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RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 9:01:28 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30
Is it unreasonable to end a relationship on assumption?


It might be unreasonable... but if one believes in the assumption... then it really isn't that unreasonable is it.  of course.. if the assumption is wrong...well then.. it's not only unreasonable... but stupid.

quote:


Is it so wrong that I did not tell her of that site, even if it was before we met?


No it wasn't wrong to not tell her about the site.. but it was wrong to not tell her and keep the site at the same time.  It was also stupid.

quote:


I’m at whit’s end and confused, any reasonable comments and advice will be welcomed.
Thank you guys for your time.


fall on your sword and hope for mercy 

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 11:27:45 AM   
springman30


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline 		MstrssPassion,  The post was made on one of my DS lifestyle friends site, LONG before Me and my Submissive met. Since me and my submissive know them she was looking at their blog, and read back to that particular post. I agree I should have told her about that site, a lot sooner. And in all fairness I planned to, but procrastination bit me in my buttocks. As far as leaving the site up for my friend to use, she was supposed to have made the changes to reflect her current situation. Was I not very smart to make her get her own profile, most likely.

I will update you guys on our current situation. We spoke at length last night. I got my chance to explain my very stupid mistake from my point of view. Being the caring and thoughtful person she is, she understood my ignorant behavior. Although she understod,  She DOES NOT agree it was the right thing to do. She does agree that even though it was a bad judgement call, it wasnt enough to end our relationship. Yes Im on notice, yes I have a long road ahead, yes I have learned a lesson. She is a wonderful person, and this shows her compassionate and caring nature. I can only hope to make her as proud to be my Submissive as I am to be her Dom.

I want to thank you all for some wonderful advise. I didnt expect as much of a beating I got, but it did put things in prospective, which is what I needed. I own the beatings and proudly diplay the bruises.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 11:35:44 AM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		While I am glad that you two are working on resolving your issues, I do wish to say one thing..When such a problem rears its rather ugly head..I always attempt to put myself in the "others" place..So think, what would you of felt if it was her active profile up on this site?that she had not divulged this, even if it was before you two had connected?How would you feel?How would you of reacted?Would you be as generous as she seems to of been thus far?..Reflect on that, and you may find a path and way out of the morass that you have created...If you two find a way out of this trial by fire,it may of helped to form an even stronger bond,and better communication skills...I wish you both well....Tempting

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 12:47:43 PM   
knotz2u


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		As much as everyone would like to live in the fantasy that the lifestyle is whole life, it isn't. It is part of a relationship. For a relationship to work, everything must be out front. You claim you were not proud of the site, and then what the hell were you thinking. You should be proud of everything that you are. If you're not proud of, get rid of it. Whether you want to admit it or not, you CHOSE to HIDE it from her. Could it be yhat you anticipated her response to it? If the two of you agreed that whatever existed before was just that, the past; then this should have become part of the past or you should have shared it with her. Well that’s my two cents, but remember - opinions are like bellybuttons, everyone has one and they are usually full of lint.

(in reply to tooshysub)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 12:49:39 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I had a good idea my testing idea would create some controversy. I do think, in this case, it would have been a very practical one time assessment to see if it was only an old profile he had forgotten about. I tend to agree if the trust is not there, it is useless (and sneaky) to create situations that only prove it. There is an underlying problem when trust is lacking. Some things are not meant to be.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 3:59:37 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
If it's before you met, AND ENTRIELY IN THE PAST SINCE YOU'VE MET, it's not her business!  However, if it was "recent past", I think a wise and discerning person would've cleared the air, thus defusing any possible contoversies.  You made it relevant through your own inaction.

When it comes to making someone a serious long term committed partner, I completely disagree.  Their sexual past, and lifestyle preference is very much my business and it very much affects a persons present and future life.

Obviously I disagree with you but it is relevant where one draws the line.
 
To me, there are some things a new partner needs to know about the other's past - even if it's decades past.  It'd be nice to know if the jealous axe murdering ex was coming up for parole, for eg....
 
But my past relationships are just that - PAST!  I don't share intimate details beyond generalisations, nor do I ask them of a partner beyond "Is there anything I *need* to know?"  Naturally health issues are relevant and if we're likely to be socialising with an ex, I'd wanna know that, too! 
 
