RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (Full Version)

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StellaByStarlite -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 5:01:34 AM)

Hello. =)


I think many slaves/subs are so paranoid about the whole "topping from the bottom" issue that it just makes things like this more difficult then they need to be.

This is where a nice 3 year vanilla background comes in handy for us. I trust my owner enough to know that, if he really cares about a movie selection, etc, he'll make his wishes known. If he doesn't care, he just doesn't care, period. He's also very generous, so there are times when he reliquishes his desire for something particular for me to choose. =)

We do occasionally suffer from movie angst, though. If he makes a run to the video store, he'll almost always ask me if had anything in mind. Well, I need to be in the store in order to pick, so I just shrug and say "whatever", lol. So if I spend the rest of the night at his feet struggling to stay awake because he brought home one of his snore-fest films, it's totally on me.



Stella



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 5:34:58 AM)

My first slave told me she left her husband because he wouldn’t tell her what to cook for dinner so I would damn sure tell her what to cook for me at the start. As I was learning about D/s, during that time, I began to realize, ordering her to do things without having her input of things she knew that I didn’t know, was detrimental. She knew what she could cook best. If I wanted a good dinner, I had to hear what she thought she could cook best that night with what she had. I could only tolerate so many bad dinners for the sake of D/s. I began to see why her former husband wouldn’t tell her what to cook.



MissyRane -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 5:57:25 AM)

I can't imagine how I could not tell a person my opinion, whether they wanted my opinion or not lol but I dunno I've never had to worry about whether I could state my opinion or not.



ravenairsprite -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 6:28:57 AM)

Sometimes I have a terrible time making my own decisions. I'll defer to whoever else I'm serving until they put their foot down. Then I look confused, shrug, and make a decision. Part of my early training was to not be allowed to think for myself 9 times out of 10. It's hard to uncondition yourself. I'm getting better though.

Kali



myobedience -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 6:53:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

quote:

ORIGINAL: myobedience

You are gonna blush again !!   You said this on your profile ~~~
 Please notice and respect the "friends only" is selected under "seeking." While I am actively seeking friendship with anyone, that is ALL that is sought.
 But have everyone in kingdom come listed...was this a CM default or a blushing oversight?  [:D]

It was neither, but instead was what his Mistress/wife instructed him to do. I wish him to make friends with all orientations. I'm not sure how following directions would make him blush.


I apologize for not understanding his profile. That he is seeking all orientations to make "friends only" with.  Possibly it was the wording that seemed a bit strange and confusing to me as I saw the list of seekings.
Thank you for clearing that up.
I never meant to interfer with your demands and his obedience to them.



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 7:07:47 AM)

WE want our property to be smart there is a difference between smart and book learning..WE need for her when left in a situation to be able to make a rational decision on her own,especially when it come to our business or our house hold..WE aren't always available and expect her to step up when we aren't...A cowering sub the yes Mame yes Sir type isn't a good fit here.I want some fire some life in my slaves...Many can't handle this type of slave.we aren't the average owners so therefore it takes a special one to be able to meet all of our needs...As always just this ol" master perferences...bounty



Celeste43 -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 9:08:22 AM)

Funny that's our problem, where do you want to go to eat? By the end of a normal day I can easily be emotionally tired and being told to make a decision can be something I don't have the strength for.

So if he's taking me out because he sees I'm just needing a break immediately he now knows I won't be able to pick. How we've solved it is that if it's a Monday through Thursday we go to the Mexican place with the really great salad bar. Weekends they're full to capacity and the servers can't cope. So weekends we go to the diner, or an Italian place if he wants a drink. By having settled on what the choices are ahead of time, it's easier for me to pick.

If I'm cooking then I have three or four days worth of meals in the fridge and decide during the day when I still can make a decision. That way at six at night I don't have to start thinking, just make the meatloaf and shove it in the oven. Or ask if he wants to grill the steak or should I cook it inside. But the thinking and making the decision is the hard part, not the doing.



TexasMaam -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 9:44:06 AM)

When I burn out on this sort of daily routine decision making, I generally laugh and tell the sub that I am directing him to give Me his input, and he will usually eagerly tell Me what it is that he really wants to do, whether it's a restaurant choice, which Movie, etc.

He is usually reluctant to state his preferences for fear of choosing something I don't want, so I never let it drag out into 'what are you in the mood for, which do you want to see' volleyball. 

One or two volleys, and if nothing is forthcoming as a preference, I direct him to give me his input and he does so quite happily.

TexasMaam



petdave -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 9:59:19 AM)

i'm just curious... for those who repeatedly run into the "what should we have to eat" problem... do you think that length of relationship has anything to do with it?
i can tell you that after ten years, we've had EVERYTHING more times than we care to remember (we're both fairly picky eaters), so there are a lot of times that quite honestly nothing is more appealing than anything else to either one of us.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 11:39:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

i'm just curious... for those who repeatedly run into the "what should we have to eat" problem... do you think that length of relationship has anything to do with it?
i can tell you that after ten years, we've had EVERYTHING more times than we care to remember (we're both fairly picky eaters), so there are a lot of times that quite honestly nothing is more appealing than anything else to either one of us.



There's always room for jello.



