RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship?

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (Full Version)

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MsKatHouston -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 1:35:41 PM)
Now that put that thread into an entirely new light. RED.

curiousPAsub -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 1:58:23 PM)
I am very surprised to see so many saying there isn't a difference between a vanilla relationship ending and a D/s relationship ending. Perhaps some didnt notice the title of the thread which is "Dumped by your Dominant". Mutually ending a relationship does feel much different than being suddenly released by your Master, as I found out a few months ago. While I felt hurt and sad when my marriage broke up many years ago, or when other relationships ended, the pain and emotional devastation I felt when I was released was more than all of those other breakups put together. I am first assuming you are all talking about real time relationships, not "just" an online interaction. I believe online relationships are real too, and are valid, but I think they are different from face to face real time. In other relationships, I was equally in control of things, as they were before I discovered I had a submissive nature. Being at least partially in control, and having an interdependent marriage, when it ended I felt bad. But in my D/s relationship, I was controlled, I was totally devoted and in love with him, I was obedient to his wishes, no matter what they were, and my mind was constantly on how to please him more. Just by the very nature of a D/s relationship, it creates a different kind of bond, at least for the submissive. (I use "she" cause its easier for me). In a D/s relationship, she gives herself to him, she devotes herself to him, she does everything for him and to please him. An emotional bond is created that is different in MY opinion. He woke up one day and released me, without any apearant reason. We were together almost 4 years, and he said he was tired of dominating me. In all that time, he didnt have to punish me, so it wasnt cause I was a "bad" or disobedient submissive. Two weeks earlier, he had told me I had grown into the most perfect submissive for him. We were planning two upcoming vacations. Then POOF - he released me. I was stunned - totally stunned! By him releasing me like that, I lost all his emotional support, all the direction he was giving me, the sense of belonging, the identity I had created as I became his most perfect submissive. He was my first Master, and he had found me and chose me. When we met, I was not a very trusting person and he worked with me so that I could trust him, so that I could give him everything that a woman can give a man, everything that a submissive can give her Master. He made me promises, like he would never let me fail and that he would never release me. In one day, he broke all his promises to me, he broke and violated all the trust I had placed in him and he broke my heart. I couldnt stop sobbing for days, I physically ached and was sick to my stomach for days. I felt like I was dying emotionally and physically. THAT is much different than breaking up a vanilla relationship. I gave myself to him, like submissives are trained to do. When you give of yourself to that degree, when you give someone everything you have to give, and he releases you overnight, I cant think of anything that compares to THAT. I am still grieving and I can;t imagine ever trusting to that degree or giving myself to a man like that again. I think its different when the sub is dumped by the Dom. I am sure he woke up the next day and went on with his life. I would like to think at times he thought of me at least, but he wasnt curled up in bed sobbing and wailing so hard he had to cover his own ears like I had to for the first week. I sounded like an animal caught in a trap. He didnt have learn how to restructure his entire day again or learn how to reclaim his body again by saying MY body instead of HIS body. The shock eventually wore off and the deep grieving subsided but it took almost 3 months. I still feel like I am staring into a deep black abyss, not knowing what to do now. When he released me, I still loved him, so my feelings didnt just disappear when his presence in my life did. I now wonder if I ever want to do that again. I am here on CM now, trying to figure things out. I think the very nature and dynamics of D/s will always make me unbearably vulnerable to that happening again. So yes I think it different when a sub is dumped by her Dom/Master, and I think its harder on the submisisves because they have devoted their lives to their dominants.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 2:00:40 PM)
There's quite a large difference between: "It hurt me a lot more to end my Ms relationship that I did my unfulfilling vanilla relationships" and "Everyone who ends a Ms relationships experience different/worse pain than everyone who ends a vanilla relationship"

darkinshadows -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 2:10:15 PM)
quote: I am very surprised to see so many saying there isn't a difference between a vanilla relationship ending and a D/s relationship ending. Perhaps some didnt notice the title of the thread which is "Dumped by your Dominant". Mutually ending a relationship does feel much different than being suddenly released by your Master, as I found out a few months ago. Theres a difference to being dumped by anyone - dominant or partner... to mutual seperation - yes. But being dumped full stop sucks. Just because its a BDSM relationship - doesnt have to mean there it's deeper or more emotion.

