When does BDSM become a harmful addiction?

When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (Full Version)

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MsCfromMelbourne -> When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 6:23:47 PM)
IMO this radical feminist criticism of BDSM is actually an excellent read (apologies because it is rather long) http://bitingbeaver.blogspot.com/2006/01/bdsm-from-bbs-perspective.htm l NOT because I agree there is anything wrong with BDSM per se. Done properly for the right reasons, it can be wonderful for relationships. But this link is a excellent description of the horror of being in a relationship with a BDSM addict, whether they are Dominant, submissive, Top, bottom, male or female. Many of us have been there - and it is ugly. Addicts of all kinds have the same thing in common - they don't love anyone or anything as much as their addiction. And the addiction is progressive. An interest that starts out relatively harmless can grow into an all-consuming monster. Signs of addiction? I think anyone who needs to boast that they are "genuinely 24/7" is probably an addict. Healthy people keep life - including BDSM - in balance. (I know my life view will upset some of you who think 24/7 is the One True Way. Please examine whether you are an addict - and why not - before flaming me) Running around (physically and/or in cyberspace) constantly on the lookout for fresh play partners - even when you are one of the lucky few to already have a good one - is probably another warning sign. The fact that "getting BDSM" is now more important to that person than love, loyalty or other "higher" human experience is the tragedy of sliding into addiction. Real life examples: It might help to describe behaviours I consider have become an unhealthy addiction One woman sat at her computer all day every day chatting to her "Master" and others in a BDSM community like this. She did not feed her small children for over 24 hours. She had not washed or shopped for a week or so. And yet, online she was a "model" submissive. Our scene had to arrange an intervention before Social Services got her kids. A submissive woman met a Master online. He assured her he was genuine so she quit her job, sold her house and moved interstate to live with him as his full time slave. Whe she arrived her ignored her because he was too busy on the internet looking for - and chatting to - new submissives. The slave asked for help and was moved to a pro-domme's home while we worked out what to do with her. She was introduced to some well known and liked male Dominants (many who do not even go on the internet), eventually fell in love and is now married to her Master

hisannabelle -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 6:31:39 PM)
i'm one of those 24/7ers. that said, i'm also able to hold down two jobs, freelance as a web designer, and do successfully in school full time. i don't need to be tied up and whipped all the time. i do spend way too much time on this board (and on other online boards), but that's always been a vice of mine and it's never interfered with my life so much that i couldn't clean my house, make it to work or school, or do the things i need to do. i do not need the outward signs of the dynamic within our relationship so badly that it takes time away from the rest of my life, but by the same token, the fact that i am submissive to Him is an underlying factor in everything i do. i also don't think 24/7 is the One True Way. it's the one true way for me, at this point in my life, but it's not for everyone. addiction is addiction. bdsm is one of many, for -some- people. all addiction is usually harmful. bdsm is no different. by the same token, it's not any worse than any other addiction.

mstrjx -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 6:40:51 PM)
I don't often say something decidedly contrary because I think it's the right thing to do and I don't see any other option. This is an exception. As the author points out, her post is not meant for people who have a different outlook on the Lifestyle. At least she sees that clearly. This is really no different than trying to seduce a vanilla person into the Lifestyle. If it's done properly, it might work, but it might not. Personally, I'm 'here' because I would never attempt that very thing. So, if after all we are BDSM addicts, then the best alternative is for two addicts to get together and be done with it. I'm in. Who's in there with me? Jeff

MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 6:48:30 PM)
For the record my submissive is my only life partner and we are monogamous. Ours is a 24/7 relationship much like marriage is 24/7 (whether you like it or not!). But we go to work, spend time with family and live our lives outside the house just like "normal people" (mind you, right now he is cleaning the house in a cute white sundress so I guess we are not completely normal.......) Jeff - I see no problem with liking BDSM a lot. The problems arise when it goes too far and starts hurting you or others. Even people who love BDSM can become victims when the other person's addiction gets out of control (as has happeed to me over the years with subs who want more and more and more......)

azzmaster -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:27:32 PM)
criteria for addiction would be for one thing.... if u tried to stop but couldn't, or if u kept experiencing negative consequeces and kept on doing the same thing, or if it makes ur life unmanagible in some way. a 24/7 relationship doesn't mean ur flogging someone all day and not going to work... it simply means that the D/s dynamic is present in ur daily relationship. the woman who neglected her kids might have been internet addicted tho rather than BDSM addicted... there are people who might do that on a music forum

TribeTziyon -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:29:22 PM)
You're gonna blow your cover here man.....

