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Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 8:37:43 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		In the interest of addressing an issue that is of concern for some... I start this thread.

How do you be discreet?  or are you?  Is there things you are discreet at and some you are not?

We have a variety of issues we are confronted with that motivates some individuals to consider the above questions.  So.. I asked the above questions to discuss issue of being discreet. 

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.
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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 8:40:46 PM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		If you mean discreet as in "relations with others that are married/engaged/taken" -- no, I'm not discreet.

If you mean discreet as in "maintaining silence about the lifestyle in public" -- I am very much so.

I suppose what I am saying is that I need more information on your definition of "discreet" to properly answer.

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afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 8:43:49 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		First, you get married.

Then.....

Jeff

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 8:45:43 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		I do not discuss the scene with vanilla people unless I know that they are interested, or a trusted friend who can handle the truth.

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"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 8:46:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Project the attitude everything is completely normal and fine and what a lovely day we're having.

Act with impeccable if not supreme manners.

This works for almost anything when you're going about day to day life.


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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 9:06:42 PM   
MstrTiger


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/14/2006
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Project the attitude everything is completely normal and fine and what a lovely day we're having.

Act with impeccable if not supreme manners.

This works for almost anything when you're going about day to day life.



I think that is only a small part of it, you also have to be able to suppress or hide part of yourself well and that is not something I am not good at doing I would say that I have impeccable manners though I am not very good at hiding who I am even with lots of window dressing so I would have to say that overall I am not discreet in the slightest.

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 9:32:00 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		I normally let others determine my discretion. The idea is don't ask if you don't want to know. Ask - and you get the truth. Some of our friends know as a result of questions asked, some didn't need to ask. Some "vanillas" who asked turned out to have a little flavoring in their lives too. It was interesting to find out that a neighbor, active in the neighborhood political scene was also active in the LA "swinging" scene. They had been at our house often and the wife noticed some of the interaction between beth and I. One day when I wasn't there the wife asked, and beth answered with the truth; which in turn led them to tell her the truth. They enjoyed a tour of our dungeon and we expect soon they'll ask to try it.

I equate "discreet" to acting. Like telling a drunk person to "act straight"; sometimes its just not possible. Sometimes you have to, but you try to make those times few and far between. Is it discretion to not bring up your sex life in general conversation, or casual banter at the office? When you go shopping do you say; "You're welcome, and by the way that's my slave pushing the cart." to the cashier? We "act" normal. We live 24/7 as M/s but that's "normal" to us.

If acting isn't involved what's the other reason for discretion - something to hide? Can't think of anyone that our relationship would be require secrecy. There's a locked room in our house, but its for security as much as for the toys within.

We aren't "closeted" but there is no "Scarlet Letter" on any of our clothes. The tattoos, if seen, would be a "tell", so would a ring beth wears. beth's "collar" is a silver chain most days. Anyone in public and looking at her ankles may see the bulge of a cuff under her jeans and/or socks.

We deal with discretion on a case by case basis. We are proud of our life together and don't feel there is anything that we do that merits shame.

I would say our discretion amounts to hiding in plane sight.

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 9:38:06 PM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline 		I'm not particularly discreet. I'll sit in a restaurant and edit my conversation if there are any children around, but otherwise I'll talk about what I like in a low voice. Not all of my family knows that I do, but most of my friends have some idea, as do a few of my co-workers.

I recently parted company temporarily with a stunt bottom who couldn't furnish proof that their spouce (they claimed they were legally seperated) gave their blessing about our play. Said stunt bottom get back to me after their divorce is final in a few months.

If it's a problem that my partner's friends could see me going into the Crypt, Babeland or helping out at a Pride booth for our local sex-positive community center then ... no, I wouldn't be considered discreet enough for them.

When I've spoken to my Daddy's step-mother and brother, kink never came up. It wasn't a restriction, but nobody asked me and I didn't feel a burning need to volunteer the information.

I guess I'm somewhere between middlin' and not remotely discreet.

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 9:53:33 PM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		As far as friends and family, that depends on the questions they ask, which have been very few, thankfully.  They're not ready to hear the truth, we think.  We don't hide who we are.  We try to hide what we do.  It wouldn't be a stretch for anyone that knows us relatively well to put two and two together.  We don't broadcast it, but if asked specifically, we don't lie. 

