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Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 2/28/2007 8:29:07 PM

novicecourtesan

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

Hello all...

I was wondering what are the essential (or perhaps simply personal) questions that subs ask prospective doms. This is aside from generic dating safety issues (gainfully employed, address, no anger issues, generally respectful, etc). and apart from servicing particular kinks (as listed in profiles). This is with the understanding that this will be an intimate real-time relationship. What questions do you always ask? What questions do you wish you had asked?

thanks....!

Post #: 1

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 2/28/2007 8:54:35 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Do they have children

Have they been married

Are they educated and where did they go to school, what did they study

What political affiliation are they

Are they into sports and what kind

Are they anal retentive

What kind of diet do they eat?

How active are they?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 2

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 2/28/2007 9:01:00 PM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

how do they resolve conflict?
why/how/how long ago did their last relationship end?
what makes them happy?

just a few that came to mind. but ultimately, how you and they communicate is the most telling gauge of success.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 3

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 2/28/2007 9:02:57 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Same things you do in a vanilla relationship.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2173/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#2173
What do you ask?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_122762/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#122762
negotiation

http://www.collarchat.com/m_151960/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#151960
questions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_137841/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#137841
getting to know a new dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131518/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#131518
allowed to ask questions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_241888/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#241888
questions to ask potential dom

http://www.collarchat.com/m_399121/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#399121
questions for potential doms

http://www.collarchat.com/m_397609/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#397609
bit of a question...on questions

http://www.collarchat.com/m_518169/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#518169
what to ask

http://www.collarchat.com/m_542207/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#542207
questions to ask a potential mistress

http://www.collarchat.com/m_719243/mpage_1/key_questions%252Cask/tm.htm#719243
when finding a dom/master

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 4

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 2/28/2007 9:19:04 PM

nissa

Posts: 125
Joined: 2/28/2007
From: Carson City Nevada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

Hello all...

I was wondering what are the essential (or perhaps simply personal) questions that subs ask prospective doms. This is aside from generic dating safety issues (gainfully employed, address, no anger issues, generally respectful, etc). and apart from servicing particular kinks (as listed in profiles). This is with the understanding that this will be an intimate real-time relationship. What questions do you always ask? What questions do you wish you had asked?

thanks....!

I ask the same questions that I would ask any guy I was thinking about dating. Questions about family, work, hobbies, dislikes, likes, etc etc. Then, I take the time that is needed to learn all the really important things like; can I trust him, is he loyal, is he nice, friendly, what is he like in a bad mood, in a good mood...it goes on and on.

It's no different than any other relationship you may be contemplating.

_____________________________

nissa

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 5

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 5:56:34 AM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

Do you have children or plan to have any?
Do you have pets?
What do you do for a living?
Where do you live (house, apt, etc)?
Have you ever been married?
What is your religion?
What are your political beliefs?
What hobbies do you have and how time consuming are they?
Do you have a criminal record and do you mind if I run your criminal history?
Do you believe in abortion?
What is your opinion on gay rights?
Are you monogamous?
Do you prefer to travel or to spend time at home?
How affectionate are you?
How often do you call/contact a girl you are involved with? How many hours, on average, do you spend with her per day?

Those are all basic things I like to find out up front.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to nissa)

Post #: 6

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 7:20:33 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

What they expect from you should you choose to enter into a relationship with them. We all have ideas of what our "perfect" relationship entails, but your potential dominant may have a completely different idea..... even though you may be in sync everywhere else, this could be an issue.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 7

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 7:21:17 AM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

i ask how They feel about Their mother.
if He doesnt get along with, or has no respect for, His mother how can He respect me?
do They like animals? children?
if He is inpatient or mean to animals and children, then how can He be kind to me, another creature that depends on Him?
and when/if i get the chance, i ask His family what kind of Person THEY think He is.
if His family doesnt have many good things to say about Him, then i run.

_____________________________

378-828-272

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 7:28:22 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

"What happens if I get pregnant?" is a good one.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 9

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 7:31:50 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Since I am cut, my thoughts would be you should begin searching for the father.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 7:37:49 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

I don't walk into any conversation with a list of questions in my mind. I'm not structured like that. If there is a natural connection then the conversation flows and things get answered over time. It's not a job interview.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 11

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 8:48:43 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger

i ask how They feel about Their mother.
if He doesnt get along with, or has no respect for, His mother how can He respect me?

While I would no doubt 'fail' on many of the questions that some of you have posed (which I would find pointless), this is the one that for me requires the most derision.

