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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/19/2007 4:01:54 PM

slaveish

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The same rules that apply to trusting vanilla men also apply to trusting those of different flavors. Identifying as a submissive does not mean you stop thinking. It can be confusing - I remember those days - but the thing to remember is that you are still you. Be true to yourself first and the rest will fall into place.

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/19/2007 4:12:56 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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first words of advice:

they are not 'your dom' until they've taken a claim to you and you accept to be 'their submissive'. in other words, you are meeting a 'man' for the first time, who claims to be a 'dominant'; you are not meeting your dominant.

secondly:

you claim you wish to be 'trained'; what do you mean by that? unless you're talking about 'slave positions, gorean dances, or the ability to pee on command, bark loudly, give good head, eatting shit, etc.', i'm quite sure that there's nothing that you need specialized training in to be a good submissive. training, in my opinion, is nothing more than learning what you partner prefers and/or expects of you as far as behavior, etc.

thirdly:

i've traveled once only, in my entire life, to meet a dominant man on his turf; it almost cost me my life! i've had absolutely no problem whatsoever having people travel to meet me; one came in from another country in fact, and we pursued a wonderful relationship together for two years after that first meeting. meet on your home turf, in a location of your choice. i always meet for coffee at a local bookstore and then take it from there. a good man, whether he be a dominant man or not, will never expect or push for anything other than that initial meeting. of course, if they're interested in you and you in them, then before the coffee is consumed, you can bet they're already making plans to see you again, at your convenience, and usually it's just a play it by ear vanilla date. for those of us who've been around the block a while, sometimes we go straight from the coffee shop to the handcuffs and whips, sometimes not. it's always up to the submissive when push comes to shove, as to what the outcome of the date will be!

last but not least:

seek out an experienced submissive/bottom to perhaps 'mentor' you along the way. they can help get you a bit more street-smart and saavy as to all the bullshit that people will feed you, and if you're real lucky, even help you get in touch with who you are and why you feel you need/want/desire to even try to walk this path in the first place. not all bottoms are submissives, not all tops are doms; not all those who want to meet or play with you are interested in 'relationships', and not all of them want more than just a little kinky sex on the side. if you're real lucky, you'll meet a quality man who won't take advantage of your newness and naivety or chew you up and spit you out.

personally, i think you look like 'easy prey' to the crap-types, but i've been known to be wrong before. if i were you, i'd slow my ass down and figure out what you want, why you want it and do a little self-reflecting before putting myself out there on a silver platter, so to speak.

good luck, be careful, use common sense, stick to your guns, never let someone make you feel crappy for 'feeling a certain way', speak your piece, don't allow yourself to be pushed into doing/being something that you're not comfortable with, and above all, have fun!

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/19/2007 7:51:58 PM

azzmaster

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u don't need all this complicated advice... just contact azzmaster... the Dom of ur Dreams... do whatever he says, bring lube and wear a leather miniskirt and no panties.. and be prepared for a hard ride... all u need to know

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/19/2007 8:10:48 PM

SimplySubmissive

Posts: 216
Joined: 1/2/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: azzmaster

u don't need all this complicated advice... just contact azzmaster... the Dom of ur Dreams... do whatever he says, bring lube and wear a leather miniskirt and no panties.. and be prepared for a hard ride... all u need to know

very funny azzmaster, as I'm sure it was meant to be.. this is what NOT to do! lol
most of us that have been where you are now have the same adivice, advice I heard as well and ignored, because I liked all that Domly posturing and being ordered around.. it was all so new and yummy, and I finally found it!
When it comes down to it, it is still a relationship, with all the daily stuff all relationships have. There is just an added element, one that encompases as little or as much of that relationship as is right for the 2 of you. You have to figure out what you want and need. I learned that there were basically 2 kinds of Dominants that I ran across. Generalizing I know but still... one came on all strong, and wanted control right away, lots of posturing, and rules, and sexual stuff. The other was more interested in getting know me, my personality, likes, dislikes, wanted to "date", get to know each other in a normal "vanilla" kind of way. I learned that the first kind was usually less experienced, less likely to follow through or even care about all those rules.. and really just was a bedroom dominant. The second, was looking for long term. knew what was important to build trust, and would take control gradually, and much more comeplely in the long run. No hard and fast rules here, sometimes people do play on the first date, just as sometimes people have sex on a first date. Just think about the percentage of the conversations are play/sex related, and how much is getting to kow each other.
I've rambled, I know, sorry, just remember, go sloowwww!

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/19/2007 8:13:21 PM

azzmaster

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yeah u gotta b careful with the other doms, but i am special and i cum equiped with Thor...where's the love? sigh...

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/20/2007 2:54:13 PM

boundkitty

Posts: 62
Joined: 10/30/2006
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To the OP: I am also fairly new and have had a lot of the problems that you are experiencing. You have to do what is right and comfortable for you. Stay strong and be patient.

boundkitty

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/20/2007 3:39:02 PM

domiguy

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Ok here is what you need to know....You meet Doms just the like way you have always dated...No different....Someone suggested waiting 5 or 10 "dates"...That is simply a horrible idea....Most men will die from some form of prostate cancer in that time....The "Three Date rule" applies just as readily here...If you don't know in three dates it aint happening.

Oh and one last thing! When you decide it is "time" try not to poo or bleed excessively....Feel better already, don'tcha.

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/20/2007 4:37:01 PM

outlier

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Joined: 10/22/2005
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FiestyFi,

Your post reminded me of another I read and so I went and found it.

Only this young lady made the mistake of "playing" with the wrong person.

The title was: Lacking Sub Hunger

http://www.collarchat.com/m_492879/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#493045

In one of the responses a woman named Vancouver_cinful posted the
following quote from a well known BDSM author and teacher.

