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collar me - 3/10/2007 8:45:15 AM

litlgirl

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

I have been in a rocky D/s relationship for a few months. I am being given one more chance to earn my collar back, which I desperately want, but don't know what I can do to earn it back. My Dom's criticisms of me are so hurtful sometimes that it's almost impossible for me not to react or defend myself. I seem to almost never say anything right. On the other hand he is very kind and soulful and dear to me. Any advice for how to relax into this and find ways to please him?

Post #: 1

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 8:49:07 AM

bayboundse

Posts: 288
Joined: 10/29/2005
From: Oak Ridge, TN
Status: offline

my advice is to sit down with your Dom and find out what his wants and needs are. If you meet those things and he still complains then maybe thats just his character.

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 8:49:14 AM

TwoSpirits

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

If you are willing to be his slave and serve him as he wishes, ask him to formally train you. If he has been living this lifestyle for a while, he should have a list of prerequisites. I have my main rules on paper and make sure every new prospective slave reads and initials that she understands them before we even begin to discuss collars.

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 9:59:21 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Yish. Okay, I don't know the particulars, but on first blush, I have to say to you hon - just walk away.

Look - about fifteen years back, I was owned by someone who was very hard to please, and who was often free with her criticisms. Some of it was deserved, but a lot of it wasn't. She discovered that I was so desperate for approval, she could make me do almost anything by threatening to end the relationship if I didn't comply. I have no toerance for this sort of behavior. If this dom is jerking you around by threatening to dismiss you, it may be that he isn't holding up his end of the bargain. A relationship requires two people, and the failing may be his, not yours.

Like I said, I don't have the details, so I could well be speaking out of turn, but that is what your dilemma sounds like to me.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 10:07:43 AM

MasterGrayWolf60

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I have to agree with Suleiman. I'm very familiar with this type of unhealthy treatment. First rule to remember in life is, a "relationship" is a "relationship" no matter how you label it. If this were a vanilla relationship, everyone would think you were insane to stay with him in the first place. Being a D/s situation, not one iota of difference.

Useing the relationship as a weapon, which is what your so-called Dom is blatantly doing, is out right unhealthy. Abusive people are super nice and super sweet and come across as very lovable, until the button gets pressed and they become abusive in ways healthy people in healthy relationships don't.

If anyone uses the relationship as a threat, that is abuse, plain, clear, simple unhealthy abuse in the bad way.

Doms have a responsability for the health, safety, and well being of their subs, period. What he's doing is none of that. Leave the jerk. I see absolutly no excuse for that type of behavior. Start thinking "relationship" rather than "D/s" and you'll see clearly. Because D/s is just the pretty wrapping we put on a "relationship".

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 5

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 10:19:54 AM

toughmaster007

Posts: 10
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

Well, I would say the first thing to find out is if he is so upset with your behavior and if he really feels you are completely not worth being his slave why does he want to give you a second chance. And of course why did he give you his collar in first place? I believe if someone were to call himself a master - he should be more clear. Be capable of clearly and concisely expressing his desires / requirements to his slave and capable of training her to serve him the best. And even now, you don't know how to earn that collar back clearly indicates he has not clearly put forth the rules for taking you back.

I am not completely sure of all the details. But from what I could read in your post - something doesn't sound right about this thing.

(in reply to MasterGrayWolf60)

Post #: 6

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 1:33:59 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Um I dont think I would want to take a collar if the relationship was so rocky. That is the first thing that strikes me and since others have mentioned the other things IM gunna go with that. if the realtionship is unstable and rocky you want to eather get out of it or stabalise and fix it, You dont want to get further into it its just unhealthy.

Magiks's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to toughmaster007)

Post #: 7

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 1:46:29 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

Ditto all of the above esp. what TwoSpirits and Suleiman have to say.

MNN

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 8

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 1:54:11 PM

valeca

Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Um I dont think I would want to take a collar if the relationship was so rocky. That is the first thing that strikes me and since others have mentioned the other things IM gunna go with that. if the realtionship is unstable and rocky you want to eather get out of it or stabalise and fix it, You dont want to get further into it its just unhealthy.

Magiks's slave

Yep, I agree with this, and pretty much everything else mentioned. Work on fixing the relationship at the roots first. Nothing can flourish with rotten roots. I wouldn't even consider taking a collar in a rocky relationship, but that's just me.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 9

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 1:57:34 PM

FukinTroll

Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litlgirl

I have been in a rocky D/s relationship for a few months. I am being given one more chance to earn my collar back, which I desperately want, but don't know what I can do to earn it back. My Dom's criticisms of me are so hurtful sometimes that it's almost impossible for me not to react or defend myself. I seem to almost never say anything right. On the other hand he is very kind and soulful and dear to me. Any advice for how to relax into this and find ways to please him?

Lock up his evil twin.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 2:04:31 PM

MasterDesire

Posts: 45
Joined: 1/20/2005
Status: offline

If someone can not appreciate your efforts and your desires to be as he wants then mayeb he is the one who is wrong not you. So many in this life seem to think they are God but then who am I to judge. If you have tried and can not provide him with the life he seeks then walk away while you can. You never know what may happen in the future. I do hope you did everything right in checking him out first before you moved with him. I am finding more and more in this life are here for the abuse they can give to another only.

