How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (Full Version)

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leather4pearls -> How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 8:34:10 AM)

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.



makemeDaddy -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 8:44:48 AM)

For me personally, i don't trust easily, however when i met Daddy, i trusted him immediately.  It was just a feeling i had, and 4 months later i have never once questioned it. 

As for how long it takes... i don't believe there is a set amount of time.   i think with any relationship it's always a work in progress, always a learning and growing experience. 

It either feels right or it doesn't.  If it doesn't feel right, trust your gut and move on.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 8:44:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls
I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.

You had a bad scene.  Trust me, it happens to everyone.  Not all scenes are great, some in fact are horrendous.  This seems pretty mild compared to some very bad one's I've known about.
quote:


My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.

You already know this- but you're only going to trust your master if you discuss it WITH EACHOTHER.  You had a problem, stop beating yourself up over it and start working on the CAUSE of it.  You made a mistake, you can either face it and start dealing with it directly and being a good slave, or you can keep avoiding it and acting like you're the one in charge.

Now, I don't know if he did anything egregious here either- maybe he pressured you not to safeword or did something specifically to make you feel like you had failed instead of you putting the pressure on yourself.

But if you can't work through just having a bad scene and facing the issues- then maybe the relationship isn't really meant to be anyway.

Now, onto the actual question- an intense fabulous connection can exist in a relationship from Day One.  It really can.

However, a relationship only grows in strength and stability over time.  I'm going to say a year to break past the initial 60 month honeymoon and time to go through a full years cycle of holidays, birthdays, rituals and life changes together.  But this isn't set in stone.

But the real issue is that if you get into a relationship and make a serious commitment- life WILL force you to go back and work through all the steps you skipped later on.

This is one of those steps.  Work on it together.



jauntyone -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 8:45:40 AM)

Greetings
 
Master and I have been together 4 years, and we are still developing and evolving. I hope that we never reach a stage where we say, our relationship has finished growing and developing.
 
I wish you well
 
melissa



AquaticSub -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 8:56:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.


How much did you talk about the scene before hand? When Valyraen and I were newly together, we used to talk about the scenes before we played them. For example: I was able to tell him that I didn't mind being tied up and left to play on the computer, but I didn't want him to leave the room or the house. Both for safety and concerns about how I would feel.

Over a year later Valyraen has a really good idea of what I like and don't like, and he knows where I can be pushed. Now he can leave me tied up and gagged and go downstairs to watch TV. I enjoy the torment. But if he had tried doing that eariler, I would have felt abandoned.

You can not force trust and I wouldn't play much in the way of a scene with a man I didn't trust. Valyraen wasn't allowed to tie me up at first. We started with drip candles, then moved onto the flogger and then onto resistence play using just his body to hold me down. Then when he did start tying me up, he used knots that I could get out of. Now he does whatever he wants because I do trust him utterly.

Now, we did all this while we were boyfriend/girlfriend. He was aware that I was a submissive and made sure to meet my needs. Since my needs were being met, I really didn't care if he called himself a dominant or not. I was still his in my mind and he treated me as such. We did not take our relationship in the direction of a 24/7 d/s relationship until six or seven months in. I don't think it's something that can be forced.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 8:59:05 AM)

how long? that depends on you and your Master as you continue to grow and evolve in your relationship. i have major trust issues with people and i'm happy that Daddy took his time gaining mine. He knew i needed to feel comfortable and safe being around and with Him before totally trusting and then completely submitting to Him. after nearly a year, we're still discovering more about each other ...growing as Daddy and daughter and evolving in our D/s relationship.



BeatMeDaily -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 9:07:20 AM)

assuming the 2 don't have to change styles to meet each others expectations...
Sometimes, having a new Dom/Domme or sub/slave is nice, because there are
no previous training issues or bad habits to break, and they can be molded to
be the perfect partner.  The best Domme i ever had knew little at 1st, but soon
Her instincts took over and She was really good.  Now, it's the eternal hunt for
something similiar, no, not a replica of Her, that would be a bad idea (LoL)
but someone who will learn what makes me tick and someone who knows
what turns herself on too.  I like Her, because She would incorporate things
i liked and that turned me on, why you ask? who cares if i like it?
She did when i was 8" inches long and throbbing, and sex lasted for 2-3
hours after the scene ended........ or She could've done stuff that did not turn me,
then not have such good sex.  But to each their own.
And yes, i feel You should have sex with Your slave, imagine that ..
But, this is MY opinion, if Y/you dont' like it, dont' worry about it.

and remember, "be more slave-like, so perfect Dom/Dommes won't lecture you"



scifisub42 -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 9:24:32 AM)

Well,   like she said, it takes time... I'd wonder a bit about you already deciding he's your master, when you've had so little experience.  I would suggest that you get more information, find some of the books, Like Wiseman's  SM101, or  The Bottoming Book, or Screw The Roses,  and read them..... Ultimately you are talking about a relationship,  and ANY good book on relationships will have the information you need (yes, even a vanilla one)  communication is very important. 

