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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:42:05 PM

darkinshadows

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You made an error and you are willing to communicate and be open to it.

You've taken the steps - and time is a great teacher.

Peace and Rapture

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:49:07 PM

MrDiscipline44

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Cut your losses and learn from your mistake.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:53:44 PM

darkinshadows

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In the past, I had huge trust issues. Whilst I cannot say I feel that holding back information is good - its also positive to look at the why. Swingers have a really hard time - they are according to society and that includes BDSM as a sub culture - almost the dregs of society. People makes judgements on swingers and they get a bad wrap. Its similar to porn in a sense. Admit you enjoy watching it and you get looks of distain. So you can understand he was hesitant to be open about being on such a site. Doesn't mean he still goes there. Try sitting down and discussing what He can do for you to free you from not trusting him. Do not feel that you can't make a request just because you are the submissive.

Four months is a short time to trust someone, so do not feel that it's just because you have 'issues'. Your relationship is still young in reality and you have alot to learn about each other. Just ask yourself if you are ready to learn the bad as well as the good - and then trust will develop as your relationship grows. He is still learning to trust you - and maybe thats why he couldnt admit to the other site.

If its just a mistake and first time thing - I would say that your doing well for being 4 months in.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 12:57:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Personally, I think four months of being committed in a relationship is more than long enough to have discussed being an active swinger in the past.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 1:03:11 PM

darkinshadows

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Yes, I agree - but if thats the only thing thats come up in the 4 months I would say they were fortunate from what you tend to see.

My thought is the s-type cannot make an informed consensual decision based on not knowing all the facts. But we are all human and fuck up. And even dominants get embarressed by their past... especially if they have been ridiculed about it or hear others distain - in the end, it all comes down to trusting the new partner - for her that he still doesnt attend there and for him, trusting she won't judge him negatively on his past.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 1:19:42 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

In the past, I had huge trust issues. Whilst I cannot say I feel that holding back information is good - its also positive to look at the why. Swingers have a really hard time - they are according to society and that includes BDSM as a sub culture - almost the dregs of society. People makes judgements on swingers and they get a bad wrap. Its similar to porn in a sense. Admit you enjoy watching it and you get looks of distain. So you can understand he was hesitant to be open about being on such a site. Doesn't mean he still goes there. Try sitting down and discussing what He can do for you to free you from not trusting him. Do not feel that you can't make a request just because you are the submissive.

Four months is a short time to trust someone, so do not feel that it's just because you have 'issues'. Your relationship is still young in reality and you have alot to learn about each other. Just ask yourself if you are ready to learn the bad as well as the good - and then trust will develop as your relationship grows. He is still learning to trust you - and maybe thats why he couldnt admit to the other site.

If its just a mistake and first time thing - I would say that your doing well for being 4 months in.

I agree that this sounds like an excellent starting point. I assure you that you can always rely on darkinshadows to be a calm voice of reason. *Smile*
Only you can decide, tooshy, if you can get past this. What I feel is not a big deal, may be a very big deal to others, and I must respect that.
I am always more concerned with why something is witheld rather than what is witheld. Sometimes the "why" is obvious when you the learn the "what". And sometimes neither "why" nor "what" matter very much. it is simply a matter of one partner not placing as much of a priority on it. Comunication, even after the fact, is always important. You are both still learning about each other.
I wish you both much good fortune, and I do hope things work out for the best. Whatever that may be.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 1:21:43 PM

springman30

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Darkinshadows, bless you, you said exactly what Ive been unable to articulate on paper so to speak. You hit the nail on the head. Four months is still fairly new for a relationship, but as LA said, not too new to disscuss that. I admit I was scared to do so. I put it off. I now understand not to omit things, and im going to do my best not to from now on. I own that mistake, I screwed up. I do want to make every effort to correct that and move forward. And I want to move forward with her at my side.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 1:43:43 PM

WhiplashSmile

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Well if the profile was active and had your face on it, and did not read NO LONGER a couple. Would your blame her? What would you think and feel if you were in her shoes?

It was a mistake for letting the profile slide by for so long without it being modified to reflect the truth or telling the sub about it.

If the profile had become inactive and was closed, not a big deal. The profile was not, so she's going by that as the Evidence... Evidence speaks louder then words. You should have canned that profile or told her about it awhile ago... You took a risk and it bit you in the ass.

Now, all she has is your word against the evidence of an active profile. I've had something similar to this happen to me before. We I had an old profile up on a site and had not updated or removed it. I got the third degree about it. I had totally forgot all about it, to tell you the truth.

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RE: I have a question - 3/23/2007 1:57:03 PM

ArgoGeorgia

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I don't know, to me it seems like a bit more than a simply a 'lie of ommission' or procrastination in coming clean.

"The only thing he had told me about the friend is that he knew someone who was looking at getting involved in BDSM. I didn’t know that there was anything else going on though. There was no mention of swinging with her or even being interested in it himself, just that he was helping with questions she might have."

