Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: unsung
What actions do you undertake to ensure that those under your guidance (your submissive/slave) have their wellbeing looked after. What do you provide and/or type of direction do you give to ensure their wellbeing (their psyc and physical health).
I raise this question due to the glorious slection of male doms in the area in which I reside. I have a hard time fathoming that they have any capacity to pay attention to my wellbeing when I look at them cause they don't even seem to look after themselves. I know this goes both ways. But I am curious what some of the practices in isolation are from any of the Dominant personalities on the board.
Thank you in advance.
The short answer to a very general question is this. I assess the slave in question and consider first what basics need to be taken care of so that she can function effectively as my slave. Second, I consider how she can grow, improve, learn, be trained, etc. to further improve her capabilities in serving me. That's a very abstract simplification of a very personal process, but when reduced to its fundamental principle, there it is. However...
quote:
I am having a hard time making a logical connection with some dominants that have been contacting me, where their mode of thinking does not seem to reflect personal growth. Sure sure I know block ignore delete lol. That is not the point, the point comes to a head in my reflection of the D/s dynamic and its growth potential in whole (the mental, the physical and all the gray matter inbetween and surrounding it). I am having a hard time making a link between me and ones in pursuit. Oh my I do hope this is clearer *sigh*
You seem to be less interested in specific examples than you are in searching for guidelines to deeper issues. More of an exploration of how to recognize responsibile behavior and also what is reasonable to expect. Taking the second point first...
You seem to be asking if it is reasonable to expect that a dominant will take a responsible approach towards the well being of a submissive (in the context of a long term, d/s lifestyle, relationship). The answer is, they should... but there are probably many who will not. I suspect that many who seek to be "dominants" are in fact looking for an "easy" relationship. These are individuals who do not manage their life well, may have little or no control in other areas of their life, and as a result are seeking relationships where they can feel in control and secure without being challenged in any way. This can sometimes be seen in various contrasts between what they expect of a submissive, vs. what they expect of themselves or how they live their life. For example, the overweight "dom" with no control over their eating habits who expects the submissive to be thin and fit. Or the "dom" who's financial situation is a wreck, yet they want 24/7 live in slaves who wait on them hand and foot. I have for years stressed that if a "dom" is devoid of any ambition, lacks self control, lacks an ability to control even the basics of their own life, then I am immediately VERY suspicious of them. That I have sometimes been denounced for saying it I think has more to do with the fact that there are indeed many "doms" out there who don't want to be held to any sort of personal standards for fear they'll come up very short indeed.
Which brings me to the first question you seem to be asking, what is reasonable to expect in regards to a dominants responsibility towards the well being of the submissive. I've spoken before about my view that is is the responsibility of the dominant to meet the needs of the submissive and that those needs are more than just food, water and shelter. There are emotional needs as well that are just as real and necessary. Submissives need structure, boundaries, a basic sense of security (which fosters trust, which is also necessary), and so forth. Some need affection while others do not and each individual's needs have to be assessed on a case by case basis. What I would advise any submissive to observe very carefully is the general attitude of the dominant. There is a vast difference in the behavior of a dominant who see's a submissive as an investment of their time and energy, as a servant and asset to be cultivated and developed, as a person who can grow and provide much more than just sex or housekeeping; vs the "dom" who sees a submissive as something to merely be used for their convenience, who seeks an "easy" relationship to prop up an otherwise failing ego, who seeks to find a small amount of control when it is otherwise lacking in their life. The later case, in my experience, never ends well. Eventually the submissive becomes an inconvenience to the "dom" who then verbally attacks her, blames her for all his problems, everything becomes her fault, because again he is trying to make himself feel better, prop up his ego, and create for himself a sense of control he otherwise lacks. In the process he destroys her self esteem rather that increasing it in an attempt to reduce her to a point where she is unable and unwilling to expect anything of him, including that even her most basic needs be met.
And in my not the least bit humble and considered opinion, these "lazy doms" are not dominant at all. I'm sure that will offend many as I am equally sure there are many who fit that description to be offended. I cannot see how someone who is not exerting themself in other areas of their life can call themselves dominant simply because they like to have someone to push around. I always called that kind of person a bully... and at times a coward. Show me a dominant who is out there trying to better themself as a person, who seeks out personal challenges, who has at least some degree of ambition, who accepts responsibility rather than avoiding it, who tends to rely on themself rather than expecting others to do things for them, who expects more of themselves than they do a submissive, and I'll show you a dominant that I can respect even if I don't get along with them. But that's just me, YMMV... and to those submissives who insist those "lazy doms" are still dominants... good luck with that.
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Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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RE: Wellbeing - 
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