juliaoceania -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:31:50 PM)
Something becomes addictive when someone cannot control their behavior surrounding an activity. In other words, food, gambling, drugs, cigarettes all can be addictive because of the biochemical response to the substance or activity. If one cannot control their cravings, become fixated to the point that the activity interferes with their life and they sacrifice relationships for it, then it is an addiction. BDSM play can be addictive and harmful if someone is willing to take risks they would not normally take to get a "fix", IE playing with multiple strangers in risky ways, missing work, lying to a partner, losing all interest in other activities.

goodpet -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:39:05 PM)
BDSMAA meeting now in session: Hi, I'm Ann and I'm a BDSMA

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:40:03 PM)
Anything can be addictive.....if you have an addictive personality....Tempting

MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:46:45 PM)
The lady with the net addiction was addicted to being a submissive online. She was not addicted to, say, eBay (also pretty addictive!) Being unable to control one's behaviour seems pretty common - even celebrated - in BDSM. It makes you 'real' and not just play acting/fantasising? I believe the orginal writer, BB, enjoyed some aspects of BDSM and it was an emotional healthy activity. She still would be enjoying BDSM, but her partner became an addict and needed more and more and more. I do not think this is unusual in BDSM - do you? At home we have a rule: anytime my sub needs to, he can call a VDO (Vanilla Day Off). On a VDO, my sub can do whatever he likes, call me by my first name when we are alone (!!) etc etc and know that he is still loved and wanted just as much Its a safety valve. I do not need to be The Mistress 24/7 to be a "real" Mistress. He has never asked for a VDO (perhaps because he knows he can). .

MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:48:50 PM)
BDSMAA or D/sAA is a great idea. I think Internet Addicts Anonymous already exists :)

azzmaster -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 7:57:22 PM)
Personally, i don't think BDSM is about more and more. Perhaps its about pushing urself further but that in itself doesn't mean ur life has to get out of balance or that u will start doing stupid things that put u at risk or otherwise interfere with daily life, or take up more time. However, if ur not well balanced to start out with, or ur a relationship or sex addict(SLA exists for that) a person might get into BDSM because of the intensity and focus we tend to have, or the reassurance a relationship addict ( who needs constant reassurance) would feel from being collared as a slave. So we might see alot of people with addictive behaviors within BDSM but i don't think that fundamentally or inately BDSM is addicting, its just a preference in lifestyle. addiction implies there isn't a choice, that ur helpless

FelinePersuasion -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 8:10:13 PM)
I don't think looking for more contacts in the lifestyle means you're addicted. I personally do not feel the need not to continue to stay open to new people and maybe new playmates, even tho I am in a full time commited relationship of 6-7 months. I think for me it just means I am always open to expanding my horizons. What the next person I meet might know that james don't could really turn out to rock both our worlds and be something I can take home to the bank for my personal relationship. I do not believe in not seeking others that could further my experince in play, and in life. quote: ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne Running around (physically and/or in cyberspace) constantly on the lookout for fresh play partners - even when you are one of the lucky few to already have a good one - is probably another warning sign.

AquaticSub -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 8:20:43 PM)
Like anything else, I view it as an addiction when it interfers with one's ability to interact with others, hold down a job and so forth.

szobras -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 8:34:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne Addicts of all kinds have the same thing in common - they don't love anyone or anything as much as their addiction. As one with personal experience in addiction I humbly disagree with the second part of this statement. I do not believe it a matter of love for another, something, or even oneself. Though as you have stated the sympton, in this case BDSM, does become more important to the addict, in most every area of life,and I agree. The root of addiction is self centered fear, the outlet, obsessive compulsive behavior. It is three fold. physical mental, and spiritual. Yes, that is alot of territory to attempt to fill with instant gratification.

