RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (Full Version)

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junecleaver -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 12:49:33 PM)

I don't know.  I've never been dumped by a vanilla.  I have vanilla friends who have ended decade long relationships and been absolutely torn up about it.   Readjustment after a break up is hard for someone who was very dependent on their partner.  Dependency on one's partner can happen in a vanilla relationship too.  I think it might just be more common amongst those involved in power exchange. So I'm going with...relationship break ups are harder for those who are dependent on their partners than those who are not.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 2:54:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
Do you agree that ending a BDSM relationship is different and that the sub can experience emotions that wouldn't crop up in a vanilla relationship end? Would anyone care to share their experiences in this?

No.

The idea that I if tomorrow my master died and my sisters husbands died and I would think "Well at least she's not experiencing all the things that *I* am having to go through or as badly" is just completely disgusting to me.



Wow, i didn't think of it that way. Thank you for making me really think. I guess i haven't had enough serious relationships that ended up with breakups to have a good opinion on that.  But i did lose my husband when i was 34. we had been together since i was 17. It was devastating in so many ways. I still only vaguely remember the first 6 months, eventhough i did not visably fall apart (i had a job and kid to deal with, no time for me!).  I can't imagine a D/s relationship being a worse experience. Equal. Maybe, if i can get to that point of someone meaning that much to me again....



mixielicous -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 5:38:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
Do you agree that ending a BDSM relationship is different and that the sub can experience emotions that wouldn't crop up in a vanilla relationship end? Would anyone care to share their experiences in this?

No.

The idea that I if tomorrow my master died and my sisters husbands died and I would think "Well at least she's not experiencing all the things that *I* am having to go through or as badly" is just completely disgusting to me.



Wow, i didn't think of it that way. Thank you for making me really think. I guess i haven't had enough serious relationships that ended up with breakups to have a good opinion on that. But i did lose my husband when i was 34. we had been together since i was 17. It was devastating in so many ways. I still only vaguely remember the first 6 months, eventhough i did not visably fall apart (i had a job and kid to deal with, no time for me!). I can't imagine a D/s relationship being a worse experience. Equal. Maybe, if i can get to that point of someone meaning that much to me again....

that may be so for your sister, but i know for me i would not get as emotionally involved with someone who was vanilla, well b/c the bond wouldnt be as strong. But for vanillas, where that IS their bond, and it is as strong and as loving as any of ours, yes there is no way to compare..

but if it were just in terms of me comparing my own D/s relationship Vs. a Nilla, the D/s would be more devastating. but only b/c the M/s/D/s is what creates that bond for me



juliaoceania -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 5:52:53 PM)

quote:

Do you agree that ending a BDSM relationship is different and that the sub can experience emotions that wouldn't crop up in a vanilla relationship end? Would anyone care to share their experiences in this?

 
I have only had one break up of a D/s relationship. I hope to never experience another. I find it hard to compare to be honest. I take every relationship ending in a different way, I process it differently, I react differently to each heart ache.
 
I was kind of traumatized by the ending of my only D/s relationship prior to the one I enjoy now. It turned out to hurt more while I was in it than after I digested that it was over. Love shouldn't hurt that badly, it is not healthy to hurt that much while one is with another person. I am a submissive, not a martyr[;)]. He did not hold my hand.  He could not deal with it, he just quit talking to me. I know he knew he hurt me, but that is his cross to bear, because I am more than ok these days, and the love I have now does not hurt.
 
I would say my Daddy helped me heal that, he held my hand. He took the time to reassure me. I did not need this other person, because if he had of held my hand he may have stayed in the way of my finding someone else suitable for me. If he held my hand I may have not sought a new relationship so soon after ours ended. Everything happens for a reason. I would prefer a dom get out of my way if he does not want me anymore. I am an Aries though, and we tend to be that way according to my Daddy.[:D]



BeachMystress -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 6:30:41 PM)

My personal feeling is that if the person felt the breakup was worse for them when it was a BDSM one, that their experience is a valid one.  I've never seen the sense in denying someone else's feelings or experiences. We've had posts here from some who found it to be the same as vanilla and I accept that to them that is the truth.  HOWEVER, I also respect and believe those who were kind enough to share that when they experienced a BDSM break up it was more devastating than a vanilla one. Not everyone shares the same truth  or views on life. It saddened me to see  that some felt the need to devalue others as being disgusting if they felt that BDSM relationships were deeper for them than vanilla ones. I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.  Sharing views is great, but to tell someone like Devilslilsister that her view and experience is "degrading to the suffering of a lot of people" seems quite over the top to me! I am constantly astounded by those who feel their views are the only way things are in this world.