Referring to my opening post here, I'm willing to provide a little more detail on "recent past" but as one of those boring types who was never into casual sex etc, esp with nameless strangers (MAJOR ick factor), there won't be any swinging tales to regale....
 
My line is obviously not yours - I'm cool with that.
 
Focus.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 7:04:51 PM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I think she should have tested you. She should have emailed you on that site under another name to see if you would pursue things. If you had encouraged her, then she could be pissed and end things. Simple enough way that she would have known of your intent.


The problem with "testing" someone is sometimes you find out what you suspect is absolutely true. Learned that in the vanilla dating scene on match.com. Nothing like sitting down to my computer and reading a post to "her" using a nickname he used for me and having him call me to tell me how much he missed me at the same time. Yes i did the really immature thing and carried it on until he had to make a choice between seeing me or meeting her. I let him drive the 2 hours here and then confronted him. And yeah, then i felt really stupid. Once we both agreed he was a dog and i was a bitch, we went to dinner and stayed friends.  Sigh....live and learn

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 8:57:05 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

hopefully you know the disease status of all those people you have been sexual with. If I were her I would want some sort of reassurance you had not given me AIDs, that alone would make me 10 shades of furious with you. It is just plain wrong not to share that you have engaged in high risk behavior like you related in the OP.

I edited this because I read that they seem to be working it out, but I felt my final paragraph was still relevant, and if I were her it is something I would be very concerned about

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 3/24/2007 9:06:27 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 9:17:00 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
But my past relationships are just that - PAST!  I don't share intimate details beyond generalisations, nor do I ask them of a partner beyond "Is there anything I *need* to know?"  Naturally health issues are relevant and if we're likely to be socialising with an ex, I'd wanna know that, too! 

Referring to my opening post here, I'm willing to provide a little more detail on "recent past" but as one of those boring types who was never into casual sex etc, esp with nameless strangers (MAJOR ick factor), there won't be any swinging tales to regale....

My line is obviously not yours - I'm cool with that.

Focus.


I think the girlfriend should be told
a) that he was an active swinger for X years from Y to Z years
b) that he's been broadly tested last time on X date
c) whether he sincerely feels at this time he would ever feel a desire to go back to it
d) if we're likely to meet any people he knew in the swing scene

Otherwise I agree, it's pretty much personal discretion and the girlfriend doesn't NEED to know unless it directly affects their current situation.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 9:27:00 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Otherwise I agree, it's pretty much personal discretion and the girlfriend doesn't NEED to know unless it directly affects their current situation.



In my mind there is a difference between disclosing every single sexual partner one has ever had and disclosing being recently involved with swinging. I think it was nonconsensual not to disclose that this was a lifestyle one was engaging in until they met me, and if this was hidden from me I would feel deceived. People have the right to exclude people from possible relationships based upon things like being involved in the swinging lifestyle in the last 5 years. Not informing a partner of this is just asking for problems, as is apparent by the OP and his experience.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: I have a question - 3/24/2007 11:49:48 PM   
themischievous1


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: springman30

Yes Im on notice, yes I have a long road ahead, yes I have learned a lesson. She is a wonderful person, and this shows her compassionate and caring nature. I can only hope to make her as proud to be my Submissive as I am to be her Dom.


This is just something that occurred to me as a little strange so I thought I would post about it. You're involved with this submissive "too shy" for the last four months, correct? You're involved enough to give her a training collar. To my mind this speaks of a commitment -shrug-

So why is your profile on this site not reflecting that commitment? I mean, essentially you've been off the market in terms of actively seeking other submissives, or are you going to be one who has more than one submissive in your collar? If not, why haven't you changed this particular profile to show that you're taken? It would seem that "shy's" profile reflects her commitment to you...

Anyway, I find this to be a little odd and think it would be something that would wiggle around in my mind at length if I were in a committed relationship and my new Dom still had an active profile open on a dating site. It would make me feel as if he wanted to have his cake and have a chance at eating it too. I mention this because, whatever you and shy wind up doing in the long run, if you don't want to f-up a second time, put some thought into consideration of your partner's feelings in advance. Or at the least, talk with her about it in some depth. It can't hurt, right?

(in reply to springman30)
Profile   Post #: 51
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