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RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 9:39:59 PM

MsSilvie

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

Wow, for a minute I thought I was reading 'Dear Abby'. Sheesh- he's 'controlling'?!! Silly me, I thought control was a big part of D/s and BDSM. I'm anxious to see how people respond to the next thread on orgasm denial. Would it be a 'sign of his insecurities' if he, say, forbade her from having sex with others? If she promised to use a condom, it wouldn't be a 'safety issue'. Considering all the talk on the boards about 'ownership', this all sounds like envy to me. Maybe, just maybe, the guy is exercizing control as part of the bonding process. Or is that too extreme?

Sure, D/s has to do with control. You can do that in a healthy, consensual way, or you can do that in a totally scary screwed up way. You can do it all kinds of ways in-between too. I don't think there is enough info in the thread to make that particular call. Lawrence isn't exactly inexprienced. There was enough of an "off" feeling in the situation for him to want to discuss it.

Maybe in your world, abuse never puts on a bdsm coat of paint to try to look acceptable. In my world, one of the hallmarks of a potential abuser is an attempt to isolate someone from his or her support group. I don't know that this is the exact situation, but if it were happening to one of my friends, I probably would be looking at the whole thing with some concern also.

(in reply to CitizenCane)

Post #: 21

RE: Is it me? - 3/29/2005 11:20:39 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Lawrence luv,

I've been known to restrict associations of someone who was distant because it was what I thought was most suitable for the situation and the individual involved. Of course, I can't recall any sweeping No-Nos, rather a 'that person is trouble and I don't want them in my life, which by extension means your life as well. Disengage.' A lot of grief and assumptions were thrown at me, accusations of isolation being abuse, yada yada. All of which I disregarded because the people doing the jumping to conclusions didn't have the big picture, only their reactions to the little pieces they'd heard and the drama the bottom was creating.

I suspect the individual in question would, today, tell you he wishes he'd acquiesced.

Does she seem miserable with the instruction? Is she getting anything out of acquiescing? Or, as has been suggested, is she looking for attention? I've seen subs give entirely too much one-sided stories to 'friends' in the attempt to 'lean on a friend' and it just turned into shite.

I'm glad you resisted the urge to rescue. In this instance I suspect that less is more.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 22

RE: Is it me? - 3/30/2005 5:20:21 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

I suspect the individual in question would, today, tell you he wishes he'd acquiesced.

Madame-

I have no doubt that that is the case<g>.

quote:

Does she seem miserable with the instruction? Is she getting anything out of acquiescing? Or, as has been suggested, is she looking for attention? I've seen subs give entirely too much one-sided stories to 'friends' in the attempt to 'lean on a friend' and it just turned into shite.

It is smelling a bit of that at this point- I don't know her all that well, and what she surrenders to is, of course, her business. Mostly I was just a bit put off by her flat effect in response to being denied what I believed she had been looking forward to, added to by my compleate lack of comprehension as to how that level of control can be sustained at that sort of a distance ( I had mispoke BTW, he is actually in Colorado, not Ca).

Not having met the DIQ, my perception may be way off, but my general feel is that his experiance level is not perhaps what he has represented it to be, and it is, just to me, a rather alien notion- she is friends with the local pack of the uncollared, and was before they met, and she was attending the event with them, and to restrict that, as well as the weekly munch (which I just learned of) is just so counter to my notions of leadership that it just seems all wrong.

I am not losing sleep over this- as I said, my inner KSA has been down the obuilette for so long I keep forgetting he was ever there, and my dis-ease with the situation is likely merely his fading groans and rattles.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 23

RE: Is it me? - 3/31/2005 11:19:30 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline

One thought that struck me, based on past experiences of my own, is the tendency of some new submissives to want to seek assurances about their relationship outside of the dynamic. Could she be looking to you to tell her it's OK for her long-distance dom to place such restrictions on her, thus using you as a safety sensor? OTOH, her flat acceptance of the restriction might be counter-indicative of such behavior, but the thought lingers.
Timothy