hisannabelle -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 10:20:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne Being unable to control one's behaviour seems pretty common - even celebrated - in BDSM. It makes you 'real' and not just play acting/fantasising? I believe the orginal writer, BB, enjoyed some aspects of BDSM and it was an emotional healthy activity. She still would be enjoying BDSM, but her partner became an addict and needed more and more and more. I do not think this is unusual in BDSM - do you? At home we have a rule: anytime my sub needs to, he can call a VDO (Vanilla Day Off). On a VDO, my sub can do whatever he likes, call me by my first name when we are alone (!!) etc etc and know that he is still loved and wanted just as much Its a safety valve. I do not need to be The Mistress 24/7 to be a "real" Mistress. He has never asked for a VDO (perhaps because he knows he can). i cut out a paragraph or so that really didn't have anything i wanted to reply to...but...in order... i haven't noticed that a lack of ability to control one's own behavior seems to make one more of a "twue" bdsm practitioner. on the contrary, the ability to balance personal and public life and to stay 24/7 in a predominantly vanilla world, to me, takes a good deal of control. hell, the ability to have a healthy relationship, period, takes a good deal of control. i do not think addiction is in any way encouraged in bdsm. (personally, i think this thread could -very- easily be about crack addiction; just insert crack where bdsm is, and it'd work just the same, really.) i didn't get the reference to the blog in your cmail to me on the other side til i came back and read this thread, and i still think i'm missing something (i haven't read the blog and don't really know the backstory), but based on what's written here...why could her partner not get help and repair the relationship, or else she seek out a different relationship (or stay single for awhile and recover first, or something). why must bdsm now be ruined for her because of one sex-addict partner? i do think that bdsm addiction is unusual in the lifestyle, at least as unusual as drug addiction is in life in general. i do not think that the lifestyle runs rampant with addicts, necessarily. i've seen a few profiles on cm of people who come off as addicts to me, but not an overwhelming majority. i haven't personally talked to or met very many people who scream "bdsm addict" to me. as a slave, i do not feel the need for a "vdo" of any sort. i'd really be unhappy with it, to be honest. this is who i am, and my relationship gives me the ability to be that in a nurturing environment - why would i want to shed that? i'm not saying everyone else might not need a vdo, and hey, that's okay. but when speaking on this topic, i'm reminded a lot of beth's posts in those self-fulfillment threads, and how much i agree with them in a lot of ways. i do not need time off from being a slave. i'm very happy being a slave all the time. i do not think that time off would make me less of a slave (nor him less of a dominant), but i just don't want it. at the same time, i'm perfectly able to function in the "vanilla" world.

hisannabelle -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 10:21:55 PM)
reading the link to the blog now. sorry! i was responding more to your actual post than to the blog in my posts on the thread so far. eta: i'm finding it interesting. not going to read much tonight. i see a lot of stuff i agree with and a lot of stuff i don't (a common experience for me when i encounter radical feminist writings). overall she strikes me as someone who has come to view the world through the lens of all the bad stuff she's been through, which strikes me as rather unhealthy. a lot of what she said seems bitter. (i really agreed with a lot of the rapist checklist, though, although not her assertion that males can't be raped in the same way.)

Emperor1956 -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 10:26:24 PM)
quote: MsCfromMelbourne: Being unable to control one's behaviour seems pretty common - even celebrated - in BDSM. It makes you 'real' and not just play acting/fantasising? Justify this extreme and rather stupid statement? You make this statement in order to support your initial hysterical post. I'd like to now see examples of uncontrolled behavior being celebrated or "real"? All I see is that you plucked a rather jaundiced and troubled person's blog and decided to make it gospel. E.

juliaoceania -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/11/2007 10:52:37 PM)
quote: Being unable to control one's behaviour seems pretty common - even celebrated - in BDSM. It makes you 'real' and not just play acting/fantasising? I believe the orginal writer, BB, enjoyed some aspects of BDSM and it was an emotional healthy activity. She still would be enjoying BDSM, but her partner became an addict and needed more and more and more. I do not think this is unusual in BDSM - do you? I would not know if it is unusual or not, I was commenting on the criteria for judging whether someone is addicted to something, not this particular case. I do not relate to my Daddy that way. I have no basis for comparison, and will probably never have any. I do not plan to get really close to people who exhibit what I consider dysfunctional behavior. I am not into the BDSM scene either. quote: At home we have a rule: anytime my sub needs to, he can call a VDO (Vanilla Day Off). On a VDO, my sub can do whatever he likes, call me by my first name when we are alone (!!) etc etc and know that he is still loved and wanted just as much Its a safety valve. I do not need to be The Mistress 24/7 to be a "real" Mistress. He has never asked for a VDO (perhaps because he knows he can). In our relationship we interact in a very organic way that is not extraordinarily filled with protocol. I listen to what I am told, I am treated with respect. He gets what he wants, that makes me happy. I call him Daddy, I can call him by his given name anytime I would like, but I do not want to. There is no day off for me, it is just how I relate to him. We all have relationships with people in which we interact based upon what we are to each other... like with my UM, I am always his mom, no matter what day of the week it is. I am not mothering all the time, but I will be a mom until the day I die. I see our D/s dynamic like this, I am his submissive, and while I have ample time to myself, that never changes what we are to each other. I may need a day off if I was in a highly structured environment though, but then again I intentionally sought a dom that was not highly structured.

mons -> RE: When does BDSM become a harmful addiction? (3/12/2007 1:16:19 AM)
greetings the danger lays in when you let anyone do anything they wish to you hurt you shit on you hurting you beyond the norm of bdsm and you take it with out a word to tell them a safe word or scream for help mons

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