Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Settling or compromising?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Settling or compromising? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 6:18:01 AM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		    In the past few days, I have seen several posters, including myself, give the advice not to settle when searching for a partner.  I firmly believe in this, not only for relationships that include wiitwd, but for any relationship.  However, it is also true that many people have an 'ideal mate' in mind that is not always realistic.  So my question is twofold: Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?  And how does one tell the difference?
    In my own case, I had list of qualities that I was searching for in a Dominant and  I am fortunate enough to have found NChaka, who is all of them and more.  When I met Him however, I was seeing someone else and was very close to settling, though I saw it compromising because I was dealing with a person rather than an ideal.  I had even been offered the other's collar, though I did not accept because my head and heart were full doubts.  Luckily for me, I faced a major fork in my path for medical reasons and the diagnosis had control over which road I would travel.  The man I was seeing was extremely insensitive and when I confronted him over how his reaction had hurt me and been the exact opposite of what I had needed, he went poof.   That was when I was able to see things as they were and how I had come very close to settling.  It was NChaka that stood beside me as my Friend when I was at very low point in my life and I saw clearly that He possessed all the qualities I was searching for.  When He offered me His collar (prior to the glorious news of a negative diagnosis), there was not a single moment of doubt even though it meant 3+ years of the relationship being long distance.  Even after a year and half, there are times I shudder to think of how close I came to settling and I thank all those nagging little doubts that had kept my neck bare and for the crisis that showed me that I had found my 'ideal Dom'.  Well, 99% ideal... He does live on the wrong side of an ocean, but that can be fixed. 


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 7:03:49 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I believe many times we allow other things and other people to adjust our views. 
Although we know better then to listen to the words spoken from others perspectives when it comes to our own lives, many times those words are seeds that can and often do mislead our search for our ideal.  Those seeds can undermine and make some of us question if we are just being too picky or worse yet expecting more then we should.  So often others come here asking questions after a certain instance has happened to them personally, and advice given although usually in the best interest is much too black and white.  Words are cheap, trust action.

For myself I have stumbled a time or two also by coming close to ~settling~ . 
I realize now it was an issue within me that I needed to mask, some failing that by settling would make it all better.  I am happy to say that better judgement got the best of me just as circumstance did for you.  No lives were made worse by continuing something that wasnt meant to be. 

I do think we can be too stringent in what we seek.  That super dom/master/sub/slave/switch we paint in our mind is only human after all.  And we are not an action figure either, so the right energy exchange has to be there.  So, I have quit making lists of qualities, now only noting things that do not feel right.  I see that as my gut talking and something worth listening to.  God know's my head's screwed things up in the past so it's time to go about things in a different way for a change .. at least for me.  When it all ~feels~ right there's one word to keep in mind and thats ~believe~. 

< Message edited by Quivver -- 3/16/2007 7:05:45 AM >

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 7:27:42 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?

Human decision making isn't so simple as having a set of standards and checking off a list -- people assign weights to the importance of each attribute, but then the weights get muddled up when a potential partner's strengths and weaknesses are measured.

For example, one may not consider an attribute at all important now, and then can meet someone with that attribute and then decide to weight it as important even if it really isn't. Such fluid decision models mean that the perceived importance of something else may be lowered if the potential partner is lacking in it. That's may be compromising or settling; it's hard to say.

What this all boils down to is that we are irrational, and end up making decisions based on "chemistry", whatever that means. I think passions, fantasies, and desires end up overriding the importance of whatever set of standards we have, and we only figure it out if things turn out badly.



< Message edited by happypervert -- 3/16/2007 7:37:20 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 7:37:15 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

When it all ~feels~ right there's one word to keep in mind and thats ~believe~.


That's the place I search for and yet can't find.  I want to ~believe~ but something always gets in the way.  This has led me to believe that I suck at picking people.  And it's not as if I've had a lot of relationship experience.  I'm waiting for that ~believe~ moment, I still think it's out there.  Somewhere.  I'm going to try not to settle for something less.




_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 7:40:49 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

So my question is twofold: Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?  And how does one tell the difference?


