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Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 3:43:35 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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There have been many excellent threads posted lately, particularly the “Sabotage” thread posted by our dear Troll. For me, these threads have caused much self reflection, self-awareness and self-motivation resulting in what I feel like is “growing pains” for lack of a better description. It hurts to see myself in a truthful light, acknowledging my faults and weaknesses and likewise the changes I am making toward self improvement and ultimately to a domination of my ego are proving to be just as painful …
My question is 2 parts … have any others, Dominants and submissives/slaves alike, felt “growing pains” in their personal journeys, and if you have – would you be so kind as to share your experience here on this thread?
While I know there are many who consider a good spanking a “growing pain” and humor is always welcome, I am more curious about what growth feels like within as it is occurring and layers of the old are peeled away to expose the new…

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

Post #: 1

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 4:27:56 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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My personal self-introspection began when I was 16. That was when I knew that it was important for me to know myself, because it was apparent that I would probably always be somewhat of a mystery to those around me. If someone had to keep tabs on me, it would have to be me.

As far as BDSM, that was the last thing to fall into place. Even by 16, I had long since had 'interests' and fantasies and a couple of childhood and early teen 'experimentations' (non-sexual). Like a lot of people, however, there was some guilt associated with believing that these inclinations were unhealthy. I continued to dabble, but it wasn't until I was 30 and events that took place around then that I decided that it was finally time to be true to myself.

After it did, people's perception of me changed. They noticed some sort of maturity change, but didn't get the pleasure of finding out what specifically manifested.

So, my 'growing pains' all took place BEFORE my life 'here'. However I know that very few have that luxury. Therefore, one of the things that I do in conjunction with training and play is to really drag a partner through her personal 'mud' of figuring out who she is. I believe strongly in working through psychological issues smack dab in the middle of the dynamic. Their 'journey' works out better, it seems. It's not always pretty, because you don't always know what's going to come out of it, but it is quite effective.

My relationships are never about 'me', as I've done all of the traveling I need to do. I guide someone to help them achieve what I was able to accomplish ages ago.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 2

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 5:51:03 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Since I have found out about WIITWD I have grown by leaps and bounds. I have dealt with old traumas in a way that furthers my submission. I have also gleened how important it is to choose the right person to submit to. The transformation of self is slightly flabbergasting to me. I will say though that I would have grown whether I was doing WIITWD or not, my submissiveness would have shaped my growth regardless...but not in the same way that it has since I began exploring it with others.

So growth for a thinking and feeling human being is inevitable... my submission has just affected the course of it so to speak

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 3

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 6:19:25 AM

swtrayn

Posts: 222
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

My question is 2 parts … have any others, Dominants and submissives/slaves alike, felt “growing pains” in their personal journeys, and if you have – would you be so kind as to share your experience here on this thread?
While I know there are many who consider a good spanking a “growing pain” and humor is always welcome, I am more curious about what growth feels like within as it is occurring and layers of the old are peeled away to expose the new…

I think that your question is a very good one and can not wait to read what others write.

For me, I am going through those "growing pains" now.

I recently left a three year D/s relationship. I won't go into to much detail about it. But the main reason is my trust was broken. Even with six months of trying to rebuild that trust, I couldn't.

So, now I am going through the 'growing pains' of letting go, reflecting on what I could of done better, how maybe my own 'pride' got in the way of forgiving. The growing pains have even gone so far as trying to figure out if this lifestyle is still what I want.

I have realized that even if I do leave this part of my life behind, what I am as a submissive will never change. It will just be that I have decided to live without a large part of who and what I am. To figure out if I still can offer and give myself to someone on such a deep level, to trust again, to allow myself that connection without the fear of being devastated once again.

These new 'growing pains' have been very rough, doubting myself, yet realizing that I still have some not so good traits that I need to work on or let go of.

The 'growing pains' have not all been bad, I realized that I have more strength then I ever thought. I was able to uproot my entire life and move to another state, get a new job, reach out to the local D/s Community.

Now, it is all about figuring where to go from here. To peel off the layers of the past and letting go of the baggage. I know that most of the 'growing pains' will make me really look at myself and make me figure out what it is I want and need at this point in my life.

So, with all that said, my 'growing pains' have been difficult, enlightening, scarey yet reassuring in many ways.

Hopefully that helps to answer a bit of those questions.

rayn

_____________________________

"I tried to contain myself -- I escaped..."

