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Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:32:27 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Greetings, all-

so there is this local girl- she's had, to my knowlege, some fairly intense experiance, within a single relationship (about two years, to my understanding). SHe lives here on the east coast, and has recently entered into a new relationship with a dom on the west coast, whose experiance I really can't speak to, but he does have that stiffness that I associate with those that are new to what it is we do.

There is an upcoming party, locally, that she was forbidden to attend- I really don't know the details, but it seems that he simply doesn't want her to go out and meet others in the scene- she would be amoung RL friends that she knows in the scene, and afew of whom he has met, so it really doesn't (to my eyes) seem to be a question of safety.

This just seems wrong to me- I really can't imagine limiting someones interaction if I wasn't there to at least fill the gap time wise- I don't do LDR's, myself, but it just smacks of the sort of limiting, controling behavior that I dislike seeing in the scene, and I really can't imagine the justifcation.

Can anyone explain this to me?

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:36:08 AM   
Guest
 Lawrence,

Going on the info you provided my first guess would be his own insecurities are at the root of the decision - perhaps he's fearful that if she met more r/l folks locally, she may queston the less convenient long distance relationship they are forming.

Hard to say without knowing more but it smells that way to me.

Mod5

(in reply to topcat)
  Post #: 2
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:46:59 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Who knows, maybe she did something bad, maybe there's something else going on.

She's an adult, she can choose to obey and it's up to her what will ultimately make her fulfilled. While I might personally think some dom is a dork, I don't have to obey them. And trying to get another sub to think as you do is a waste of time and will cause more angst than anyone needs.

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 8:34:16 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

he simply doesn't want her to go out and meet others in the scene


Topcat,
And yet another reason I never considered to not get involved in a LTR that is mostly cyber oriented. How illustrative of this dom's lack of confidence. Sounds like he is afraid to lose his source of whack off material - how sad for her.

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 9:24:18 AM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Lawrence,

I agree, it does sound like a lot of insecurity from that dominant. I know in a vanilla relationship, that would set off every warning bell in my collection. If you don't trust your partner to meet and talk with other people, why is that? And what exactly do you trust your partner to do?

On the other hand, some submissives seem to really desire that sort of control thing. It's difficult for me to put myself in that kind of headspace, but I frequently have to remind myself that not everyone thinks like me.

It's not usually a stable dynamic with other-wise healthy folks, in my experience.

Be well

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 9:49:51 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		From my POV--

Maybe she expressed to him that she wanted more controll in her life, because she wasn't "feeling" it. Maybe forbiding her to do this was his way of exerting "feelable" controll over her.

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 9:52:09 AM   
Alexander


Posts: 159
Joined: 12/10/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Who knows, maybe she did something bad, maybe there's something else going on.

She's an adult, she can choose to obey and it's up to her what will ultimately make her fulfilled. While I might personally think some dom is a dork, I don't have to obey them. And trying to get another sub to think as you do is a waste of time and will cause more angst than anyone needs.


and I said it once before
but it bears repeating.

-White Stripes

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 9:52:15 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

On the other hand, some submissives seem to really desire that sort of control thing. It's difficult for me to put myself in that kind of headspace, but I frequently have to remind myself that not everyone thinks like me.


M. Silvie-

I'd be thinking that way myself, but in speaking with her last night (she was granted permission to call me <g>), she seemed to not really be getting anything from the restriction along those lines- she just sounded a little overly matter-of-fact about it: "oh master says I can't go to any scene events unless he's here" , and I really found that disturbing.

I don't want to be involved with the sort of people that behave in this manner, but she was an enjoyable addition to our group, the few times I met her, and I was just a little put off by the whole thing.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to MsSilvie)
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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 1:02:56 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
quote:

On the other hand, some submissives seem to really desire that sort of control thing.

M. Silvie-
she just sounded a little overly matter-of-fact about it: "oh master says I can't go to any scene events unless he's here" , and I really found that disturbing. Lawrence

Initially I would think he is a bit too insecure/controlling, but indeed some subs like a controlling Dom.
On this one instance alone I wouldn't be able to tell if she is headed for trouble with Mr possibly-slightly-too-controlling-and-too-insecure to say.

I'm not surprised You are uncomfortable with it, since this behavior is unbecoming a gentleman. What can you do though, other than to tell her to pay attention to her gutt feelings when her Dom talks to her and to pay attention to his behavior? Clearly she has a good support system from which she can tap great advice. M

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 1:15:32 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		<shrug> I'm not permitted at scene events either, without my owner. On one occasion he permitted me to attend a play party for a brief period of time with a domina he trusted. I don't find anything unusual in it. Some do, some don't. If she was matter of fact about it, she must not mind too much.


f

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 1:19:16 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
she just sounded a little overly matter-of-fact about it: "oh master says I can't go to any scene events unless he's here" , and I really found that disturbing.

OK THIS is a bit more important information which was NOT included in the original statement.

"unless he's here" is a VERY VERY different thing than "no you aren't allowed at all."

If the Owner told me I wasn't allowed to go somewhere without him, you better darn believe it WOULD become a fact of my life.

Why might he tell me that? Well I could give a whole host of reasons, none of which are really relevant and might be none of the ones this dom had in mind.

Now, this doesn't abdicate him, he still might be controlling due to insecurity and all that. BUT, she's happy about it I assume, he's happy with it and I consider it a MORE than reasonable request from a dominant to his sub.

