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At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 12:03:42 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		 A long time ago, I was owned by a woman who was also married to a male dominant (who only dominated female submissives, so we were not personally obligated to each other in any way). Because of this relationship she had, she understood that she was never going to be able to be my "partner" but that I would be her submissive and eventually would become her slave. As a result, she made a statement to me that she did not want to stop me from seeking out regular relationships (not bdsm type ones) in the course of my regular life. I honestly think she felt kind of guilty that she had everything she wanted and that I was probably never going to achieve the same thing as she also realized I would never seek out someone else while I was owned by her. What I always used to wonder was what would have happened in this dichotomy if I would have found a vanilla partner? How would this have changed our dynamic?

Okay, fast forward some years later, and imagine yourself in a situation (if you're a submissive) where you are pursuing a relationship with another dominant, but because of normal day circumstances, you really haven't established much of a relationship with her yet. Neither of you is completely sure that you have found the correct person for each other, but both of you are pursuing it, kind of holding out for when time constraints will lessen (mainly due to the distance between both people).

During this time, a vanilla person has actually taken somewhat of an interest in me. She thinks we should meet for coffee and talk, indicating that she is attracted to me because of our intellectual stimulation.

So, my question is: At what point would you consider yourself exclusive to any one person in any of these scenarios? Now, I don't need a lesson on "communication" as there's no break down in any communication here, nor is there any type of problem of hiding anything from anyone because before I'd ever even have such coffee and talk, it would not be in secret.

I'm just curious at any comments.


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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 2:15:24 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		If I bring it up, and they agree we should be (or they bring it up and I agree we should be) . There has to be some mutual agreement and conversation about it, though.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/4/2007 2:38:33 AM >

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 3:15:32 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I've struggled over this one myself.  Like Susan said, an agreement can be made. 
Something as simple as that is the ideal I suppose.  Yet on the other hand I think if
your tendencys are to be exclusive (sexually) when your happy within a relationship
even if your partner isnt exclusive (married, poly, or what ever) your somewhat battling
against yourself to go elsewhere.  I find when my mind is truly involved reguardless
of the circumstance I'm exclusive no matter what. 

  

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 3:50:52 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		This is kind of how it works for me, also.  It just kind of happens...if I'm that stuck on someone, I don't have much motivation or interest in looking around and don't have a lot of time for that, anyway.  I get way preoccupied with the person I'm stuck on (a bit obsessive compulsive, perhaps?) and I don't multi-task well.  Its a tough thing to sort out in my head, because its not a decision on my part and doesn't require a verbal agreement though I like knowing I'm free to hook up with someone else because sometimes that just kind of happens too. lol   I'm mostly monogomous in a behavioral sense, but sometimes I go crazy.

I don't expect the same sort of exclusivity from the other person.  As an s, I don't see it as my place to put that restriction on a D and as a person, I'm not committed to monogamy out of principal and never have been.

I guess I look at it in terms of priorities rather than exclusivity.  If I'm stuck on someone, they're my first priority after my kids and keeping the wheels turning in my day to day life.  My life is complicated enough that I usually don't have a whole lot of energy for adding on extraneous relationships.



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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 5:23:48 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't consider myself exclusively with someone until after a lot of dating and getting to know one another, realizing that we could have a permanent future together, and we've both verbally agreed that we're exclusive to one another.

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 6:00:00 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		From the perspective of an open poly relationship that is not a simple answer.  The relationship is open in terms of physical activities and he makes all decisions regarding those, but it is a closed poly in terms of emotional commitment.

Since exclusion on a physical level does not exists...  Here is my answer for exclusion on an emotional level.

When he could expect me to be exclusive to the family was when I became his and he gained authority over whatever he wanted in my life. 

When I chose to be exclusive to the family was when I decided that my emotions were significant enough that I had to meet him.

Knight's kyra

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 6:58:17 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		If I felt the need to be exclusive I would become exclusive. I would not do so for any other reason than that was what both of us wanted to do.

For me sex makes me exclusive, if I feel like having sex with someone I am not going to be dating others. But I am a female and many of us are wired this way

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 7:21:19 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I was involved with a sub who was not available to be exclusive with me when we first met.  I ultimately was seeking an exclusive relationship, but in the meantime we both grew closer and knew we wanted to be together. Over the course of several months we saw each other, on and off, but I always kept my options open because he was still not able to be solely with me.  It wasn't until he was free to pursue things with me fully that we made the decision to be each other exclusively. 