"Make sure brain is engaged before SEND key is released"

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."--Lucille Ball

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 4

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 6:45:20 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

What do growing pains feel like? They hurt. More accurately, they burn. But, I'm a masochist, so I tend to seek out the kind of experiences that promote this kind of pain.

I learned of the process first in the context of my academic development, writing my master's thesis. When I was in the middle of really important work that challenged my intellectual/ emotional boundaries and took me somewhere I didn't want to go but was still compelled to, I would feel utterly crazy hot like I was possessed by an alien spirit. Prior to that, I had always turned away from that kind of intense learning. And, yes, when I'm in this kind of space, I'm extremely aroused in all senses of the word. I had the same experience writing my phd thesis. I have to seek this kind of challenge out for myself, or at least remain open/surrender to it when its presented to me. Its not the sort of thing that can be imposed from the outside or forced.

I don't think I would have had the motivation/ interest/ courage to explore bd/sm if it didn't burn in this way and I hadn't already explored the process in the context of 'safer,' or at least socially approved, activities.

I can't imagine ever being done with this sort of thing. It sounds like death to me.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 5

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 6:58:00 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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I too have had tremendous growing pains.
I was just telling someone last night I felt finding BDSM 2 years ago was much like beginning puberty all over for me.
I'm not sure of my responses, reactions or near as in control of myself and my emotions as I use to be.
I as a matter of a fact have not been this insecure in my own identity even when I was the 14-16year old girl figuring it all out for the first time.
The rules of engagement vary so much in this lifestyle you really have to dig deep within yourself and consider things you'd have never even given notice to before.
In addition to that yes, I'm a big communicator and I feel I do that well. In that the whole notion I have to lay my most buried pain and most insecure parts of my spirit fully open all the time with the one I submit to has been very hard and so far a little emotionally damaging me and causing me major set backs.
There are now things that had been laid to rest as far as hurting me are awake and back to tearing at me.
It's like the scars were reopened.
The funny thing is I could talk to regular folks about the things that hurt me and it wasn't like I kept my painful stuff hidden in a closet before, but in having to analyze the situations, my reactions to them, my motivations, the other persons motivations and what accountability I had in them on the level I had to do that with my first Master brought back tons of insecurities and unresolved anger to the surface for me I can't seem to put back to rest.
The whole full open vulnerable disclosure up front is a rough and uncomfortable thing to have to see in myself over and over in depth in this world more than the vanilla one.
I've also gone through about 5 directional changes in my life in the past 2 years.
I'm a creature who really likes to have established habits and patterns to my life.
The constant about face and reinventions all snowballing on me when I found BDSM has been a daunting consuming thing to undertake too.
I equate my journey, changes, pain, and growth much like a caterpillar's metamorphosis into a butterfly, or the planting and growing of a seed into a tree.
It's not always easy, it can hurt like hell, but in the end it will be a thing of immense fulfillment and wonder when I can spread out and touch the sky.
No pain = no gain IMO, be glad it's hard it means you're moving and following your own evolution into your purpose and fulfillment.
suzanne

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 6

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 7:08:28 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

I think i've had these 'growing pains' ever since i discovered about WIIWD.

At the time, when i was 16, i wasn't sure where my life was going to take me, and i felt like i was standing still. When i discovered it, i felt like my life accelerated, and i began to grow. I think it had to do with the fact that i wasn't being who i really was, and all that.

Since joining this site, i've grown even more, and had too look inside myself deeply to find what i really want and need, and it's not very pretty. There are people on this site that MAKE you look at yourself like that, and it has definitely changed my outlook on life, but most importantly, myself.

_____________________________

He who laughs last didn't get the joke

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 7

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 7:29:42 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

My personal self-introspection began when I was 16. That was when I knew that it was important for me to know myself, because it was apparent that I would probably always be somewhat of a mystery to those around me. If someone had to keep tabs on me, it would have to be me.

Jeff

Jeff, thankyou for your reply. Being a late bloomer, i have much to "unwrite" even as i am "writing" the new. So, i guess there is some mud in my future :-) i can relate to being a mystery to others and being the one to keep tabs on myself, these i have accepted... the acceptance that i may be the only one keeping tabs on myself - thats what is painful. To learn not to "need" another...it is hard.
i would also like to tell you that your "tag" line became my daily mantra on January 1 - the one and only resolution i made, hence the "growing pains".