MistressDiane -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 12:21:31 PM)

This isn't a Dominant/submissive issue here but..................
I rarely ask him what he wants I just cook whatever looks/sounds appealing or feel like cooking. I mostly do this because I've learned over time he really won't give any input. Sooooo....it's cooks choice around here. Like it or fix it yourself.



BeachMystress -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/18/2007 4:14:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDiane
Sooooo....it's cooks choice around here. Like it or fix it yourself.
LOL, that wouldn't fly around here. Since the sub is the cook in my relationship, his saying like it or fix it yourself would result in some painful remedial training. *grins*



BeachMystress -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/19/2007 10:47:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Next Friday sounds like a plan, especially bringing others from the munch group. Wonder if they'd let us have our own 'rodeo contest'? I'll be better prepared with my camera.

Sounds like a plan! I'll post an invite in the group! But I doubt many will have the cojones to get on that bull... Our backs are just toooo old to risk. LoL



slaveish -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/19/2007 11:22:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
How many other subs hesitate to express their opinions or preferences? How many other Dominants have run into getting a sub to express a preference or want to be like pulling teeth?


This was a habit (the operative word being "was") of mine that irritated Master to no end. He asked direct questions and I gave vague answers. For example:

Q: "What do you want for supper?"
A: "Ohh, I don't know. What do ~you~ want?"
His response: "That is not what I asked. Answer the question."

Ambiguity is learned behavior. Some of us learn that the easiest way to please people is to agree with them. When I learned that vague answers were not pleasing Master, I learned a more favorable behavior which also aids in other areas in my life.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (3/19/2007 11:31:32 AM)

I've run into this problem before also...not so much because I was making all the choices and was tired of it but more along the lines of wanting to give the submissive a choice once in awhile. 

My ex used to drive me crazy with that...
Me:  What would you like to eat?
her:  Oh....I don't care...you pick
Me:  O. K....I pick Mexican
her:  Oh...could we go anywhere else but there?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....so now, I make it clear from the outset that if I ask, that is their chance to provide input.  When they do not or say they do not care, that choice is then revoked.  When I get to the restaurant/movie/sporting event/whatever, they do not get to take it back then.



Duty2Please -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (4/15/2007 4:44:28 PM)

I used to find it difficult when my mistresses wanted my input, but then I realized that even when I was feeling particularly submissive, it was my job to give my opinion or suggestion when asked -- it's part of submission sometimes to ease off the submission!

Later on, when I was asked or when I sensed it would be very welcome (also my job to figure that out) I gave my suggestion or opinion. My mistresses loved it and if they thought it was impertinent, I learned something more about when my opinions would be welcome.




Stranger1 -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (4/15/2007 5:01:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

As a Dominant, I'm expected to make all the decisions and my will should reign supreme. right? Well, some times I just do not CARE about an issue, such as what we have for dinner or what movie we watch. It can be a real chore to get my sub to actually express an opinion at such times. He and I have had discussion after discussion about the fact that if I say I do not care about an issue I expect him to let me know his preferences on the subject. Well.. we're still working on it. LoL.

How many other subs hesitate to express their opinions or preferences? How many other Dominants have run into getting a sub to express a preference or want to be like pulling teeth?


My most hated phrase,"Anything you wish, Sir."

It comes from a fear of rejection. What the sub fails to realize, is that this approach is seen as being passive agressive. Nothing  is more frustrating than to feel barred from getting a look inside the true self of a person we are interested in-and doms can be every bit as bad as subs in this regard.

This is only overcome in the long run by some pretty extreme self control on the part of the Top. Expressing confidence, tolerance and acceptance of the sub is a huge key. This, by no means, is saying that you have to tolerate or accept negative behavior.

But you SHOULD be willing to listen to fantasies and desires without being so selfish as to dismiss them out of hand (or worse yet, showing disgust) -that will kill the lock opening more or less permanently-they will never trust you if you show that pattern of denial.

You still have the upper hand in what you will or will not do-being told is only something you need catalogue for your own use-not a commandment.[;)]



calicowgirl -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (4/15/2007 6:00:38 PM)

I am absolutely horrible at this, at least when it comes to others... even if I have a preference, I usually put myself last and just go with whatever. It is not that I don't have opinions, it is just that expressing them in the past has ended in rejection, ridicule etc so I learned not to... It has always just been easier that way.  Sir is not so keen on this so unlearning is a bumpy road I am now traveling.

On the other hand, when it comes to myself or my ums, I have no problem making those same decisions.

cali



orfunboi -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (4/15/2007 6:04:20 PM)

Do you mean "whatever you want Ma'am" isn't a decision?



Sinergy -> RE: Pulling submissive teeth? (4/15/2007 6:11:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nyrisa

(fast reply)

We sometimes have the same problem deciding about movies, restaurant, what to buy for supper; it is even worse when we are tired and stressed out, because nothing seems to stand out as more appealing than anything else. Neither of us cares which choice is made, but he will usually push me to decide. I know if I picked something really outrageous, he'd decide pretty quick AGAINST it. *L* If I truly have no preference, I will usually suggest a choice between two options, and he will pick whichever one sounds better to him.


The problem I have with this is that I truly detest this sort of discussion.

I will ask.  If there is no answer.  I will decide.  What I wont do is waffle about things. 

I detest even more the following

Sinergy "What would you like to do?"
Person A "I dont care"
Sinergy "Lets do blah"
Person A "I dont really want to do that."

Sinergy




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