Question About Desire for Service (Full Version)

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undergroundsea -> Question About Desire for Service (3/10/2007 6:54:34 AM)

I am fond of service and would like to hear thoughts of others who enjoy it. By service here I mean service that intends to provide convenience through some form of labor: cleaning, attentiveness, chores, etc.

If you have faced a situation where your motivation to serve in this manner was deflated, what do you think caused you to feel that way?

What creates or enhances your motivation to serve?

Thanks for your contribution to this thread.

Cheers,

Sea



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/10/2007 8:29:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
I am fond of service and would like to hear thoughts of others who enjoy it. By service here I mean service that intends to provide convenience through some form of labor: cleaning, attentiveness, chores, etc.

I am oriented towards fulfillment through service.

quote:

If you have faced a situation where your motivation to serve in this manner was deflated, what do you think caused you to feel that way?

Gosh it could be anything from not having enough sleep, my mother being in the hospital, not having anything to eat all day, just having had a fight, being on PMS, having had a car accident, or perhaps long term struggles in the relationship.

There's also a difference between not motivated to serve at THAT particular moment, and not actually serving or being fulfilled through serving over the long term.

quote:

What creates or enhances your motivation to serve?

See above- happy, calm, stable Liz = really motivated to serve right then Liz

NOT happy calm stable Liz = less motivated to serve in the moment Liz



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/10/2007 9:15:38 AM)

I'm reading a book that Master Fire Ma'am often recommends called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  I realize that one way I show my love/caring/affection for someone is through acts of service.  I have always enjoyed cooking for others, whether it's a meal or making baked goods/desserts/candies for special occasions or just because.

In a relationship, I have a deep longing to just do things to make His life easier and more enjoyable... whether it's cooking, laundry, running errands, massage, sex.... anything.  I'm not just service oriented - I guess I'm a multi-faceted slave in that I feel the desire to serve in any and all capacities.  I'd probably be most fulfilled just staying home and taking care of Him, the house, etc... although it may take a little getting used to not working outside the home.

But because He and I don't get to see each other as often as I'd like due to not living together and His work schedule, I'm often left feeling unfulfilled or useless to Him because I can't be there to "do" for Him.  We talk everyday and He'll talk/vent to me about everything He has on His plate, and/or just being overworked and tired.  In some ways, I die a little bit inside each time I hear these things because I want so badly to be there "doing" something to help Him and make things easier and less stressful for Him.

So I become stressed that I can't do more for Him, but I'm serving Him in little ways that make a difference to Him, and I suppose that's what counts isn't it? [;)]  Our situation isn't ideal for either of us right now, but life does tend to get in the way of life sometimes. 



ownedgirlie -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/10/2007 11:47:20 AM)

I had to learn to serve his way, not my way.  Once I could accept that, there were no motivation issues.



raevnn -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/10/2007 5:46:12 PM)

I really enjoy pleasing people and making their lives easier.

If nothing I do ever seems to make a difference, that, I think, might cause me to not enjoy serving.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/10/2007 11:41:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I am fond of service and would like to hear thoughts of others who enjoy it. By service here I mean service that intends to provide convenience through some form of labor: cleaning, attentiveness, chores, etc.

If you have faced a situation where your motivation to serve in this manner was deflated, what do you think caused you to feel that way?

What creates or enhances your motivation to serve?

Thanks for your contribution to this thread.

Cheers,

Sea


What had ended most past relationships is when my partner has taken my service for granted and believes that I'm interchangeable with any other service submissive. I don't know an easier way to end a relationship with me than to "warn" me that I'm insignificant and "hundreds of men would kill to be where you are right now". I will probably go into autopilot right then and there and wish her great luck with one of those hundreds of other men who no longer have to kill to be where I just was. I know it sounds really bad, and all sorts of submissives will throw a holy fit at this and all sorts of dominants will claim this is just beyond acceptability. That's fine. But that's how it usually works out.