AquaticSub -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 6:38:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

My personal feeling is that if the person felt the breakup was worse for them when it was a BDSM one, that their experience is a valid one.  I've never seen the sense in denying someone else's feelings or experiences. We've had posts here from some who found it to be the same as vanilla and I accept that to them that is the truth.  HOWEVER, I also respect and believe those who were kind enough to share that when they experienced a BDSM break up it was more devastating than a vanilla one. Not everyone shares the same truth  or views on life. It saddened me to see  that some felt the need to devalue others as being disgusting if they felt that BDSM relationships were deeper for them than vanilla ones. I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.  Sharing views is great, but to tell someone like Devilslilsister that her view and experience is "degrading to the suffering of a lot of people" seems quite over the top to me! I am constantly astounded by those who feel their views are the only way things are in this world.


I don't think anyone said that. I think to pretend that our heartaches are somehow worse then those of the vanilla folk is arrogant. Your heartache over being left by a particular master may be worse then your friend's heartache at being left by her boyfriend. However to say that the vanilla folk experience less pain and trauma at being left then we do as a rule is just arrogant.

As I've said before, I strongly suspect that we feel more pain at the loss of a d/s relationship because we were happier in it then in our vanilla ones. It's really not fair to compare the two. I was unhappy in my vanilla relationships so of course I cared less about them in general. However, there was that four month relationship that I mourned an entire year for. It was an entirely vanilla relationship.

I'm not trying to devalue another's experiences. I'm trying to say that we shouldn't devalue the emotions of vanillas. They go through the same pain and suffering we do and they have the same chance at being emotionally devastated by their breakup. Why should we say otherwise?



hisannabelle -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 6:40:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

My personal feeling is that if the person felt the breakup was worse for them when it was a BDSM one, that their experience is a valid one.  I've never seen the sense in denying someone else's feelings or experiences. We've had posts here from some who found it to be the same as vanilla and I accept that to them that is the truth.  HOWEVER, I also respect and believe those who were kind enough to share that when they experienced a BDSM break up it was more devastating than a vanilla one. Not everyone shares the same truth  or views on life. It saddened me to see  that some felt the need to devalue others as being disgusting if they felt that BDSM relationships were deeper for them than vanilla ones. I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.  Sharing views is great, but to tell someone like Devilslilsister that her view and experience is "degrading to the suffering of a lot of people" seems quite over the top to me! I am constantly astounded by those who feel their views are the only way things are in this world.


I don't think anyone said that. I think to pretend that our heartaches are somehow worse then those of the vanilla folk is arrogant. Your heartache over being left by a particular master may be worse then your friend's heartache at being left by her boyfriend. However to say that the vanilla folk experience less pain and trauma at being left then we do as a rule is just arrogant.

As I've said before, I strongly suspect that we feel more pain at the loss of a d/s relationship because we were happier in it then in our vanilla ones. It's really not fair to compare the two. I was unhappy in my vanilla relationships so of course I cared less about them in general. However, there was that four month relationship that I mourned an entire year for. It was an entirely vanilla relationship.

I'm not trying to devalue another's experiences. I'm trying to say that we shouldn't devalue the emotions of vanillas. They go through the same pain and suffering we do and they have the same chance at being emotionally devastated by their breakup. Why should we say otherwise?


very well said.



Vendaval -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 7:14:27 PM)

I think what can make the emotional distress so severe in D/s
break-ups is the level of dependency and loss of identity
for the slave/sub.  Now, I am not saying this does not happen
in vanilla relationships too.  Just that the focus in D/s relationships
can be different.