Just because another dom has a different style than you that rubs you wrong, doesn't MAKE it wrong. Given this new piece of information, I'd say, put a smile on your face and keep your put-off feelings to yourself.

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 5:07:30 PM   
Overlord218


Posts: 53
Joined: 1/26/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds like he's a boy with a new toy who's scared of someone stealing it to Me. Key word being boy.

Over the years, I've done a few LDRs. One in particular stands out. she was a relative newbie to the lifestyle and lacked confidence. I made enquiries in her local area and arranged for her to attend munches and other social events. The end result being, her confidence has improved and she's learned a lot. That, to Me is a positive outcome.



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Overlord 218

A little pain is good for the soul. Ask any masochist.

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 5:49:14 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I'd be thinking that way myself, but in speaking with her last night (she was granted permission to call me <g>), she seemed to not really be getting anything from the restriction along those lines- she just sounded a little overly matter-of-fact about it: "oh master says I can't go to any scene events unless he's here" , and I really found that disturbing.


Maybe I'm playing the devils advocate here, but I've known subs that have put themselves in that position and then talked about in that "matter of fact" tone because they were hoping that someone would "come to their rescue". The Knight in Shining Armor thing. It could be an attention ploy.... Just my opinion

Jewel

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 5:51:26 PM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

she just sounded a little overly matter-of-fact about it: "oh master says I can't go to any scene events unless he's here" , and I really found that disturbing.

Yeah, that'd be relevant.

One of those constrictions in a LDR that's not much of an issue when your relationship is local. Not my kink either, but nothing to get terribly worried about.

quote:

I don't want to be involved with the sort of people that behave in this manner, but she was an enjoyable addition to our group, the few times I met her, and I was just a little put off by the whole thing.


The "no contact with anyone else" thing gets my alarm bells ringing, too - but if he's not totally isolating her, just making sure that she doesn't go to kink events without him, it's not really that large of a deal.

OTOH, I rarely let my subs go to an event without me - mostly, they went with me. Go figger.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:05:37 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

Maybe I'm playing the devils advocate here, but I've known subs that have put themselves in that position and then talked about in that "matter of fact" tone because they were hoping that someone would "come to their rescue". The Knight in Shining Armor thing. It could be an attention ploy.... Just my opinion


M. Jewel-

An excellent analysis!

Some follow-up infomation that came my way this evening leads me to much the same conclusion<g>. Fortunately, my armor is still in the hockshop, and the lance was last seen being used as a whiskerpole on a J-24 (the sword is propping up the bookcase). The advantage of being a bit burnt and cynical is that I am getting more ploy proofed in my dotage.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:11:31 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Why do so many subs shriek and drone on and on about "Not a doormat!" and then completely act helpless and out of control when it comes to handling their own lives?

And why do so many doms want to rush in and save the day?

Until you start treating them like adults and making them act like it, they won't.

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:14:36 PM   
CitizenCane


Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, for a minute I thought I was reading 'Dear Abby'. Sheesh- he's 'controlling'?!! Silly me, I thought control was a big part of D/s and BDSM. I'm anxious to see how people respond to the next thread on orgasm denial. Would it be a 'sign of his insecurities' if he, say, forbade her from having sex with others? If she promised to use a condom, it wouldn't be a 'safety issue'. Considering all the talk on the boards about 'ownership', this all sounds like envy to me. Maybe, just maybe, the guy is exercizing control as part of the bonding process. Or is that too extreme?



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Citizen Cane

If silence is golden, why is duct tape silver?

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:23:56 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		One more point- how many doms on this site don't even let their subs talk to other doms online or on the phone? He's obviously not keeping her from contacting and discussing things with other people if Topcat can talk to her frequently and in depth.

This is ABOUT someone ELSE deciding your behavior. Sure there's classic signs of insecurity and newbie mistakes...but I'm not prepared to say this is one of them, not even close.

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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 7:40:42 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
I've known subs that have put themselves in that position and then talked about in that "matter of fact" tone because they were hoping that someone would "come to their rescue". The Knight in Shining Armor thing. It could be an attention ploy.... Just my opinion
Jewel

That's a good one Jewel, I didn't think that at all until I just read this, and how true...
I've said this to vanilla guy friend before when some girlfriends come a complaining about all the problems with boyfriends, and why would it be so different is a D/s relationship? M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 9:28:35 PM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

quote:

On the other hand, some submissives seem to really desire that sort of control thing. It's difficult for me to put myself in that kind of headspace, but I frequently have to remind myself that not everyone thinks like me.


M. Silvie-

I'd be thinking that way myself, but in speaking with her last night (she was granted permission to call me <g>), she seemed to not really be getting anything from the restriction along those lines- she just sounded a little overly matter-of-fact about it: "oh master says I can't go to any scene events unless he's here" , and I really found that disturbing.

I don't want to be involved with the sort of people that behave in this manner, but she was an enjoyable addition to our group, the few times I met her, and I was just a little put off by the whole thing.

Stay warm,
Lawrence


You know her better than anyone else here, Lawrence. She may be resenting it a bit, or she may just be getting used to the idea. It could be a D/s thing, it could be that it's more an expression of insecurity on the part of the dominant.

Probably the best thing you can do is sit back. Let her know you are available if she wants to talk. But it is more between her and her dom partner. They'll work it out, or they won't.

Be well.

edited, because my typing can't keep up with my thoughts.

< Message edited by MsSilvie -- 3/29/2005 9:29:45 PM >

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