After decades of "settling" and being unhappy with my choices in men, I finally took a hard look at what was really important to me.  I learned that, as happypervert said, I was letting chemistry get in the way of what was right for me.  This time, with the Kaptin, I haven't settled.  I compromised.  I'd done a lot of soul searching over a period of several years, and had a pretty thorough list of what I needed in a dominant partner, and what I wanted.  The Kaptin doesn't have every quality I "wanted," but He fits almost every "need" I had listed, and a few I hadn't thought of.  We fit well together.
 
Settling is taking what's available because it's there for the taking.  Settling is also taking what's available even when we know it's not quite right for us.  Compromising is taking what may not fit every expectation, but there is enough there that does meet our needs, that we can easily overlook what is lacking in the wants department.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 7:55:58 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

   In the past few days, I have seen several posters, including myself, give the advice not to settle when searching for a partner.  I firmly believe in this, not only for relationships that include wiitwd, but for any relationship.  However, it is also true that many people have an 'ideal mate' in mind that is not always realistic.  So my question is twofold: Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling?  And how does one tell the difference?
   In my own case, I had list of qualities that I was searching for in a Dominant and  I am fortunate enough to have found NChaka, who is all of them and more.  When I met Him however, I was seeing someone else and was very close to settling, though I saw it compromising because I was dealing with a person rather than an ideal.  I had even been offered the other's collar, though I did not accept because my head and heart were full doubts.  Luckily for me, I faced a major fork in my path for medical reasons and the diagnosis had control over which road I would travel.  The man I was seeing was extremely insensitive and when I confronted him over how his reaction had hurt me and been the exact opposite of what I had needed, he went poof.   That was when I was able to see things as they were and how I had come very close to settling.  It was NChaka that stood beside me as my Friend when I was at very low point in my life and I saw clearly that He possessed all the qualities I was searching for.  When He offered me His collar (prior to the glorious news of a negative diagnosis), there was not a single moment of doubt even though it meant 3+ years of the relationship being long distance.  Even after a year and half, there are times I shudder to think of how close I came to settling and I thank all those nagging little doubts that had kept my neck bare and for the crisis that showed me that I had found my 'ideal Dom'.  Well, 99% ideal... He does live on the wrong side of an ocean, but that can be fixed. 



Life is a series of compromises.  I know that sounds cliche but it is true.  I had a picture in my head of the perfect woman.  It has never been one of the women I have been with.  Oddly enough, that picture has realigned itself through the years and she doesn't look or act the same way in my mind that she did 30-cough years ago.

Evanesce put it best about what settling is...taking what is there because it is there and it is available even though it is in no way right.  There may be one or two areas that are but we know somewhere inside ourselves that there is not enough right.

Compromise though...that is the stuff of which successful and non-successful relationships are made.  Seeking that perfect one that is in your mind without compromise....in MOO a lifelong ,and most likely fruitless, effort. 

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 7:57:48 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Oh good lord, no chemistry?  I agree that simple chemistry can be misconstrued, lust seen as love, attraction to a fire that's too large will also burn you.  But chemistry goes alot farther then what is initially seen or felt.  What I term energy, is chemistry with wisdom to back it up.  ..........  

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 8:09:37 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am not sure what defines one above the other, it probably depends on what's most important to you when finding someone.  For example, my Master doesn't like to give the amount and type of pain I prefer, I have had to search myself for the importance of that in my life.  I do miss it sometimes, but I wouldn't trade getting the pain from someone else, and have them be different than Master in any other way.  I haven't settled, I have compromised.  I found that my needs otherwise, the need to be loved, treasured, protected, cared for, and supported outweighed the need I felt to be "beaten" by someone.  If I ever do find myself craving it, I just look at my Master and it all goes away.  What we have is more important to me than that particular need (want).

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 8:15:36 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Reposted:

I get everything I want because I don't settle :)

People settle when they think they can't really get what they want.  I think I've learned that, when it comes to choosing who you spend your life with as an intimate partner, you can get everything you want, and more.

Compromise is a fact of life- compromise means understanding that ideal is not always ideal, that your illusions might not be the best thing for you, and that someone else's immediate needs come before yours to create an ultimately fulfilling relationship together.

Settling however means giving up something important to you, it means not giving yourself what you know you need most.