"I shall not play for the sole reason of obligation or expectation. I shall play only as my passion moves me to play. I shall enter into the moments of SM to feed an honest hunger, and not for the sake of wanton and destructive gluttony."

by Midori: (essay: Why SM? book: Wild Side Sex)

While you are there checking this post out I recommend Noah's post.
I still think it is one of the best ever on these boards.

You are under NO I repeat NO obligation to do anything to be submissive.
What it will mean to you is what you and dominant you choose make it.
And if he is not listening to you, not sensitive to you, then say goodbye and
find one who will be. Trust should not be given, it should be earned.

All the best in your search,
Outlier

Edited to ad that the post from daddysliloneds is excellent!

< Message edited by outlier -- 3/20/2007 4:46:52 PM >

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Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness - and, often,
the waiting." Pete Seeger

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/20/2007 10:01:39 PM

mdewinter

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/18/2007
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Hi
Just wanted to let you know how I met the person who is a dominant in my life. I am completely new to the lifestyle, ie, got my first flogging in 1/07, and came from some 100%vanilla bean marriage. Long story short, he has play parties on a monthly basis. I sent him emails and we wrote for about a week and he wanted to meet in real time. We went out on several very vanilla dates, then a week later, we played at his party. We found we had a great deal in common and he has taught me many things about being a submissive and the lifestyle. Some of the advice that I had from him was very useful and I would like to share it with you. Circulate. The way to meet people is go to munches and different public events, play parties. Meet first in public and if at all possible, watch the person interact with other people in the community or how they play. You choose to be submissive, but that does not mean being a doormat. If someone suggests something offensive, you have the right to say no. If they come on like a ton of bricks, you may want to be cautious. In some ways, if you are looking to establish an interpersonal relationship, you may not want to rush into having sex. The dom I am with, is not into quick 1st time sex. It has actually been very refreshing to not use sex as a relationship accelerator. If sex is good, you can use it to justify a lot of bad behavior. Just be careful and use your head. If something seems wrong, it probably is. Even in this world, no means no.be very cautious of people who don't want to meet in public.
There are so many great people in most bdsm communities, but there are also some scums, so just be careful. You may truly find yourself at someones mercy, and you don't want to figure out that they are merciless right after the gag is in place and the lock clicks shut on your wrist restraints.
mdewinter

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/20/2007 10:10:22 PM

LadyAyla7053

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FiestyFi

Hello everyone and everybody...

I'm struggling to understand this lifestyle, it seems just when I begin to understand it, something else is said, or done to confuse me again. Now I don't know if the way I've been thinking means that my thoughts/feelings/beliefs are wrong or right.

As a newbie submissive I'm seeking a dominant guy to train me to become a good submissive, although I have ideas,am creative about being a submissive, spend a lot of time learning about the lifestyle and my role as a sub. I feel I sometimes have little knowledge or experience to fall back on. Which is why I seek you wise people with this to help me.

I seem to fall down on issues about meeting, maybe that is because I'm scared and nervous, or maybe because I feel the need to protect myself. I feel to me trust is important, I do not feel safe meeting a dom and doing anything remotely kinky on the first date. I have chatted with a few doms who seem to disagree, they either expect some kind of service from me straight away or to travel miles to them! There never seems to be any middle ground or compromise, should I not expect that as sub?

I've always felt and believed that you need to get to know someone as a person before trusting them to tie you up and use you. I feel you need to understand a lot about each other before you can give yourself to that person. So am I wrong to expect a vanilla start to a 'meeting' for a while, before anything mildly kinky related enters the 'relationship'?

Can you have normal vanilla dates whilst you spend time getting to know your dom before you both start to build on the bdsm element?

I feel being a newbie that many doms are turned off by this suggestion. I also find many don't seem to want to build a relationship, I know the relationship word scares a lot of men, and I suppose ultimately, its not really the right word to describe what I want.

I suppose as a newbie I want my first experiences into this lifestyle to be right, to be safe, to feel secure, able to trust my dom, to enjoy what we do, but above all I don't want it to be one night, one week or even one month. I want something that is going to last, I don't want to put myself out there, available to be used and discarded so quickly, I want someone to shape me over time. So why is it some doms don't want this at all? Surely for a true dom/sub situation to work you need to consider the time element?

So really all I am asking is for any opinions, suggestions, or advice. Thank you all once again for being here when I need to understand.

Fiestyfi x

Hello Feistyfi,
First let me say as others here have said. "Don't let anyone make you do something that you don't want to do." Being a submissive doesn't make you a doormat. Scening on a first time meeting for me is never a good idea. Especially when one is a newbie. As you said the trust level isn't there and how on earth can you enjoy yourself if you can't trust the person completely. Also a good idea is to ask for references if the person you are talking to states he or she is active in the lifestyle or has been in the lifestyle for a while. Most of us that have been in the lifestyle are at the very least known in out perspective communities on some level. Also always meet in a public vanilla place. A good place would be like a book store or coffee shop or even a regular resturant. So long as it's public and has lots and lots of people. If the person you are talking to cares not only about your safety but thier own that says a lot. I hope what I have said helps even a little. Be safe....

Lady Ayla

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RE: Advice about meeting your dom... - 3/21/2007 2:25:30 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

Ok here is what you need to know....You meet Doms just the like way you have always dated...No different....Someone suggested waiting 5 or 10 "dates"...That is simply a horrible idea....Most men will die from some form of prostate cancer in that time....The "Three Date rule" applies just as readily here...If you don't know in three dates it aint happening.

Oh and one last thing! When you decide it is "time" try not to poo or bleed excessively....Feel better already, don'tcha.

domi, you are so entertaining

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