quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Fake smiles in the now lead to horrible heartbreaks in the future.

A few frowns here and there lead to real smiles long term.

quote:

ORIGINAL: raevnn

Periods of time can be set aside in which the submissive/slave is allowed to speak what is on their mind without fear of retribution.... if that is how the relationship is set up.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous

agreed, but like LA alluded to in reference to journaling, i recently learned that unless followed up in person, it is generally just like blogging: to no avail

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Oh I like the idea of putting that into a bound journal [:D] . May I steal that idea?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

I tend to react by withdrawing and not saying much (my patent phrase is, "ok").  My owner tends to do the same thing as well which makes life interesting.  What I usually try to do is process and then reach out to him.

I try to wait until the right moment to mention it, but sometimes there is no good moment so I just do what I call a verbal vomit (I just let it all out).  My tendency is to hold things in because I can be very cutting and blunt without meaning to be so, and while I'm used a family environment where you just say what you feel and talk and maybe argue it out for about ten minutes then its all over my owner tends to not be like that and so I tend to try to be more careful about what I say and how I say it.  But I've never been gagged from talking about how I feel, if anything he does encourage me to talk about it. 

I'm not a huge fan of blogging or emailing out disagreements or issues, I've found that it can be to much of a crutch.  My preference is to talk things out face to face and try to touch during it also. (My owner would never cop to it, but he likes tears, genuine displays of remorse, and such).

C~

Edited for formatting and clarification.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking

I keep reading the book, “How to be the perfect slave for the perfect Master 101”, but some days the principles just don’t kick in.  (Plus I’ve had the book too long to get a refund,..*grin*)

quote:

What solutions in communication do you use to avoid your gag in the relationship?  
 

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
Thank you wildfleurs....so, you actually don't have a problem with verbalizing...just stepping back a bit to do it in a manner for the best interest of the relationship ....
 
Good deal.

quote:

So, am I understanding correctly that you would  actually prefer your submissive to come with deep-seeded issues in writing, so that it's handled more on a logical instead of emotional base for both of  you

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

It's pretty simple here...  I have been instructed to share everything with him.  To not do so would be disobedient.  How I share can happen in a variety of ways.

I am an introvert and when I am feeling very emotional about a topic it is difficult for me to come up with the words I need to express myself appropriately.  During these times, I will resort to writing because I express myself much better that way.  Writing can happen in the form of a journal or through email.  I will often leave a word document up all day and just add thoughts as they come to me. 

There is also a lot of verbal communication with less emotionally hot topics.  With both writing and verbal communication there are some simple rules that I have learned to follow with him, don't make assumptions, don't talk in absolutes and don't make negative judgements about self.  Learning to eliminate these things from communication has helped me eliminate them from my thoughts and has resolved a lot of my issues.

I can also ask to vent.  It is extremely rare for me to use this protocol to vent about him; I mostly use it for work.  Anything said within a vent can not be held or used against me.  It is a safe place to get things off my chest and get past that first rush of emotions.  I have to ask for permission to do this and if he is in the frame of mind to listen objectively he will give me permission (when I vent about work he often struggles to withhold his laughter).  Once the vent is over; it is done.  If there is an underlying issue that needs to be discussed then we will discuss it calmly, but what is said within the vent is left there.

It is very important to both of us that this protocol is not abused.  Mostly it is used to unload the stresses of work and it is rarely used for issues within the relationship.

Knight's kyra

*edited to add that it will often take me days if not weeks to work through things in my own mind.  It can be emotionally taxing on me but he enjoys this time because he gets lots of feedback from me.  I have just come through one of those times so my writing to him has decreased quite a bit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

So, am I understanding correctly that you would  actually prefer your submissive to come with deep-seeded issues in writing, so that it's handled more on a logical instead of emotional base for both of  you

It is a tool and no tool is universal.  Emotion is fine if that emotion is under control.  Some people can talk about insecurities, emotional hurts, and such without getting defensive or angry other times the issue may be too big for them and that is when I find writing helps.

Ideally people can be open and communicate openly about deep issues, it is certainly where I prefer to be although few are perfect at it and I include myself in that group.

As for logic, it can be as twisted and full of projected issues as anything else and is no substitute for clarity.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking 
Are you gagged by your own thoughts and words and prefer not to discuss it, but knowing in a healthy relationship dependent upon communication that you need to?
 
