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D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, Dom ... - 3/19/2007 8:45:09 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am hoping this Q doesn't get switched to the "Switch" forum, because I am hoping for responses from anyone w/experience, or just more considered responses, regardless of experience, from Doms/Dommes and submissives/slaves, who may have thoughts on this idea, regardless of whether they are Switches. Switches please feel free to answer, too, though, because your thoughts are definitely needed also.

I am taking a few weeks to mull over just exactly what is is I am looking for, and I've been pondering this idea (below) all day.

My question is: When someone is relatively new in terms of bdsm experience, and has an inclination to go from being a submissive to a Mistress or a Master - for the purpose of discovering more about a potential side of themselves they think they have  definite interest and appreciation for, but haven't yet experiemented with, as far as bdsm "scening" -  is there any particular length of time recommended - say days, months, or a year, in this new D/s identity, to be able to really know if one is submissive or Dominant - as opposed to a true Switch? 
 
*This question I ask out of sheer curiosity. And I also am hoping to possibly prevent mis-haps in future relationships (if they'd occur due. More on that below.)

So far, I really do think I am a Switch, but have never acted on my Domme fantasies (and I lately have been having Domme fantasies at least as often as submissive fantasies, and have always had Domme fantasies). I know I can attend play parties and do scenes with people that last a few hours, to discover myself more fully, and I think I am going to do that. But I am also relationship oriented, and I am wondering how Switches out there reconcile that part, as far as discovering themselves (or if anyone had advice about that.)

I don't see myself ever ever wanting to give up the submissive side to my D/s orientation - I just plain like it too much, and I wouldn't want to do that. I have a over a year of real-life experience as a submissive, and enjoyed it very much. But I've had almost as many Domme fantasies as submissive fantasies.

*I don't really know for sure yet, do I? No. I don't consider myself confused, really - I consider myself  "in personal growth mode" I guess, as far as wanting to examine the opposing side to my D/s orientation. Because I've always had an interest, even though at times, my suspected "Domme" side has seemed to almost disappear - at other times, it has almost appeared to totally overtake my fantasies.  

*I also don't want to hurt a potential or actual partner who wold think they were getting a Switch, and then end up with me as a person of only one orientation - a Domme or  submissive (and if they weren't also Poly, and willing to let me experiment, I might). Is this an unusual question or dilemma to have? I am starting to feel a bit like an alien.

sidenote: I have no "issue" with being a Switch - as I truly think it is probably inherent in me, and both a submissive and a Domme side to my D/s desires exist. I have no problem turning one side of my D/s identity off so the other one can come out (and in my fantasies, this ability is pretty well-controlled). So, I don't see it becoming an issue for me, as far as displeasing a partner who only ever wanted to scene with one "side" (as far as I can tell anyway, thus far). But - how does one really, truly know that they are not one or the other, but both?

Is there a way to tell for sure? Does it matter?

To me, being a Switch is akin in some ways to being Poly (for example), in that there are going to be quite a few folks who don't understand it, and shy away from you for wanting it - that's okay with me, as we'd maybe never get along in a LTR anyway. So that, IMO, settles that. (End of mini-rant on that aspect, and thanks for listening).

Thanks for listening, and I really do  appreciate any thoughts and replies to the Q in bold print, as well as other comments or personal experiences anyone can offer to shed more light on all of this.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/19/2007 9:44:57 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 9:48:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Time and experience is the only way to know anything about whether one's orientation will be what it is.  I think most people know fairly solidly after a few years, but even after a decade, big changes can happen.

As long as people don't tell me what I WILL feel like in a few years (aka I'm going to want to be a mother), it's all good. 

