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Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential subs... - 3/18/2007 10:12:16 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings Ladies,
 
I was reading Shifted Jewel's thread and started thinking about the communication problems between Mistresses and potential submissives/slaves.  I am wondering how much of the disconnect is from #1 unrealistic expectations #2 lack of experience or
#3 desire for instant gratification, or perhaps a combination of all 3?
 
Ideas, comments, thoughts, ramblings, stories to share?



(Format edit)

< Message edited by Vendaval -- 3/18/2007 10:13:07 PM >

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 9:06:19 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I don't know, I think there probably is a disconnect on occasion for all the reasons you suggested. I would suggest that inexperience, though, might be the largest variable when it comes to a female dominant.  Because, in my opinion, those of us who have experience tend to know what expectations are realistic and tend to know that instant gratification is not all it's chalked up to be.  I think we also are well aware that we have the ability to pick and choose moreso than the male submissives and while we may not have unrealistic expectations, certainly most of us have high ones.

From the submissive male point of view, I would say desire for instant gratification is often the reason for some of the disconnect followed by inexperience.  Again, with unrealistic expectations, I think most sub males can get what they want out of a D/s relationship from someone, though it may be harder and take more time. 

For the most part, though, I think most submissives and dominants have a good idea of what they are looking for and approach their counterpart with respect and a genuine desire to enter into something solid.  The problems I have had that are not related to simple incompatibility or lack of attraction come from those who are rude and have no social graces. 

If a dominant and submissive can conduct themselves appropriately in vanilla life, without irritating all around them, they will likely do ok in the kink world too.  Of course everyone has to go through the trial and error of whether or not someone is a good match for them.  But, if everyone acts decently, the liklihood of at least finding a friend increases and the odds of setting up a good network increases.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to Vendaval)
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RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 9:32:19 AM   
tzndeny


Posts: 21
Joined: 9/11/2004
Status: offline 		A very nice and well-informed response.  Thanks!

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
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RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 10:03:26 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am not sure how I come across, maybe too vanilla and boring for most. I look at it this way, my life is quite multi-faceted and if they are only focused on one small facet then they are probably not for me anyway. I am not here to provide wank fodder and will refuse to do so consistantly.

That being said, most of the people that contact me, seem to have tunnel vision and disappear quite quickly when I don't jump on their hook (instant gratification).

Relate to me as a human being first, a woman next and then, and only THEN, will we see what follows.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 10:19:54 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		I wonder if part (not all) of the problem is supply and demand.  For a submissive, it takes who knows how many tries to get someone to respond to him.  When it happens, he wants to get right into the thick of things.  For us, we can get all the kink we want, any time.

Related to this, men seem much more linear in their approach to things.  The mindset seems to be that if this site is about D/s, we should want to talk about D/s first, last and always.  While this is not the attitude of *all* men here (I don't want to start a gender flame war), it has been the approach of a great many men I've encountered.  I find this approach to be disconnected, simplistic and dismaying.  It's boring! Often it feels like men and women want things that are mutually exclusive.  Someone acused me of looking for a boyfriend here (Oh, the horror!) as if that meant that I wasn't looking for D/s.

I think inexperience is an important factor.  If someone has been used to "online domination" or only their fantasies, they tend to get antsy if you don't start controlling them (their way, of course) post haste.

Thankfully, I encounter intriguing men often enough to remind me that my desires are sane.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 10:24:39 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Does anyone here get bored talking about BDSM?  I find that I don't want to talk about it until I find that I like someone, which tend to baffle submissives.  Just wondering how others are.

Thanks,
MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
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RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 10:42:12 AM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

Does anyone here get bored talking about BDSM?  I find that I don't want to talk about it until I find that I like someone, which tend to baffle submissives.  Just wondering how others are.

Thanks,
MSS


I think i understand what you are saying. Every new person seems like the same old questions/discussion, until you get to know them better. Talk about non-bdsm things and get a feel for them as a person. I think the excitement then comes back to those same conversations once you have an image of completing these acts with a real person.

Might just be me though

_____________________________

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be


(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
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RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 10:57:15 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

Does anyone here get bored talking about BDSM?  I find that I don't want to talk about it until I find that I like someone, which tend to baffle submissives.  Just wondering how others are.

Thanks,
MSS


A resounding YES!!!!! I don't even want to think about it until I know I can actually get along with the person and have other common interests.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 11:01:17 AM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		A big thank you to you both!

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 3:21:40 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I would agree with all.... but number three brings the quickest disconnect from My end.  If I wanted instant gratification, or a better description, one-time gratification, I can get that any day of the week. 

