quote:

ORIGINAL: Artsslave
i don't understand why the D would need to give consent. Isn't the D the one in control, and therefore choosing what does and doesn't happen? If they don't want, or don't like, they can always just keep away or stop the s.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Artsslave

i don't understand why the D would need to give consent. Isn't the D the one in control, and therefore choosing what does and doesn't happen? If they don't want, or don't like, they can always just keep away or stop the s.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Artsslave
i don't understand why the D would need to give consent. Isn't the D the one in control, and therefore choosing what does and doesn't happen? If they don't want, or don't like, they can always just keep away or stop the s.

Dominants can change their limits and boundaries over time just like anyone else.  They have to consent to the relationship as much as the slave does.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Artsslave
i understand that. What i don't understand is why they have to give their consent for what the sub/slave does. After all, according to the power exchange, the D is the one in control (to whatever degree is agreed upon) and with the deciding factor. S/He can stop something they don't want, or tell the sub/slave no.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I never saw myself as his equal, from our first conversation.

But as for his consent...yes, I did begin asking his permission for things early on and it grew, until I learned what types of things he agrees to and what he does not.  When in doubt, ask.  He enjoyed that I did that, so it worked for us.  I still ask permission for things - whether it's permission to go out, or if I'd like to try a new activity. All decisions are his.  But I felt this way with him from the start - maybe it was our chemistry. 

As for consenting to the relationshsip, I asked him to train me, I asked him to own me, and I begged for his collar.  This was his way of ensuring I really truly wanted this and wasn't simply agreeing to something I thought he wanted.  And my asking for these things did not guarantee I would get them, either. He said no to one of them the first time I asked.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

I don't know for sure, but I would bet that an outside observer would think that you're equals. :)

quote:


But, I agree with the basics of what you're saying and when I first started, it never dawned on me to assure consent from the Dominants I interacted with. It wasn't until a relationship went really bad that I began to rethink this and take pains to make sure D's I interact with know what they're getting into.  That relationship went bad because all he was looking for was blowjobs, but knowing he wouldn't get that he told me what I wanted to hear.  Being new, I fell for it but we created between us some psychodynamics that became very destructive.  In retrospect, I realize I could have avoided this by making sure he had the same understanding of D/s as I did and that he understood the kinds of intensities that are created in the dynamic.  I don't blame myself (I was scammed), but I do feel responsible.

quote:


Another thought:  I know a lot of Dominants don't put much weight on seeking consent because it feels too much to them like asking permission.

quote:

On the other hand, before a power exchange dynamic is fully established, the two parties begin as equals.

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

Generally, when I've seen 'consent' discussed, its in terms of the s-side consenting to various actions by the D-side.  The s gives consent, and the D receives it.  This makes a lot of sense because it acknowledges the aysmetrical power relation and 'consent' is a mechanism that is supposedly for the protection of the less powerful.

On the other hand, before a power exchange dynamic is fully established, the two parties begin as equals.  Neither is more powerful than the other and there's no reason to assume that the s is inherantly less powerful than the D.  Given this, it seems that the s should worry just as much about getting the D's consent as the D does about getting the s's consent. 

I understand that not everyone uses SSC and places emphasis on consent.  Personally, I don't make a big deal out of it, but I do find myself seeking a D's consent all the time.  It takes the form of "asking permission" but I don't think its any different in principal from consent. Early on, I seek permission for everything, and its always puzzled me why I do that.  My gut feeling is that I don't want to impose myself on a Dominant or assume things about a relationship that I shouldn't be assuming.  Its only been very recently that I've made the connection between my permission seeking behavior and the idea of consent. 

I'm curious about what other's think about this.  Any thoughts are welcome. :) 

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

I like the asking permission like that -- it is like screaming "Here's the power, big boy! Now take it and run with it like a bandit!"

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

I like the asking permission like that -- it is like screaming "Here's the power, big boy! Now take it and run with it like a bandit!"

quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

my doing this in the past has caused frustration for a couple of Doms i saw. i never understood why. Luckly i've found One that not only enjoys the fact that i ask permission for things but requires that i do so

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

I like the asking permission like that -- it is like screaming "Here's the power, big boy! Now take it and run with it like a bandit!"

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I agree that the consent is mutual. I had someone follow me around all night one time, trying to serve when I didn't ask for it. I eventually had to be blunt and tell him to go away.

If we can remember that these exchanges are relationships, not just one person doing everything that another person tells them, we'll be much better off, in my opinion.

Master Fire

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

For me it can be frustrating especially if too much is read into it.  For me, permission is more of a precondition to a power exchange...something I do before I start ceding control and isn't, itself, the ceding of control.  Its kind of like saying, once I cross this line, I'm gonna be really submissive...Are you ready for it?  If I don't get clear enough permission, I don't cross the line.  So, its kind of confusing esp if someone reads it as indication that I have crossed the line.  (I don't know if this makes sense.)  I find a lot of times, my permission seeking is simply ignored.

quote:

There's some of that in my permission seeking.  But, there's also alot of "Are you sure you're ok with this?" cause I don't want to put the other person off.  I think it has to do with respect for the other person's autonomy.