It's a good idea that if you aren't sure, you shouldn't make a commitment to someone else.  However, if you make a commitment sincerely believing you are sure and come to find out different later- you deal as best you can at the time.  Life happens.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 9:53:04 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks, LA, that is reassuring to hear.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:03:35 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Wonderful post  Susan, I am sure there are those that are not sure when they begin
this lifestyle, especially if they are young.
Life is fluid and people change....
I am the Dominant partner, I don't see that changing---but 
I will always be submissive  when I am sick, incapicitated or dying, but I don't think that counts!
It is so nice having a sweet submissive take care of you when you are not feeling well.
So for me, I am Dominant from the womb to the tomb.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 3/19/2007 10:06:02 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:06:38 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the reply, Mz Mia. I know, I know lateley I've been thinking more about male submissives and just thinking:
What's not to like about the whole idea? Not much, a far as I can see.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/19/2007 10:07:21 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MzMia)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:07:48 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well Susan, I think right now you're still floating around a lot and while being in a situation that seems as if you're in control of things and therefore it's all going to be cool sounds and looks quite appealing- I'm not at all certain it's something you should seriously approach at this point.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:08:46 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Thanks for the reply, Mz Mia. I know, I know lateley I've been thinking more about male submissives and just thinking:
What's not to like about the whole idea? Not much, a far as I can see.

- Susan


LOL, I know you identify as a switch Susan, but I see a strong Dominant streak in you---
come on over to the dark side, Susan! We have cookies for you here!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:17:12 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am not ready for a relationship yet. Although a scene or two w/ a male submissive (as long as they know I have no experience) would be fine with me. I'd never let someone think I was an experienced Domme (they'd probably know I had no experience anyway, maybe.) 

My fantasies are pretty "Domme-driven", lately, (as much as submissive-driven) and when I am in "scene mode", I can get so into an idea, that even though it is role-playing to a degree, the mind-set required is something I am completely into, so, experience may end up not mattering so much. Not to dismiss experience (not at all), but, we all have to start somewhere. But I'd definitely have more reading to do, too, and I'd also need some "toys" and solo practice with them (on pillows, etc).

I'd never let the other person think I was an experienced Domme, for a scene. I'd tell them I had none, but really wanted to experiment, and had read and practiced a bit on toys at home (and it would be their call, of course, as far as sceneing with me or not).

I am also making it very clear if I scene with a male submissive in the near future, that I am not relationship-seeking now (and try to get a definite feel for whether they can truly accept that). I am not ready for a relationship yet, but am really curious about how other folks deal with this on a relationship level, because I do think eventually it might come up - and what other peoples' experiences have been with this situation (and-or their opinions).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/19/2007 10:38:03 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:22:07 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		i dunno.

I'm still not sure if i am one, the other, both or neither.  i tried to solve my own question by summing it up to what leaves me with the warm fuzzies at the end of the day.  At the end of the day..... how do i feel? 

When i have been the dominant partner in a relationship (even tho they were vanilla) i was cold, calculating, unfeeling, uncaring.

In my relationship now, at the end of the day - i feel warm, fuzzy, content, less anxiety, less stress.  Curling up at my Master's feet..... leaves me content and warm/fuzzy.  Doing something properly - warm fuzzies.  Ect, ect, ect

Nothing about being Dominant with another - gives me any warm fuzzy feeling whats so ever.  So i dont look at it as sexually based.  i look at it, with what leaves me feeling fullfilled. 

So, i've knocked it down to being pretty sure i am an s - type.  (Notice i said, pretty sure).  Now if i could just figure out which s - type.  LOL


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:23:28 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		i've played both sides of the fence as submissive for others while being "Mistress" for a few. i can honestly say that while enjoying my explosive and sadistic Mistress side, i find it a tad boring ...perhaps it's me and/or the guys i get to "Domme" - don't really know for sure. i do know once the novelity of being that Mistress to these men wore off, i immediately reverted back to my submissive side. i feel more comfortable being a submissive i suppose than i do being a Mistress.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to MzMia)
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RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:26:53 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Well Susan go for it, but you know there are also all types of Dominants.
I myself am NOT a heavy player, that does not interest me.
I actually seek a male submissive wife, have you read anything about Female Supremacy?
I enjoy Elise Sutton a lot.
The idea of my "male" wife cooking, cleaning and worshipping me, just does it for me.
You will find your own style and what you want and enjoy, there are all types out here.
In fact, my current hopeful tells me all the time he wants to be my wife.
ahhhhhhhhhh it makes me smile. He keeps asking about taking my last name, is that legal?
hahahahahahahahahaha

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:29:12 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate the replies a lot. It's a Q that has intrigued me for awhile. Thank you.

