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What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:13:15 AM

Smileyking1

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I have put a considerable amount of time into throught about the BDSM lifestyle and am very curious. What draws us to such a lifestyle? What does this reflect about ourselves as individuals? and a volley of other questions I will spare you, but for me I found the answer....

We are like metals...when broken down we are malleable....

Through pain...through suffering...through humiliation we are broken...

When we are broken it is of our nature to frantically seek escape...should another human be present to provide us with that then we can like metals meld with them...

Some bonds are hard to break...and for me BDSM is a way to strengthen these bonds...

To the general populus and through direct thought the idea sounds absurd and insane, why would somebody want to go through this? It would be considered weird, freakish, or abnormal...but might there not be a deeper meaning behind apparent sexual activities?

Could we not possibly seek support and wish it to be enduring? Might we not see this as a way to ensure that?

To give yourself or to have somebody given to you in such a way is a commitment that tests the limit of human capabilities, similiar to the bound which captives and their captors experience...

In my opinion the activities in BDSM are all forms of the same concept, and that is the ultimate ability of human intimacy possible...

Give me your thoughts...

< Message edited by Smileyking1 -- 3/26/2007 1:17:14 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:16:49 AM

hisannabelle

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From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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i do it because it's who i am. i just am not comfortable in "vanilla" relationships. it's like that anais nin quote - i do not mind having to hold my own and be emotionally independent, but if i can have the kind of intimate relationship i want, so that i can be who i truly am, this is the kind of intimate relationship i choose. i don't do it specifically because of the commitment and surrender, and all the perks in terms of trust and such that come from that, but yeah, it's nice that i have a level of trust with my dominant that hasn't been present in my vanilla relationships. mostly i do it because i wouldn't have it any other way.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:19:58 AM

Smileyking1

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Being able to stand and being able to stand with strength are two different things....a piece of wood can 'stand' but the wind will blow it over...where as a piece of steel is much harder to displace...

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:25:00 AM

SusanofO

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I really don't have any explanation and so I figure (don't laugh, I really mean it) that I was a slave in a past life or something. I have zero explanation for why I have this interest in D/s or bdsm. I had the most normal childhood you could imagine, and was never abused at all and never wanted for anything, really. My parents argued frequently, (but they did love eachother, and these arguments never got "physical" between them) but other than that, there was nothing odd about my childhood. I just figure this interest of mine in bdsm was pre-destined.

It is the same way I explain my intense fear of heights - because I really have no very good explanation for that, either. Either these inclinations were predestined, or perhaps they are genetic predispositions (maybe that's the same thing, in a way, though).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 1:28:40 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:28:09 AM

Smileyking1

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I am of the belief that it is subconcious...that we reach out to such an idea in our subconscious and it gradually begins to take form till maturity. This seems to be hyper-stimulated by intellect, given as an example I will point out that most people in the lifestyle appear or show signs of paranormal IQ/

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Post #: 5

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:29:35 AM

SusanofO

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I see some fairly sophisticated thinkers (well-educated or not) in the "bdsm world", but, I've also seen some real wackos I wouldn't trust to walk my own dog across a street. There are some folks I've seen that seem to be really mature, intelligent, creative, well-intentioned types. I've also noticed a few folks that I think could indeed pose a clear danger to someone else, as they seem to have little clue (or need to investigate) what motivates their own behavior, and yet seem highly taken with the idea of "molding someone else", or "being molded" (Yikes!).

This actually really only becomes alarming to me when I see someone who clearly has "anger managment" or severe self-esteem issues who cannot admit it, attempting to use bdsm as some kind of outlet to act on them in an obviously unhealthy way. I think they are eventually probably going to become intimately acquainted with law enforcement, or screw up soenone else's life (or their own) pretty badly, probably. I also though, have very positive and healthy impressions of lots of folks interested in bdsm as well.

In any case, I think someone would have to have an open mind to want to investigate the "world of bdsm" and act it out in a real-life relationship.

I am speculating that more than a few people would perhaps be interested in a basic "bdsm urge", but never read or investigate it further, let alone take their interest into a real-life, physical plane. For someone who likes to normally think about these things, I have yet to come up with an explanation that I find completely satisfying as far as why (I think) people do this. Every explanation just seems incomplete to me, so far. So, I'll just keep thinking about it, I guess.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 2:18:52 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Smileyking1)

Post #: 6

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:35:07 AM

Smileyking1

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Paranormal meaning deviant from standard, and in this case above average.

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:40:07 AM

SusanofO

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Well, I dunno. Maybe. I think at the very least, the folks I've met and talked to who are interested in bdsm, are definitely more open-minded than the average person, IMO, when it comes to expressing and discussing their sexuality.

However, I've found they can be very diverse in their thinking (read: Not necessarily "liberal") when it comes to other things, like: Political points of view, and also what they read, and their opinions on a wide range of topics not bdsm related. I make this statement based on reading these message boards for 2 years, and also on the few folks I've talked to personally who have a bdsm interest or "life-style".

