elsie
Posts: 28
Joined: 10/21/2004
Status: offline
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Hello to all,
I don't normally do this but recently I've been having some self doubts and questions that have manifested in some, for me, disturbing, dreams and wish to seek some serious advice or views from others.
I'm afraid the preface to my question may be lengthy so please bear with me.
I was collared to my Mistress as a slave for almost a full year after a long "probationary" period. She had always treated me fairly and lovingly and never promised anything that could not be delivered or if had to be delayed, I was given ample notice to readjust my expectations.
Now I can't and won't go into all the dynamics of our relationship with each other and others but will do the best I can to convey my conumdrum.
Firstly, Mistress and I lived far enough apart from each other it took a little planning for us to get together physically, so when we would talk about getting together Mistress would lay out a proposed scene or request for me (either a play date or work date) so that I didn't have to bring excess items with me when we got together.
She/we had been looking for a male slave to serve herself and me if the occasion arose. One week we had made plans to get together and she told me some of what she had planned for me. I was very excited and as I prepared to take the drive to meet with her was getting into that space I always do when knowing I was getting to be with her.
Now a little bit of background for myself, I had been undergoing medical treatment that, at times gave me some strong mood swings though normally I was able to hide any negative ones as obvious. Also Mistress always encouraged me to express myself and let her know how I was feeling about things, good or bad.
On this occasion, I arrived as ordered and entered the dungeon where Mistress was and greeted her as usual when she informed she wasn't feeling well so she had to change plans as far as playing. Although somewhat disappointed I was happy just being able to spend the time with her talking and being close.
Unbeknownst to myself and well within her right as my owner she had also had her male probationary slave come shortly after I arrived. Again I was disappointed as I had not had the oppurtunity to be with her alone for some time but I accepted this as her wish. Anyway after spending some time talking it was time to leave and head back home. I have to admit that I was very disappointed in the way things turned out and at one point realized I was jealous because of the attention she was giving to "s" (male slave).
When I got home I sent her an e-mail expressing my disappointment, looking back I realize that some of the things I said could and should have been said differently but in the end I was expressing my feelings as she always encouraged me to do.
A few days later we found out that her illness was actually the result of a potentially life-threatening virus that required a very long hospital stay and surgery. I was not allowed to visit her in the hospital which I did understand at the time.
Once she was released and at home again, I recieved an e-mail from her telling me at length that due to the severity of her illness she was releasing me but she also told me that my last email to her after our last meeting was completely inappropriate, selfish and that she and I weren't on the same page as far as my submission to her was concerned.
She asked me to keep her updated on my own treatments and things going on in my life (I had just become a new grandmother) and that when she was able to, she would write back but not to expect regular communication from her side.
Over the following months I sent several e-mails, asking how she was doing, giving her updates and doing what I thought she had asked of me. I have not heard one single thing from her but I know she still gets online as she has made a post or two to another message group we both belong to and has communicated with at least one mutual friend on at least one occasion that I know of. All I need or want is a simple e-mail letting me know how she is or telling me she would rather I not try to contact her any longer, I feel left in the lurch with so many questions.
My recent dream reflects this .... I don't remember all the details but the short version of this is ... I am outside a very tall building, I climb up from the outside to the 8th floor where I look into a window and see Mistress along with several others (that I really know) and she if giving a demo or teaching a bondage lesson. I tap on the window and she sends me away. I climb back down the building and a little later climb back up to the same window and ask to be let in ... she flatly refuses me entrance at this point I wake up ... feeling confused, hurt and my self-esteem feels at a very low point.
My question is, should I continue to try to contact her or should I just let it drop and realize that if she chooses to contact me she will (I know this is what I would tell someone else in the same situation) and just "get over it" OR should I keep sending her the "updates" as she asked me to even though I'm getting no response from her?
Your input on this would be greatly appreciated.
thank you,
elsie
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Some advice please - 
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