My last vanilla relationship, 1989-1991, was with a woman I was married to. I used to regale her with untold numbers of stories with how awful a person I considered my mother to be. Naturally (!?!?!?) she thought I must be exaggerating.

The first time she met my parents (probably the only time) we drove 8 hours from my home to theirs. This was before we got married. The whole way up the stories continued. We were supposed to stay for 3 or 4 days.

We made it one night.

The entire way back all my fiancee could do was apologize to me and tell me that she would NEVER doubt another word I ever spoke.

So, the moral of the story is that my mother was a miserable c*nt who really needed to die a good 10 years before she finally did just to give me a little piece of mind.

You, you I love and you will always be treated the best.

That's all you should ever need to know.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 12

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 10:13:59 AM

novicecourtesan

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

this is a great list, thanks everyone....

about d/s specifically--apart from listing what your kinks are, how do you decide whether you're compatible on a d/s as well as a vanilla level. I know--there are lots of amorphous things, like physical chemistry or particular qualities of the people involved, or timing. Again--if you don't have some specific questions and like to play it by ear, this may not apply to you. But then again, maybe there are commonalities in the things you've asked or tried to find out about before, in your past relationships. But since domination and submission means so many different things to different people, my guess is that the best way to approach this is to find out about the nature of past d/s relationships, and what their fantasy or idealized d/s relationships would be. Thoughts?

many thanks......

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 13

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 10:16:26 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan
about d/s specifically--apart from listing what your kinks are, how do you decide whether you're compatible on a d/s as well as a vanilla level.

The same way you find out you're compatible with anything- lots of talking, lots of what if and what do you think about questions, and a bit of time and experience together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 14

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 10:23:00 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

this is a great list, thanks everyone....

about d/s specifically--apart from listing what your kinks are, how do you decide whether you're compatible on a d/s as well as a vanilla level. I know--there are lots of amorphous things, like physical chemistry or particular qualities of the people involved, or timing. Again--if you don't have some specific questions and like to play it by ear, this may not apply to you. But then again, maybe there are commonalities in the things you've asked or tried to find out about before, in your past relationships. But since domination and submission means so many different things to different people, my guess is that the best way to approach this is to find out about the nature of past d/s relationships, and what their fantasy or idealized d/s relationships would be. Thoughts?

many thanks......

I do not like dominants that describe themselves as strict. I did ask if they saw themselves as strict.

I did not want a dominant that was cold, and I watched for signs of coldness.

I wanted a generous dominant (with affection and attention), and I asked about these things.

I wanted a dominant that would not be afraid of sadism, and this was rather important to me. I think of this as more than a kink, it is a spiritual thing for me almost, and if a dominant was unwilling to go there I was not willing to be theirs. I know you specified "not about kinks", but basically it was one of the first things I determined about a dom I was talking with because I had talked to a couple of doms that were really nice and I was attracted to them.. but they were not sadistic and said they would do it for me... I did not want someone that would beat me because "I" wanted it.. I wanted a synergy with it.

I tried to determine whether they were into micromanagement because I was not into that.

I also did not want someone that put BDSM above D/s. In other words I was looking for a 24-7 dynamic and not role playing.. many doms want this to remain behind closed doors and cannot imagine how domination can be accomplished no matter where we are or even when we are not in the same room. I wanted someone that could see that it was an undercurrent of the relationship. I cannot split myself that way, and I did not want someone who could not envision how we can always be who we are even when we are in a crowded room.

Edited to add, I found what I wanted, and something extra, I was not looking for a Daddy Dom when I found mine... that was an added bonus...

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 3/1/2007 10:25:57 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 15

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 10:24:07 AM

novicecourtesan

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

I forgot to say to LuckyAlbatross...I will look into those threads later, many thanks as usual!!!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 10:40:39 AM

myobedience

Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

Hello all...

I was wondering what are the essential (or perhaps simply personal) questions that subs ask prospective doms. This is aside from generic dating safety issues (gainfully employed, address, no anger issues, generally respectful, etc). and apart from servicing particular kinks (as listed in profiles). This is with the understanding that this will be an intimate real-time relationship. What questions do you always ask? What questions do you wish you had asked?

thanks....!

