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RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/11/2007 11:37:12 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I'm not really sure which area this goes into but i chose this one as i wanted the Masters point of view more so than a sub/slave.  Is it normal or commonplace to compare a potential sub to the prior slave/sub and for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  I felt like ok now how am i supposed to build a trust and bond issue here with this between us.  


I have never thought of these types of sentiments as being normal. I could not bond with him either. I am sure there are some submissives that these ground rules would not bother, but I am just not one of them

We all have the right to expect that the person we make important to us will return that feeling. We all have the right to want what we want. He has the right to his feelings, but you have the right to say that his feelings are unacceptable to you in a dominant. We teach people how to treat us, and you are the only one that can determine if how he is treating you is ok with you. If not you may have to make a decision to exclude him from your life.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 8:55:09 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Whatever happened to "Don't kiss and tell"? I find it completely inappropriate to discuss/compare a current relationship with past ones. Both in the BDSM world and the vanilla one. It used to be common courtesy. I would never share my feelings about past relationships with my current lover/slave. Each was unique and special in its own way. They are all now in the past and have nothing to do with my current relationship. I would tell the guy to pull his butt out of his ass.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:01:19 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

Hello patina,
 
I apply the same guidelines to vanilla or Kink relationships,
if the person of interest is still constantly talking about the
previous relationship, whether positive or negative, then they
have unfinished emotional issues with the previous partner.
And because they now idealize the previous relationship, you can
never measure up to that image in their mind.  I view this
as a lose-lose situation all the way around.
 
Keep learning and searching and talking and communicating.
You will find the right person for you.
 
Regards,
 
Vendaval


My feelings exactly. Furthermore, if he is a responsible mature adult he would avoid looking for a new relationship until he has released the baggage of the old one. Being alone for awhile is not such a terrible thing.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:26:43 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic
Whatever happened to "Don't kiss and tell"? I find it completely inappropriate to discuss/compare a current relationship with past ones.

Not for me.  While I don't blather on about past heartbreaks on a first date with someone, not being able to discuss past relationships just seems limiting to me.  Especially if those relationships were years or decades of a persons life, to not discuss or compare them would be closing down a huge chunk of the person and what brought them to the place they are with me.

I also know that in discussing other relationships with my partner, I have been able to use his abilities and perspectives to see other parts of myself and how I handle issues.  And I know that being an open ear for him has helped make him feel far more secure and calm and even helped him get through his divorce with his ex. 

Again, there's a difference between saying "I never felt comfortable with this with my ex before" and saying "You're just a place filler compared to me ex"  And there's also a difference between saying "You aren't as hot as she was" and "I really appreciate that you like going out on Fridays, my ex was never happy with it."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:29:15 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		 A sub should be treasured by their Dominant.. at least in my world. PLEASE go read http://www.sscn.org/abuse.html Just because you are a submissive doesn't mean you are an emotional punching bag.  If you stay with him while knowing how little he values you, it will erode your self esteem. You deserve better!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:30:09 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		Sounds like an insensitive clod with unresolved past relationship issues to me.  

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:34:25 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Whatever happened to "Don't kiss and tell"? I find it completely inappropriate to discuss/compare a current relationship with past ones. Both in the BDSM world and the vanilla one. It used to be common courtesy. I would never share my feelings about past relationships with my current lover/slave. Each was unique and special in its own way. They are all now in the past and have nothing to do with my current relationship. I would tell the guy to pull his butt out of his ass.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



How does one go about pulling their butt out of their ass??

Sorry Sir couldnt help it.


Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:36:06 AM   
ONEDEMANDINGMSTR


Posts: 47
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		As humans , our psyche is composed of all of our past experiences. Subconsciously, they cannot be ignored. But to share the fact that a previous sub was better than the expectations from the current one is utter stupidity. Not to mention downright rude and insulting.  I'm of the school that believes a D/s relationship is an 'actual' relationship in that each partner derives pleasure, excitement, and growth from the other.

Humiliation, to My concept, is only a part of the 'scene' when mutually agreed upon..........not as a part of the overall dynamic. In My experience(s) the D/s dynamic is one of nurturing, caring, trusting and respecting each other.  How can a person be trusted when the implications are that you are an inadequate replacement for what has gone before??  I always want My sub to feel she's the very best there is.............and act accordingly.  Because , to Me , if she weren't , she wouldn't be in that position.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 2:17:24 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Patina
that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.


If some one said that to me. He'd be deleted in a flash


_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to ONEDEMANDINGMSTR)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 6:05:22 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  

patina







Had such a statement been made to me, I'd have said well it's been a learning experience, have a nice life, bye bye now, and walked away permanently. I definitely have no use for someone like that in my life.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 6:36:59 PM   
DragonMstr


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Patina,
In all honesty, no sub or slave should ever be compared to another. It is like comparing babies. It can't honestly be done as each person is completely different. Al most all subs or slaves will have some things in common just as most people in any group do, but because they have some similarities does not make them like anyone else. Sub and slaves are no different than anyone else, they are all individuals and need to be treated as such. To compare one ot another is completely unfair.
Master Rick

_____________________________

Master Rick

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 6:56:59 PM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

How does one go about pulling their butt out of their ass??

Sorry Sir couldnt help it.
Magik's slave


Ummm, I was just checking to see if you all were paying attention. Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 7:03:31 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		*grinning* Nice save.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 8:10:34 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I'd pass on this guy, it sounds like to me he is carrying baggage which you probably don't want to have to deal with. It sounds like his ex sub has a real control over him, at least for now. It would be hard to say what the future may hold but why get your hopes (and heart) up for something so iffy?