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 3:25:25 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

Does anyone here get bored talking about BDSM?  I find that I don't want to talk about it until I find that I like someone, which tend to baffle submissives.  Just wondering how others are.

Thanks,
MSS


Since I do not have a r/t sub at this time, actually, I don't get bored talking about the subject.  It's a little different when there is no active participation in the lifestyle.  Of course, those I connect with in an electronic fashion and I do discuss other topics.  That includes everything from "What's for dinner" to actual animal pets and everything else from A - Z.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:03:18 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes it is just because the casual type of communication that we tend to use in posts and PM's is not clear. Things written like this are often NOT read with the same feeling.

Always best to ask for clarification!  Still, it is a place to start.  Phone is better.

fergus

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:18:42 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fergus

Sometimes it is just because the casual type of communication that we tend to use in posts and PM's is not clear. Things written like this are often NOT read with the same feeling.

Always best to ask for clarification!  Still, it is a place to start.  Phone is better.


Speaking of that, fergus.... Would you mind explaining?

fergus

(in reply to fergus)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:35:43 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		lol, I will try!

Well, when we communicate in the written form, we don't have all of the inflection that we would as in a spoken conversation.  Now, for whatever reason ... we try to communicate in emails, PM's, and posts casually - as if we were speaking.  Posts tend not to be even as formal as a casual WRITTEN snail-mail letter.

So, we don't KNOW that as the person reads it, it doesn;t sound to them like it did to us in our heads when we were typing it.  Sarcasm, humorous turns of phrase, all often get lost if the person reading is not already 'in' on the humor.  What's more - people from different parts of the country have different ways of communicating, sometimes it is easy to offend.  When this happens in real-time voice conversation, you can often emotionally hear that someone has not understood what you have said, so you can quickly recover.  In a dry post that is out there and not responded to instantaneously, this ability to overcome is hampered.

So, we sometimes get our nose out of joint nad another person might not even REALIZE it.

fergus

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:38:06 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Glad to see you posting on this thread, fergus. 
I was hoping you would chime in and give your
opinon. 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to fergus)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:43:04 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

Glad to see you posting on this thread, fergus. 
I was hoping you would chime in and give your
opinon. 


Gawrsh, thanks :)

fergus

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:52:07 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		MSS,
 
It is frustrating when potential subs/slaves cannot talk about
regular life and are completely goal oriented in their approach!
 
To be of interest to me we have to have more in common
than kink and sex and kinky sex! 
 

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 5:59:03 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

MSS,
 
It is frustrating when potential subs/slaves cannot talk about
regular life and are completely goal oriented in their approach!
 
To be of interest to me we have to have more in common
than kink and sex and kinky sex! 
 


Speaking as a male sub (more or less) - I agree.  It is NOT condusive to any kind of real relationship or friendship and I actually tend to AVOID the topic if I am interested in the person ... that being said ....

THe life of the single male sub is a lonely, lonely life - any HINT of even some TALK that might stir us and we must jump or lose the opportunity.

fergus

(in reply to Vendaval)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 6:45:02 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
Related to this, men seem much more linear in their approach to things.  The mindset seems to be that if this site is about D/s, we should want to talk about D/s first, last and always. 

(paste out of order)

For us, we can get all the kink we want, any time.


See, if you consider getting someone with compatible kinks to be a given, then of course you're going to focus on the "everything else". However, if you found instead that meeting someone with compatible kinks was next to impossible, would you not give it a higher priority on the list o' things to discuss? Thar be the disconnect.  i know that there's a tendency to view every D/s related question from a male submissive as part of our never-ending quest for quality jackage, but sometimes it really is an attempt to see if you've finally found someone with an equal level of interest in BDSM/ fetish XYZ.

...dave

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Mis-communication between Mistresses and potential ... - 3/19/2007 9:44:19 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

Does anyone here get bored talking about BDSM?  I find that I don't want to talk about it until I find that I like someone, which tend to baffle submissives.  Just wondering how others are.

Thanks,
MSS


Great posts MSS, I totally agree.  With the RIGHT submissive you can overcome that situation.
I have been talking to a "potential" for almost 3 weeks, and we rarely talk about BDSM issues.
We are covering much more common ground, of course we discussed limits and expectations in the
beginning...so that is over with.  I told him from the beginning, I ONLY want someone that I can get
to know as a person FIRST!  We plan to meet RT in the next few weeks, again he will stay in a hotel,
and I will take him sight seeing around the city, no BDSM, no sex.
If things work out, down the road..................well thats another story!
But like Frank Sinatra sings---I did it MY way!  as it should be since I am the Dominant here.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)
Profile   Post #: 20
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