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MadRabbit -> RE: level of respect (3/2/2007 9:15:53 AM)
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Its a sign of respect. Nothing more. It has little to do with whether someone is submissive or dominant either. When I call my mentor type figure and friend, I refer to him as "Sir" because I have deep respect for him. He also refers to me as Sir because of his respect for me. We both identify as dominants. Neither of us get pissed off when the other one doesnt call us "Sir". There is unspoken rules about using the word "Sir" to refer to the more experienced, regardless of whether you are a novice dom or sub, just like their is unspoken rules about refering to people by their title awarded to them by the community.
But these unspoken rules only have precedence in a community and outside of that, there is no established social structure. In my opinion, the only time, as a submissive, that you SHOULD refer to dominants as "Sir" is if the dominant you have chosen to submit to requires it or if you want to. Your a free and equal human being who doesnt owe anyone anything until you decide to enter a relationship with them. People who seem to think that just because they self proclaimed themselves a dominant, they deserve a certain amount of special treatment from EVERYONE they meet, REALLY urk the shit out of me. Its one of the major symptons of "Top's Disease".
It boils down to simply respect at the end. The people who refer to me as "Sir" do so because they respect me and that respect has very little to do with my label as a dominant. I can be respectful without using the words "Sir" or "Ma'am" just like I can be nice without using special words or be mean without using special words or be sad without using special words. Its a state of being, more like a mood. I NEVER refer to my father as "Sir" and he knows perfectly well when I am respectful and not respectful. We have a very layed back, man to man relationship and he would look at me really funny if I started using my new found leather etiquette. A girl I talk to on occasion over the phone never uses the word "Sir" in reference to me, but the respect is very clearly there simply in the way she talks to me. Because of that, I am honored more than I would be from a silly requirement to have her call me that.
However, I guess some dominants prefer to demand to be refered to by terms of respect without actually being respected. I guess they like to be payed from their jobs in fake money as well. Either way, anyone who gets all twisted up over not being called "Sir" is usually a person I dont want to socialize with.
As far as history, people have talked about it being cultural, but as far as BDSM, a lot of the whole "Sir/Ma'am" thing comes from leather communites. Of course, mainstream BDSM has taken it and blown it way out of proportion and made it this huge deal...which, in my opinion, it really isnt (the Leatherfolk I have met dont seem to think so either. They are more concerned with respect). I was never raised culturally to refer to people as Sir or Ma'am, but its something I have adopted since socializing with people who are Leatherfolk as it does have some bearing in thier sub-culture.
Joeseph Bean talks about how this a bit in his essay "Old Guard : A History of Leather Traditions"
"An important part of what was seen as "going too far" was the parodying of by-then traditional values by behaving "within" the forms without having learned the meaning of the gestures and modes involved. Example: When I hear someone in the new form try to use the word "Sir," my skin sometimes crawls. The word is not a name or a noun and, in my world, cannot be used as if it were. It is a title, a deference, a display of respect, and can only replace a name in direct conversation with the respected party. The new form likes the word, feels the charge in it and, apparently, mistakes the charge for the substance. "You’ll call me ‘sir,’" results today in the boy speaking of "my Sir" and doing things because "Sir said to." It’s bad English and a broken descendant of the original use of the word. I could give a dozen similar examples, but they will only insult and irritate people. Why would I want to do that?"
http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/docs/old_guard.htm
http://www.vanilla-not.com/reallife/oldguard.html
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