KatyLied -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 2:10:26 PM)
quote: He made me promises, like he would never let me fail and that he would never release me. Do you realize that those are impossible promises to keep? Don't you want to succeed/fail on your own merit? Don't you want to have a life that is worth something regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship?

MsKatHouston -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 2:17:13 PM)
quote: THAT is much different than breaking up a vanilla relationship. I gave myself to him, like submissives are trained to do. When you give of yourself to that degree, when you give someone everything you have to give, and he releases you overnight, I cant think of anything that compares to THAT. Many people in vanilla relationships give of themselves in much the same manner. If you are highly invested in a relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, if someone dumps you, it hurts.

kyraofMists -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 2:19:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists In terms of this specific relationship that I am in now, if it ended, it would be more devastating than any other relationship I have had. Not because it is m/s but because I am more committed and devoted to him than any other person in my life. This is a really interesting concept. I can not even think about the termination of my relationship without feeling upset. This is by far the most committed and devoted to someone I've ever been in my life, but I believe in large part it's because of it's M/s foundation. Obviously it has everything to do with the person in that foundation, but I would not be so reliant/dependent on him were I not his slave. It's been argued of me before (remembering one of my first threads on CM, lol), but for me, being his slave makes all the difference and the ending of this relationship would be more devastating than one of a vanilla. I have only my 20 year marriage to compare it to, and while understanding how unhealthy the marriage was, I still have to say the dynamic of my dependency on my Master would make things too hard to bear. I do seem to remember a similar conversation many months ago. Thank goodness that we have moved past that miscommunication. For me, removing the label of M/s from our relationship would not really change who has the authority in the relationship. Without the label of M/s we might not include some of the protocols, but the bottom line would be that he would still be in charge and I would still do what he wants. We could have met in a completely mainstream way with no knowledge of D/s or BDSM and I would still be this devoted and committed to him. M/s is just a useful descriptor of our relationship. This is why I do not think that I would be more devastated because it is a M/s relationship. Knight's kyra

