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Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 11:36:27 AM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		Earlier today, I went to my little brother's grave to see if it needed straightening up and ended up sobbing there for almost 2 hours. Now I'm physically exhausted, behind on my chores, and left with the usual hateful tangle of emotions. Despair and anger, guilt and longing.

As happy as I am with exploring and discovering all this, I guess sometimes I feel I'd give it all up just to have my boy back. Like I have no right to be happy right now, because he's gone, and a part of me left with him forever. Then the guilt hits again: How can I be feeling this way? Over and over.

Bereavement is such a paradox. I want it to be over with, I want to rewind time, I want to stop the clock and keep mourning forever. My owner supports me as much as he's able, but he feels helpless, because this is something I need to just get through on my own. and he's grieving, too, since my brother and him were very close. I just don't feel very slavey right now, and it's irrational to make myself guilty over it, but there it is.

My question is.. has any slave/sub been hit with stuff beyond your control that overwhelmed you for a time? How did you manage to deal with it?

God, I just want my brother back. Everything else has frozen in place, lol.


Cheers,
Stella


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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 11:39:41 AM   
nissa


Posts: 125
Joined: 2/28/2007
From: Carson City Nevada
Status: offline 		I wish I could offer you words that would take the pain away; but I can't. I do however understand. Grief is so powerful an emotion that it has the ability to take over one's whole outlook on life. The only remedy is time; one day at a time, one grief stricken moment at a time. My heart goes out to you.

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nissa

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 11:41:31 AM   
SilentHunter


Posts: 149
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline 		My slave lost her father recently, and for a while the D/s side slipped, it had to, you can't expect to enforce a rule when a close family relative has passed, just ask for a little time ,to try and get passed the stage, it will never leave you, it just gets a little manageable each day.

SH

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 11:47:14 AM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		I had to deal with losing my Master last year. And let me tell you, it was not easy.

While i did not have to grieve alone, no one understood our relationship, so it certainly felt i was grieving alone.

For a few days i wallowed in self-pity and despair. Then i woke up one day, and was tired of it. I literally picked myself up one day, and moved on.  That doesn't mean i've forgotten about Him; far from it. It just means i've learned you can't let despair and grief run your life.

The grieving process is different for everyone. I hope you find some peace of mind.

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 11:48:11 AM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry for not knowing, but how long has it been? Grief is a process and as such will have natural ups and downs. I was only 4 when my brother died, so that i don't remember, except for the way it shaped the rest of my life because of my parents reactions. I lost my husband in 2000 unexpectedly eventhough he had been ill for some time. I found that after a few months i felt "normal" most of the time, but the crushing pain would hit my chest now and then for no apparent reason and it physically hurt. You need to let yourself hurt. Over time the hurt will be less deep and overwhelming. You might consider grief counseling as well. It wasn't for me, but i had alot of outside support.

It's silly to tell you it's ok to let yourself have fun and feel good. Of course your brother would have wanted you to, but if you're not ready to feel that way yet, it's ok. Eventually you will be able to. In the meantime, big hugs!!!

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 11:53:03 AM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

Sorry for not knowing, but how long has it been? Grief is a process and as such will have natural ups and downs. I was only 4 when my brother died, so that i don't remember, except for the way it shaped the rest of my life because of my parents reactions. I lost my husband in 2000 unexpectedly eventhough he had been ill for some time. I found that after a few months i felt "normal" most of the time, but the crushing pain would hit my chest now and then for no apparent reason and it physically hurt. You need to let yourself hurt. Over time the hurt will be less deep and overwhelming. You might consider grief counseling as well. It wasn't for me, but i had alot of outside support.

It's silly to tell you it's ok to let yourself have fun and feel good. Of course your brother would have wanted you to, but if you're not ready to feel that way yet, it's ok. Eventually you will be able to. In the meantime, big hugs!!!



He died on November 26th, only 19. It's hard to believe it's been 3 months, lol. It was very sudden.. he died in his sleep and the autopsy showed nothing conclusive.
I'm in grief counseling, and she said the same thing: it's a process. Objectively, I know all this, but sometimes, god...you know?
Thanks for the sweet responses, folks. =)

Stella

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 1:05:53 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Grief crosses all lines. No matter who you are or the role you are in, I highly recommend a grief counselor, especially if it's been two years.

I'm sorry for your loss. There is a reason I don't visit graves of loved ones.

