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RE: How long - 3/13/2007 9:03:04 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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I often wonder if my past dysfunctional partners that emotionally damaged me don't still affect me even 20 years later in some ways.
I think any time someone you love hurts you it affects you long term even after you've come to grips with it.

I personally think D/s relationships leave the sub far more open, exposed and vulnerable than vanilla ones due to the necessity to communicate fully openly and honestly the things that have hurt you prior so you don't freak out in a scene for lack of knowledge on the Dom's part.
I ended my first D/s relationship 7/29/06. We'd been together 1-1/2 yrs.
I started dating again 11/1/06.
Though the man I dated did nothing wrong I was very aware I was not emotionally done with the anger, hurt and pain from my last realtionship affecting me since it cut me so very deeply.
A few weeks ago I backed this wonderful man back up to just being my friend as I just couldn't handle him being closer yet.
I found I was too emotionally dependant on him for my own emotional securities which was not fair to him or I.
So it's been 10 months for me and I'm still in no way ready to be someone's partner due to my own lack of trusting someone with my heart and mind as my partner.
LOL I feel like a 16yr old who has no clue in how to have a healthy relationship now and my fears and neurosis keep me from pretending I'm emotionally sound enough to undertake one.
I'll let you know if there reaches a time where I'm healed in my heart enough to be able to let someone in fully.
suzanne

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Post #: 41

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 10:11:43 AM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
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It depends on how serious the relationship was, but for one that you put your heart, soul and being into, I find that I literally have to grow out of the person I was and into someone new before I really get over it enough to have another relationship, which for me has generally taken around two years (only happened twice). What I mean by grow out is that you get to the point where you have changed enough, priorities, situation, goals, etc., where you look back and realize that you are no longer the person that fell in love and the person you loved is no longer someone you would fall for now. At least, that is my experience.

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RE: How long - 3/13/2007 11:36:27 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

did it take you to be ready for a new relationship after a hurtful one?

i am asking this for personal reasons.

And with the way some of the threads have been going, i am going to state: Please be nice (i.e. you can beat me up if you do it with decorum and manners).

I always do my beatings with decorum and manners...at least at the start

Seriously, it depends on how deep the relationship was and how entwined we were. It's funny...excuse the reminiscing now... as I get older, I realize that relationships can be very deep with very little entangling or they can be very deep with a great deal of entangling or they can be very shallow with very little entangling or they can be very shallow with a great deal of entangling.

The pattern in my life seems to run anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. It has always taken me at least 6 months to be able to look at things closely and in some of those instances I can now see...looking back...that I got involved with another too soon. I had not taken enough time to process what had happened or I stubbornly refused to learn lessons from what had happened. Now, I take the time to vent and get all the unfair nastiness out of my system, then look at my partner's role in the situation...what she said and did vs. how I saw what she said and did...and my own role in the situation. As you can imagine, the hardest part is looking at myself objectively. That is why I save it for last.

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RE: How long - 3/13/2007 11:52:52 AM

patina

Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
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I know how you feel about running him over with a car. My divorce started in 1999 ended in 2001 i HATED men until 2002 with a passion. Then realized it was not fair to blame the entire race for one moron. I still and will always hate my ex only because of the way he treated my sons not for what he did to me. I was married 21 yrs it took 4 to get over the divorce. It taught me a lot of things in some ways. I also learned to accept myself for who and what I am now,not to be what someone else wants me to be. I can only please a person by being myself. If you arn't happy with me then we arn't meant to be together.

I am still learning and growing in this lifestyle but i have found it more rewarding and acceptable than anyother. I look forward to being in it a long time.

I wish you the best of luck in your life and don't worry about raising hurt emotions this is how we heal. By sharing

patina

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Post #: 44

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 12:57:01 PM

Sunshine119

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: softandshy

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but has anyone else here realized during the healing that they missed things that should have been obvious, like lieing perhaps? Has it made it harder to trust your own judgement when meeting someone new? It's not taken me long to meet someone interesting (although I knew the previous relationship was most likely ending at least 6 months before it did), but I won't even consider committing right now because of the uncertainty.

Darn...I don't mean to jump on your hijack...but yeah... I was married for 20 years and didn't see the things others saw, which eventually caused the relationship to crash, suddenly, without warning. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from beneath me. It took me two years to just start sleeping again.

I figured if I couldn't understand someone's basic personality in 20 years, I was literally screwed. I then spent the next 10 years living the addage: "It's better to be alone than wish you were".

Two and a half years ago, I met "His Highness". When we started to get serious, I told him I'd never trust anyone totally again. Now, he is my light and my love (and the hand that holds the flogger, paddle, etc....lol). He is worth fighting my distrust for.

Sunshine

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Post #: 45

RE: How long - 3/13/2007 2:45:52 PM

ScreamerGirl

Posts: 65
Joined: 1/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

This is where i am also. i feel very much that this person wasted 5 precious years of my life. i am terrified of getting that close to someone again.

The time is never wasted. You learned *something*, whether you see it now or not.

In my own case, I've taken over 2 years to get over a 13 year off-and-on relationship. Mostly because I needed that recovery time to remember who and what I was, and to figure out what I really wanted.

I'm typically not a person to spin my wheels, but sometimes, you have to do what you have to do to feel whole again.

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Post #: 46