Or
 
Do you  immediately want to share ALL your thoughts and words until it’s at the brink of disrespect, and you are gagged with the command, “Enough” or even possibly the real gag?
 
What solutions in communication do you use to avoid your gag in the relationship?  

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
It's pretty simple here...  I have been instructed to share everything with him.  To not do so would be disobedient.  How I share can happen in a variety of ways.

I am an introvert and when I am feeling very emotional about a topic it is difficult for me to come up with the words I need to express myself appropriately.  During these times, I will resort to writing because I express myself much better that way.  Writing can happen in the form of a journal or through email.  I will often leave a word document up all day and just add thoughts as they come to me. 

There is also a lot of verbal communication with less emotionally hot topics.  With both writing and verbal communication there are some simple rules that I have learned to follow with him, don't make assumptions, don't talk in absolutes and don't make negative judgements about self.  Learning to eliminate these things from communication has helped me eliminate them from my thoughts and has resolved a lot of my issues.

*edited to add that it will often take me days if not weeks to work through things in my own mind.  It can be emotionally taxing on me but he enjoys this time because he gets lots of feedback from me.  I have just come through one of those times so my writing to him has decreased quite a bit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I related to most of this post (I edited out the venting part because I don't get to do that) and highlighted the critical part.  I am required to share everything.  The only time I am gagged is when he physically gags me.  Any issue/concern/angst/etc. I feel within this relationship must be expressed.  He has always made this clear - He may not like what I have to say, in fact it may even anger him, but he needs to know it.  Otherwise, what good is his control/guidance/instruction?  Otherwise he is leading me down one path (or thinks he is) while I'm lingering around on another, and this is a recipe for disaster.  What if, thinking I'm mentally and emotionally someplace I'm not, he leads me somewhere that ends up damaging as a result? 

My expression of such things comes best through writing.  A couple of times when I was having a particularly difficult time with something, I was instructed to keep a Word document up and jot down every thought on the subject that came to me, and send it to him at the end of the day.  This not only informed him of what was in my head, but it helped me understand what I was thinking, too.

I also learned that the way in which I express my thoughts, even in writing, makes a difference.  "I think you were an asshole last night" has a much different result, say, than "I was really disturbed by something you said last night..." Not that I have ever called him an asshole, but that's an extreme example.  The better I learned to express myself, the better results I received.

But truly, nothing is withheld.  He won't tolerate withdrawing.  And yet he knows I may take a few days to process thoughts about an event that occurred.  He can usually tell when that's happening, and he'll give me the space to do so. Only once has he said I was never to bring something up again.  But that didn't work so well because a week or so later when I was feeling down, he asked why I wasn't telling him about it.  I said "I am not allowed." and I asked him what happens when I am disturbed by something I am not allowed to talk about?  So he let me talk about it and it was worked out so that I never needed to bring it up again.

But the gist of this is, what's the point in him owning my mind and heart if I hold it back from him?   I am not a slave to him the way I need to be a slave to him if I do not give everything over, including my thoughts.  And it seemed the more I gave over, the more I realized how safe it really was to do so.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
Thank you, ownedgirlie
 
I can really relate and you did inform and inspire in my own application of the gag I create for myself.
 
You made several good points that hits home for me and your sharing is greatly appreciated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

This seems to be a theme today,
Alanis Morissette, So-Called Chaos, 

Out Is Through

Every time you raise your voice I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk I picture a different choice
Anytime we're in a rut, this distant grandeur

my tendency to want to do away feels natural
my urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable but I know

The only way out is through ultimately

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

This seems to be a theme today,
Alanis Morissette, So-Called Chaos, 

Out Is Through

Every time you raise your voice I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk I picture a different choice
Anytime we're in a rut, this distant grandeur

my tendency to want to do away feels natural
my urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable but I know

The only way out is through ultimately

Thank you LA for this quote.  i am reminded of sailing and how to deal with the waves that would sink a ship.  If you turn the stern of the ship toward the wave to run away, it will surely catch you and swamp the ship.  If you turn sideways (ignore) to the wave it will capsize the ship and it will surely sink.  The only way to deal with the wave is to meet it head on, confront it with confidence and ride through it.  Yes, the only way out is through.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

I think I am more of the B type..I am an extremely verbal person,I do try to tone it down and attempt to make it less emotional ,so thus I feel as if more attention would be paid to what I was saying..But I am sure my Master would be tempted to gag the hell out of me.:0)....Tempting