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 24

RE: Is it me? - 4/1/2005 4:59:30 AM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

being in a Master/slave relationship, i had very little freedom to choose what i was to to and go. To me i found great solice in my owner limiting me to go to scene activities with only him. I am very active in the CT scene, but really feel protected and safe when he was there. Its not for everyone, thats why its called a choice....Master/slave or dom/sub

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 25

RE: Is it me? - 4/3/2005 5:02:23 PM

tabbycat

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176

One thought that struck me, based on past experiences of my own, is the tendency of some new submissives to want to seek assurances about their relationship outside of the dynamic. Could she be looking to you to tell her it's OK for her long-distance dom to place such restrictions on her, thus using you as a safety sensor? OTOH, her flat acceptance of the restriction might be counter-indicative of such behavior, but the thought lingers.
Timothy

I find that to be a very true statement- not too long ago I had no clue what I was doing and was scared to trust my own judgement. I did seek advice from Doms and subs that I found or were told were good people. I asked both to see if they saw something I wasn't seeing. It served not only as a comfort but kept me out of trouble a time or two.

I'm very content right now in things but I never would have gotten there without the kindness shown to me by several people on this site. Even the little kick in the rear I needed to take those first steps into the "real world." Its nice to have people to talk to, I hope someday to reach the level that I can give advice, but I've served as a sounding board a time or two and that's nice too.

That said, I think there is a fine line between asking for advice and covert fishing for something you want to hear.

Hope it all works out well.

~tabbycat

(in reply to domtimothy46176)

Post #: 26

RE: Is it me? - 4/4/2005 4:29:35 PM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Let's look at this another way-if a girl is spoken for,why does she need to be attending play party without her significant other? To screw around behind his back with people he doesn't even know,much less trust?

(in reply to MsSilvie)

Post #: 27

RE: Is it me? - 4/4/2005 10:38:47 PM

cailinTC

Posts: 18
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gemeni

Let's look at this another way-if a girl is spoken for,why does she need to be attending play party without her significant other? To screw around behind his back with people he doesn't even know,much less trust?

exactly cailin's words....good post !!

~His cailin

There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 28

RE: Is it me? - 4/5/2005 12:32:09 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I'll third that motion... I don't see anything unusual or alarming at all about a Master saying his slave cannot go to a party, or anywhere else, without him being present. But especially a lifestyle party with people he does not know. That is his right and perogative. What bothers me is how many seem to think its okay to meddle in the relationship of another just because you don't approve of their choice. From what has been said this girl, regardless of what you think of the DIQ, is not in any form of danger... there is absolutely nothing to justify any form of intervention. Anyone poking their nose into their relationship would be intruding and deserves to have their nose smacked off with a baseball bat. How quick some have been to label this DIQ as being insecure, inexperienced, etc. bothers me, would you treat me this way if I say something you disagree with? I think that is rather unfair considering no one here has met this person or knows anything about him directly. Bit judgemental don't you think?

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to cailinTC)

Post #: 29

RE: Is it me? - 4/5/2005 4:46:52 PM

sweetpettjenny

Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

it could be many things...insecurity or maybe he truelly thinks she may be harmed inh some way without him there to protect her. :::shrugs::: i am only R/t in local relationships....i can't do the long distance or cyber thing, id go bonkers.
jenny

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 30

RE: Is it me? - 4/6/2005 8:02:57 AM

dsamethyst

Posts: 91
Joined: 9/20/2004
Status: offline

I just wanted to put in my nickels worth.......
Once upon a time
As matter of fact, it was not even in a D/s relationship...I had a fella that tried to restrict my activities...and now in hind sight I know why..HE was out doing what ever and whom ever he wished...and he wanted to avoid me running into him or me running into some one that might by chance tell me of his exploits... He also was insecure in my feelings for him and was not HONEST about it....Truth be told if one is honest with one's own self then they are capable in being honest with others.

