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RE: How long - 3/12/2007 1:02:50 PM

domiguy

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Joined: 5/2/2006
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I think you are in a bit of a difficult spot. There is no exact time frame to abide by...It is not only the sense of hurt or loss that one must overcome...But it is also the "self realization" that one must "admit" to which is definitely where the majority of the probem lies. I'll clarify, anyone can jump back into a relationship but without analyzing your own contributions as to why the relationship failed you are more than extremely likely to head back down the same path. Your actions, communication skills, clearly expressing your own personal needs and desires, are just some of the things that you should go over and examine before jumping back into the fray.

Why I think you might be in a difficult spot is that on your profile you state that you are a slave. I know women who would consider themselves anything but a slave and yet fall to the same scenario every time of never choosing their partner but have always been the one chosen or pursued...Maybe it is time you took a little more action on your own part to actually finding your partner in lieu of the latter...

One last thought, almost every guy finds it flattering when a woman is the one who shows interest...I would never quantify that behavior as "non-submissive" but rather someone who has interest in another and has no trouble in expressing their feelings. The only problem with this approach is if the other person does not reciprocate those feelings you do have to be "thick skinned" enough to handle a little rejection.

Take care.

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Post #: 21

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 1:10:36 PM

velvetears

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i think it depends on how kind we are to ourselves. How the relationship ended plays an important factor as well as having a support network of friends who can be there for you to just vent when you need to and listen, cry on their shoulder etc.... i think subs can also be particularly hard on themselves when relationships end and blame themselves.... i know i did this and all it did was make my mind run around in circles and drive me nuts! You can't rush what only time can heal. And for me there were times i thought i was ready only to be taken back a few steps. i think intuitively you will just "know" when you are ready - things will feel differenly inside - kind of like a new awakening.

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Post #: 22

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 1:34:24 PM

Bearlee

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Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
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Hiya angelic, let me start by saying I’m sorry you were hurt.

For me, I’d have to say ‘how long’ depends on how badly you were hurt or how long you were ‘in’ the relationship. Perhaps even in what way you were hurt. I’ve been in relationships that just didn’t work out and I found them much easier to get over than the one where I discovered the whole thing was based on a lie (I dated the guy six months before I discovered he was married), which has made me wonder about people. The things one person can ‘do’ to another will never cease to amaze me. Like having multiple wives or secrete lives.

Still, I know such hurt sometimes makes people bitter. I don’t want to do that, or to become distrustful and always nagging or checking up on my partner. I want to get on with my life. I know most people are honest and probably looking for the same thing I am (well, perviness not withstanding!). I want a relationship based on trust. For that reason I try to ‘act as if’. I ‘act as if’ he is exactly where he said he’d be, doing exactly what he said he’d do. Sure, I checked him out first and yes, he IS who he said he was. Past that, what I have done is tell him what happened to me and that I really need good communication to exist between us. I try hard to be clear; both in what I tell him and what I hear from him. I try very hard not to assume anything. One of the huge things I learned is that nothing turns a guy off faster than to assume the wrong thing and react on wrong information. Blechhhhhhhhh!!! Don’t go there!

Trust happens, just give it time.
bear

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 3/12/2007 2:09:18 PM >

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Post #: 23

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 1:51:15 PM

angelic

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Hey Domiguy, (shoot i missed how long this one was on the [waiting approval].

Thanks for your remarks. i do have on my profile that i am a slave and yes i am aware that many think that term should only be used when one is a slave to a Master. Here's the thing, stating that i am a slave on profile, although not entirely correct, it is more correct than calling myself a submissive.

As far as my taking the initiative... that has always been difficult for me. Right or wrong, i do not think it my place to contact someone. (i really really don't). i do not know if that is from the slave/submissive part of me or the 'i do not want to risk being rejected' part of me. Nevertheless it is there.

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Post #: 24

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 2:01:50 PM

stockingluvr54

Posts: 673
Joined: 6/22/2006
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Takes about 1-2yrs for me to heal up....? Held a grudge against my second-to-the-last girl for far toooooo long. We bumped into eachother at a mutual friends wedding and patched things up and now we talk via email and in person and over the phone. All is good now (although I'll never forget the crap she pulled) and we get along good considering. If you hold a grudge as I did...it just drains ya mentally so try and patch things up if you can(?)....makes things much better. jmo...

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Post #: 25

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 6:15:19 PM

swtrayn

Posts: 222
Joined: 2/21/2007
Status: offline

I am glad you posted this question, I am going through the same thing at this time and I am sure the posts will also help me.
I wish you luck on your healing.

Edited to add : I do believe that during the healing process.. "me time" is very important.. focus on you, on things that will help build you up.
I have done this, by uprooting and moving to another state, started a new job.. looking forward to going back to school. It will be awhile before I am ready for anything.. and I am going to make the best of this time while I heal. :)
again.. good luck

rayn

< Message edited by swtrayn -- 3/12/2007 6:18:24 PM >

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Post #: 26

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:20:54 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Thank you all. After i posted this thread, i thought maybe i would be bringing up bad stuff for others. That was not my intent and i apologize if it did.

In my case it reminds me of my discovery of self. The bad stuff is behind me; now I am living.

And it was four days after I left a painful relationship until Master contacted me. That was almost 3 years ago.

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Post #: 27

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:23:57 PM

angelic

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And i know that my bad stuff will be behind me one day too.

~edited because sometimes English is my second language~

< Message edited by angelic -- 3/12/2007 7:25:02 PM >

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Post #: 28

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:26:40 PM

Sinergy

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

did it take you to be ready for a new relationship after a hurtful one?

i am asking this for personal reasons.