I tell ya' - lately my imagination has been in over-drive. I can see the benefits of being a strict, pretty Sadistic Mistress and a very compassionate, caring Mistress - all in the same scene, or in separate scenes. I don't think of Mistresses as cold - any more than I think of male Doms as cold (and for the most part, I don't). I think the person who is the Dominant makes all the difference (as well as the perceptions and needs of the submissive). But I don't have real experience to go on so far, just fantasies. I appreciate all the replies. I need the feed-back (or at least want it) and have no idea where I will end up, really, although right now I myself do enjoy being a submissive very much.

I am going to start reading the Mistress forum more often.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/19/2007 10:32:28 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:32:24 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Well Susan, start posting more on Ask A Mistress!
There are some wonderful women there with a lot of experience and they
are very friendly and helpful.
I have only been in this lifestyle a few years, and many of us are still learning!
We can learn together.
You bring the floggers and the handcuffs.
LOL

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:35:24 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		That's a good idea, thanks. One thing I know I'd never do is wallop someone without practicing first at least on pillows and such.

To me that would be plain irresponsible. I'd do a lot of reading, as far as how to use particular "toys", and let the other person know if it was the first time I'd used one, and we'd go slow. This wouldn't necesarily have to take a lot of the fun or meaning out of it for the other person, as I do believe I could still keep my "Mistress mind-set". Any thoughts on that, from anyone?

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:36:50 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		I admire you for trying both sides, the only submissive act I enjoy is about a 2 minute spanking.
I gave up the idea of being a submissive when I thought of doing harmful acts to the person dominating
me that could result in me going to prison and also the nightmares I had of pretending I was a
submissive and I woke up screaming.
So, I don't think I will ever be a submissive in a Ds relationship, I don't want to be on court t.v.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:41:01 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Oh. Well I appreciate yor perspective just the same. I think I am kind of in the minority, maybe, because I seem to have no trouble getting into having fantasies about either orientation, although my real-life experience has been as a submissive. As fas as male submissives go, I want to "hurt" them, sure, but only if it's completely consensual. I also want to care about them as people, talk to them, etc. But a real-life experience (or several) will probably tell me more about what it's like for me, I guess.

You may have no idea how many male Dominants seem to be turned off by the whole "Switch" idea (although - and this is not a flame to any - I've noticed it is not usually the ones w/more experience who feel that way, sometimes. Not much I can do about it - I can't change who I am. I mean I can, but why bother if it wouldn't really "stick"? (and I know you didn't mean anything by saying that, and you were just relating your own experience. If I was a Mistress alone,(as opposed to having some sub experience)  I imagine I couldn't fathom it either.

I gotta go right now, but I appreciate any advice or thoughts any want to toss out. and I'll be back to read this thread. Thanks so much, people. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/19/2007 10:50:25 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:53:28 PM   
LadyAyla7053


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am hoping this Q doesn't get switched to the "Switch" forum, because I am hoping for responses from anyone w/experience, or just more considered responses, regardless of experience, from Doms/Dommes and submissives/slaves, who may have thoughts on this idea, regardless of whether they are Switches. Switches please feel free to answer, too, though, because your thoughts are definitely needed also.

I am taking a few weeks to mull over just exactly what is is I am looking for, and I've been pondering this idea (below) all day.

My question is: When someone is relatively new in terms of bdsm experience, and has an inclination to go from being a submissive to a Mistress or a Master - for the purpose of discovering more about a potential side of themselves they think they have  definite interest and appreciation for, but haven't yet experiemented with, as far as bdsm "scening" -  is there any particular length of time recommended - say days, months, or a year, in this new D/s identity, to be able to really know if one is submissive or Dominant - as opposed to a true Switch? 
 