Settling might be necessary when buying a house- but not for choosing a life partner.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_669767/mpage_1/key_compromise/tm.htm#669815
compromise

http://www.collarchat.com/m_651324/mpage_1/key_compromise/tm.htm#651340
Do you believe that dominance gives one the right to be selfish?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_580838/mpage_1/key_compromise/tm.htm#580878
compromising on the ds or ms dynamic?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_352315/mpage_1/key_compromise/tm.htm#352318
compromise vs settling

http://www.collarchat.com/m_203433/mpage_1/key_compromise/tm.htm#203443
how far would you compromise?



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 9:27:50 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		amiciaN I was with you until you said wrong side of the ocean. When are you actually going to meet?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 9:39:16 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

So my question is twofold: Where does one draw the line between compromising on a set of standards that might not ever be met and settling? And how does one tell the difference?


Ah, it is that second question that is at the heart of the matter. Knowing the difference requires a great deal of honesty with yourself, a lot of soul searching, and hopefully having a really good friend to bounce your ideas off of to get another opinion. For someone who jumps from one bad relationship to the next, very often they are letting their hormones guide their choices. Not that hormones can't be a good guide, but it can't be the only guide.

I know people who got so frustrated that they simply became celebate, and gave themselves time (be it weeks, months, years) to find out what it was they really wanted. And whether those ideals were realistic.

I don't agree with happypervert that this must be an irrational decision. I don't agree with Quivver that you can know when it "feels" right, and you can just, somehow, magically believe. Not that people don't do that, just that it is the wrong way to do it.

Learning to come into a relationship with someone is a growth process. It's not a bolt from heaven. It starts with talking, then meeting, then more of the same. Over time you will build up a sense if this person fits the general requirements of what you are looking for.

Settling is not wrong, if your standards are so high as to be unrealistic. In that case, settling is coming down to a level closer to reality. If your standards are realistic, settling should not be an option; you will not be happy. Compromise is a part of any human interaction, and is an ongoing one, too.

Too many people on these sites never give themselves the chance to find out. It is a trial and error process. It is unlikely that anyone is going to come up to your ideal person. If someone comes close, you need to take a chance and explore that relationship. Turning down the possibles because you are waiting for that ideal is an exercise in frustration, and is self-defeating.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 9:55:15 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

Well, 99% ideal... He does live on the wrong side of an ocean, but that can be fixed. 



Trust me your "ideal Dom" also lives in Indiana....We think that we are all so special...When in reality, for the majority of us, we share far more similarities than differences....Good luck on your relocation.

_____________________________



(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 11:44:30 AM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

amiciaN I was with you until you said wrong side of the ocean. When are you actually going to meet?


We have met.    We will also spend 3 weeks together this summer.   However, other considerations prevent Him from moving at this time.  That is very hard for both of us, but we match so well that waiting is well worth it to us.


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 11:56:27 AM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

Well, 99% ideal... He does live on the wrong side of an ocean, but that can be fixed. 



Trust me your "ideal Dom" also lives in Indiana....We think that we are all so special...When in reality, for the majority of us, we share far more similarities than differences....Good luck on your relocation.


    He is the One who will be relocating rather than me.  I have had 2 long term relationships (albeit vanilla ones, as I had not yet figured myself out), one lasting 8 years and the other 20 years, and the differences between the foundations of those relationships and this one are astounding.  Perhaps there was someone who could have filled my needs who lived closer, but He was the One who not only could, but did meet them and continues to do so.  He understands me in ways I never dreamed another person could.  In spite of the distance, I am certain that I have the collar around my neck that fits me best.


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 12:18:17 PM   
RPutnamJr


Posts: 176
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		Settling to me is when you cannot find what you seek and just give into what you can find. If your standards are too high and truely unrealistic then yes you may have to settle to find something that is realistic.

Compromising is when you have to give up something to get something else that you seek. After all when you compromise then you are getting something in the deal, you just have to give up something also as part of the deal.

When you settle though you are not necessarily getting anything in return.

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 1:01:08 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I have a problem with the idea that we "choose" the wrong partners.  It makes it sound like men (speaking as a woman) of all types flock to us in great numbers and we look them over, try them all out and then "choose" the one we like the best at that moment.  And maybe for some of you, it actually happens that way, and I'm extremely envious of you. 