Seems like more of an active attempt at hiding what was really going on. Granted, I'm a skeptical asshole, and thus I'm raising this point. I just think that springman has a pretty tough road ahead if tooshy is as skeptical as me.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 5:00:55 AM

Focus50

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quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?

Yes, it is unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption. In fact, it's a lame excuse! However, I can't help wondering if her view of your D/s relationship was as "perfect" from her prespective.... Maybe she's just "seized the moment" and used this as an excuse to end a relationship that wasn't working so well for her and now she gets a clear conscience by blaming you for it.

quote:

Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?

If it's before you met, AND ENTRIELY IN THE PAST SINCE YOU'VE MET, it's not her business! However, if it was "recent past", I think a wise and discerning person would've cleared the air, thus defusing any possible contoversies. You made it relevant through your own inaction.

quote:

I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.

Advice? Are you really sure this almost ideal D/s relationship wasn't just you wearing "rose coloured glasses"?

Still, maybe I'm not the only one who ranks swinging as being high on the "Ick Meter" even before potential diseases are factored in....

Focus.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 5:28:49 AM

ExSteelAgain

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I think she should have tested you. She should have emailed you on that site under another name to see if you would pursue things. If you had encouraged her, then she could be pissed and end things. Simple enough way that she would have known of your intent.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 5:53:18 AM

velvetears

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That's what i would have done ExSteel - and if he replied i would have handed him the email and walked.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 6:12:44 AM

Bearlee

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Dang! Tested him? Would you really wanna do that? What kind of relationship is based on that sort of behavior? Suppose she did ‘test’ him…would she keep that fact secret (assuming he passed the test)?

Steel, how would you handle being tested; even if you did pass the test? What would you think of a submissive creating a profile for the purpose of entrapment?

The girl in question has posted here…I rather like her straightforward attempt at sorting this out. I don’t think I could handle either side of ‘testing’.

b

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 6:15:57 AM

velvetears

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i wouldn't just randomly test - nor would i create a profile to test someone - BUT - if i thought they were being honest with me and then found a profile they "forgot" to tell me about - You bet i would test it.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 6:30:31 AM

MstrssPassion

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quote:

tooshysub wrote: I was directed there by him in a way, he left a comment on a friend’s blog about having a profile up on this site.

Here is something very key... when was the comment posted on the blog? Was it a comment made during the 4 months of the relationship?

Question: What brought you to the friend's blog?

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 6:30:56 AM

Bearlee

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I dunno velvet, somehow it seems that if one were to ‘that’ stage, perhaps the relationship isn’t worth it, anyway. I just don’t think I could do it. Still, I have asked questions about stuff I didn’t understand or that didn’t seem to make sense to me. I suppose we all worry about being lied to, especially if we carry old baggage; but I’d rather ask straight-up and not resort to yet more lies. And that’s what such testing would have to be, no?

b

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 6:37:17 AM

darkinshadows

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I am with b on this - test? If someone 'tested' me instead of asking, I would find that not only immature behaviour but deceit - you can't heal the scars of a lie - or a miscommunication - with a blatant lie.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 6:51:20 AM

DiurnalVampire

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After reading all the way through the thread, something I rarely do, I am going to toss in my opinion.
The fact that you allowed your friend to keep the joint account open is the major problem. It is a profile that is active, and you cant really prive one way or another that you were not the one using it. Your friend could easily have mailed everyone she is in contact with and directed them to a new profile, then closed the one you shared. So, this lack of foresight is the sticker.
There is no reason to have been embarassed or not proud of this site. Thre is nothing wrong with being a swinger, especially since you had mentioned in your OP tat it was a lifestyle you were returning to. I fail to see why you would hide your involvement becasue of embarassment. Its like any other part of your past, it existed before her and you arent interested in in any longer. So, you divulge that it was there but it is in fact the past.

Is it unreasonable to end a relationship over an assumption, yes. I dont see an assumption here, though. You did hide something, you hid something that is going to be impossible to prove you werent actively involved in, and you did so out of embarrasent knowing it was going to cause a problem if ever found. You inadvertantly set yourself up for the fall. And posting on a friends blog about the site make sit look like perhaps you werent quite so embarassed about its existance. If you were, why is it ok to tell a friend, in an obviously public blog about it, but not your partner?

In 4 months, yes, it is a fixable issue, but it is not going to go away easily. You are going to need distance and time to fix the trust. And full disclosure. Anotehr skeleton in the closet and the whole relaitonship could self destruct.

DV

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 8:31:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
If it's before you met, AND ENTRIELY IN THE PAST SINCE YOU'VE MET, it's not her business! However, if it was "recent past", I think a wise and discerning person would've cleared the air, thus defusing any possible contoversies. You made it relevant through your own inaction.

When it comes to making someone a serious long term committed partner, I completely disagree. Their sexual past, and lifestyle preference is very much my business and it very much affects a persons present and future life.

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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 8:32:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I agree on the "testing is immature junior high crap method of dealing with relationship issues" perspective.

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