RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions"

RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:50:38 PM)
I never thought you were harsh, sub4hire. This is one reason I hesitate sometimes, to bring stuff like this up - especially when a responsible type reads it - because they're never who I am referring to anyway (or extremely rarely). Because the first person some submisssives blame will be themselves. Sometimes, maybe justified - more ofen, though maybe not, IMO. I dunno. I think it's my mood or something. I am not expecting a miracle. I just sort of woke up and went "why does this stuff happen"? In general. I mean theoretically, I know why. And it's not gonna make me commit hari-kari, or anything. I think it's just kind of sad, and wearying, sometimes, to see. Enough said by me, though. -Susan

justheather -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:51:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO People don't like remarks to be called un-productive and bitchy. I get that. Well, some really are sometimes, no matter how they want to dress it up, IMO. - Susan I will agree with this. But...I will add that sometimes the presentation of reality to someone who is not open to that reality is interpreted by said person as an insult, attack or bitch-out. It troubles me when people read criticism, filter it through their own issues (often the very ones being pointed out by the villian) and characterize the criticism in broad, vague and awfulized strokes, such as the term "worthless", as much as it troubles you when people are mean to one another. I can not think of one single time I have read a person expressing something that amounts to calling a person worthless on these forums. There are some people who will immediately translate any criticism it into an insult of their character or intelligence or honor or whatever. That I have seen here. I have seen in in Borderline Personality Disorder patients in a clinical setting. I have seen it in people who have unhealthy boundaries all my life. Sometimes when people present what seem to be drama-filled situations on a message board, the people who have a low drama threshold respond with a certain edge. That isnt because they think the person worthless, but rather because they see that kind of drama as a waste of time. I agree that it might be better if people just ignored the drama threads and didnt post to them at all. I also think some people are just mean assholes. It would no doubt benefit a person to attempt to foster real-time relationships or even private email/chat relationships with people they perceive as trustworthy and well-balanced as opposed to relying on message board personae for advice with their sometimes very serious personal problems.

SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:52:39 PM)
I agree with you heather. I know there are people here who have that stuff going on (bi-polar, other medical issue stuff that could be out of control. It's not their fault - unless they're skipping meds, etc. There's not a lot anyobody can probably do about it. It's good you're a nurse, though (and can see it). I mean do try to like everybody. And God knows I've had an occasional lapse and gotten "moody". But not that often. I don't know what to make of some folks like you mention - I mean if you help, you might get in a real mess. If nobody tries to help, then somebody else eats 'em alive - it can get hard to watch. A lot of the time I don't notice, though. It's not just those folks, though, either. God I am in the weirdest mood ever, lately, I swear. I never thought about this stuff this much before. I do need some extra sleep. I still think it's a worthy topic though. And isn't mean to point fingers at anyone, no matter what anyone might think. - Susan

asubmissiveheart -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:53:36 PM)
I am glad that you started this thread Susan. The consensus seems to be that there are people who delight in belittling others around here and they needed to be called out. If nothing else, I am glad so many commented on that fact alone.

kyraofMists -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:53:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite Hey, kyra =) I'm not saying that it's impossible to have good communication with some people online. But it's just no substitute for reality. Being a 12 year veteran of all kinds of message board, I've also had wonderful discussions. But think of how much more rich and full these online friendships could be if they were face-face. The fact that my post struck you as highly narrow-minded just illustrates my point. Why would you assume me to be highly narrow minded from one short paragraph? lol. Cheers, Stella The friendship would not exist if it was limited to face to face so it would not be more rich and fulfiling. In fact, I would be missing out on a lot that I do receive from it. Limiting reality to face to face interaction is narrow minded to me, so I don't see how I illustrate your point at all. I am just glad that my reality allows room for communication that is not just face to face. I am a better person for all types of communication that I engage in. Knight's kyra

sub4hire -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 6:57:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO I dunno. I think it' smy mood or something. I am not expecting a miracle. I just sort of woke up and went "why does this stuff happen"? In general. I mean theoretically, I know why. And it's not gonna make me commit hari-kari, or anything. I think it's just kind of sad, and wearying, sometimes, to see. Enough said by me, though. -Susan Susan I know you were not referring to me in any way. I stayed away from the other thread because I didn't have anything good to offer. You and I have spoken in the past. You are an adult. You can make your own decisions...and we all make mistakes. Like you said in the original post, just some of us don't feel the need to share with the world. Anyway the reason people are like that is because they are not your friends. Your friends will be blunt, but they will also care about you. Where on the message board people will be blunt without that caring. These boards are not one big happy family and they never will be. There are always going to be strangers in the mix. Nothing anyone can do about that but accept it and understand it.

justheather -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:03:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO It's good you're a nurse, though (and can see it). - Susan Well, yes and no. I left psych nursing because that kind of thing pushes my buttons, which is also about my issues. My response was meant in general terms as far as behaviors and people's responses. I really try very hard to stay out of threads where I sense my buttons are being pushed. Sometimes I get drawn in anyway. I agree with the person who said it can be as much about the person responding's issues as it is about the issues of the initial poster.

SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:06:47 PM)
asubmissiveheart: Thank you.I appreciate that. It is truly a general thread, not aimed at particular folks at all. heather: You and me both. We are true water signs (not to be corny about horoscopes). I will generally avoid stuff like that. Who needs the hassles? Every once a while, I get a wild hair, or am really into a topic, and will go on and on (there was a euthanasia thread a few weeks ago I did that on). sub4 hire: Well that's true. I apppreciate the comments. Oh I know that. But I still think some could be less prickly, sometimes (not you). I didn't mean to make introverts feel defensive, either (hell, supposedly acc. to every Myers-Briggs test I take, I am one, even though nobody ever believes me). I can't buy that anyone would really say: Gosh, we just can't post about certain topics w/the obvious excedption being TOS stuff). Not that anyone would pay attention, of course. I gotta love cloudboy. I think he may have read this thread, and then purposely posted a potentially explosive topic - his CIAW thread. If so, I just think that is too funny. Or may be he just wanted to see what people would say.It is a wonderful topic for allowing people to state their views and see if they can agree to disagree, without chewing eachother up and spitting eachother out. - Susan

ownedgirlie -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:16:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO 4. Doesn't it ever, ever occur to these types of people that sometimes people just need to vent? Without reading the entire OP or the entire thread, I am only going to reply to this part. In fact, I'm going to say what I deleted in a post on a different thread. Is it venting or asking a question? If it's venting, then there's really nothing to respond to because the OP is just letting off steam. If it's a question, then it's open to all responses - positive and negative. If it starts out as a question, then the OP doesn't like the answers so claims it was just venting, then later says okay it was really questions, I am disinclined to reply any further, as the situation is totally confused. So all I will say here is yes, people can vent. People can also ask questions. And the two are different, so I think the OP should know which it is when the thread is created. Most threads start out as questions, so I think the majority of responders respond as such.

SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:18:40 PM)
It's venting. Next time (if there is one, hopefully I don't have hundreds of venting threads)I will state that - it was a good suggestion (someone esle suggested it, too)But I do thinnk it's pretty pertinent as a topic, too. - Susan

juliaoceania -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:22:13 PM)
quote: It would no doubt benefit a person to attempt to foster real-time relationships or even private email/chat relationships with people they perceive as trustworthy and well-balanced as opposed to relying on message board personae for advice with their sometimes very serious personal problems. Having submissives to talk to in private, my best friend for example, and one or two from this very board, has been a life saver for me when I feel the need to vent, rant, and express misgivings to someone. I do not know what I would do without gal pals to communicate with and I am very grateful to those who have opened up to me and that I have opened up to. I would say this is about the best advice I have seen on this thread. We all have concerns and dramas... It seems wiser to me to talk about sensitive things with people I trust in a private setting.. people who have displayed trustworthiness and good judgment... and there are a few on this very thread I have found to be discrete and kind sort of people.

SusanofO -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 7:24:39 PM)
Well that is probably true. That is very good advice for people reading this. There are topics I'd never discuss here on the boards. Thjere is some stuff that is definitely beetter for a private venue. Sometimes, it's a real judgment call (not many times,but a few). If I post about it, it usually is because I think somebody else might benefit, perhaps, from seeing it. Maybe not. Has anyone really watched a rush of incoming newbie folks and what they read? A lot of them apprear to read a Lot of threads (I notice by nics I've not seen before moving all over the place). They are information hounds, apparently, a lot of them. Good for them. - Susan

wireweaver -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 8:34:00 PM)
quote: It would no doubt benefit a person to attempt to foster real-time relationships or even private email/chat relationships with people they perceive as trustworthy and well-balanced as opposed to relying on message board personae for advice with their sometimes very serious personal problems. Having submissives to talk to in private, my best friend for example, and one or two from this very board, has been a life saver for me when I feel the need to vent, rant, and express misgivings to someone. I do not know what I would do without gal pals to communicate with and I am very grateful to those who have opened up to me and that I have opened up to. I would say this is about the best advice I have seen on this thread. We all have concerns and dramas... It seems wiser to me to talk about sensitive things with people I trust in a private setting.. people who have displayed trustworthiness and good judgment... and there are a few on this very thread I have found to be discrete and kind sort of people. i agree julie, so where does someone new to all of this go to find another slave to turn to for guidance and support? it is almost like going on a trip and having no map...