Master Fire


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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 1:24:10 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		Fast Reply because its directed to everyone:

MasterFireMaam is absolutely correct in her statement that grief crosses all lines -- it certainly is not less felt by dominant types than subs, nor by women over men.  But MFM is wrong (a rarity) to the extent her last line about not visiting graves is taken as advice. Because everyone grieves differently, there really is no universal advice you can give.  There are shared components in how we grieve, but how we "work it out" (or don't work it out) varies from person to person.   For some, regular visits to the gravesite might be the perfect healing step; for MFM it apparently opens up too raw a wound.  There are no universals, and advice focusing on what you "should" do or "shouldn't" do is rarely helpful. 

What does seem to be helpful is "what worked for me" information -- you can develop a menu of how people dealt with grief and grieving, and pick what works for you.  I lost my little brother about two and a half years ago.  About nine months ago I lost a very close friend in a gruesome, highly public and completely unsolved murder.  His widow is my closest friend outside my family and my girl.  My grief process, and my family's and my friend's grieving, have all taught me quite a bit.

One thing that has worked for me is reading, and rereading, an astounding book:  The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.  I'm not going to review it here -- there are a ton of online commentaries about this simple book.  It is her personal narrative of the death of her husband and her grieving process.  It contains empirical data that helped me understand what I was going through (like how come you can be totally engaged and "normal" one moment, and then have a massive wave of sadness engulf you without warning) and there is also totally subjective narration.  The book helped me a great deal.  It is, surprisingly, not a "downer" at all -- some friends have said it is in some ways a perfect love story.  Even if you aren't grieving, I recommend it.

Best,

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
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Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 2:22:39 PM   
freyjasdottir


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/29/2006
From: PA
Status: offline 		I feel for you and am 4 years, going on 5, since my brother was killed on a job site at.  I was with my ex at the time and he was no help so I cannot completely relate but I do know the feelings you are going through.  Last night at work my cousin and I were talking and even know sometimes it takes a few minutes to click that he is gone.  She'll start listing the males in the family and get to hit and *oh sh*t* or I'll say my brother is allergic to something, but he isn't any longer.  It takes time, and for everyone that amount of time is different and the grief will change from crying yourself sick, to just utter sadness, to melancholy, to something else that I have not reached yet myself.  There is a book out called  "Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies"
by T. J. Wray.  There is also a website by the other adultsiblinggrief.com that you may like to visit, I know I did for the first year or so.   My thoughts are with you.

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 3:01:56 PM   
ServenteMail


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline 		>My question is.. has any slave/sub been hit with stuff beyond your control that overwhelmed you for a time? How did you manage to deal with it?

My old owners would beat any emmotion out of me. You need to be an even nlowe

Yeah I was overcome with things beond my control. Embezzlement by my ex causing busineses failings from that an IRS audit & divorce and of course prison when money ran out to pay allimony and child . While owne by the couple that got me out of prison if I dared every complain or show emotion they would beat the liven fucking shit out of me. Your owner should do the same to you. lucjkinly the son died so child support became non existant - with the 2 yrs prison and no income and my owner/lawyers argued that alimnony and cs was impossible and keeping me in jail would not gain any funds but actually cost the state of Virginia money - I paid my dues I guess the judge thought.

Traded and sold twice privaytelly and a few more times from CM till i had no cash value and too old for any purpose and now unowned I seem to have only one emotion that needs to be beaten out of me - Enjoyment at the misery and suffering of others. Rumior has it the states wsill be gonig to Iran soon. Should be a nice slaughter house.

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 4:39:03 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ServenteMail

>My question is.. has any slave/sub been hit with stuff beyond your control that overwhelmed you for a time? How did you manage to deal with it?

My old owners would beat any emmotion out of me. You need to be an even nlowe

Yeah I was overcome with things beond my control. Embezzlement by my ex causing busineses failings from that an IRS audit & divorce and of course prison when money ran out to pay allimony and child . While owne by the couple that got me out of prison if I dared every complain or show emotion they would beat the liven fucking shit out of me. Your owner should do the same to you. lucjkinly the son died so child support became non existant - with the 2 yrs prison and no income and my owner/lawyers argued that alimnony and cs was impossible and keeping me in jail would not gain any funds but actually cost the state of Virginia money - I paid my dues I guess the judge thought.

Traded and sold twice privaytelly and a few more times from CM till i had no cash value and too old for any purpose and now unowned I seem to have only one emotion that needs to be beaten out of me - Enjoyment at the misery and suffering of others. Rumior has it the states wsill be gonig to Iran soon. Should be a nice slaughter house.



