say here, this is why I am driven to be in control and be a Dom. The reasons should be obvious as day to you, by now.
I also had to excerise a great deal of self control at times... because when I snapped as a kid and got into fights... I did so with all the sincerity of fucking up the other person hardcore.. to the point that scared others at times.. when I snapped, I snapped.. and it even scared me at times.. after I calmed down. I found myself always thinking about Sadistic ways to beat or exert pain on my enemies. Thank God, I never killed anybody. I did cause some other harm, such as breaking a collar bone, broke one arm, from being in the middle of a fight... It made me more self aware of the damage and pain, I could inflict... and I did not want to be in trouble with the School system as well. So, I learned out to temper myself. But that was just temperence, an excerise of self control and realization of my accountability for my own actions.. I did not find my punishment for getting into fights pleasent at all... Again, not liking it when somebody is in control.. So verbal skills kicked in more so.... and evolution of using logic and smart ass remarks... I still to this day am this way! Which is another story...
Now, also because of the sexual nature of things from being raped and used... I had fantasies of using girls in a similar manner... Fantasies which I would think of... Thank God I never acted upon these fantasies... and that I learned temperence and self control. Still so many dark thoughts at times, it was not funny... In time I was not getting in so many fights and the Red Neck were more accepting of my Yankee statue Que.. all over a damn war, I had nothing to do with... Anyways, I had developed a high tolerence for pain as a child... Easy enough to do when you have 5-6 others taking you down to the ground like a pack of hungry wolves... Whew...
By the time I was 13 years old, I was playing little red neck games such as eat the peg.. where you take turns holding your hands closed down on the ground.. and having somebody throw a knife as close as they can get without hitting your hands. If you move you get to pull the wooden peg out of the ground with your teeth, if they hit you, then they do... Kind of a twisted game of truth of dare... needless to say... blood was drawn from time to time... where the point of the knife would stick... hahahaah... kind of an early S&M game shared by guys in the hood!! LOL...
Then there's the Girl Next Door, she was a beautiful tom boy type, which we did a lot of things together. We used to play games together and do things like draw on each other.. Slowly our play became a little more intense... We both got into doing magic tricks.. and along with that came things such as ropes... escape tricks and whatnot... then there was the bullwhip which was laying in the garage.. Amazing how you can find things laying around the house to play with... when you are playing role playing games.. Her and I used to wrestle a lot... and whew... Thank God for the universal neighborhood safe word called "Timeout"... I have many stories about the girl next door... Even the day, when she spotted me in the backyard.. and came walking over to show me the kewl design she had pricked out in her arm with a Needle! It was like a tatoo and I wanted one too.. Her and I used to do this type to things with one another... Two wicked minds grinding the same kinds of gears... Her and I had moments of getting too carried away!! Limits!! But she was my best friend and we'd take time to talk and communication with one another... that's what best friends are for... Still I had to temper myself at times, from dark fantasies.. and It helped to share what was going on inside my brain with her...
Whew... I need to somehow speed this up... Anyways, long story short over the years... BDSM, has allowed me to better relate to what happened to me. I step inside the role of being the rapest, in a safe and sane matter... To comprehend it all, and act it out... It's also helped me realize the need of those which want to be used as such... for whatever reasons they have... Again, in a sane and safe consentual manner... It's helped me sort out a lot of darkness and anger.. To get a grip... It's also giving me a higher understanding that both Dom/mes and Sub a like are drawn to this lifestyle for a variety of reasons...
I feel that I have a better sense of myself, my self esteem, and it's allowed me to value and embrace the good and evil inside of me. To find the good from the bad... I will admit that for the longest time, I had very dark fantasies of finding the guy which did what he did to me as a child.. and torture him slowly!! For years, that had been my deepest fantasy!! Very Sadistic thoughts!!! BDSM, has tempered all this in me... I hardly even think about doing this to him now, and I'm not so pissed and angry over it all anymore.... Whew.....
I have never raped anybody for real, and I could never do that because of what I went through.. I could never be sadistic towards somebody who is not asking for it...
Ok, now that I typed out all this, I'm making my post for what it's worth to anybody...
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