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 8

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 7:39:19 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Since I have found out about WIITWD I have grown by leaps and bounds. I have dealt with old traumas in a way that furthers my submission. I have also gleened how important it is to choose the right person to submit to. The transformation of self is slightly flabbergasting to me.
So growth for a thinking and feeling human being is inevitable... my submission has just affected the course of it so to speak

juliaoceania,

thankyou for your reply - you and i live parallel lives in many ways :-)
The transformation for me is flabbergasting too on the spiritual, emotional, and physical levels. And as i look at it now - the changes merely look like foundations for the "real" growth that must occur. It has been disheartening to think myself more evolved that i am and finding out the real work lies ahead and within...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 9

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 7:44:20 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

have any others, Dominants and submissives/slaves alike, felt “growing pains” in their personal journeys

Not just yeah, but fuck yeah.

quote:

and if you have – would you be so kind as to share your experience here on this thread?
While I know there are many who consider a good spanking a “growing pain” and humor is always welcome, I am more curious about what growth feels like within as it is occurring and layers of the old are peeled away to expose the new…

Growth feels like...petals being pull away...or layers being pulled off...and each time, I get closer to being the "real" me. Recent growing pains: realizing that I STILL have the inclination to offer collars too early. *sigh* I'm considering not offering collars at all and going to a petition system completely. The REALLY embarrasing thing about this? I already have it in my manual that I want to do this...and just published this fact to the world it that damend book of mine. That I've set this up for myself and then don't follow it makes it abundantly clear that I haven't learned the lesson yet. I'm working on it. I'm embarrased that I don't follow my own manual. I understand that it's not written in stone, but damn...I really should TRY what I want before I decide to not do it, right?

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 10

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 7:52:38 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: swtrayn

So, with all that said, my 'growing pains' have been difficult, enlightening, scarey yet reassuring in many ways.
rayn

rayn,

your post had many valuable insights to me and i truly appreciate your response - i can relate in that i have made several poor choices in regards to a counterpart only in the fact that they could not do what they said they would. But i shoulder equal responsibility because i really needed them to do for me what only i can do for myself. i mistakenly thought a Dominant would bring out the submissive core of me in all its glory and my search for identity would end...i now see how unfair i have been. i have to "know" my identity before i can give it away and the mirror provides a daily reminder of a "jane doe"...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to swtrayn)

Post #: 11

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 7:57:53 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
I can't imagine ever being done with this sort of thing. It sounds like death to me.

gypsygrl,

Excellent point - and i agree wholeheartedly. Most of my life in every venue has been an active quest for knowledge. But i have found some quests are harder and more painful than others and yet they are the most vital...this is where i am.

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 12

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:01:58 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

I equate my journey, changes, pain, and growth much like a caterpillar's metamorphosis into a butterfly, or the planting and growing of a seed into a tree.
It's not always easy, it can hurt like hell, but in the end it will be a thing of immense fulfillment and wonder when I can spread out and touch the sky.
No pain = no gain IMO, be glad it's hard it means you're moving and following your own evolution into your purpose and fulfillment.
suzanne

suzanne,

Of all the wonderful things you shared in your post - the above was quite an inspiration to me and the proverbial "shot in the arm" that i needed this morning - thankyou...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 13

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:04:41 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

Since joining this site, i've grown even more, and had too look inside myself deeply to find what i really want and need, and it's not very pretty. There are people on this site that MAKE you look at yourself like that, and it has definitely changed my outlook on life, but most importantly, myself.

Exactly! And the whole reason i felt the need to post this thread... thankyou

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 14

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:14:39 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

changing into my true self - that's how i would describe my growing pains. Daddy has referred it as a seeding flower through nurturing and love will one day bloom into a lovely rose in His garden. so far this budding rose has learned that she wasn't meant to be as perfect as taught to be ...that she was designed with flaws and all for a purpose. she has also learned that her D/s and vanilla lives need each other to survive and thrive in reaching her potential. what will she learn tomorrow - who knows.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 15

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:23:25 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Growth feels like...petals being pull away...or layers being pulled off...and each time, I get closer to being the "real" me.
Master Fire