ImpGrrl -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 7:21:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I think what can make the emotional distress so severe in D/s
break-ups is the level of dependency and loss of identity
for the slave/sub.  Now, I am not saying this does not happen
in vanilla relationships too.  Just that the focus in D/s relationships
can be different.


I am a slave.  I've been in this relationship for 5 years.

I have not grown any more dependant on my owner than I might on any loving intimate partner.  And I certainly haven't lost any more identity than anyone in a long-term, intense relationship might.

Most of the s-types I know and respect would say the same thing.



KatyLied -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 7:25:41 PM)

quote:

I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.


Where does this come from.  And why do so many people believe it?



Wildfleurs -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 8:17:51 PM)

I'm using fast reply.  I don't think the emotional connection and heartache of a D/s or M/s relationship is any more deeper or more profound at the end of a relationship.

But....

I do think that if you live your life as someone elses property and it influences and effects everything and you live that way for several years or a couple of decades I do think it makes the adjustment more complex and I'll even go out on a limb and say it makes it harder because of the multiple issues (the layering of the re-adjustment of being your own owner, re-claiming of an independent identity and persona, and independent decision making).

C~



juliaoceania -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 8:23:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

My personal feeling is that if the person felt the breakup was worse for them when it was a BDSM one, that their experience is a valid one.  I've never seen the sense in denying someone else's feelings or experiences. We've had posts here from some who found it to be the same as vanilla and I accept that to them that is the truth.  HOWEVER, I also respect and believe those who were kind enough to share that when they experienced a BDSM break up it was more devastating than a vanilla one. Not everyone shares the same truth  or views on life. It saddened me to see  that some felt the need to devalue others as being disgusting if they felt that BDSM relationships were deeper for them than vanilla ones. I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.  Sharing views is great, but to tell someone like Devilslilsister that her view and experience is "degrading to the suffering of a lot of people" seems quite over the top to me! I am constantly astounded by those who feel their views are the only way things are in this world.


Here is my view on it, when we have a relationship that feels right to us then it feels deeper, more intense, more "spiritual", more everything than a relationship structure that did not work for us. I find D/s more fulfilling as I am living it at this point in my life. I find my present relationship more fulfilling than my vanilla ones. I do not think this equates to D/s being innately more fulfilling, more spiritual or any other descriptive word.

I do not think that D/s breakups are intrinsically more painful than vanilla ones. I do think that certain individuals will find that this is true for them, and I respect that they feel that way about the relationsips that they  have had, but it is only true for them. I can understand why they feel this way, but their feelings that D/s breakups are intrinsically more painful than vanilla ones only applies to them.

I believe that breakups involving children, marriage, family, and home are the most painful I have seen in an observational way. People that have kids and economics tied up in another person that they made vows with in front of friends and family and before their God usually have a lot more baggage when this ends than someone who did not have these ties with another person. There seems to be added pain when dealing with "how the kids are going to take it, who gets the dog, are we going to sell the house" issues going on. It is the loss of a life, like a death that is not a death.

I have went through a degree of this as a very young woman, and I have to say, my marriage breaking up still causes me pain in a way no other relationship ever did because of those issues. It is 16 years later and I still have the scars. I am not saying that other people do not experience the world the same way I do, or have the same responses to their marriage ending, or dividing up their kids, pets and property when compared with losing a dom or sub... but somehow saying that D/s relationships are somehow more painful than lets say a divorce is a little dismissive of how vanillas feel when their marriages and love affairs end.

Just my thoughts.



RPutnamJr -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 9:14:08 PM)

I think it has mostly to do with the level of attachment that you have with the other person. It has nothing to do with they type of relationship that you have vanilla or otherwise.

The more attached you are then the harder the break up is on you. After all if you feel no attachment then you can walk away from something easier than if you have a vested interest in that attachment.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 10:04:56 PM)

Long time ago my X dominant kept contact with me to see us through the break up and everyday it hurt so much I wished he'd just sever the tie and hang up.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/20/2007 10:51:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
Where does this come from.  And why do so many people believe it?