Elorin -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 4:05:39 AM)

When I am particularly happy, I want to serve. I want him to be happy also. When he and I have had a really good time at a party, nightclub, or just hanging out at home, I want to serve as a way of saying thank you. When I am feeling overwhelmed by love, or a need to feel submissive, I want to serve to express those emotions.
When other things in my life are unsettled and confusing, I want to serve to help center and calm myself without him having to exert some huge effort on my part.

However, when he and I are fighting, my desire to serve is very low. When we have been "vanilla" and I am frustrated because there doesn't appear to be any kink on the horizon, my desire to serve is low. When I am sick, and when I am very worried, my desire to serve is low. Physical exhaustion can sometimes lower my desire to serve, and sometimes just my ability to serve.

However, except for physical exhaustion and sickness, I get a great benefit from serving regardless of my desire. Overcoming petulance or unwillingness to serve and serving anyway is almost always calming, centering, and gratifying - especially if he thanks me afterwards.

~E




eyesopened -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 5:36:48 AM)

Service is the thing that allows me to be unique, special, and fulfilled.  To me, it is not satisfying to be nothing more than a set of holes or a target or anything where i could easily be interchanged with any other sub or slave.  i'm not against occassional objectification but there have been times when i felt like a paper towel.  By that i mean, necessary and useful at the time but really only the next towel on the roll and not any more special than the one before me or the one after me.  SERVICE gives me the opportunity to feel whole, complete and again, special.




Saint -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 5:54:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I am fond of service and would like to hear thoughts of others who enjoy it. By service here I mean service that intends to provide convenience through some form of labor: cleaning, attentiveness, chores, etc.

If you have faced a situation where your motivation to serve in this manner was deflated, what do you think caused you to feel that way?

What creates or enhances your motivation to serve?

Thanks for your contribution to this thread.

Cheers,

Sea


Hmm, what caused me to feel that way? I have asked myself this question endlessly and it comes to two conclusions. 1) The feeling of being taken advantage of because the person you are doing these things for truly doesnt care and 2) When the best service they feel you  can provide involves how large your paycheck is at the end of the week.

A bit cynical perhaps, but over and over for the last 4 years that is all I have encountered. Do you know how much it deflates your desire to provide service for another when all you find are people who only care about what monetary gain you can give them?



lighthearted -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 6:23:42 AM)

in general, I'm oriented to serving others.  I've mentioned it before here, it's something I'm wired to do.  whether or not they express appreciation, thanks etc, isn't really important to me, it's the act itself that gives me satisfaction.  it doesn't really have anything to do with what my mood is either...in fact, nothing lifts my spirits more when I'm having a bad day than to do something that helps another person.

in the context of D/s, I view each opportunity I'm with Master as a way to serve him as he chooses.  he understands that this is my nature, and the satisfaction I derive from it.  in my relationship with him, I can't recall an instance to where I've felt "deflated", as we do a good job of keeping the lines of communication open. 

that being, said, I understand the feeling completely, as I have been in relationships in the past where the other person did not understand this basic need of mine.  the deflated feeling was present whenever I perceived them to be unable to accept anything I had to give in terms of service...meaning, they considered themselves to be so low-maintenance or self-sufficient that there wasn't anything I could do for them.  they were also 'nilla relationships, and before I had discovered D/s, so at the time I didn't have an adequate way of expressing my wants or understanding what I was feeling...I could only interpret it as the other person not wanting me.  also, at those points in my life, I didn't realize that I am, as I mentioned initially, wired to serve, and hence didn't understand there were other ways for me to satisfy that need, albeit on a less personal and satisfying level.



undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 10:10:57 AM)

Thanks for the all the responses!

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Gosh it could be anything from not having enough sleep, my mother being in the hospital, not having anything to eat all day, just having had a fight, being on PMS, having had a car accident, or perhaps long term struggles in the relationship.

There's also a difference between not motivated to serve at THAT particular moment, and not actually serving or being fulfilled through serving over the long term.