Personally, I have never been approached the way Sir approached me. It was refreshing. I put up the same profile I did here and on 2 other sites. The other sites give someone a chance to respond to the blog/journal. It also let you know who has viewed the blog and how often.
I noticed this one visitor often. After several weeks, he responded to my thoughts on the blog. I liked his thoughts. He then wrote me a brief letter of introduction saying he was watching. At that point I hid within my profile my personal email address.
I wanted someone to not only be aware that my profile was extremely open and honest but also very accurate. So if in reading my blog anyone would compare my profile to the words on the blog, hopefully they would see the me I was open to share publically.
I also wanted to know if anyone would go back to the profile and re-read it, finding the addition.
He did all the above. When he wrote me he started by telling me he was interested but correspondence would only prove more interest. He never demanded a response to his emails. Just said, "If you'd like to respond I welcome it."
In my responses, I also asked questions.
He then would respond and ask questions, always probing deeper. Taking the level of correspondence where he wanted. One day he simply stated, Are you asking all the questions you need to?
From basic philosophy to each other to our everyday life and finally to more intimate things.... correspondence continued, and Yes i had all the answers to the questions I so far needed and wanted.
I have never been afraid to ask anything...even to know what brand of cigs he smoked.
I personally think that the approach and the introduction will set the tone for any type of questions and information obtained or given. Essential questions for me became just listening and responding with my thoughts.
His essential questions were answered honestly and openly and thus I found myself reciprocating.

If I were a bottom looking for exploration and play... got my list already and its all ready :))

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 17

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 10:58:39 AM

TrueCalling

Posts: 97
Joined: 1/28/2005
Status: offline

I have two questions I always ask... I ask him what he feels is his best quality, what is the one thing he would want a person to know about him. I specify it not be D/s-bdsm related. You'll get some interesting responses. I also ask him what, were he coming for dinner, would he request i make for a meal? This is more out of curiosity than anything. If someone were to say scrapple or human organs, I'd have to consider communicating any further!!

On a more serious note, I ask what and how he envisions a day in life ....Oh, heck! At some point do ask a person what long-term goals/plans they have. Relocating, retiring, taking a job overseas, etc...anything one considers a major life change..

Thoughtfully,
colleen

< Message edited by TrueCalling -- 3/1/2007 10:59:52 AM >

(in reply to novicecourtesan)

Post #: 18

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 12:03:14 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

i like all the questions that have been posted, and i would definitely ask about political beliefs, eating habits, lifestyle, past marriages, children, etc. in terms of vanilla questions, i'd treat it pretty much like i would were i in the vanilla dating world.

in terms of d/s, i would inquire about their views of the submissive's role and the dominant's role, what they want to get out of the relationship, i think the ideal d/s relationship question is a good one, too :) i'd also ask about things like their views of punishment and discipline and how they approach those, etc. discussing control of finances, social interaction, and things like that is also really important. like julia said, it's really important to distinguish whether you want the same things out of d/s...if he is into bedroom kink and you're into 24/7, that causes problems.

(in reply to TrueCalling)

Post #: 19

RE: Communication 101 for Newbie Subs - 3/1/2007 12:26:14 PM

DistantThunder

Posts: 48
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline

NoviceCourtesan,

First, great questions and the fact that you are ASKING questions is a fantastic beginning.

Second, bear in mind that what you are looking for and what you find should, as has been mentioned by others here, be the same things that you are looking for in ANY relationship. Here is a guideline I share with a lot of submissives that have asked this same question... (I get asked a lot of questions... just... yeah...)

If you dislike the man, you will HATE the dominant. Now, I am going to step out on a limb here and assume that somewhere in your mind you have an image of sorts of what you would like to see not necessarily in a Dominant, but rather in a man... or a woman... didn't look at the profile, just following the thread. With THIS image in mind, apply that to the image you have of what you want out of this... community. Another guideline I ask all submissives to keep in mind (I have a lot of guidelines) is to always remember there is a fine line between someone who is Dominant and someone who is simply DOMINEERING... This works the same way in the kink community as it does in the vanilla world. First, can you discuss things that have NOTHING to do with BDSM? Do you read the same books, like the same movies, the same music... the basics. Now, step that up a notch and compare sensual delights i.e. do you share the same kinks... more or less. If the answer is no, that does not immediately can a candidate, but requires compromise on both parts. If I were to say, "If he doesn't like chocolate and you do, dump him..." It would seem ridiculous, so simply play with ideas and see if the basics and the kinks coincide.

Other than this, does the person make you laugh, do that make you feel special? I have known couples that had to work for a long time before they found what they BOTH needed from the relationship before they fell into stride together. Remember, this is NOT a cookie cutter process, so don't put yourself in a place where what you think is good is outside the norm of what others tell you... after all... each person on this chatline enjoys a bit of the spank and tickle, so ALL of us are outside the norm.

Most importantly BE SAFE... other than that, play the moment, see where it goes and trust your instincts and if you have specific questions.. just ask. That is how all of us stay safe.

Dazvidanya
D.T.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 20

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