I am not quite sure what to what I attribute anyone's interest in bdsm. I could say it was all determined on an individual, case-by-case basis, but since there's a good 10% (supposedly) of humans with this inclination, I am guessing there could maybe be some larger societal or genetic factor at work.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 1:58:31 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Smileyking1)

Post #: 8

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:46:11 AM

Smileyking1

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I think people's motives are their own, I present just my personal motive. There are likely a lot of common unrecognized reasons for people to live this way, and a lot of stranger more elusive ones.

also....

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

Hope carries within it needles, not feathers.
IE. Pandoras Box

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 9

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:48:13 AM

SusanofO

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If I scoped out the internet, maybe I'd find someone doing actual research on this somewhere (seriously). Maybe I will check it out - if I find anything of interest regarding this thread topic, I will report back. It is an interesting question, IMO.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 1:58:55 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Smileyking1)

Post #: 10

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:50:04 AM

Smileyking1

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I am certain there is. BDSM poses to psychologists a theoretical nightmare that they are no where near close to solving...this amuses Smiley...

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 1:54:43 AM

SusanofO

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I attribute some of it to just basic primal sexual instinct inside people who feel compelled to act on it in some way. That seems rather straightforward to me. I don't see folks w/this inclination as "over-sexed" , just more open about what they perceive as their "sexual and relationship needs".

Then again, some psychologists do like to make everything seem terribly complex. These are the same folks, mind you, who up until the mid-1980's classified homosexuality as a pathologocal disorder, so I am not putting lots of stock in what they determine, as I see knowledge about humanity in general as constantly evolving.

It might be fascinating to read about what some might currently theorize about any "innate origins" of bdsm activity (or it might make me laugh), but - no matter what any theorize, I am determined to have fun with it, even if it turns out it is some weird manifestation of a death wish, or something.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 2:20:03 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Smileyking1)

Post #: 12

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 2:14:01 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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I read somewhere (sadly I cannot seem to find the article) that people who are involved in BDSM as a lifestyle (not the casual players) tend to have higher IQs than those in mainstream society. With that being said, I believe it is due to our natural curiosities, to learn all we can about whatever subjects interest us. Since sexuality is such a strong part of our persona it would only seem natural for us to be curious about how to expand it and make it better, more interesting, more exciting, etc. I believe that anyone who has an IQ over 130ish is inclined to more abstract thought processes and see BDSM as a natural fit.

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Post #: 13

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 2:22:37 AM

SusanofO

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Well I heard that somewhere else once, too. Maybe it is true, I dunno. I wonder if there is a correlation between being open-minded in general, and being smart. I think open-minded folks in general are easier to have discussions with, in most cases.

What I personally really appreciate, though, is when I am talking to someone about deeper topics, and I don't have to explain in detail every little thing I say, they just "get it"; we have a "connection". It is like magic to me, almost, when this happens. Usually this is someone I've known at least casually for awhile, though, so that might account for some of the "connection." Although rarely, it can happen with someone I don't know very well.

What I really dis-like is talking to someone who has so many predjudices they're just unaware of (or they're aware of them, and don't care if they seem petty, inane, stupid, or mean to anyone else) - it's like I'll be talking to someone 30 or 40 years old, and they seem much more like a really grouchy, hardened 85 year-old, for example (no ageist predjudice intended, truly, by that remark). It's as if they have simply stopped evolving, for whatever reason.

In what I view as even a mediocre incarnation, I think a D/s relationship can manifest as the most intimate I've certainly ever encountered, and I personally find that much more rewarding than painful, overall, when compared to a "vanilla" relationship (for myself). I am not dissing "vanilla" relationships, either. I like them too, I just like D/s relationships more. I keep waiting for "the novelty" of it to wear off, and it just hasn't. I am glad, because I do really enjoy bdsm, and figure I am deeply inclined toward this for the "long-haul" for myself.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 3:01:29 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)

Post #: 14

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 2:35:18 AM

Hime

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Joined: 10/31/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smileyking1

What draws us to such a lifestyle?
What does this reflect about ourselves as individuals?
To the general populus and through direct thought the idea sounds absurd and insane, why would somebody want to go through this?

I can only speak for myself.

The "draw" for me is to the conscious forethought and consideration that is given to the boundaries and expectations of the relationship. I respect the Structure, Cherish the openness, and Love the non-judgmental nature of those that I have had the opportunity of knowing in the BDSM & D/s community.

It certainly "reflects" my innate nature (to be dominant) I feel at ease in a position of authority. Teaching, Leading, or Encouraging....they are all things that I do inherently.