AquaticSub -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 2:49:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: curiousPAsub I am very surprised to see so many saying there isn't a difference between a vanilla relationship ending and a D/s relationship ending. Perhaps some didnt notice the title of the thread which is "Dumped by your Dominant". Mutually ending a relationship does feel much different than being suddenly released by your Master, as I found out a few months ago. While I felt hurt and sad when my marriage broke up many years ago, or when other relationships ended, the pain and emotional devastation I felt when I was released was more than all of those other breakups put together. Most of my vanilla break-ups weren't mutual. I was dumped on my ass. It hurt. A lot. quote: I am first assuming you are all talking about real time relationships, not "just" an online interaction. I believe online relationships are real too, and are valid, but I think they are different from face to face real time. In other relationships, I was equally in control of things, as they were before I discovered I had a submissive nature. Being at least partially in control, and having an interdependent marriage, when it ended I felt bad. But in my D/s relationship, I was controlled, I was totally devoted and in love with him, I was obedient to his wishes, no matter what they were, and my mind was constantly on how to please him more. Just by the very nature of a D/s relationship, it creates a different kind of bond, at least for the submissive. (I use "she" cause its easier for me). In a D/s relationship, she gives herself to him, she devotes herself to him, she does everything for him and to please him. An emotional bond is created that is different in MY opinion. He woke up one day and released me, without any apearant reason. We were together almost 4 years, and he said he was tired of dominating me. In all that time, he didnt have to punish me, so it wasnt cause I was a "bad" or disobedient submissive. Two weeks earlier, he had told me I had grown into the most perfect submissive for him. We were planning two upcoming vacations. Then POOF - he released me. People in the vanilla world get dumped for no appearant reason. I refuse to diminish their emotions by saying ours are "deeper". quote: I was stunned - totally stunned! By him releasing me like that, I lost all his emotional support, all the direction he was giving me, the sense of belonging, the identity I had created as I became his most perfect submissive. He was my first Master, and he had found me and chose me. When we met, I was not a very trusting person and he worked with me so that I could trust him, so that I could give him everything that a woman can give a man, everything that a submissive can give her Master. He made me promises, like he would never let me fail and that he would never release me. In one day, he broke all his promises to me, he broke and violated all the trust I had placed in him and he broke my heart. I couldnt stop sobbing for days, I physically ached and was sick to my stomach for days. I felt like I was dying emotionally and physically. Amazingly, that's how felt when a particular vanilla boyfriend dumped me in high school. Were my emotions somehow less then yours because it was over a vanilla relationship. I know a girl who stopped eating because her vanilla boyfriend left her. She ate enough to live but that was it. She even stopped having her period. Are her emotions somehow less "deep", her experiences less tramatic then yours? quote: THAT is much different than breaking up a vanilla relationship. I gave myself to him, like submissives are trained to do. When you give of yourself to that degree, when you give someone everything you have to give, and he releases you overnight, I cant think of anything that compares to THAT. Then you are closed minded. Many old fashioned relationships have exactly the same dynamics, they just aren't kinky and don't call it d/s. quote: I am still grieving and I can;t imagine ever trusting to that degree or giving myself to a man like that again. I think its different when the sub is dumped by the Dom. I am sure he woke up the next day and went on with his life. I would like to think at times he thought of me at least, but he wasnt curled up in bed sobbing and wailing so hard he had to cover his own ears like I had to for the first week. I sounded like an animal caught in a trap. He didnt have learn how to restructure his entire day again or learn how to reclaim his body again by saying MY body instead of HIS body. The shock eventually wore off and the deep grieving subsided but it took almost 3 months. I still feel like I am staring into a deep black abyss, not knowing what to do now. When he released me, I still loved him, so my feelings didnt just disappear when his presence in my life did. I now wonder if I ever want to do that again. I am here on CM now, trying to figure things out. I think the very nature and dynamics of D/s will always make me unbearably vulnerable to that happening again. So yes I think it different when a sub is dumped by her Dom/Master, and I think its harder on the submisisves because they have devoted their lives to their dominants. I think that's foolish. I've heard of dominants who woke up after losing their submissive for whatever reason (death or break-up) and no longer knew how to live their lives. Their submissive had done everything for them. We are all equal but different and giving ourselves airs and calling our pain worse then the pain of others just because they aren't BDSM.... It's arrogant. And I really can't think of a nicer word of then that.

KnightofMists -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 5:18:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone35 Well i think it is it hurts either way but in different ways. In bdsm i think a person is more likely to have a deeper level of trust. You belong to them, from what i have seen many marriges (not all) are a equal partnship. ssssoooooo... are you saying that marriages with equal partnerships have less trust between them.... that is such BS. Devotion comes in many forms... But Devotion doesn't equate to Dependency on another. Many who are Co-Dependent and completed Devoted to such a person will be completely devasted if they are put to the curb. This has nothing to do with the Power Structure Many who are Inter-Dependent and completely Devoted to a person will be completely devasted if they are put to the curb. This has nothing to do with the Power Structure. Many who are Independent and completely Devoted to a person will be completely devasted if they are put to the curb. This has nothing to do with the Power Structure. Notice a pattern. Devotion is the key... why a person is devoted to another is for alot of different reasons. Yes, there are those that love to inflate their EGO in stating silly things that this style trust more or that type of relationship is more devoted. Bottom line... it's subjective to the individuals in the relationship. I have watched those in Mainstream relationships that breakup and it's no big deal... and you know what... I have seen the same thing in the Lifestyle. I have watched those in Mainstream relationships that breakup and it' devasted to one or both of the those in the relationship.. and you guess it... it can happen the same way in lifestyle relationships. Now.. this doesn't even begin to consider that some individuals have much more effective control and management of their emotions or that even the same person can be impacted differently with different relationships. I am amused at individuals insecurities that they have to try and label a particular relationship structure as better, harder, etc in some sort of veiled effort to elevate their specific relationship compared to a specific group. When a person is devoted.. they are devoted! and the reasons will be varied... be those reason healthy to one's well-being or not. Regardless... these individuals will have a difficult time when a relationship goes south on them. Their ability to manage this will also be dependent on many other characteristics of the person.

