RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (Full Version)

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charismagirrl -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 12:02:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

The potential pitfall in anticipatory service is not putting your own emotions at risk. Obviously if you get him a glass of water when you get your own, you won't feel hurt if he doesn't drink it. But if you cooked his favorite fancy meal and had him come home with a pizza to eat while watching March Madness there's a good chance you might feel really rejected and hurt.

Forcing him to agree to accept what you did so that you don't get your feelings hurt is natural but wrong. You need to separate your hoped for result from what may actually happen.


i have sooo fallen into this situation and have been learning it over the past year. It's a really tough one for me in alot of ways and a stumbling stone. Something so very similar has happened and the first time i was crushed, subsequently i have started to try to just let go of it.

i have learned that anticipatory service with my particular Master/Daddy is almost futile. He joked with me once about the fact that i am supposed to anticipate his needs to which i joked back..."Ummm Daddy i have learned that there is no anticipating your needs, just when i think i can, you will need something different." (Kind of like the old saying about just when you know all the answers to the questions they change all the quetions)

Sooo for me the closest i can ever get to anticipating his needs is making sure there is Coke in the house, coffee for his creamer, milk and chocolate syrup. Everything else is futile to try to guess. The other given is that he will take a Coke with his dinner and usually have coffee afterwards with a cigar (usually).

He has let me know his likes and dislikes and then it is just a case of asking him if he would like something at a time when he wanted something similar in the past.

BTW wildfleurs i loved yur post and your site. :)

Edited to add: i do know exactly how he likes his laundry folded and put away and can anticipate the things that take precident to wash. (He is, in his words, very maniacle (sp) when it comes to his clothing so this isn't a simple little thing) Would this count as anticipatory service?



jauntyone -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 12:03:26 PM)

As most have already stated, you learn through time, patience and paying attention.
 
melissa



kyraofMists -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 2:58:00 PM)

I refer to this as proactive service (service without a direct instruction) and it is something that is learned over time, very individualistic and is dependent on the relationship between the people. 
 
No two dominants will want to be served in the same way.  What one dominant may consider great service could just annoy another.  My Lord is very particular about some things and not so much about other things; refilling his glass when it is half-full would annoy him.  I have specific instructions on when to refill his glass and to make sure that he wants it refilled at all.  You have to find out how the person you are serving wants to be served. 
 
Pro-active service is also dependent on the relationship.  From your post it appears that you are not in a formal D/s relationship with this person, that you are friends and that the dominant is in a relationship with a submissive.  I think before you start trying to anticipate the needs/wants of the dominant, you should talk to the submissive and the dominant to find out if this is a service that they want you to fulfill.  It is possible that in being proactive to serve him that you will violate the boundaries of his submissive.  For someone to be proactive in serving my Lord without looking for guidance from alandra and me could possibly violate our boundaries.
 
My Lord will rarely want someone other than alandra or me to serve him.  He has a bottom (denika) and will occasionally play with others.  However, serving him is not what he primarily wants from them unless they specifically ask or are asked to help.  For them to do this without being requested could be a violation of mine and alandra’s boundaries.  He prefers denika to look to alandra and me for guidance on what she can help out with rather than for her to look to him.  On the occasions when she is alone with him, he prefers that she ask rather than just assuming that he wants to be served.  He really dislikes assumptions being made, even when being served.  For someone to presume that they can serve him because alandra or I are not around is highly annoying to him.
 
There is also a protocol between alandra and me as well.  Occasionally one of us will be designated primary server for the evening.  The primary server is in charge of making sure that he has what he needs.  For me to be proactive in serving him when alandra is the primary server would be disobedient and show a lack of respect for her boundaries.  It is a subtle shift of focus from serving him to helping her serve him, but it shows respect for their relationship and for her boundaries.
 
In this way our dynamic is somewhat high protocol.  In other relationships, it may not matter to either the dominant or the submissive but before you start being proactive, it is best to make sure that you won’t be stepping on toes.

Knight's kyra



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 3:03:45 PM)

Good point Kyra.

I knew things in one of my relationships had taken a very wrong turn when the wife made coffee for the master- something which had very specifically been given to me to do.



Wildfleurs -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 4:16:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: charismagirrl


BTW wildfleurs i loved yur post and your site. :)



I'm glad you like my site, as I mentioned in another recent thread an its strictly for clarification its Wildfleurs with a capital W.  I understand that some people don't capitalize their nickname, but I do (its not something I'm hugely uptight about, but I do find it important to clarify that to people).

C~



amayos -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 4:30:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bellanotte

I am confused as to the specifics of anticipatory service and how to learn to serve like that, and am hoping some Dom/mes and subs/slaves can give me feedback on more specifically what anticipatory service is/means to them, and also how the heck a girl could go about learning such?



I would say learning your Master's preferences are important, but most important of all is a proper mindset. One should be always vigilant and eager to obey. Serving with knowledge of forethought will help you in your obedience; it makes a difference in your reaction time to commands, and helps you to be more graceful and efficient. Anticipation lets me know my girl is thinking of me from moment to moment. She may not act upon that anticipation, but she sits upon her haunches, ready and waiting. What I might find troubling is perceived autonomy which comes through assumption. To my servants I simply say this: always err on the side of caution. If you are not certain, ask. You are not a nuisance when you ask. Not asking might hurt you, however.



bellanotte -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 6:08:57 PM)

kyra, your post (as well as many others!) was good, I had not thought of it in the terms of being "proactive," but that seems to describe it better than "anticipatory."

As to actually practicing proactive service with my Protector.... that is not something I am seeking to learn, and I may have not been very clear in my OP. My interest is more in terms of "how do you do it in general", with any Dominant, as I am still learning many aspects of service, and hope to go into any future relationships with as many skills as possible [:D] .

Thanks to the many of you who have provided wonderful answers. I was gone during the day longer than I thought I would be, I would have liked to monitor this a bit more closely.It seems the best answers are time and practice, two of the best friends of a sub *lol.* The tips provided on how to be more observant that several of you posted are especially helpful, I think that if I practice being more observant of people in general it may help me down the line if I ever do want to put this into practice.

Wildfleur/C.... thank you for the reference to the article, and I also love your site [;)]

belle




kyraofMists -> RE: Anticipatory service -- How do you learn to do it? (3/19/2007 6:35:39 PM)

bellanotte,

In my relationship, he expects me to be proactive, but I also have to balance it against not making an assumption about what he wants.  It takes time and practice to walk that edge.  Mostly I do it by asking questions.

Many of the things that outsiders might see and consider to be proactive are just me following standing orders.  We also communicate things by hand signals and someone may see me bring him a drink and not notice the instruction to do so because it was not communicated verbally.

The three of us flow very naturally together and I put my years of experience in bartending and waiting tables to good use in serving him. 

In general, I think time, patience, practice and communication will help you become proactive in your service.  Best of luck to you.

Knight's kyra



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