I am not sure it is really a time thing.

There were things I had to learn before I was willing to enter into a relationship again.

The first time it was about 10 months. The second time it was over a year.

But then, as a personality type I am really not in much of a hurry. Everything happens in it's own time
and season.

Sinergy

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Post #: 29

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:26:57 PM

Griswold

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Joined: 2/12/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

did it take you to be ready for a new relationship after a hurtful one?

i am asking this for personal reasons.

And with the way some of the threads have been going, i am going to state: Please be nice (i.e. you can beat me up if you do it with decorum and manners).

Why you...I oughta.....

(About 3 years).

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Post #: 30

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:30:26 PM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

did it take you to be ready for a new relationship after a hurtful one?

i am asking this for personal reasons.

And with the way some of the threads have been going, i am going to state: Please be nice (i.e. you can beat me up if you do it with decorum and manners).

It did not take me long to find my Daddy, 3 months. I worked on much of that hurt the first couple of months that he and I were seeing each other. I think that the second trip down to see him I knew I was over my former dominant because he emailed me while I was at my Daddy's house . I felt no hurt or regret at all when that email came. This person had not contacted me literally in months before that incident, and it was a confirmation that I had really moved on emotionally.

I had decided that I was not going to spend a lot of time mourning the loss of that relationship because I wanted to live, have hope, and go on with my life. I have gotten to the age where I am starting to see how precious time is, and I felt that this individual had wasted enough of my time and energy, and I was not I was not going to expend anymore in his direction

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Post #: 31

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:44:18 PM

angelic

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Joined: 1/24/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

I am not sure it is really a time thing.

There were things I had to learn before I was willing to enter into a relationship again.

The first time it was about 10 months. The second time it was over a year.

But then, as a personality type I am really not in much of a hurry. Everything happens in it's own time
and season.

Sinergy

i wonder about the time aspect, as i think it does vary from person to person. i am not so much in a hurry for a relationship, i am more interested in trusting again. i do not wish to trust blindly, but i would like to at least speak to someone without wondering.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

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Post #: 32

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 7:50:43 PM

angelic

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Joined: 1/24/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have gotten to the age where I am starting to see how precious time is, and I felt that this individual had wasted enough of my time and energy, and I was not I was not going to expend anymore in his direction

This is where i am also. i feel very much that this person wasted 5 precious years of my life. i am terrified of getting that close to someone again.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

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Post #: 33

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 8:01:11 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

The first time it took me years to recover. So long that if virginity could grow back, it did.

Wow, I feel you there!

My first relationship was at age 20, lost "it" to him. 8 months later I left him and it took about 6 months after that to start seeing and believing who he really was and had been. About a year and a half later I met the next "one" (I'd had many little flings in between but nothing of substance.) I realized as I played around with others during that time in between that I was not ready for another "one" yet. I'm glad it took me those couple of years in between to find him or I would have missed or possibly ruined something wonderful.

Bottom line, let yourself heal, no matter how long it takes. Because no until you are ready (and the universe sees it) will you be sent someone new. That's just my take on it.

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Post #: 34

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 8:37:16 PM

softandshy

Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
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Don't mean to hijack the thread, but has anyone else here realized during the healing that they missed things that should have been obvious, like lieing perhaps? Has it made it harder to trust your own judgement when meeting someone new? It's not taken me long to meet someone interesting (although I knew the previous relationship was most likely ending at least 6 months before it did), but I won't even consider committing right now because of the uncertainty.

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Post #: 35

RE: How long - 3/12/2007 9:15:17 PM

Tristan

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Joined: 5/31/2004
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Angelic,

It sounds like it might be more than the pain of your last relationship that is difficult to heal. It sounds like there is a trust issue too.

I remember your post on your breakup (I think), and your ex's lies and deceptions. It's crazy that some people can be that deceptive. I suppose the trust issue will be resolved only with a little faith or some soul searching concerning the signs you missed.

Do you think you would recognize the deceptions of someone like you ex? Can you take a chance with someone else you feel you can trust?

Tristan

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Post #: 36

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 5:32:25 AM

angelic

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Joined: 1/24/2005
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Hi softandshy, yes there were signs. That nagging little gut feeling telling me that something was wrong (that i choose not to listen) too.

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~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

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Post #: 37

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 5:33:59 AM

angelic

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Joined: 1/24/2005
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Hi Tristan,

Just briefly (i should be getting ready for work), trust is difficult for me, at best. i trust few. i know that this will just take time.

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~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

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Post #: 38

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 5:43:22 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Thank you all. After i posted this thread, i thought maybe i would be bringing up bad stuff for others. That was not my intent and i apologize if it did.

no need to apologize, angelic. i healed quickly from my rough past with my former and being with Daddy has helped me move forward.

*hugs*

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Post #: 39

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 5:55:35 AM

cjenny

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Joined: 11/27/2006
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I hadn't realised how much healing I still need to do until I read this thread a couple of times. I've been divorced 18 months, from an 18 year marriage that began and ended badly heh. I kept putting myself under pressure to be fine, to push forward and live life.
I guess.. it is okay to still have unresolved emotional issues over it, maybe I don't need to be so hard on myself. I tear myself between thinking omg I am over 40 & time is running out. Then I go to omg I can't even imagine being in a totally functional relationship. A year and a half is not long enough for 'me' and.. it's okay to admit that. Hard but okay.

Not only do I need to heal, but I need to be myself again. I can't do one without the other no matter how much I would like to skip some of it!

Thanks angelic, this has given me a lot to think about. A lot of positive things.

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Post #: 40

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