Rose colored illusions- along with all the other ones that come along for the ride when someone "finds the lifestyle" and somehow equates it with utopia.



mons -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 1:30:09 AM)

greetings

yes it is so different the submissve and master or dom/dommes have had hold on these people we have we have a hold on their minds more the a vanilla realiotnship and what we have is so strong we have a bond with them more stronger then any vanilla thing . yes it is hard to break up with them and they are more deeply hurt the in the vanilla world. this is why when i go for a slave i make sure he is the one i wish to have i pick carefully and know who i want and when and why. i am now going to meet the man i have been talking to for at least a year i gotten to know him well and we have a special bond and he know what i expect of him. he had gotten nerouvs and ask me if i stil  wanted him he is scare this is why i take my time and know him from speaking and care for him he is funny knowledgeable about the same things i am we know what we want and how i want.

i am so sorry that you have bad times with  doms who lie they are not men a true man is the measure of his honor and that is not honor to lie to you and not give you the truth. i know you will find someone who is worth your worth good luck

warm wishes and good luck
mons



AquaticSub -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 5:57:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.


Where does this come from.  And why do so many people believe it?



It confuses me as well. This is a lifestyle and a community of people. Just like any other lifestyle and any other community of people.



jauntyone -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 6:11:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I think what can make the emotional distress so severe in D/s
break-ups is the level of dependency and loss of identity
for the slave/sub.  Now, I am not saying this does not happen
in vanilla relationships too.  Just that the focus in D/s relationships
can be different.

greetings
 
I don't see how the level of dependency is any more in a M/s relationship than it would be in a vanilla relationship. I am having a hard time understanding where this kind of thinking comes from. I have been only been with Master for 4 years; and while the thought of losing him fills me with dread; I also know that my sister, who has been married to her husband for 9 years would be much more devastated at the loss than I would. The fact that I am in M/s and she is not has nothing to do with it at all.
 
Everyone reacts to loss in different ways, the kind of relationship one has does not determine how strong that feeling will be.
 
As to the loss of identity. This really confuses me. In a healthy relationship of ANY kind, all parties retain their own identity. The trick is just finding how they compliment each other.
 
Now, I will agree that all relationships have a different degree of focus; but that in no way makes one harder to endure than another.
 
I wish you well
 
melissa



littlesarbonn -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 8:06:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

I thought this was a lifestyle of tolerance.


Where does this come from.  And why do so many people believe it?



It comes from a somewhat correct perception that as a community we're under attack by outsiders who generally do not understand us and rhetorically create what it is we do in their own images. Therefore, when a lot of us became a community online, we established unwritten agreements amongst ourselves as a support mechanism. But that was a decade or so ago, and all that has twisted apart with so many new people to the scene who weren't there for the original struggles or were hanger-ons, remaining silent while the rest of us adapted to this new technology while outing ourselves because the technology was too new to keep us from doing just that.

A lot of people see bdsm lifestyles as the next step beyond the acceptability that comes with gay/lesbian lifestyles. An example, when I first outed myself as a bdsm lifestyler, I was told by someone close to me (who disapproved) that she could have handled "gay" but not "this". The first generation online of the bdsm lifestyle community was a much more tolerant entity with people banding together to stand against a lot of non-tolerant people who were coming onto the boards and newsgroups, condemning us all as psychologically tainted misfits that only needed to see a shrink and a priest and then we'd all be okay.

Unfortunately, the current generation of people (and I don't mean age of people, but the current crop of people who are now in the scene that either never went through the original process or did go through it and maintained intolerant views regardless of what was happening in the rest of the community around them).

That's why someone can easily come onto the boards and state, as a regular, "where does this come from?" as if it's really a facade of reality when it's been anything but. It's also why other critics will take up the same bandwagon, claim to have been around all along, never having seen this "community of tolerance" because they, in reality, sat out the fight or were part of the problem to begin with.



mixielicous -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 8:17:10 AM)

fast reply,

the question is, does being in this type of relationship create different chemicals in the brain than those of a vanilla one [or simply more] from the activities we engage in and resulting in yes, harder breakups?

just a theory

and to comment on the support system, yes generally when outsiders form a group it is generally one of support although it is an unwritten commonality.



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