RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way?

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 2:50:45 AM

swtnsparkling

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quote:

Celeste43If he's miserable and unhappy it will negatively impact the marriage If she's happy and he isn't, resentment buildsIf he's happy and she isn't, same result. I can't see a good ending for this, if someone else can see a workable solution for him instead of just calling him a cheater, they sure haven't posted it.

Your right some one ends up hurt. But if you claim to love your spouse then give them the respect they deserve. Tell them how you feel what is going on- before you act on it. It is not your fault or the spouse's that you had no idea this was a part of you when you got married. Give them the chance to understand or say I just can't deal with it. Then go from there. Give them that choice. If the marriage ends at least it would end honeslty with both making the decison it's best and not because he snuck around lied cheated with another. That would of hurt more.

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 6:24:03 AM

silentrunner

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It is critical to include your spouse in what interests you as a person. She doesn't have to like your interest but if it doesn't upset her, life is good. It definitely is cheating if you are "hiding" something from her. It doesn't matter if you are just communicating thoughts with someone other than her or having a Domme shove a big, plastic donger up your butt. Generally speaking, bdsm is all about sex. Ironically, I enjoy helping women without the sexual feelings. I leave the sex part of my submission out of it.

My wife knows I'm on these boards and reading the posts. I'm comfortable sitting here and reading even if she doesn't find it worthy of her time. She finds the whole concept of male submission "creepy" although she did read a particular thread I was laughing at and did think it was funny. We sat in the living room; I was on the computer and she was reading an accounting journal. I didn't feel as though I was cheating and my guess is, neither did she. Although, it makes me uneasy that she could be eyeballing a sexy, handsome accountant in a suit who is bending over a year-end income statement, posing like a stud.

I have found through the years that it is best to not attempt to do anything "submissively sexual" when your wife considers it "wimpy". Other than that, honesty works in a relationship.

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 7:05:36 AM

corysub

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"Only you can know whether or not you can handle telling her and her handle being told. Personally, I'd continue as you are and not let myself be guilted by anonymous words on an internet website. Guilt can be a very selfish emotion." Jasmyn

Thank you Ms. Jasmyn for your empathy. This has been a struggle for me between my inner needs and the fate of a very happy marriage of over thirty years. My wife means everything to
me and, knowing her as well as I do, I truly believe she would not be able to handle the part of me that has come out only in recent years. After hearing all the very thoughtful comments here, and not the flaming it could have become, I guess the final answer for me is that there really is nothing I can change at the moment. The status quo, to me at least, seems best. Maybe I will get caught someday and will have to face the music but firstly, I cannot disappoint my wife in me and what I am being so different that what she thinks I am, and, secondly, I cannot deny the strong feelings of submission I have inside of me. Life is short and as I get older I start to see my own mortality through a different prism, and there is somewhat of an urgency to do things that I never did when I was in my 20's or 30's. That most woman would disagree with my actions is obvious from the postings here...which I do appreciate totally. However, as bumpy as our lives may become, at the end of the day, we all have to find our own way. Take care... cory

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 2:57:08 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: corysub
My wife means everything to
me and, knowing her as well as I do, I truly believe she would not be able to handle the part of me that has come out only in recent years. After hearing all the very thoughtful comments here, and not the flaming it could have become, I guess the final answer for me is that there really is nothing I can change at the moment. The status quo, to me at least, seems best. Maybe I will get caught someday and will have to face the music but firstly, I cannot disappoint my wife in me and what I am being so different that what she thinks I am, and, secondly, I cannot deny the strong feelings of submission I have inside of me. Life is short and as I get older I start to see my own mortality through a different prism, and there is somewhat of an urgency to do things that I never did when I was in my 20's or 30's. That most woman would disagree with my actions is obvious from the postings here...which I do appreciate totally. However, as bumpy as our lives may become, at the end of the day, we all have to find our own way. Take care... cory

If your wife is everything to you, and you cannot disappoint her - then why exactly are you cheating again? If she is everything to you, then she is fulfilling all of your needs (by definition); if she is fulfilling all of your needs, then why cheat? If you cannot disappoint her, think once again on the fact that if you continue to cheat, you will be caught ... and how disappointed will she be then?

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 3:56:04 PM

swtnsparkling

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quote:

SweetDommes
If you cannot disappoint her, think once again on the fact that if you continue to cheat, you will be caught ... and how disappointed will she be then?

Oh she wont be disappointed she will feel like her heart was ripped out. Imagine a man you have been married to for 30 years some one you have trusted out there doing things with other women.. She will question, why? after all these years, he couldnt talk to her. She will wonder what other deceitful things he has done. If he says none She wont believe him.She'll ask if the entire marriage was a lie.
She will see him as a coward, liar and cheater. And if she divorces him, what she will remember painfully for as long as she lives is why it happened.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 4:20:38 PM

SweetDommes

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Doesn't even have to be that long - I felt like my heart was ripped out and we had only been together 9 months ... we were planning our wedding when I found out what he was doing behind my back. I was more than devistated, I was suicidal.

I can honestly say that I have been tempted to cheat - and I resisted, every time. My relationship with Holly (at the time ... now I include rob in that), was far far far more important than any temporary pleasure that I might have gotten by cheating. Holly IS my everything - yes we are poly, but I could be with just her and be happy (did it for a few years before we added anyone to the family).

_____________________________

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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

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RE: Is it sex? Is it cheating? Is there a way? - 3/19/2007 4:43:43 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: corysub

"Only you can know whether or not you can handle telling her and her handle being told. Personally, I'd continue as you are and not let myself be guilted by anonymous words on an internet website. Guilt can be a very selfish emotion." Jasmyn

Thank you Ms. Jasmyn for your empathy. This has been a struggle for me between my inner needs and the fate of a very happy marriage of over thirty years. My wife means everything to
me and, knowing her as well as I do, I truly believe she would not be able to handle the part of me that has come out only in recent years. After hearing all the very thoughtful comments here, and not the flaming it could have become, I guess the final answer for me is that there really is nothing I can change at the moment. The status quo, to me at least, seems best. Maybe I will get caught someday and will have to face the music but firstly, I cannot disappoint my wife in me and what I am being so different that what she thinks I am, and, secondly, I cannot deny the strong feelings of submission I have inside of me. Life is short and as I get older I start to see my own mortality through a different prism, and there is somewhat of an urgency to do things that I never did when I was in my 20's or 30's. That most woman would disagree with my actions is obvious from the postings here...which I do appreciate totally. However, as bumpy as our lives may become, at the end of the day, we all have to find our own way. Take care... cory

Ok, get the torches out..... I'm sure I'm about to be BBQ.

When We married, My husband had no idea I had any experience in the lifestyle. I was the little vanilla wife and he had no clue. I didn't cheat on him. I actually put that part of Me 'off to the side'. Didn't explore it or expand it in any way. The only time it ever really came up in our marriage was when there was a couple of connections with My first slave.

He was actually still out of the loop until the BOTH of us met My last pet. During the course of that experience with the three of us, My past lifestyle experience came to the surface (as I hear it tends to do when We are with others in the lifestyle). There was no great upheaval (except that I hadn't told him before), no run to the divorce lawyer, no actual relationship change whatsoever. In fact, it's broadened horizons a bit. He fully accepts Me as a Domme. He doesn't interfere with My dynamic with any sub that I take on. He knows he is there as neutral, with no power of command or no control over them. Frankly, he is no sub, but he reaps a lot of benefit from it when I keep a r/t boy. Turned out pretty good for us.

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