Sure, I understand and can relate about the effect of circumstances. I particularly struggle with PMS. [8D]

I once visisted a domme/friend. Some visits were in the capacity of a friend whereas some involved BDSM activity. On one trip, which had until then been a friend trip, she asked me to do some cleaning. I was detached from the moment, distracted by what lay on my plate back at work, and was questioning my decision to have stayed an extra day. However, during the course of cleaning she invoked a subspace that brought me into the moment. Before this invocation, I was in a friend mindspace and the cleaning felt little different than it would if I were visiting a friend who asked me to clean.

For me, the more directly focused the service is on the domme, more clear the fulfillment and more easily I can operate from within. As the service moves further from her, the fulfillment lessens in comparison. That is just how it is--it is not a conscious choice. As the fulfillment lessens, I need to rely more on a sense of duty only. Whereas fulfillment is energizing, working from a sense of duty alone (I am having difficulty doing this but I should do it anyway) requires energy, which is more sensitive to circumstances.

If you would comment further, what would make you feel unfulfilled over the long term when circumstances otherwise allow the right mindset?

Cheers,

Sea



undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 10:22:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

I'm reading a book that Master Fire Ma'am often recommends called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  I realize that one way I show my love/caring/affection for someone is through acts of service.


Ah, yes. I have heard about the book but have not read it. If it is the same book, the five ways people give and receive affection are: (1) verbal affirmation, (2) touch, (3) acts of service, (4) gifts, and (5) sharing quality time.

For you, how does expressing love through service compare to receiving love in the form of service?

What needs do you associate with expressing love through service (eg. acknowledgement, reciprocation through an appropriate mode) to remain content?

Cheers,

Sea



undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 10:31:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I had to learn to serve his way, not my way.  Once I could accept that, there were no motivation issues.


Thanks for your post. I take that to mean you had a way of doing things, and put away your routine in favor of his routine, yes? How hard or easy was it to realign your perspective?

And if we go a level deeper, what in the first place motivates you to serve him his way?

Cheers,

Sea



undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 10:40:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: raevnn
If nothing I do ever seems to make a difference, that, I think, might cause me to not enjoy serving.


Would you say the root satisfaction you get from service is that you are making a positive contribution to someone's life that makes a difference?

If you would comment more, what determines how you feel about whether your service is making a difference--how much do you rely on your assessment of the difference you are making, and how much do you rely on feedback from the recipient of service? For you, what is an appropriate frequency and mode of expression of feedback?

Cheers,

Sea



undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 10:48:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
I know it sounds really bad, and all sorts of submissives will throw a holy fit at this and all sorts of dominants will claim this is just beyond acceptability. That's fine. But that's how it usually works out.


It does not sound bad to me at all. I feel similarly in that basic respect is important to me. That said, I have wondered if I could accept some level of disregard (for sake of masochism) if I present myself in the relationship as an anonymous role (by anonymous I mean not my whole self and personality but just the role). The thought process behind this idea is whether removing my self will help lessen the injury or insult caused by disregard because it will not be directed at who I am but at a role.

Cheers,

Sea



goodpet -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 10:50:04 AM)

When i wrote out my code of ethics as a submissive/slave (motivated and modified from a presentation by slave marsha), one of the statements is that everything i do is an act of service. It either enhances the relationship or is a detriment to it.  When i feel unmotivated i remember that statement and realize that what ever i do in the next moment with either help or hinder the relationship. From there i strive to simply do the next right thing. 

There are times i don't feel up to doing service for the sake of service or even for Captain's pleasure.. but when i think of the statement, then i feel up to doing it because it is just the next right thing to do.

Sounds kind of sappy or cliché but it works for me..




undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 11:33:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin
When we have been "vanilla" and I am frustrated because there doesn't appear to be any kink on the horizon, my desire to serve is low.


I relate to how you respond. At any given time, my desire to serve may be a different combination of multiple reasons: to please, express submission, for sake fondness, and for sake of the gratification I feel. I do find a calm feeling in some types of service.

If you would elaborate on the text quoted above, are you able to recognize why you feel as such? Is it because the lack of kink creates general discontent and general discontent lessens the desire to serve, or is it because the desire to serve lies amidst kinky wiring and needs kink for renewal?