Was this supposed to be helpful? *Blinks*


Stella, the best advice I can give to you is to ignore this and investigate a grief councilor. I wish you all the best.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 4:50:53 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		hi Stella,
your post on your brother brought tears to my eyes.  I lost my baby brother 3 years ago, this Nov. 14th...for me, the first year was the absolute worst.  I couldn't even get through a conversation about him without bursting into tears.  every time I thought I was done crying, I found out, I wasn't.  most of the time, now, I can pretty much deal, but every now and then...it still gets me down.  the pain doesn't go away, but it does get easier...I promise. 

you need to give yourself permission to grieve, and accept the fact that we are all human beings, and that there is no weakness in grief, sadness and despair.  they are at the core of our humanity, just like any other emotion.  if despair, anger, guilt and longing are part of your process, then respect yourself and let them happen.

at first, I was going to send this to you via pm, but then I realized, if it can help you, perhaps it can help someone else.  if you want to send me a message on the other side, feel free.

big hugs from me.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/2/2007 9:04:48 PM   
petstorm


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes you just have to take a step back and pause. Even though life can't stop, and the clock can't be turned back, it certainly sounds like you need to take a break and allow yourself time to grieve. Given any possibility of circumstances, a person can only do so much.

i think we all have things happen in our lives that turn our worlds upside down. You have to just take it day by day, and tell yourself it's ok to be hurt, or angry, or guilty... or whatever other emotion comes crashing down on you. It can be quite a roller coaster. But you also have to tell yourself that your little brother would never want you to give up your happiness because he was gone.

i know my spiritual beliefs may mean nothing to you, but for what it's worth... i think that when someone leaves us, their spirit stays behind to be a part of us. You said that a part of you died with him. From my perspective, a part of him is still living through you. And that part of him wants you to keep living, and to find the happiness that you deserve.

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 3:51:36 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Like you Stella I went to my little brothers grave today and cleaned it up and spent time there talking to him and feeling closer to him. He died 7 years ago so I have had a long time to accept his death unexpected and heartbreaking as it was.  The tears have lessened but the pain and loss is still there.  In the early stages I had particular friends and family whom I felt 'safe' talking to about my grief, they let me cry and didn't try to stop me. It is natural to miss him, it is early days for you so I am not surprised that you feel overwhelmed at times ... your love for your brother shines through.  I am pasting a copy of a poem that we included in my brothers funeral - I am not sure who wrote it. Do not feel guilt for your emotions and love.

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not for long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that once we shared
Miss me, but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all part of the master plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go the friends we know.
Laugh at all the things we used to do
Miss me, but let me go.

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 4:26:39 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline 		Oh how very sad 
 
i probably can't say anything better than what most here have said....time....counselling....they might sound cliché but i guess there is no magic answer. 
 
Sometimes i think it's even tougher when a death is sudden like that.....no closure.....no chance to say things that afterward you wished you had had the chance to say. 
 
i am normally a jovial type of person but when my father was on his deathbed, it just somehow felt 'wrong' to be laughing and joking while he was dying.  But as someone else mentioned....he would have wanted me to get on with life and not mourn him to some debilitating extent...so i always kept that in mind.  It helped (a little).
 
i am wondering....have you considered anti depressants?  i only ask because i know they have helped others in situations such as yours (on a temporary basis anyway). 
 
And one last thought....sometimes you will see couples who lose a child and end up splitting up because they just couldn't pull it back together again afterward.  With both grieving, there was really no strength to be found in the other person....and they slowly grew apart.  In addition to their grief, each was consumed with their own guilt.....the despair.....what have you.  i really just mention this as something to be watchful of as you say both you and your partner are simultaneously grieving.
 
Best wishes to you.  You are in my prayers.
 
Daddysgirl

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 7:49:12 AM   
nyrisa


Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		I lost my brother on Thanksgiving. He was my sister's husband, but a brother to me, because he was an integral part of our family for 35 years. It was unbelievable how much it hurt us all. I guess we thought he would always be part of our lives. The best thing I can offer is this: there will be days when you feel "normal", and days when the pain just engulfs you. Both are normal. When the pain hits hard, just accept this as part of the normal process of healing, and recognize that it is a tribute to your brother, that he was loved so much. I can't think of anything that would be sadder, than for someone to leave the earth, and have no one left behind who cared. I believe he was a lucky young man, to have been so loved.

On the other hand, your life must still go forward; you must do the daily grind of work, or tasks, or bill paying, all the mundane stuff that does not stop just because our world has been rocked to the core. So you still must take care of yourself, so you can keep functioning. Tend to your health, keep a healthy diet, sleep at normal schedule as much as possible. And when you need help, or need a kind word of encouragement, DO NOT hesitate to ask. Let the people who care about you know when you need them, and know that they will be glad to know that you are there for them, too.

And, the pain does lessen over time. Not the missing of him, but you will once again be able to remember the happy times with him, without the pain. Do not be hesitant to accept happiness when it comes to you, because you know he would rejoice to know that you are well and whole.