Every good relationship will take time,  Every one will have rough spots - it will be how you DEAL with them that will make it sucessful or not... (and that's on both sides)...  I think many people just throw up their hands and walk away when there is a rough spot, and they don't even really TRY to communicate with their partner and really work through the problem - we have become a disposable society -  marriages, cars, popcorn, everything... 
Just be careful that things do not become abusive, know the signs... and listen to your warning signals.
Good luck with the relationship!

scifi



FukinTroll -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 9:29:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.


ask yourself this.

Will, would, is he asking you to do anything that he is not willing to do himself?



OsideGirl -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 9:33:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.


And think being together longer will eradicate that possibility?

quote:

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.


You contradict yourself in this question and statement. First you ask about developing a realtionship, but then refer to him as your "Master" which infers that you have a dedicated relationship. (in my view)

Well, A) Every relationship progesses differently, so there is no answer for your question. and B) negotiations, expectations, needs and wants are things that you discuss before getting collared. Those things go along way in assisting trust and eliminate some surprises.So, if you're collared you may want to go back a step. If you're not collared, then just let the relationship flow and discuss things as they come up.

Also, you should discuss changing to a safeword that's easier for you. Red works well. It's short and easy to remember.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 12:33:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.
ONe bad scene has you questioning a 3 month relationship?..First off..one bad scene is simply that "one bad scene"..so what!...Is your whole relationship built only upon scening?Second off a 3 month relationship is a mere drop in the bucket, did you expect instant trust and depth of commitment in such a time frame..while many continue to work over the rocky shoals of any relationship in both the worlds we all occupy to gain that bonding, that closeness that trust, to be a full united front. It is and will be an ever developing progression...So to your question to "how long does it take to develop a "good" Master/sub relationship.....A LIFETIME....and frankly who would want it to be any other way?.........Tempting



akisha -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 12:47:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.

The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.


For every couple, triad, group, it's different. Some people it takes a long time to get into a place of full trust and ease of being with each other.

My last Dom I trusted from the moment he sat down beside me and I looked into his eyes. But others, I never did gain more then a basic comfort level when playing with them.  If i can't have atleast that basic comfort level I will not be involved with them at all.

Every one grows in a relationship at a different pace. The more you sit and actually talk to the other person or persons the more you learn of them and the more you tend to repect and trust them. And if not then you learn that they aren't the one you should be with.

I have learned (and this is just a me thing might not be the same for others) is that when i can relax and trust in the little things, I find it that much easier to trust and be comfortable with the big things.

My advice would be not to try adn force it. spend some time just doing together silly and fun things, and don't trya dn be too "proper or serious" when scening. You have to be at ease with your self and your partner to be able to release and open your self to them.

huggs

good luck and don't view a not perfect scene as a failure, but as a learning experience.



curiouslyseeking -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 12:57:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship? And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.


Trying not to over simplify or over complicate this answer....
 
For me, the relationship and trust starts at .... "hello"...from this point it slowly progresses.  If the trust wanes too far off course... then, the relationship ends at "good-bye".
 
I'm sure this philosophy would not work with everyone, but thus far on my journey, I've been very blessed and  fortunate. 
 
 



Celeste43 -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 3:49:15 PM)

Our relationship is almost four years old and we are still deepening it and yes, still having the occasional bad scene.

We're big into bondage except every so often he decides to tie me to a pole where I promptly have a panic attack. At which point he puts poles aside for another six months hoping I'll have worked out some of the issues. About the sixth time it finally clicked that the reason the one time it was good compared to all the bad ones was because that time I was tied to a deck pole with my feet spread so I didn't feel that I was off balance and also that was the one time my head wasn't tied.