Thankyou so much for sharing this... i agree, hence the analogy, but what has been painful to me is the realization that because my spiritual and submissive journey are inextractably linked, the discovery of myself will NEVER be a destination i arrive at, but always a journey and as layers/petals are removed, they only reveal more...
While this in itself is not a bad thing and certainly what i expect, the pain comes from knowing that journeys such as these, while not neccessary to be traveled alone - often are...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 16

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:26:53 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

changing into my true self - that's how i would describe my growing pains. Daddy has referred it as a seeding flower through nurturing and love will one day bloom into a lovely rose in His garden. so far this budding rose has learned that she wasn't meant to be as perfect as taught to be ...that she was designed with flaws and all for a purpose. she has also learned that her D/s and vanilla lives need each other to survive and thrive in reaching her potential. what will she learn tomorrow - who knows.

sambamanslilgirl,
thankyou for sharing this - it is a wonderful example of having someone to help soothe the growing pains while nurturing the growth :-)

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:37:34 AM

bearincuffs

Posts: 1904
Joined: 12/16/2006
Status: offline

I'm finding the growing pains during my journey, especially regarding WIITWD has been both a blessing and a curse. I do have this need to become more self aware and to push myself to be more then what I am. During the process, I force myself to take a hard look at myself and accept many harsh realities I had ignored over the years. It has been a difficult journey to rewrite one's one limits, values, wants, needs and hopes. Many times this has left me feeling emotionally raw, very vulnerable and at times very scared.
It is very tough for a person to admit and accept their own faults and seeing how sometimes we have lived under self delusions of one type or another. Mant times I have even questioned my own sanity! I found with myself, the true me isn't what I had thought. Probably like many others, I have periods where I am filled with self doubt which I don't even trust myself, moreso when I have to deal with personal insecurities and such. The true essence of who I am is being modified and rewritten and much is a vast unknown which is scary and in turn a person relives strong emotional turmoil as they open old scars and uncover issues which were buried and forgotten.
Yet overall, I feel that I become a better person internally and thus externally also. I am able to regain a better sense of inner peace and many of my personal demons have disappeared.
I see my "growing pains" as a double edged sword. it's a process which is painful and frightening and results in a person being more aware of themself, a sense of being complete and a greater sense of inner strength is gained. For me, I know the end result is worth the pain of self discovery.

_____________________________

property of Master Dave of the House of Gemini

An it harm none, do as thou wilt
Do what you will, so long as it harms none
An it harm none, do what thou will
That it harm none, do as thou wilt
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 18

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:50:46 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bearincuffs

I'm finding the growing pains during my journey, especially regarding WIITWD has been both a blessing and a curse. I do have this need to become more self aware and to push myself to be more then what I am. During the process, I force myself to take a hard look at myself and accept many harsh realities I had ignored over the years. It has been a difficult journey to rewrite one's one limits, values, wants, needs and hopes. Many times this has left me feeling emotionally raw, very vulnerable and at times very scared.
It is very tough for a person to admit and accept their own faults and seeing how sometimes we have lived under self delusions of one type or another. Mant times I have even questioned my own sanity! I found with myself, the true me isn't what I had thought. Probably like many others, I have periods where I am filled with self doubt which I don't even trust myself, moreso when I have to deal with personal insecurities and such. The true essence of who I am is being modified and rewritten and much is a vast unknown which is scary and in turn a person relives strong emotional turmoil as they open old scars and uncover issues which were buried and forgotten.
Yet overall, I feel that I become a better person internally and thus externally also. I am able to regain a better sense of inner peace and many of my personal demons have disappeared.
I see my "growing pains" as a double edged sword. it's a process which is painful and frightening and results in a person being more aware of themself, a sense of being complete and a greater sense of inner strength is gained. For me, I know the end result is worth the pain of self discovery.

bearincuffs.
i am in awe of your post - thankyou...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to bearincuffs)

Post #: 19

RE: Growing pains? - 3/8/2007 8:55:06 AM

swtrayn

Posts: 222
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bearincuffs

Many times this has left me feeling emotionally raw, very vulnerable and at times very scared.

It is very tough for a person to admit and accept their own faults and seeing how sometimes we have lived under self delusions of one type or another.

That is more true for me then I would ever want to admit.
Thank you for the wonderful post and sharing such a deep personal thing.

rayn

_____________________________

"I tried to contain myself -- I escaped..."

"Make sure brain is engaged before SEND key is released"

"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."--Lucille Ball

(in reply to bearincuffs)

Post #: 20

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