unsung -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 5:50:25 PM)
Only going to add one notion to this thread, what I have witnessed many many times, and have experienced at one time. Dependancy can infact exaggerate a separation of people. There is a hard reality having to cope by oneself again after being dependant on another for whatever purpose they served, support mentally financially or what not. Having to face things on your own again will and has the power to be overwhelming for those and those whom especially gave up a significant amount of their independance. In the social working field I believe they are calling this 'co-dependancy', similiar to alcohol and drug addiction. And further more this is where we see many people jump from the fire into the frying pan over and over again. end musing

KnightofMists -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 6:00:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: unsung Only going to add one notion to this thread, what I have witnessed many many times, and have experienced at one time. Dependancy can infact exaggerate a separation of people. There is a hard reality having to cope by oneself again after being dependant on another for whatever purpose they served, support mentally financially or what not. Having to face things on your own again will and has the power to be overwhelming for those and those whom especially gave up a significant amount of their independance. In the social working field I believe they are calling this 'co-dependancy', similiar to alcohol and drug addiction. And further more this is where we see many people jump from the fire into the frying pan over and over again. Interestingly... for many of these individuals... when they are able to fulfill their dependency in another way.. they suddenly not so devasted by the previous loss. It's is not uncommon for addicts to replace their addiction with another type of addiction. So.. is it really loss of the relationship and the person..... or it a lost to the dependency that they want filled.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:09:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists When a person is devoted.. they are devoted! and the reasons will be varied... be those reason healthy to one's well-being or not. Regardless... these individuals will have a difficult time when a relationship goes south on them. Their ability to manage this will also be dependent on many other characteristics of the person. Because of my Master's age and health, he has been spending a lot of effort preparing and training me for the day when he is no longer of this earth. The mere idea of his absence stresses me greatly. He had me write about this recently - about serving him for the rest of his life, and what that means to me. It was a most difficult task for me. The interesting thing is that I am completely dependent on him, but he is teaching me the way he thinks so that I can tap into that any time he is unavailable to me, and he has forced me to practice that, so that I can channel him and feel secure in the decision I receive as a result. I highly suspect I will do this after he passes. A year or so ago I could not even fathom doing that. Because of the state I was in when he found me, he had a lot of work to do on me to build me back up. When this subject came up some time ago, I was not yet able to channel him or feel comfortable in predicting his directives. I was also too freshly removed from a very bad "vanilla" situation. I could not see how it would be possible for the two different scenarios to suffer loss equally. I can see now that devotion is a commond denominator as you have pointed out. It's an interesting concept to consider. Although I was married 20 years, I was not devoted to him. It was a matter of survival in that case. This is why I posted what I did to kyra's post - that I only have that to compare to. Kyra said remove the label and you still have authority. I can certainly agree to that, even in my case with my Master. But our relationship is founded on his authority. Remove HIM and what have I got? I am not yet at a place where I can comfortably say I will be fine when he goes. I am getting to that point, because he wants me at that point. Without that desire of his, I would likely drink my poison and follow him into the grave. But he doesn't want that of me so I can't do that. I will, however, submit to him even after he is gone. I can understand what you have said about some "vanilla" relationships experiencing more devotion than some M/s relationships. A year ago I could not fathom that. But as I write, I understand it is not just my Master's authority/power/control that I am so dependent on. If that were the case, anyone could step in as his replacement. But it is him - the man himself - that I am so wholly devoted to. Interesting things to think about...