Three years he's tried this and tabled it and it kept going bad. He would barely get me tied and quick he had to undo me and calm me down. But we're still together.

So how long to develop a good relationship? Forever, we keep working on the relationship, keep improving it.

What about bad scenes? If they're so bad that I can't bear to try them again they go on the limits list until I feel I'm ready to try it again with a change. If they're not so bad as to become a limit, we try them just very rarely and spend a lot of time afterwards talking about it.



LadyHugs -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 4:07:46 PM)

Dear leather4pearls, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see, affixing a 'time table' rigidly to a forming relationship is folly.
 
Relationship like trust developes in different speeds and in different ways.  Even the best of TOPS can have an off day and a scene can end in a sour note. 
 
It would be ashame if you were more focused on the time frame, rather than the moment by moment journey with your other.  Growth should be on your time--not mine, not others.
 
Each slave of mine grew in different ways and at different speeds.  One thing for certain though, is that patience is a requirement.  The old phrase; "Haste makes waste" is more true than false.  I much prefer having few slaves that lasted many years, than one Master a year, so in my mind's eyes I see, a person bragging they had five Masters in five years isn't successful in my mind's eyes.
 
That said, there are relationships which will be by it's destiny and design a 'step stone' to where it is never to last forever.  Most times these relationships last for two years at best but, the Dominant leaves the slave/submissive in better shape, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as physically.  Eventually, there will be the final choice that will be life's choice and a very lengthy and quality relationship.  It is important to have an understanding, that not all M/s or D/s relationships are forever.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 4:09:23 PM)

If one bad experience makes you question your relationship, then it really wasn't the relationship you thought it was.



Focus50 -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 4:43:38 PM)

A few points...
 
It's my experience that most subs are uncomfortable to the point of being unable to use their safeword, even when they need to.  They tend to rationalise it as failing their Dom and if I think she needs to use it, I'll stop and "safeword" myself - to demonstrate that its ok and has a purpose....  But as a relationship grows, safewords tend to become redundant and replaced by a greater trust in each other.
 
I've been doing this a long time and there are still times when a scene does not end so well.  Think of it like vanilla sex - was everytime great or rate even a pass mark?  lol  Failures are what motivate you to do better next time.  Naturally, D/s play has genuine physical dangers for the sub and an inexperienced Dom needs to be tempered by a strong ethic of safety and sensibility.  And whatever went wrong in your scene, I'd be esp alarmed if it was because he veiled his inexperience with ignorance and arrogance in order to "be tha man".  Mindless pride coupled with inexperience is a potent cocktail....
 
Subs generally feel emotional pain for a lot longer than anything physical and if that's where you are now, you do need to discuss it with him - and he NEEDS to listen.  Inexperience is tougher for Doms as the sub looks to them to lead, no matter what.  As long as they're honest and upfront about that inexperience and show a sensible approach to learning new things, there's no reason to regard inexperience as dangerous.
 
There is no apprenticeship to an M/s relationship beyond what you both decide - can be day one or decade two!  When it's no longer a concern, you're probably there.
 
Focus.



leather4pearls -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 5:26:39 PM)

I also want to mention that we have been married for 17 years, and it is this lifestyle that is new. We are both trying to find new interests within our marriage.  



KnightofMists -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/24/2007 7:11:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leather4pearls

I have been in this lifestyle for 3 months with a Master whom I assume has about the same experinece. We have discusssed a safe word, and desires and limits, ect.


You """Assume"""!!! he has about the same experience of 3 months???!!!........... mmmmmmmm gosh now that is what I called indepth discussion in learning about each other.  This is indeed a relationship that has been built on a solid foundation!

quote:


The 4th time we tried a scene it ended with me not being comfortable with what was going on, not being able to mutter the 3 sylable safe word, and both of us dissapointed that the evening ended on a sour note.


mmmmm 3 months experience for the both of you... mmmmmmmmm have to wonder what the experience actual is made of.

quote:


My question is...how long does it take to develop a relationship?


that really depends on the individuals and the quality of the communcation and the their compatiability and a host of other things.

quote:


And do I dare say...I feel there is much more to discuss before I can trust my Master.


mmmmmmmmm you think?



swtnsparkling -> RE: How long does it take to develop a good Master?Sub relationship? (3/25/2007 3:00:29 AM)

I read the post and began to answer it. Then thought maybe I should read responses first as to not repeat what some one else said.
Sure enough  LA gave some great advice




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