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/12/2007 9:21:04 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

How does one go about pulling their butt out of their ass??

Sorry Sir couldnt help it.
Magik's slave


Ummm, I was just checking to see if you all were paying attention. Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.



((giggles)) riighhttttttttttt!!!

LOL seems I was the only one really paying attention though!!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/13/2007 1:50:06 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

I'm not really sure which area this goes into but i chose this one as i wanted the Masters point of view more so than a sub/slave.  Is it normal or commonplace to compare a potential sub to the prior slave/sub and for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  I felt like ok now how am i supposed to build a trust and bond issue here with this between us.  I am asking as i am still new enough that there are some areas i don't have covered yet and past sub/slaves are one of them.  How much are we to be compared or is it like in the vanilla you don't compare the ex wife to the new one?  Thanks for the helps guys/gals, I'm pretty sure this guy is a nope not for me, but just wanting to make for sure.

patina


Once, because i know men simply think differently than women AND because i can be a passive-aggressive bitch, i turned the tables on someone who did the exact kind of thing to me.  In exactly the same tone and inflection of the Dom who compared me to all His previous and "better" subs, i replied with things like "Yes, i know what You mean! One of my previous Doms was so much better at ________".  Guess what?  He got mad.  Can you believe it?  He got so upset that He told me if i liked my previous Dom so much i should just return to Him...LOL



_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/13/2007 5:55:55 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patina
if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  


Red flag.... Unless that sort of disregard is something you are specificaly looking for..... there isn't a relationhip there, the person stating things in those terms isn't looking to build a relationship.... it is clear you are nothingmore than a filler till something real comes long.

1) past girls are usualy PAST for a reason. There are past girls of Mine I think fondly of.... would I drop My current girl for and or even ALL of those ex's.... hell no. Each and every one, wether there are things I think about fondly, ended for good reasons, those reasons would still apply.

2) I don't enter into a relationship with someone I feel nothing for. My girls are NOT disposable, they have value. If things don't work out the fine, you part ways and move one, but You don't enter into something with someone who is wortless to you, someone you would drop for the slightest of reasons.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/13/2007 6:01:38 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Is it normal or commonplace to compare a potential sub to the prior slave/sub and for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you. 


I don't consider this normal or acceptable.  I guess he is making his loyalties clear to you.  You have to ask how much you value yourself.  Would you rather take this risk or find someone who wants to be with you, without the threat of someone displacing you?  There are no guarantees in anything, but it seems unfortunate to start out a relationshiop like this.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/13/2007 6:31:50 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		t's normal and okay to compare one playmate or submissive or lover with another--past or, if you're nonmonogamous, present. It's also okay to compare people and conclude not only that they are different from one another, but that one is better than the other. Dwelling too much on that kind of evaluation doesn't tend to help relationships, but it's true that it happens and it's not a relational death sentence.

What is problematic is that your dominant has articulated such a comparison to you. That's ill-mannered, and it's particularly unpleasant since it's a comparison unfavorable to you. He can think that he preferred his ex to you, and he may even want you to adopt a behavior of hers, but he shouldn't say that he preferred his ex, and should he ask you to behave like her, he should present the direction for behavior without much reference to his ex.

In many respects, "rules" of politeness in BDSM relationships work just like other relationships. Like in other relationships, one can do controlled "dirty talk" for sexual purposes without being held to sincerity. As a result, IF this conversation took place as part of negotiated humiliation, then it's not unfair. You can still get to ban talk like that, but in that case, I wouldn't find great fault with your dominant, or believe that he should have known not to speak so unfavorably of you.

Monica

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: comparing past sub/slaves to a new one - 3/13/2007 6:59:52 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Is it normal or commonplace to compare a potential sub to the prior slave/sub and for the Dom to state to that potential sub (me) that if she was to walk in the door anytime he would take her back and drop you.  I felt like ok now how am i supposed to build a trust and bond issue here with this between us.  I am asking as i am still new enough that there are some areas i don't have covered yet and past sub/slaves are one of them.  How much are we to be compared or is it like in the vanilla you don't compare the ex wife to the new one?


patina,
To the blanket question, do I compare, the answer is yes. I would challenge anyone who says they don't. I never speak for beth on these issues, but as far as I'm concerned beth compares favorably in 99% of the comparison categories. Wait a minute, the 1% I was excluding was directed to beth's bad feet making it difficult for her to walk or jog with me; but none of my exes did that either and their feet were good I give her back 0.50%. But there is one deficiency that can't be denied. Her clear skin tone and vampire aversion to the sun make it impossible for us to hang out on the beach, but there is no trading back for that 0.50% unfavorable comparison. Also, as LA has said, full disclosure of both the good and bad aspects of prior relationships to a new or current partner are good talking points for advancing your relationship. No two people are alike, any more than two relationships.

We talked and still talk about our 'exes'. There is a lot of laughter usually involved, sometimes mixed with sympathy and pity. However, the concept that if any of them walked through the door either of us would leave the other, would most likely have whichever one of us hearing it leave the door open for them as we were walking out.

"Normal" is a moving target that few hold the same definition. No, this wouldn't be normal to me, but more importantly it wouldn't be acceptable. As you state it, it appears to be, or borders, abusive. What is the reason he gives? Try chatting with him about it. Let him know that this form of humiliation is not "play". If the effort fails, act upon this thought in your post; "I'm pretty sure this guy is a nope not for me..."

GOOD LUCK!

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 40
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