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Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 4:27:58 AM

DaddyDeSade

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

I have more than several kink-friendly vanilla friends who say this sounds interesting but it must be so hard. I admit this is the gourmet cooking of sensuality, and you need some education. I didn't need education to stick my cock in any orifice that would accomodate it and pump away. But it was hours of concentrated work to learn how to cane without wrapping it around the side, and proper flogging. Even hand spankings which I had a pretty good handle on how they are done by the time I was 12, I still needed to practise to give a spanking that is just right.

but I spent just as long learning the art of oral sex, or fingering. Good fingerwork was not inspired to me by God. I don't consider anal sex to be bdsm in and of itself. Don't know anyone who does. And the amount of time I put into doing that well, dwarfs the time I took with any other sexual skill.

But it wasn't hard. Nothing about it has been difficult. Time and energy consuming but not hard.

Does anyone here on either side of the D/s line consider this hard.

Vanilla friends ask what do you do with them? It must be so hard to always be coming up with new ideas."

With me it all seems to lead from one to the next very smoothly. I often start the night with two or three things I want to do and I just let one activity lead me to the next.

Isn't a naked and compliant sub enough to just inspire a whole list of things to do to them.

Do you folks as a community think that question is just vanilla in nature and anyone who was really getting off on doing these things wouldn't think it was hard. Or do you take the stand that some days are harder than others. and some days a scene falls into place and somedays it falls apart. Which I would agree with, naturally. But would still say that doesn't make it hard.

Post #: 1

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 4:39:37 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I'm trying to process exactly what it is your asking.
With the over all tone of your question being simply sex and or a scene all my thoughts fall behind
that scene to how I got there. The scene itself is alot easier then the time it took to gain that trust.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 2

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 4:59:42 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Quivver has a good point. What are you asking? Is it hard to master "proper" (whatever that means) technique? I guess to learn how to weild certain objects properly could be somewhat time consuming. If you are all about sex and the scene (and there's nothing wrong with that), then I guess you're ready. Now, all you need is to find someone else who's also all about the same.

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 3

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 5:04:37 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

I think it's suppose to be whatever you make it.

Relationships are hardwork in general. When you throw in the extra components of BDSM it does complicate things. I admit my vanilla relationships felt a lot 'easier' than the one I am in now, but this relationship is rewarding in so many ways that my previous ones simply could not be.

Sometimes my Dominant will whisper in my ear, "If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be control." The hard times are the times I feel the closest to him, but they are still pretty freaking hard to go through.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 4

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 7:07:03 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Do you folks as a community think that question is just vanilla in nature and anyone who was really getting off on doing these things wouldn't think it was hard. Or do you take the stand that some days are harder than others. and some days a scene falls into place and somedays it falls apart. Which I would agree with, naturally. But would still say that doesn't make it hard.

I do not think it is "hard" in the way that they are describing. The part they think of as hard is the sexual part, and that is the fun. I do not think it is hard for my Daddy to think of new things to do with me. We have not scratched the surface of the play pool yet... and there are some things that are just so damn enjoyable who could get tired of them? Some of the stuff he and I do cannot be done all the time because I need to heal from it. These are some of my personal favorites and I know that they are special things, like bruise torture (he will make a big bruise, rub it out, and then reform it is exactly the same place repeatedly).

The part that can be hard is the emotional part, but nothing easy is ever worth having, it takes work to maintain... but the same is true for vanilla relationships

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 5

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 9:03:42 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

The only thing "harder" about BDSM relationships is that you often are not acting in ways your society thinks is acceptable so you may feel like you have to hide or be more wary of what you are doing.

Otherwise, I find that a good BDSM relationship really is basically like any other human relationship. You get out of it what you each put into it and if you aren't on the same page it will either fail or be less than positive for you both.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 6

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 9:05:14 AM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

It is very hard if you are with the wrong person.
BDSM relationships are just that, relationships.
All relationships take a certain amount of work, but for me
it is worth it. :)

< Message edited by asubmissiveheart -- 3/4/2007 9:10:20 AM >

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 7

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 9:09:35 AM

azzmaster

Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

i think it would be hard 4 a vanilla person cause its not their nature. one developes alot of skills in BDSM but its very fun,a challenge that feels real good.

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)

Post #: 8

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 9:13:52 AM

Sunshine119

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

When you develop a craving to learn anything, is it difficult? Is spending time and energy on anything that excites your imagination hard?

When I wanted to learn pottery, the skills necessary to throw a pot properly took time and energy.....yet it was facinating, and utterly enjoyable. So was it hard? No.

I feel the same applies to BDSM. The skills may take time and energy to master, yet the journey is part of the process. And the journey lasts forever. Why would anyone do anything that was "hard". The journey should draw you along.......

