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Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 7:29:39 PM

SlyStone

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From: Chicago
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Even if d/s is a natural expression of one's self there is still an individual emotional investment needed to maintain any relationship.

( I am using the term relationship here to mean any kind of dynamic where there exists some kind of interpersonal exchange.)

So I am not talking about being who we are, I am talking about how we relate to each other in a very conditional power/authority exchange.

With that in mind, which do you think is easier; To submit, or to control?

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 7:34:08 PM

SilkedGoddess

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I find it much easier to control

(in reply to SlyStone)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 7:39:58 PM

hisannabelle

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Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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i think both have their pros and cons, personally.

(in reply to SilkedGoddess)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 7:45:54 PM

Aileen68

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I find it very easy to control. Maybe that's why it has no appeal to me.
Submitting, on the other hand, is very hard for me. I get so much more satisfaction when I'm finally able to let go and not fight it. Plus it turns me on like you wouldn't believe. I doubt any of that makes any sense.

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 3/15/2007 7:57:08 PM >

(in reply to SlyStone)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 7:47:20 PM

MsLadySue

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I believe control is easier. I would have a difficult time trusting another person to the extent necessary to allow them to have control over me.

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In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 7:49:52 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I find it much easier to control.

But it is within me to submit.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 6

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:19:22 PM

irinaa

Posts: 9
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i have never been one to want to seize control; so i can not say which would be easier and which would be harder.

(in reply to SlyStone)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:25:42 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

With that in mind, which do you think is easier; To submit, or to control?

The answer is directly related to what is one's inner nature.

As a Dominant... I find it easier to Control than to submit.

I strongly suggest... that a Submissive would find it easier to submit than to control.

Now.. this the extreme ends of the spectrum..... as you move to the middle... it becomes more situational. In otherwords, a specific individual that rest witn the middle of this spectrum would find in some cases it's easier to submit and in other it would be easier to control.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SlyStone)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:30:43 PM

nissa

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Joined: 2/28/2007
From: Carson City Nevada
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for myself; it is my nature to submit, so I find it very easy to do so. However, with my job, I have no choice but to be in control, and while I enjoy my work, it is hard to fight what is inherent within me.

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nissa

(in reply to SlyStone)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:34:19 PM

Lashra

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Control is all I know, I just do not have it in me to be submissive. When I've tried to be submissive (in different situations) all it did was make me angry. So I've learned just to be myself.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to nissa)

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RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:34:38 PM

unsung

Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
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It is very difficult for me to submit, although I am submissive. I am very use to tending to myself, to offer up my submission to another is very difficult. Even if it is something that is desired, it has been a journey of interest to date. In saying such and noting that my profile states I have a Top, this is strictly a controlled environment (we meet, play without sex, and then wonder back into our daily lives). So even in such a situation, there is not full 24/7 submission.

< Message edited by unsung -- 3/15/2007 8:35:42 PM >

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 11

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:40:25 PM

MsParados

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I agree with KoMs' post. I find myself in his last example, for me 90% of my preference is dependent on the situation, and equally as easy with the partners that cultivate those feelings within me.

(in reply to nissa)

Post #: 12

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:41:19 PM

SlyStone

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From: Chicago
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I find it very easy to control. Maybe that's why it has no appeal to me.
Submitting, on the other hand, is very hard for me. I get so much more satisfaction when I'm finally able to let go and not fight it. Plus it turns me on like you wouldn't believe. I doubt any of that makes any sense.

Of course it makes sense. I think it is interesting that both the sub and the dom get turned on on by the act of submission , one by giving it and the other by receiving it, whereas control is rather one dimensional.

As a dominant I don't get turned on by the act of domination, I get turned on by her submission, and aside from sadists I think most dominants would agree with that statement, or would they?

I would like others thoughts on this.

And While I could never imagine submitting, I can respect the emotional investment that goes into the act and personally I think it is a more interesting expression of self because it is so complicated, whereas to me control is relatively simple.

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 13

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:53:02 PM

SlyStone

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From: Chicago
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I find it much easier to control.

But it is within me to submit.

When you say it is within you do you mean the need , the desire, the strength?

I wonder, assuming desire and nature being the same, does one need to be stronger to submit or to control?

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 8:58:46 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone
When you say it is within you do you mean the need , the desire, the strength?

The orientation.