MzMia -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 8:43:05 PM)
This is such a great topic, Susan. I have found that many in this lifestyle are harsh and less than supportive. It is sad and odd, you would expect birds of a similar feather to attempt to flock together. Over all, I have not seen that on this boards. If you are not in the in-crowd, and have not been here a certain length of time, you are often not treated well. I sit back in amazement at the level of hostility I often see here. I don't understand it, and I understand why MANY do not post here. To be honest, I had been reading the boards for YEARS before I made any posts, because of this reason. I am glad you brought the darkness to light, I doubt it will change many if any, but I am glad the issue is being addressed. As you said, there are people that want and need to get information and ask questions. I don't understand the level of negativity and hostility that is often displayed here. As it has been said, if you don't like the post or the topic, don't read it.

juliaoceania -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 8:50:19 PM)
wireweaver, one of my best buddies is a political activist that got in touch with her submissiveness about the same time I got in touch with mine. The friendship was already established. The other couple of people I have chatted with online about this, one I met a couple of years ago on a forum for bdsm, and there are a couple of people I talk to from this forum in private message because there was a chemistry there. There are a few others that I would love to meet in real life if the opportunity presents itself. Any relationship that one forms happens because of chemistry... something "clicks" and it just happens... I did not seek it either.

MzMia -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 8:51:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO Well, I agree that everone has a bona-fide "right" to post. That really wasn't my point. I guess my point is that it's prefectly obvious to me that some people have no intention of helping anyone, and they make that perfectly clear with the mean-spitiedness of their responses. To actaully try to veil this under the cloak of "help" is ludicrous. At least call it what it is - your personal entertainment and need to feed your ego. A need to feel bigger at someone else's expense. That's "Domly?" No - that's immaturity, IMO. Who needs or wants, a Dominant like that? Not me, that's for sure. I am not talking about objective opinion that may have a difference of opinion re: What the poster has stated, or one that takes a second look at what has been said and says: "Well, maybe this is what actually happened and you just didn't think about it this way" or "Hey, this is another view"...etc. I mean a different opinion expressed with some degree of reasonableness. I see that, I can see both sides of an issue, and I realize there are folks out there with more experience than I've got. Othe rpeople should probably be able tol see that, too. That is NOT what I am referring to here. As for the folks who just never see a need to post about a problem, or see any of that as "attention-seeking" Wow. Ever occur that some folks really do have real problems? And what would you be reading about if some didn't? The jokes on the "Humor" section, maybe instead? Because frankly these forums, and all the tthreads on them, are way over 60% (maybe 75%) concerned with someone's "problems" that they apparently believe they need to discuss. **I say tommorrow then- we all do a little experiment. No problems allowed. Anymore. Ever. That means not you too, btw - if you ever have them, that is. Let's see how that goes. What do you say? Starting at say, 6am tommorrow? No problems allowed on the CM message boards. No more problems. Ever. Just happy stuff. The kind everyone needs help with. I really do realize there are people out ther who are just mean, and full of shit. I don't listen to them any more. At all. I used to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I am done with all of that. For good. Forever. These same folks are supposedly teaching their submissives things like "how to be respectful" and some submssives are claiming to be "respectful people" and are not able to exhibit, sometimes, basic courtesy toward other folks. What a joke. Give me a break. I wouldn't let someone like that near me. I think some are juust plain dysfunctional, and don't know it, or won't admit it. I'm not "plying along" to save their pride anynore. They are certainly not willing to extend me the same courtesy. I will just now say something like: "Well, frankly I just really think you're a Bitch. make that with a capital B" - and wait for the supposed recriminatory and hypocritical comments to follow. Should be interesting. Oh darn. I forgot. I can't. I don't wanna waste my time. Guess my main point here is - they may think they are fooling someone into thinking they know more, see more, etc. I say being courteous and helpful is mostly a sign of strength. Not the other way around. I also prefer to be around people who basically function like adults. I am not changing my opinion. I just see a lot of crap sometimes, that I think the world could do without. Justify it however anyone wants. Despite what anyone thinks, I have no huge emotional investment in the outcome. I have a very stong sense of self-identity, and don't care much what anyone thinks if I make a thread. Disagree? Fine. Have a differing opinon? That's fine too. I see too much vindictive crap that's justified as "advice" in disguise though. It is pretty transparent, sometimes. And it's not helping the person probably, that it is being claimed it is supposed to be helping. Bottom Line: This "Method" of supposed "Help" does not really work, IMO. Poeple already know this, too. So if someone's gonna do that shit - they shouldn't really try to disguise it that way. call it entertainment instead. Because that's what it is. - Susan You seem to be hitting the nail on the head here.