All my prayers to you and yours. *smiles*

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 9:02:46 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite

My question is.. has any slave/sub been hit with stuff beyond your control that overwhelmed you for a time? How did you manage to deal with it?



Daddy knows in vague details about my oldest UM's traumatic accident (was hit by a commuter train engine, long story but she survived) however i have yet to tell him all the details. it's not that i don't trust Him as Daddy but He's also a doctor by profession and i'm not comfortable talking to Him like one of His patients. i know i cannot keep all these feelings and pain of not being there to protect her when the accident happen (after nearly 7yrs i still blame myself for not taking the day off from work as i promised) and i have yet to see the actually accident site even though i pass whenever visiting my mother's place.

all this and more consumes my time yet i don't let it consume me - i try to stay busy and not think about Wednesday 26 July 2000 however i do treat that date every year since as a special day to spend with my oldest alone. i do this because i know it's harder on me than her (since she doesn't remember much) dealing with the memory of where i was 12:55p, what i was doing when i received the phone call and everything else that happened next.  i'm a member of a TBI (traumatic brain injured) parent support group which helps sometimes to take my mind off things and learn about new services/treatments. my oldest recently decided to talk about the accident and regularly sees a psychiatrist.

one day, i'll "sit" on Daddy's couch and let all my feelings out about this accident and i know i'm treating it like a fuzzy, security blanket however i'm not ready to go into details how my world changed that day.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 3/3/2007 9:03:32 AM >

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 9:53:48 AM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hello. =)

Thank you all, for your really sympathetic replies. They do help, in that they bring home the reality that grief is so universal and spares nobody. It's very comforting to know that there are compassionate people out there, even if they don't know you personally.

Isn't it bittersweet that pain and sadness brings out the best in people? I spent all last evening in deep reflection. About life, priorities, what kind of legacy I wanted to leave in the world. My brother was one of the kindest young men I've ever known. and it occured to me that the only real thing we leave behind is our love, how we treat people.

I'm still struggling to make sense of it all, but everybody's replies lifted the curtain for a bit. It kinda gives me hope, lol

Sincerely, Stella

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 1:46:51 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite
Isn't it bittersweet that pain and sadness brings out the best in people? I spent all last evening in deep reflection. About life, priorities, what kind of legacy I wanted to leave in the world. My brother was one of the kindest young men I've ever known. and it occured to me that the only real thing we leave behind is our love, how we treat people.



Hi Stella,

I highlighted what I found to be most important.  I know all too well about grief, in that I lost five family members (including my Dad) and a dear friend in the last year & a half.  In addition to that, a nephew keeps trying to off himself, my ex is being cruel, I had some medical issues and now my Mom called me this morning with a scary diagnosis.

My Master has been my rock, and as traumas seem to keep hitting my family & I, he is the main reason I have not given up the fight.

But what I have learned in this past year is how much LOVE there is.  It is simply beautiful.  Despite so much despair, my feet have not touched the ground, as I am carried through by the love of friends, family, and my Master.  I am compelled to keep moving forward, and to be strong, and to be happy.  And this is why there should be no guilt for feeling happy.  Internal happiness means love abides, and that should be celebrated.  The love you feel for your brother, and the love he returned to you - you will feel that forever.  It should be celebrated.  He may be gone, but his love remains.  The love of your friends and family helps you cope and makes you smile on your darkest days....and why not feel happy and grateful for such a gift?

It is a bizarre thing, to smile through grief and laugh through tears, but that's what makes us whole as humans, and allows us to experience all that life gives us - the good and the bad.  In the pit of my grief I know I grieve so hard because I loved them so much.  And I know I will be carried through my ordeals by the love others have for me.  It is okay to feel joy!  Joy lives where love lives - do not deny yourself that.  Grieve, live, suffer, and love.  It's all part of this wonderful gift of life.

My heart is with you and with all who suffer loss.  But love is greater than sadness, and will lead us back to the sunlight.

Warm regards,
~ownedgirlie~

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RE: Of Grief and Slavery - 3/3/2007 2:26:08 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		My mother passed away about a year and a half ago, while I miss being able to see and talk to her sometimes, I don't really feel as if she's left me.  I do still get very sad because her life was in many ways a tragic one, something I still don't really understand, and certainly didn't when she was alive.  But I've also come to a sort of peace with her.  When I think about her now, I can conjure up her presense and its always one of forgiveness. 

Everyone deals with these things in their own way and according to their own timeline.  It took me at least 6 months to really be able to feel my mother's death and begin mourning.  Even so, I doubt the feeling of loss will ever go away.  I think the important thing is to just keep working through it in whatever way seems meaningful to you.


_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


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