Lessons we learn in life... I appreciate the fact that Lawrence has the concern....when i was new to the lifestyle...I was just a little lass and could have used the advice of someone that was a nuturer and nfortunately in this world...there just arent enough of them...it is my belief it is up to us all to keep the newbie safe...just as one would not permit a child to play with an anaconda....should we not warn the newbies of the actvities and habits of the anaconda like people int he world??

_____________________________

people will forget what you said
they will forgive what you did
but they will never forget the way you made them feel

(in reply to sweetpettjenny)

Post #: 31

RE: Is it me? - 4/6/2005 8:30:57 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dsamethyst
just as one would not permit a child to play with an anaconda....should we not warn the newbies of the actvities and habits of the anaconda like people int he world??

There are two large problems here-

1) We aren't children, we're grown independent adults who should NOT need babysitters just to date and decide who we want to associate with.

2) They aren't anacondas, they are dorks who can easily be dealt with if you handle them AS AN ADULT.

Personally, if someone feels they need warnings and supervision like a child with a vicious snake just to date people, they shouldn't be dating to begin with.

(in reply to dsamethyst)

Post #: 32

RE: Is it me? - 4/11/2005 6:46:21 AM

dsamethyst

Posts: 91
Joined: 9/20/2004
Status: offline

Those who know me will understand the inference to the anaconda...and chuckle a bit....It is my humble belief that when we first enter the "scene or what ever you wish to call it"... we are indeed like children...particularly us older and trusting types..i came to realize what it is that i was at the tender age of 35!!!! and believe it or not at 35...i was more child like than i was at 15.

I had just come out of a very long and restraining marriage and was basically emotionally battered...and the first D/s person i was involved with basically abused and used me... I was more fortunate after that...the shell went on...and only recently came off again. I had been involved with a Dom/Top, what ever he wished to refer himself as at the given minute on and off for a few years...always with full disclosure of my status...and his after that one. Due to the fact that he is a married fella and unable to fully "be there" i bascially had only a play relationship...and an almost a paternalistic one at that. and was given full permission to date to fullfil my other social and uhem sexual needs I was released from that relationship up when i began to date a vanilla twist fella. Sir did not want to have me caught with conflicted feeling of being truthful....i above all else feel that honesty is the most important thing in the world.

I had been involved in the vanilla twist relationship for nearly 2 years as it turns out he was a liar and cheat and I was recently left for dead emoptionally by that one. The one that i had come to rely upon and well i wish to this day i had listened to those around me that told me to stay away from the snake! Becasue I was still to close to the situation to feel him squeezing the life from me as an anaconda does.

I contine to feel rather child like and yes i do look for reassurance probably becasue of my emotional make up not a fault just my make up. I had difficulty forming trusting relationships but when i do, i also become somewhat blinded in my judgement... Ladies that know me and gents that know me are all shaking their heads in agreement....amazing what being abandoned at your greatest moment of need does to your self perception. You grow.....but I will tell you that I sure wish that i actually had a fella that was actually acting as an advisor to be a sounding board. But as one may have figured out...i continue to have issues int he trust arena...so I now have decided that i will play with only people that have good reputaions and basically i will listen to the people that helped me when i was abandoned...becasue alll of them in their own way helped me did myself out of the quagmire of quicksand that the anaconda had left me in when i needed him most.

_____________________________

people will forget what you said
they will forgive what you did
but they will never forget the way you made them feel

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 33

RE: Is it me? - 4/11/2005 11:39:18 AM

lil1v

Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dsamethyst
I had difficulty forming trusting relationships but when i do, i also become somewhat blinded in my judgement... Ladies that know me and gents that know me are all shaking their heads in agreement....amazing what being abandoned at your greatest moment of need does to your self perception. You grow.....but I will tell you that I sure wish that i actually had a fella that was actually acting as an advisor to be a sounding board.

I think many of us are like that. I know that "love is blind" rings true for much more people than would ever admit it. I like checking in with people on boards like this or other people that I know and trust to give me an honest answer and use as a sounding board. Sometimes our minds play tricks on us, especially if we want something bad enough. Knowing this and admitting it is half the battle to overcoming it.