MzMia -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 8:58:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO I said at the beginning - This isn't about me. And it's not. On my last thread, both Katy and agirl posted very sane responses that I considered helopful, because they were objective, just not over-the-top. This really IS NOT about me. It's not. It's just about the crap I seee sometimes. I get plenty of support aroud here. I am not suggesting anyone disfigure their opinion so that it no longer resembles what they intend to mean. I just wonder, I really wonder - wha yelling at someone who has a genuine problem they want to discuss accomplishes. Name something - I am all ears. A thread will start, and it wll start out pretty nice, with sane responses, and a couple of maybe slightly critical yet objective ones. Then some total bitch or bastard will write in, and instead of using sane judgment, humanity and ecent kindness, suddenly a lot of folks are jumping on the hatred band-wagon. I've seen this more thna a few times. I think it sucks. It's not necessary. Of course I know there are people who would never do this, ever. There are a lot of them around, too. I just don't see what it accomplishes, that's all. End of Rant (good idea to say: This is a rant, crounchingtigress.) Yes - this was a rant. It was.[:D] End of rant. - Susan I am glad you pointed that out, I have really not had that many people get nasty with me. But I am the type of person that also does not like to see mean and nasty behavior go unchecked. Many won't say anything because they don't want certain darlings here to turn against them. In psychology that is similar to "group think". People often go along with things because to say something, might make certain people dislike them. I am glad you had the courage to speak up, most just sit back and say--as long as they are nice to ME, I don't care how they treat other people.

MzMia -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/11/2007 9:02:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElectraGlide Susanof O I agree with you, this is a very good post you made. I hate to see somebody with under 10 post get run out of here in a heart beat because they generalized. I always give them the benifit of the doubt and let it slide. The Peanut Gallery just waits for newbies, they know who they are, just because they post on every thread on here they are self professed experts. When the Wack Pack attacks it sends the post right to random stupidity, then they get to put another notch in their keyboard. The attackers are not into BDSM because they want to connect with a partner on the same level of thought. They are just angry and like to abuse someone. so many wonderful threads here, I could highlight them all![:D]

BettyFordClinic -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/12/2007 3:56:09 AM)
The problem with people is that not all will agree what is appropriate behavior, and a forum is a place where we shouldn't all exactly agree. A lot of people might even argue that it best to get responses of all sorts even nasty ones. Some will think this is a great post. Others will think it is rehashing a post from the other day. Some may think this is a public service announcement. Others might forego this thread and think they are taking the higher road. Some will think that adding acronyms (IMO) or other fluffy words (really and truly) adds tack and makes them more sincere and well-mannered somehow Others will think that bluntness is a better and more honest approach. Some will think long posts are thoughtful and sweet. Others will think that some long posts lean towards OCD or manic episodes. Some will take the gentle advice offered as good advice for others. Others will think the same poster hit the nail on the head and that it should be applied to all including the OP. Some will believe that all threads have value for others. Others will think that all threads have a right to be posted but not all are valuable to anyone but the OP. Some people believe that others should ignore posters they do not care for and go to the next thread. Others will believe that everyone has a right to post regardless if they like what they read or not. Some will believe themselves to have a short fuse. Others will see the same person as a ticking bomb. Some people are more supportive. Others people think that being supportive in a forum is not their job. The point is that it is not about some being right and others being wrong. It is best to take advice that works and discard the rest. There is no exclusive right or wrong way to post. Being respectful and having manners is subjective to how one expects others to behave and how each of us views an honest approach. Honesty can be applied directly or indirectly.

canupleaseme -> RE: Happy Experiences vs. Problems vs. "Questions" (3/12/2007 4:32:57 AM)
When I first started reading the forums it took me ages to post. Some threads I'd read by newcommers did just turn into bitchy remarks and not always anything helpful. Whilst at the end of the day it doesnt really matter what everyone types be it good or bad getting that kind of response can be quite sad. I never critisise anyone or their likes/dislikes. If i read a post that I think is dodgy or not my thing I ignor it. If someone is rude to me I just ignor their reply. Sometimes people reply really helpful informative answers in fact more than I have seen nasty ones, and thats the ones I respond to positivley. Every forum I am a member of seems to have this problem. I used to post on a hard dance forum and the clickyness and bitchyness on there especially to newcomers was quite harsh and in the dance community they belonged to when big meet ups happened it was the same there too!! Very clicky groups all based on forum chat, they were quite sad really. We are all here to learn things and make friends and chat or whatever, and for some people forums like this are large parts of their social lifes and I guess what we have to try and remeber is that like in real life your going to come across rude silly people. I try and laugh at them and feel better about myself and make sure I talk to others as i would wish to be spoken to. And just take onboard the replies that have genuinly helped or made you laugh or given you something good to think about. I hope i got the gist of the post right [&:]

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