Sunshine

_____________________________

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to asubmissiveheart)

Post #: 9

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 10:06:14 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

It only seems hard if the perceived rewards are less than the effort you need to put out.

Sitting on the couch watching tv is easy for some people; for others it would be torture. I like riding my bicycle long distances in hilly terrain, and a lot of couch potatoes think that's hard but I do it because I like it; same goes for most anything we like to do that takes some effort -- someone who doesn't like it will think the effort makes it hard.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 10

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 10:13:24 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Depending on how you handle your relationship, it can be hard. The learning curve is a little different for BDSM becasue you have to go throug a lot of experimenting before you can settle to what you mutually enjoy. That is a lot more effort than the majority of Vanillas put into the getting to know you process. Thre are more activities involved in a D/s relationshiop, and far different dynamics.
I dont know that it is necessarily harder, but it is different and when someone encounters something different they often think it must be hard. To those involved, it doesnt seem that way. Angel is a software developer. To his friends and the majority of his coworkers, they lok at what he does and have said to him how hard that must be to do all the time. For them it would be, for him, its as easy as writing an email most of the time. Its al a matter of perspective and involvement.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 11

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 10:36:15 AM

simplewhispers

Posts: 232
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline

Yes it is hard, hard to find ALPHA , in fact without a Dom , lots of the aspects of this lifestyle is hard and confusing ......

_____________________________

A silent woman is always more admired than a noisy one.
Season your admiration for a while With an attent ear. . .

simplewhispers

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 12

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 10:41:22 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddyDeSade

I have more than several kink-friendly vanilla friends who say this sounds interesting but it must be so hard. I admit this is the gourmet cooking of sensuality, and you need some education. I didn't need education to stick my cock in any orifice that would accomodate it and pump away. But it was hours of concentrated work to learn how to cane without wrapping it around the side, and proper flogging. Even hand spankings which I had a pretty good handle on how they are done by the time I was 12, I still needed to practise to give a spanking that is just right.

but I spent just as long learning the art of oral sex, or fingering. Good fingerwork was not inspired to me by God. I don't consider anal sex to be bdsm in and of itself. Don't know anyone who does. And the amount of time I put into doing that well, dwarfs the time I took with any other sexual skill.

But it wasn't hard. Nothing about it has been difficult. Time and energy consuming but not hard.

Does anyone here on either side of the D/s line consider this hard.

Vanilla friends ask what do you do with them? It must be so hard to always be coming up with new ideas."

With me it all seems to lead from one to the next very smoothly. I often start the night with two or three things I want to do and I just let one activity lead me to the next.

Isn't a naked and compliant sub enough to just inspire a whole list of things to do to them.

Do you folks as a community think that question is just vanilla in nature and anyone who was really getting off on doing these things wouldn't think it was hard. Or do you take the stand that some days are harder than others. and some days a scene falls into place and somedays it falls apart. Which I would agree with, naturally. But would still say that doesn't make it hard.

I'm confused, you use the term d/s but your examples have to do with sex (sticking a cock in an orifice, having a naked sub). Are you talking about the difficulties of being dominant in relation to someone else? Or are you talking about the difficulties of learning BDSM technique (such as how to weild a single tail properly)?

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 13

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 10:44:17 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Life is supposed to be FUN. If we're not having a good time, we're not looking at it in the right way. When you stop getting angry at people who cut you off, it's not that they have stopped their behavior, it's that you no longer care.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 14

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 10:46:55 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

uhm, canes don't wrap...

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 15

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 11:04:25 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

uhm, canes don't wrap...

If you use a thin enough one, they do. ;-)

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 16

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 11:21:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you make the focus about "what you are doing" then yes, you'll run out and get tired.

If you make the focus about "who you are being" then you'll only get tired if you don't like yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 17

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 11:29:53 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

If you make the focus about "what you are doing" then yes, you'll run out and get tired.

If you make the focus about "who you are being" then you'll only get tired if you don't like yourself.

Brilliant. It was only when I discovered my need to be true to myself....and understood exactly what that meant, when the struggle stopped.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 12:02:40 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

That mail order course, Speak and Write Like a College Graduate, is not all it's cracked up to be.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to DaddyDeSade)

Post #: 19

RE: Is this supposed to be hard? - 3/4/2007 12:56:00 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

If you make the focus about "what you are doing" then yes, you'll run out and get tired.

If you make the focus about "who you are being" then you'll only get tired if you don't like yourself.

Yup. Good perspective...I haven't thought of it (probably becasue I like who I am).

"...because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." This includes no being ugly to ourselves.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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