It was quite an emotional roller-coaster because he was always worried when he knew I was going out with someone else on a date, and I was always wishing he would hurry up and become free.  He understood and expected that I was going to pursue another relationship if I met someone who could be with me, but I never met anyone else who compared to him as far as how well we connected in vanilla life and D/s.  We are still together, exclusively, going on a year now, so it eventually worked out well.

Be well,
Julie

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 8:05:10 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		It seems that most often people ask questions about personal scenarios on here when their actions already answer them.

The first scenario: you obviously moved on because the second scenario talks about a potential dominant as well as talking to potential vanilla partners. I'm guessing that the first scenario failed to fulfill your basic needs or you would not be exploring scenario number two.

Scenario number two: by your wording you suggest that you have not yet met the vanilla woman & that you have a situation where the dominant you are seeing is not local enough to see frequently. As far as the exclusivity in this scenario it would seem that you were already of the mind that you were not exclusive or you would not have engaged in the additional communication with the vanilla woman.

So what exactly is at question here? Should you seek out a partner that fulfills you in every way so that you can immediately go exclusive or should you just remain open regardless to the dynamic?



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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 8:57:43 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with Julia on this one.  As soon as I become sexual with someone, *I* become exclusive with them.  This doesn't necessarily mean that they become exclusive with me.

However, until *they* are exclusive with me, for a period which includes multiple testing, protection is always used.

Safety first, last, always.

Sunshine


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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 9:15:08 AM   
BloodyValentine


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline 		How can anyone but you decide this? I am poly and I never consider myself exclusive. Been there done that and the t-shirt didn’t fit.

It sounds like YOU want to be exclusive. So I the best answer seems to be when it feel right.

Now what interests me is the dynamics of your first situation. Since I find I don’t want to have sexual contact with men but don’t mind playing with them and it does make me feel guilty they aren’t getting any. I say they can and should form other relationships but I’m never sure if that is what they are looking for. And frankly I haven’t run into a man who can clearly answer that question for me when it is going on. That is until they say, “I’m not getting what I need.”

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 9:54:46 AM   
mynded


Posts: 137
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the good thread.

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 10:02:37 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		After the final great war and there is but one woman left alive.

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 10:11:49 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		When two people are exclusive it's agreed upon. Before that, it's a question of when you remove yourself from the dating pool to demonstrate a level of interest in one person that is clear.

You have to use insight regarding the two people in this situation and not risk blowing it with one.  Without knowing the relationship dynamic with the femdom one, it's impossible to know.  But it's not impossible to imagine that if you tell the dominant woman you've decided to have coffee with a vanilla girl that's taken an interest in you, that the dominant one will dump you in a heartbeat.   She may be insecure, she may want all your attention on her, or she may think you are foolish to be dating a vanilla woman in the first place.  She may think to herself, "Is this guy really submissive if he's gonna date a vanilla girl? Is that fair to her? Is it fair to me? Who is he putting first in this courting process, me, the vanilla girl that doesn't know he is kinky, or himself?"

Or, she may say 'more power to you! have fun!'.  Or, if you ASK her for "permission" to date the vanilla girl, she might think you're a suck up. 

As you can tell, the answer lies in the personality types of both ladies.  If the kinky one is really important to you, you might be better of putting the vanilla one on hold.  There are a LOT more vanilla suitors out there if this doesn't work out; there are NOT a lot of kinky ones.
Akasha



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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 10:22:41 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Personally, until you establish there is a relationship to be concerned about exclusivity is not realy an issue.  However, understanding that getting involved with a Vanilla person would probably be by default an exlusive relationship, it might mean giving up the Domme you are pursuing. You have to remember, the majority of the relationships outside of D/s tend to be assumed to be monogamous. Polyamoury in the vanila world is infrequent.
When I get involved with someone, I make sure it is very well known if they are alowed to see others or if I expect exclusivity.  Angel knew from day one that even when he was just under consideration he was not to be looking elsewhere, vanilla or lifestyle.
Id say just ask the Domme you are pursuing if involvement in a non-lifestyle relationship is acceptable or not. And make sure your vanilla friend knows you arent completely single as well. It might all resolve itself if you do that.  You are looking at it fro your point of view, but there is a good possibility one or both of them might not want to be involved with someone who is not exclusive.