In reality, or at least in my life and at my age and location and looks, men who interest ME and who actually show an interest in me BACK (rare occurence, lol) only come along one at a time and maybe even as much as a year or two apart.  Not much "choice" there. 

So, the option is examining your standards and wants and needs and deciding if the set of problems or personality traits that might might not mesh with your own are ones you want to "settle" for to have companionship and possibly have some of your hopes and dreams fulfilled, or if you're just going to be alone for another spell until a mutual attraction happens again somewhere in the cosmos.  I used to settle and ended up unhappy.  Now I "choose" to be alone, even if Mr. Right never comes along.

For me personally, there are a few things that I can't and won't settle for, such as such extreme self-absorption where others' thoughts and feelings are of no importance, substance abuse problems, and a couple of others.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to RPutnamJr)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 2:28:58 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		It's been said that I can *do better*...........but only by people that don't know me extremely well in a particular way.

agirl





(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 2:30:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		amiciaN, My special thanks to you to posting this comment at this particular time.  Much of what you say here that you have experienced reflects thoughts that I have in My own mind.  Many of the comments on defining "settling" have also been valued and greatly appreciated.
 
The concept of settling has been weighing heavily upon Me these past few days.  These particular comments have reaffirmed My own belief that settling is something that I just can not do.  While, yes, it may be harder to wait for wait for what I may have created in My own thoughts the "ideal" sub, I know there is someone out there that is at least close to My preconceived notion.  Wouldn't think it might be so difficult to find a suitable male sub, now would you *laughs*? 
 
I suppose I do have a checklist, of sorts.  Certain key elements that should not be overlooked.  At the same time, I hope to avoid creating the vision of a "perfect" match, so that I can be open enough for individuality for whoever might fill that space.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 3:58:59 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I don't agree with Quivver that you can know when it "feels" right, and you can just, somehow, magically believe. Not that people don't do that, just that it is the wrong way to do it.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Wrong?  I beg to differ.   So often we hear listen to your gut, and now you are saying that is wrong?  Somehow I feel you have taken my words out of context and are envisioning dancing faeries or some shit.  Not once did I advocate a quick decision without giving it time to grow.  It's that time where GUT comes into play.  If you follow another way, I need to ask you what it is then you do to "build up a sense if this person fits the general requirements of what you are looking for." do you not call that gut?
Listening to your gut doesnt produce lightning bolts but it can save you from misleading or being mislead while that dance of words begin.  Many times that exchange only needs to be once and you know (gut) not to pursue it further.  BUT, when you do connect (that energy I speak of) that is good and things are matching up well, it is then and only then that ~belive~ comes into play.  Without belief, doubt can make something good slips through your hands. 





_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Settling or compromising? - 3/16/2007 4:23:05 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

quote:

I don't agree with Quivver that you can know when it "feels" right, and you can just, somehow, magically believe. Not that people don't do that, just that it is the wrong way to do it.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Wrong?  I beg to differ.   So often we hear listen to your gut, and now you are saying that is wrong?  Somehow I feel you have taken my words out of context and are envisioning dancing faeries or some shit.  Not once did I advocate a quick decision without giving it time to grow.  It's that time where GUT comes into play.  If you follow another way, I need to ask you what it is then you do to "build up a sense if this person fits the general requirements of what you are looking for." do you not call that gut?
Listening to your gut doesnt produce lightning bolts but it can save you from misleading or being mislead while that dance of words begin.  Many times that exchange only needs to be once and you know (gut) not to pursue it further.  BUT, when you do connect (that energy I speak of) that is good and things are matching up well, it is then and only then that ~belive~ comes into play.  Without belief, doubt can make something good slips through your hands. 


I believe strongly in listening to my "gut."...The problem is sometimes the Domidong is yelling so loud that it can be difficult to hear or understand...

My gut is rarely wrong. I believe that I can determine in just a few minutes whether there is even a hope for compatibility....Though your gut may not be able to tell you everything about that person....But your inner voice is a strong tool that to ignore is to lack confidence in ones self and judgement.

_____________________________



(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Settling or compromising? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078