I pursue this Lifestyle so that I can achieve more balance in my life. Although I do teach, lead, and encourage in the vanilla expression of myself, I Need More (more Sexual Force and Power behind my Authority). My public life is very limited and in some ways dictated by the "perceptions" others have of Me. D/s allows me the opportunity to express the core of my personality that the vast majority may never get a chance to experience.

It's unfortunate to say, without this outlet, I may never get the chance to fulfill myself otherwise.

~ xoxo

_____________________________

"The most effective leader is the one who satisfies the psychological needs of his followers" --David Ogilvy

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 2:47:18 AM

Smileyking1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domin8tingUrDrmz

I read somewhere (sadly I cannot seem to find the article) that people who are involved in BDSM as a lifestyle (not the casual players) tend to have higher IQs than those in mainstream society. With that being said, I believe it is due to our natural curiosities, to learn all we can about whatever subjects interest us. Since sexuality is such a strong part of our persona it would only seem natural for us to be curious about how to expand it and make it better, more interesting, more exciting, etc. I believe that anyone who has an IQ over 130ish is inclined to more abstract thought processes and see BDSM as a natural fit.

Ironically enough I believe 95% of people fall between the ranges of 70 and 130 as for their IQ. I am inclined to agree that somebody with a higher IQ would focus on more abstract concepts...and we are definitely in that realm here...just ask the 95% =D this is slightly satyrical and for that I appologize...not really haha

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)

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RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 3:05:46 AM

SusanofO

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Well there are some people who are just not inclined to ever question the beliefs they were raised with, at all. I am not sure how much this correlates with intelligence, although I tend to believe there might indeed be a correlation. I'd also be interested to know the age correlation, although age seems pretty spread evenly across the board, at least on these message boards.

As far as real-life activity goes, I think I read somewhere there is a stronger correlation between being active in a D/s relationship that contains bdsm activity and being middle-aged (meaning 35-55), but I am not sure how true this is anymore (the study could have been 20 years old, or something).

I figure to really have the nerve to buck a well-entrenched social trend (like "vanilla" relationships) someone either has to have intense interest (which might correlate to being smarter, possibly) or else not have much to lose (which can sometimes correlate to being younger and less established), or both, but I could be off-base in thinking those things, and I am not sure how that plays out in real life, as far as age or brains.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/26/2007 3:10:12 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Smileyking1)

Post #: 17

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 3:11:26 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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Humor is a wonderful thing, even if it is sarcastic in nature, so, no need for an apology - just bring me my paddle and bend over my knee

. That should make it even

.

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Post #: 18

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 3:19:09 AM

MistressLucyFurr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Smileyking1

Being able to stand and being able to stand with strength are two different things....a piece of wood can 'stand' but the wind will blow it over...where as a piece of steel is much harder to displace...

Hi Smiley!

Depends on the mass of the piece of wood/steele and the strength of the wind whether or not it can be knocked over. And strength is subject to point of view. One who is cripple but who stands for the first time in years stands with strength although they may be easily knocked over and forced to stand again and again, where one who can not be moved may stumble and be knocked over in the darkness of one's own convictions because she/he is not pliable.........and the wind is such a shifty thing for those with no pliability (is that a word, or did I make it up *heh*). My point being.............there is no right or wrong state of mind and therein the balance of body and soul to follow on a subject ..........only different for each person.

BDSM to me is a diamond with infinite facets of intimate imagination. Imagination which is all too commonly discarded or diminished as life hurtles one into adulthood all though it is just as vital and a part of being human as a tangible definable reality. In fact, why one does it and chasing that reason's enigma is why it holds such beauty to myself, personally. You'll never find an absolute answer. One can drive themselves mad over it, relish in it, or like you, find kindred spirits to philosophize over it. The reason(s) is/are as unique and varied as each individual who engages in it with some aspects shared by others.....yet another wonderful thing about it.

I would have to say in my perception I immerse in it because of all of the above and more reasons I have yet to venture upon.

Good post, vivid analogies, most enjoyable!

Luci

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Post #: 19

RE: What draws us? - 3/26/2007 3:24:33 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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Susan,

I believe that open-mindedness is very strongly correlated to intelligence. Those who are capable of seeing many different views on any subject are able to process all of the information and form their own decisions. People who cannot see but one, or maybe two, sides of a subject do not have enough information to come to a decision on their own accord, instead, they follow the majorities decisions or the decisions of those closest to them. I often see friends of mine who make their decisions on political topics based on the local news coverage - how sad is that? I see people who make financial decisions based on what their parents did - even if their parents are struggling to make ends meet. These people are often content with vanilla (not that there is anything wrong with vanilla -vanilla ice cream with blackberries is delicious

) and do not seek anything else. They often settle for convenience, for a mediocre home, have a mediocre job, and wonder why they cannot achieve happiness. Those with open minds often strive for greater things - not necessarily material things - but for deeper love, greater happiness, and rarely settle for anything less than they feel they can accomplish.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 20

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