< Message edited by MasterDesire -- 3/10/2007 2:07:03 PM >

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 11

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 2:07:33 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Are his criticisms unwaranted? You said they are hurtful, but are they also unnecessary? He must see some sort of promise in you, or else he would not be giving you another chance to earn back your collar. Perhaps what you need to do is listen to the criticism without taking offense, as an attempt to help you become better in your chosen station rather than an attack. If he is the type that criticises everything, good or bad, then you need to talk to him and see if you can devise a way of communicating his actual desires for things for you to change, and those he is just blowing off steam about. Perhaps he believes that you are or were into the idea of humiliation and verbal degredation and his way of speaking to you reflected that.
Before you go too far out of your way to regain the collar, you have to figure out where the problem is stemming from. Is it something you can fix, or you can both work on? Is it even really something you can be confident wil remain fixed for more than a short term? Talk to him, find out what he wants and expects, and ask HIM what you need to do, learn or adjust to earn back his trust and his collar. If he cant answer that, then the roblem might not be on your side, and the relationship might benefit from some time off, if not a permanent split.

My 2 cents
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to FukinTroll)

Post #: 12

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 2:15:45 PM

Stunning

Posts: 76
Joined: 7/16/2004
Status: offline

Get out. It's not going anywhere good.

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 2:34:31 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

You've been in a relationship all of a few months and have not only earned a collar but lost it as well?? I must say, that is a bit quick for either happening. A collar is not just to say you sub to someone. It is a deep commitment akin to an engagement ring or marriage. The fact that this guy offered one so soon is a red flag to me. His non positive way of instructing you (criticism) is also worrisome. Please go read http://www.sscn.org/abuse.html about BDSM vs Abuse

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 3:37:06 PM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

There is degradation because you enjoy it, and there is just down right verbal abuse. If he continually steps beyond what you are comfortable and you have to defend yourself, I would say step away from the relationship.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 15

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 4:33:14 PM

RLowner

Posts: 23
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline

I have to wonder about the increase abuse we see in this life style increasing so much. Is it that we do not check out our future partner being Master Domme slave or sub. Or is it that we are so happy that someone wanted us and we don't take the time to do a complete back ground check. That being criminal history, employment and so on. It is a shame so many fall for the ones that turn out bad and justify abuse as a part of domination over someon who is not knowing enough to run for her or his life. Do not ever rush in to anything. Always remember it is easy to play on line behind the screen and show a picture that maybe fake, of a web cam showing just what is intended to show. The basic rule is your safety is paramont in any case over anything else.

Remember no one owns your right to walk away, and if they try to force you to stay, well call the authorities before you may be gone forever.

< Message edited by RLowner -- 3/10/2007 4:45:04 PM >

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 16

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 5:02:00 PM

Mortisnight

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/1/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

Sub or not, there is nothing wrong with walking away from a bad relationship. Especially if he causes you pain.. and not in the way you want it. If you really want to stay in this relationship and feel that it can get better.. then I would take TwoSpirits' advice and ask him to train you. If he refuses to or can't.. then he's not a very good dom.

_____________________________

www.myspace.com/sicknoise
www.myspace.com/archangelmydnight
www.myspace.com/spankcandy

(in reply to RLowner)

Post #: 17

RE: collar me - 3/10/2007 7:33:35 PM

MsParados

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline

Before I join the pity party.......... How long is a few months? when did you get the collar and what does it mean to you both... I know some think the collar is the kink wedding ring but to some it is a sign of monogomy to others it is just jewelry.
You said you can never say anything right.... is he asking trick questions and screwing w/ your mind by contradiction or are you just talking to much and should be listening more.
Have you both talked about these feelings and he is ignoring you or did you come here first?
Not all Doms have a set list of rules; alot have habits and prefrences that must be learned and yes sometimes it feels like jumping through hoops but it keeps you sharp and eventually you settle into the routine. Just a few things to ponder.

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 12:38:43 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

What is he saying and why? Depending on what and why he is saying it, it could be an issue. Not saying it is, just saying you should take a look and decide if his collar is worth having.

I am overweight. I admit that. I'm working on losing it. I have lost some and I'll lose more. Valyraen takes the approach of "Well, you are a bit jiggly, but it's more to love!" He commands me to go to martial arts because I forget to go otherwise. However, he never says "You fat pig! Get your ass out exercising because you disgust me!" That would be emotional abuse.

Consider what is being said and why. It could be very important.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to MsParados)

Post #: 19

RE: collar me - 3/11/2007 6:05:56 AM

lighthearted

Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

does your dom know that what he is saying is hurtful to you, or does he only know that you get angry? your profile sez you're 36 years old...I would say, draw on the communication skills you have hopefully attained at this point in your life, try and approach the situation a bit less emotionally and TALK to your dominant about what you are feeling.

good luck.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to litlgirl)

Post #: 20

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