Personally, if I was the girl in question and my Dom didn't want me to go to play parties, I don't think I'd mind. Now if I couldnt go to any social events of any kind and he tried to isolate me from my freinds/family... Then we'd be having a BIG discussion, most of it with my foot up his ass telling him where he can get off.

_____________________________

V

(in reply to dsamethyst)

Post #: 34

RE: Is it me? - 4/17/2005 3:31:33 AM

Flare

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/20/2005
Status: offline

You asked, is it me? Yes. There is a whole long series of posts here all getting involved in someone elses relationship. Beware those who enroll you in their drama - what you think is protective might just be mama's boy. Not said to give offense - said to encourage a gut check - they will do what they do and it will work or not and it ain't our biz until they ask for something - didn't see anything where she asked you for anything...... So what's up? Why do you want to get involved in their relationship?

(in reply to lil1v)

Post #: 35

RE: Is it me? - 5/15/2005 11:43:24 AM

amara

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

it does just seem that he's a control freak as opposed to domineering

is really hard telling the difference!

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 36

RE: Is it me? - 6/14/2005 5:00:11 PM

biflover327

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/5/2005
Status: offline

DONT YOU GET IT!

He,s jelouse and insecure, and she is too! first her acting pissed because he wont let her go with friends, then her off the coller responce of not wanting to go because he said so, like its not a big deal, its her way of justifying her right choice of man or covering up a bad relationship.
I have a highly sexed girlfriend that married a control freak, wouldent let her call friends, calls me when she can, admits he hasent fucked her for two months as punishment for arguing against his control. next call said he,s a good guy, loves him even though their not having good sex just shove it in and cum, roll over,sleep! he threw her dildo away, but she loves him, one month later begs to come over, needs to be raped and fucked bad, now she,s a regular, but still loves him? Hmmm and he thinks he,s controled her sex needs <smile> I think she will be running soon.

(in reply to amara)

Post #: 37

RE: Is it me? - 6/14/2005 7:08:06 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

I'm not permitted to attend scenes without my Master either. Has nothing to do with trust, just out of respect to Him. I do have his permission to speak with other Doms/Masters online, although if I have a problem with them, He will take over for me.

perfection

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 38

RE: Is it me? - 6/14/2005 10:00:29 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

This really is to topcat as well as the board.............you know, this probably won't hang together when I am done......but I feel and understand this. couple of things it may be, a confused young woman (defined in this venue), a woman who is looking to be 'rescued' as was previously posted, a woman with wiles who is looking for expert opinion to train her dom, or someone fucking around to see What Up.
Lawence, if I may call you that, or topcat if you prefer (we've never talked) If I looked at this in a cold, calculating manner; the dichotomy I would feel is this: can't go to a gathering, but is allowed to call you on the phone (that assumes a fundamental principle that colours all thought right there), what makes you special that is not in the scene ( I know cause I have read your posts for many, many months and know that your are an honorable and decent person; but this seems a recent kinda very personal thing) and I know no nics, and seems somewhat like emotional attachment with dom drop. Cyber ........yeah...........kinda gotta do that here sometimes...connections are made..........doms can be manipulated as much as subs or slaves. The 'doormat' thing to me is; I think women (cause that's the flesh I deal in) have sometimes in their passions made mistakes and they write that to say what they feel as well as trying to indicate that they have vast experience (which they don't) so they can advertise that they know the gizmo. Assuming you had all the time in the world here, you can find oodles (oh, this depresses me to use this word) and oodles of slaves/submissives that are actually people and can function quite well without everything that they desire, just like doms can. Just kinda empty. So I am dotable as you are.........

Now, I know you don't know me from Adam, but if you find fault with this post in what I said to you, about you, or the overall tone; write me and I will withdraw; you are a good and honorable person but cannot save a baby from burning herself on the stove when she holds her hand to the flame, as you say........"There is no blood, without remission" That includes us who claim our dominance.

My most sincere post,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 39

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