Cheers,

Sea



asubboi -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 11:34:08 AM)

service is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  we all know what it should be, and what we desire, but not anyone i know of has actually achieved the level of service that i speak of.  like seven days to the week, this is something that most people find as a solid statement.  wether i meet a dominant or not, no-one is capable of standing up to the challenges of owning this.  first comes the greed and the self tests of the people that believe they can own own others, then comes the fear of the unknown that holds this leash, not one has risen above any of these things to claim the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and from here it looks like noone ever will.  the pressures of life, not only can we not live how we would like to live, but we have to be spoonfed every thought so that we can confirm to something that is in reality, quiet sickly.  barbarian or civilized, is that the problem for this puppy.  sometimes the lines are very blurred and only those on the outside can see the truth to who is who.  But who can speak about these things, after all it is only the gods themselves that are corrupted enough to support the sickly.  *sighs* 
from the corruption of the church of the old days, that would never allow any human on the planet to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh to the corruption of the new with the ascended man that believes that noviolence is the answer to any problem, these are the actions of the so called gods of this world.  service became something instead of pleasure, but more of something that would look and present a great feel, only for the majority to realize that they were conned into living something that is in reality poisened so that we would learn our lessons for persuing the pleasures of the flesh.  all for the belief of the mistaken, for it was these ascended that joined hands with the lord of chaos.  the one that gave man the idea of 'sit and stay'.  a lesson for the people to learn about the pleasures of the world and also a way for no-violence to control all on the planet.  even those that do the burning just think that they are enjoying service, as all those on the other end can clearly see, that there ideas are not rooted in solid earth.  yes the dominants pain does show, and most know but do their best to conceal it. 
life is boring, and most will latch on to anything to improve the quality of how they live.  and after all these natural life pressures comes the unnatural.  an intended attempt to confuse and add more pressure to the mind, something alien that appears too hard to comprehend, but fact is only that the ascended would prefer not to teach and rather to break.  the ascended, those men that have risen above the challenges of the barbarians to ascend to the realms and powers of the .... i would prefer not to put the words next to the thought of these people.  (allthough some are now trying, whilst others will never change.)
ascended like a paradox - we ascended in power to become worse than animal.  like starting on a journey and climbing upward a thousand kilometres, only to end up below were you started.  
oh subspace, such a great thing.  bah, submission and the art of pleasure.  bdsm means nothing to me.  it is just the letters that spells it b.d.s.m.  in gibberish that means be a d, snake for a top.  something coded so that all the ascended can clearly show us what they think of those that wish to persue the art of pleasure.  its not like we are human and would like to persue human things, that make us feel good and smile.  in fact we are not human and would like to live a lifetime of confinement and utter suffering through inadequecy, financial shortfall and complete suffering.  as commonly though amongst the brightest in the country, life is only a gameshow and we get the prize when we die.  bah, here my middle finger and something a little uncivilized for you suck on - f**k you.




ForestPrincess -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 11:35:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin

However, except for physical exhaustion and sickness, I get a great benefit from serving regardless of my desire. Overcoming petulance or unwillingness to serve and serving anyway is almost always calming, centering, and gratifying - especially if he thanks me afterwards.

~E


This is what i call going above and beyond... overcoming your own fatigued mental, emotional and physical capacity and still giving good service.  That's when people really recognize and appeciate you more than ever.  i think a dominant *really* likes to see that.  And if they don't show some appreciation for me (not what i did as much as for me doing it) after some time of that level or giving, devotion and determination, that is the time i begin to question their motives and attitude.

princess



undergroundsea -> RE: Question About Desire for Service (3/11/2007 11:37:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened
i'm not against occassional objectification but there have been times when i felt like a paper towel.  By that i mean, necessary and useful at the time but really only the next towel on the roll and not any more special than the one before me or the one after me. 


If you are comfortable to give an example or elaborate, what actions or response by the recipient of service led to the feeling described above?

Cheers,

Sea



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