*This question I ask out of sheer curiosity. And I also am hoping to possibly prevent mis-haps in future relationships (if they'd occur due. More on that below.)

So far, I really do think I am a Switch, but have never acted on my Domme fantasies (and I lately have been having Domme fantasies at least as often as submissive fantasies, and have always had Domme fantasies). I know I can attend play parties and do scenes with people that last a few hours, to discover myself more fully, and I think I am going to do that. But I am also relationship oriented, and I am wondering how Switches out there reconcile that part, as far as discovering themselves (or if anyone had advice about that.)

I don't see myself ever ever wanting to give up the submissive side to my D/s orientation - I just plain like it too much, and I wouldn't want to do that. I have a over a year of real-life experience as a submissive, and enjoyed it very much. But I've had almost as many Domme fantasies as submissive fantasies.

*I don't really know for sure yet, do I? No. I don't consider myself confused, really - I consider myself  "in personal growth mode" I guess, as far as wanting to examine the opposing side to my D/s orientation. Because I've always had an interest, even though at times, my suspected "Domme" side has seemed to almost disappear - at other times, it has almost appeared to totally overtake my fantasies.  

*I also don't want to hurt a potential or actual partner who wold think they were getting a Switch, and then end up with me as a person of only one orientation - a Domme or  submissive (and if they weren't also Poly, and willing to let me experiment, I might). Is this an unusual question or dilemma to have? I am starting to feel a bit like an alien.

sidenote: I have no "issue" with being a Switch - as I truly think it is probably inherent in me, and both a submissive and a Domme side to my D/s desires exist. I have no problem turning one side of my D/s identity off so the other one can come out (and in my fantasies, this ability is pretty well-controlled). So, I don't see it becoming an issue for me, as far as displeasing a partner who only ever wanted to scene with one "side" (as far as I can tell anyway, thus far). But - how does one really, truly know that they are not one or the other, but both?

Is there a way to tell for sure? Does it matter?

To me, being a Switch is akin in some ways to being Poly (for example), in that there are going to be quite a few folks who don't understand it, and shy away from you for wanting it - that's okay with me, as we'd maybe never get along in a LTR anyway. So that, IMO, settles that. (End of mini-rant on that aspect, and thanks for listening).

Thanks for listening, and I really do  appreciate any thoughts and replies to the Q in bold print, as well as other comments or personal experiences anyone can offer to shed more light on all of this.

- Susan


That can be a tricky question.  For my own experience I started in the lifestyle as a submissive/slave...  At the time I didn't know there was a inbetween although I think I really should have...  As for knowing if you will always be a "submissive, slave, switch, dominant or what ever other title you wish to use" only you really know...  To me being in the lifestyle is similiar to a river...  A river is always changing and it's never the same thing...  Being in the lifestyle is the same thing...  One is always learning and growing within the lifestyle and no matter what one is never the same thing as they were a day ago let alone a year ago...  Just my two cents worth...  Don't know if I helped any but if I did cool...

Lady Ayla

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:57:16 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks LadyAyla, that is reassuring.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LadyAyla7053)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 10:58:38 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		i think that's one of my biggest fears while trying the Domme side to me. whenever i had a guy say "spank me harder", "squeeze my testicles hard until i pass out" or "jump, stomp, beat, pound me while walking in your heel", my first concern was for their health and safety ...i didn't want to hurt them to the point they would need to seek medical care. like you said, didn't want to end up on Court TV.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: D/s Identity-can you tell if you'll always be sub, ... - 3/19/2007 11:01:08 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah, I hear you on that, sambamanslilgirl. In my fantasies, I can be really Sadistic, as well as tender. However in real-life, while I am pretty sure I could be "tough", I'd have a difficult time being truly brutal, I think. Maybe that's just my personality, maybe 'cuz I am also submissive, I dunno.

-Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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