To put it in a different perspective- I am much more comfortable having sex with males, but it is within me to be attracted and be fulfilled by sex with females.

quote:

I wonder, assuming desire and nature being the same, does one need to be stronger to submit or to control?

One needs to know when "to hold close and let go and when to do which." (Courtesy of Alanis Morissette)

A lot of subs are control freaks actually and find it very difficult to let go of control over things- that's why we create soft limits after all, so they can be given time and space to let go of those things and relax. The control is released over time, the authority is surrendered gradually. That's why you see so many subs say they have such a hard time being pampered or communicating honestly or asking directly for something- it's all years of layers of controlled behavior that needs to be re-trained.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 15

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 9:29:39 PM

calicowgirl

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Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

A lot of subs are control freaks actually and find it very difficult to let go of control over things- that's why we create soft limits after all, so they can be given time and space to let go of those things and relax. The control is released over time, the authority is surrendered gradually. That's why you see so many subs say they have such a hard time being pampered or communicating honestly or asking directly for something- it's all years of layers of controlled behavior that needs to be re-trained.

This hit the nail on the head for me... giving up control does not come easy for the little control freak hiding out in my head, at least not on an emotional or mental level and yet is something I crave with everything in me.

As for the OP's original question. I do not think either is necessarily easy, both make me feel on edge to some extent... in my job as a firefighter/Lieutenant, I often led a group of men in dangerous situations and/or training. I never liked having that power although I was very good at my job. The thought of taking control in a D/s type relationship does absolutely nothing for me... is actually a turn off. On the other hand, submitting, although often hard and mentally/emotionally trying, turnes me on.

cali

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 9:34:49 PM

SternMaster3

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Joined: 3/13/2007
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Both Roles require TRUST. The sub has to trust the Dom in the context of personal safety. The Dom has to trust the sub in the expression of the subs own limits and thus "consent".

As to easier/harder

The sub has to relinquish their control to find liberty.
The sub becomes the focus of attention.

The Dom exercises the control (and should only exercise that which the sub has previously accepted as being within limits). In many ways, the Dom has to be satisfied to experience almost vicariously, through the sub the liberty which the sub seeks.

The Dom has to deploy imagination and finesse to decide what and how the sub will be treated / challenged / used.

Therefore, both rolls present their own challenges.

When we go to a circus do we remember the abrobats or the ring master?

The Dom is the ring master controlling all within his realm yet the sub, like the acrobat takes center ring.

Temprement ultimately makes the Dom role easier for lifes natural Doms and submission easier for lifes natural submissives.

Be happy to have a compatible partner(s) which you can practice your role within a D/s relationship.

Dom or sub they are both roles - the real hard part is to find that compatibility

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 9:55:20 PM

jadein

Posts: 37
Joined: 2/12/2007
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I personally have some very naturally submissive traits, however find it much easier to be in control ... LA said it perfectly in my opinion. I find it hard to release control because in my regular everyday activities I have to be in control. In my past I have always had to take care of myself and look out for myself in every situation. It's hard to give that up even when you desperatly want to ... but that IS the turn on isn't it ... at least for me it is.

(in reply to SternMaster3)

Post #: 18

RE: Give or take a little - 3/15/2007 10:23:48 PM

SlyStone

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Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
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In my job as a firefighter/Lieutenant, I often led a group of men in dangerous situations and/or training. I never liked having that power although I was very good at my job.

I thought someone would argue that we are all inherently capable of submitting and not all of us are capable of taking control, therefore taking control is harder.

Because not everyone is capable of taking an authoritative position in the workplace or in their personal lives for that matter, and yet many self defined submissive people do hold positions of authority.

And yet we are all capable of submission. We may hate it but at some time in our life we all submit to authority. Be it the cop writing you a ticket, the tax man collecting his bill or the judge deciding your fate, we all submit at one time or another.

And some would say that we all submit to a higher authority, but that's another discussion for sure :)

Anyway this discussion has led me to another question:

Why is it a choice to be controlling in the workplace and an orientation to be submissive in the d/s relationship?

To tie it in with what LA said about orientation, I was thinking it is both orientation and choice at work here at both ends of the equation with orientation determining and choice prevailing.

< Message edited by SlyStone -- 3/15/2007 10:50:54 PM >

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to calicowgirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Give or take a little - 3/16/2007 2:05:10 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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I'm with KOM on this one. To pick one or the other is easy if all you look at is your chosen role.
For myself, submitting is easy when the pieces come together right, impossible when they dont.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 20

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