DV

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 10:31:31 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		this almost sounds like the nature of my relationship with Daddy. i know He has a gf on the vanilla side and completely understand about the dynamics of His relationship with her. and yes, she knows all about His daughter (me) and approves of our relationship. now on my side, Daddy encourages that i meet and date (with His permission of course) vanilla and BDSM men. it's one of His goals that i have a loving long term relationship however keeping His place as my Daddy in my life.  it might sound confusing to most of you  i know yet this type of relationship works best for us because we choose not to live publicly in the BDSM realm 24/7. we live as both vanillas and D/s simultaneously yet keeping the D/s where it belongs - in the bedroom.

i have met one special person from collarme and we both have a budding relationship in works which he (my special guy) understands that Daddy will always be Daddy in my life - nothing more or less. i've also met vanillas for a dinner/movie type of dates as well and though i haven't told them about Daddy, i still enjoy myself like any other vanilla woman would on a Friday night. i consider myself exclusive with Daddy because we have committed ourselves to a lifetime relationship as DaddyDom and daughter-submissive. i won't consider myself exclusive with my other relationships until i reach that point in one of them. though my time spent with Daddy will somewhat change however i will always be His daughter no matter which man i have a long term relationship with.

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/4/2007 11:18:55 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
So, my question is: At what point would you consider yourself exclusive to any one person in any of these scenarios?

When we've both decided with eachother that we will be.

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/11/2007 11:17:17 PM   
RobertCloud


Posts: 2959
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		Exclusiveness is an interesting topic because I have found that in some cases that the minute you start talking to someone they feel you are already agreeing to be exclusive to them even if they have not agreed to be exclusive to you.

Often it is the male that is this way more so than the female but I have seen it on both sides of the issue.

It has been rare in my experience to have been talking to more than one until very recently when I found myself in an unusual dilemma for me. I found myself talking to several females at the same time and all were interested in me.

I had never in my life been in that situation. It felt good, and yet it felt wicked, and I kept trying to keep all of them at arms length too. A few I knew very quickly could be no more than friends ever. The differences between us were too great and I was forthright with that, in each case they even ended the friendship rather quickly. It was not nasty, they just stopped communicating.

It came down to the last two... I was good friends with both... very good friends... one had sent me a financial gift to help me out of a bind I had due to some insurance issues I was having but in my mind it was the gift of a friend I really had not seen it as more than that. Unfortunately, she had. Two days later the other and I had an all night talk and things really meshed. I found there were a lot more things in common and a lot more things about her that were what had lay within my dreams, I knew I wanted to become exclusive with the second girl and I felt really bad about the situation with the first. The first was planning to come visit me and I emphasized again that it had to be platonic and I informed her why. I was even willing to allow the possibility that there might be a chance that when meeting her that things could change but I did not want to promise her more than the possibility so it had to stay platonic. Hell broke loose.

I feel really bad about what happened but the first one and I have regained our friendship and all is well. The second girl and I are really doing well and I was right we are truly hitting it off. We have not met, but we both have agreed to be exclusive. No sex has been involved, yet there was still the agreement between us. Then one day she approached me and asked me to consider bringing in her best friend as a sister for her. Neither of them are bi, but they have been friends since before grade school.

So now I am considering a poly situation where both girls will be mine but not with each other, yet they have also said they would if I asked them to. The three of us have said this is it.. no more.. and it is locked.. there will be no more beyond this either... If my girl's friend does not work out it will just be my girl and I... That is understood that her friend is only being considered and there is no chance that if I do not accept her friend that my girl will leave, she has said that, she just wants me to think about it and see if I would be interested. So..  Exclusive.... What is that??? I am lost... lol..... I know that my girl and I are going to be together, and that is that.. but as far as this friend of hers... oh my... I never thought of that...

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/11/2007 11:35:00 PM   
szobras


Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		When clearly agreed between me and my partner.

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RE: At what point do you consider yourself exclusive? - 3/11/2007 11:37:29 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		At this point I would advise that you continue to interact with both
of them and keep your options open.  You do not have enough
information nor emotional experience with either to make a
decision.  Do you want to be exclusive either of them?
Do either of them want to be exclusive with you?
 
 

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