KnightofMists -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:20:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie The interesting thing is that I am completely dependent on him, but he is teaching me the way he thinks so that I can tap into that any time he is unavailable to me, and he has forced me to practice that, so that I can channel him and feel secure in the decision I receive as a result. I highly suspect I will do this after he passes. He is teaching you so you are not dependent on him. Instead of giving you fish.. he is teaching you how to fish like he does. He wants your devotion.. not your dependency

juliaoceania -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:24:27 PM)
Perhaps seeing your father pass and seeing your mother go through that has opened your eyes a little? My own mother lost my father when she was 40 years old. They were married for 23 years and had 4 children. I do not think she ever got over it even though she went on. She still has dreams about him. He was the love of her youth, the father of all her children, and the man she would have happily spent the rest of her life. I understand people feel passionately about their own situations and relationships... what I cannot fathom is someone saying that D/s makes a person more devoted than someone like my mom. I have also known a couple of people that were married 50 plus years and when one dies the other follows shortly after. There is no poison needed, just the will to live kinda leaves them.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:29:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie The interesting thing is that I am completely dependent on him, but he is teaching me the way he thinks so that I can tap into that any time he is unavailable to me, and he has forced me to practice that, so that I can channel him and feel secure in the decision I receive as a result. I highly suspect I will do this after he passes. He is teaching you so you are not dependent on him. Instead of giving you fish.. he is teaching you how to fish like he does. He wants your devotion.. not your dependency He actually wants both. But it's something I want to bring up to him for discussion. I'll get back to ya...[;)]

ownedgirlie -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:35:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania Perhaps seeing your father pass and seeing your mother go through that has opened your eyes a little? It's an interesting concept but my mother was not devoted to my father, just dependent on him. She would have left him a long time ago had she been independent enough to do so. When I left my husband, she said "You have the guts I never had." I think that's what I've been most exposed to in fact - husbands die and the wives start to flourish. It happened with my grandparents (both sets) and with most of my parents' friends. It's likely that witnessing so much of that helped to form my opinion as well. But I know enough to say now that my experiences are not everyone's experiences. I can only say that the cessation of my M/s relationship would be far more devastating to me than the cessation of a vanilla one. But I will speak for myself here, and not anyone else.

KnightofMists -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:36:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania My own mother lost my father when she was 40 years old. They were married for 23 years and had 4 children. I do not think she ever got over it even though she went on. She still has dreams about him. He was the love of her youth, the father of all her children, and the man she would have happily spent the rest of her life. Several years ago, Alandra and I had the privilege to be with a dear friend when his wife suddenly collasped and passed away a couple days later. We have watched him struggle with the lost of a woman that he was completely devoted to. Even now, he can't speak about her without little lost in his voice. I find this inflating BS of D/s more devoted crap to be an insult to individuals like our friends. The two were a pleasure to be near.. their love and devotion was obvious to anyone that knew them.

SirKinkster -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:41:18 PM)
well put

juliaoceania -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:43:43 PM)
I read your post, and while I do not agree that your feelings are universal, or that vanillas do not suffer the same pain, I still can read a lot of hurt in your post. I just wanted to say grieving the loss of any relationship is very hard, but the growth that can come from it is worthwhile. I wish you well.

juliaoceania -> RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanilla relationship? (3/21/2007 7:53:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania My own mother lost my father when she was 40 years old. They were married for 23 years and had 4 children. I do not think she ever got over it even though she went on. She still has dreams about him. He was the love of her youth, the father of all her children, and the man she would have happily spent the rest of her life. Several years ago, Alandra and I had the privilege to be with a dear friend when his wife suddenly collasped and passed away a couple days later. We have watched him struggle with the lost of a woman that he was completely devoted to. Even now, he can't speak about her without little lost in his voice. I find this inflating BS of D/s more devoted crap to be an insult to individuals like our friends. The two were a pleasure to be near.. their love and devotion was obvious to anyone that knew them. My former dom's best friend lost his fiance, he called her his wife, and they even had a mock wedding ceremony. If he married her she would have lost her state medical insurance and right before they got married she had cancer come back. She was beautiful inside and out, 26 years old when she died. A year later he still had the house they shared decorated with pictures and momentos of their life together like a shrine to her. One picture in particular made me cry even though I never knew her and only him, a photo of the two of them with bald heads together. He shaved his head when she lost her hair. He held her when she died. Last I heard he still cried when he spoke of her.

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