As far as others in the lifestyle, we're discreet with any private information anyone is kind enough to share with us.  Addresses and phone numbers for private parties, etc.  We don't freely distribute the directions to private get-togethers.  We try not to talk about who we saw there or what they did, unless asked directly.  And even then, we only talk about those types of things to other people that attended that same event.  We don't ask if "such and such" is their real name.  We don't ask where they work.  Vanilla personal information is better left for the intimate relationships, in my view.

We don't approach others we know to be in the lifestyle while they're out in vanilla public unless they make it known to us by word or gesture that they don't mind speaking to us, giving a hug, or whatnot.  We definitely go out of our way to avoid saying something as ill-mannered as "Aren't you that slave we saw at that S&M party last weekend?!"  (Something horrifyingly similar happened to a Dominant friend of ours out in public while she was doing business with her boss.)

So when it comes to us, we're as discreet as we want/need to be.  With others and their information, we're as discreet as possible.

As always, YMMV...

~MrsShadows~

_____________________________

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 10:16:32 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am very discreet. I am currently vowing not to tell any of my "vanilla" friends about my bdsm interests ever again, because the one person I did tell handled it well for awhile, and then apparently ran across some bdsm websites she felt were "too hard-core" and she now thinks that everyone with an interest in bdsm participates in the more "extreme" stuff.

I told her that's not true, but also said that even if it was, it would still be (presumably) consensual.  She just had a really hard time with what she viewed, apparently, it was more extreme S/m "after a beating" photos. 

I am kind of ticked she'd be on some kind of "moral high horse" about it, and even though we've been friends for a long time (almost 20 years), and she had initially expressed interest in learning more about bdsm (although all I ever really did in that regard for her was refer her to a few bdsm websites). 

I told her that at this point, I consider bdsm activity part of my sexuality, and that because of that I really think that it is not territory that is open fodder for her, or anyone else's, judgments about its "morality".

I said if we can't agree on the "okayness" of the existence of bdsm as a life-style or an interest, then we should probably just avoid the topic, then. That is, if we want to stay friends. I was annoyed that she started to express a bit of revulsion, because we've already discussed this more than once. I mean, I can understand it, but can't she just not look at it? Can't she just not comment?

Plus, she is way too intelligent to lump all bdsm practitoners into one basket like she seemed to do after veiwing those websites (I told her that, too). She already has known for over a year about my bdsm interests, and had not expressed any particular predjudice about it before, so I guess I was disappointed, and a little surprised.

Not to mention if we are talking "skeletons' in closets she has a few of her own. Maybe she is just having an "off" week or something.  Unfortunately, though, I realize it that it can be fodder for personal gossip about someone, regardless of whether or not it should be, and so in my personal life, I am very discreet.

She isn't going to tell anyone about my interest, but there are days sometimes I do get so ticked at some folks I wonder if I even care anymore, what anyone thinks. But, I belong to 3 volunteer organizations that would not understand this interest of mine - at all. Plus, it would just kill my father if he found out (I know this).

So. The only other person in my life who is not into bdsm who knows I am interested in it is one of my two sisters - and I am positive she is not telling anyone else in my family (we have an "understanding" about that. Because I know they couldn't handle it, and I just don't want to complicate my life by going there...)

*As far as my being discreet on someone else's behalf, I definitely azlways am. It's just a "given" for me, that unless someone eis very "out" about their bdsm life-style and-or interest, and alos has given me express permission, I don't mention it to anyone. I'd consider that a huge betrayal of trust, and wouldn't consider "outing" anyone, deliberately or "accidentally."  

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/27/2007 10:34:04 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to TheShadows)
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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 10:21:23 PM   
hawkwolf7


Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

In the interest of addressing an issue that is of concern for some... I start this thread.

How do you be discreet? or are you? Is there things you are discreet at and some you are not?

We have a variety of issues we are confronted with that motivates some individuals to consider the above questions. So.. I asked the above questions to discuss issue of being discreet.


I'd love to offer input, but I need more info...

_____________________________

p.s. Everything I write is simply one person's opinion: mine. Feel free to take what is useful and blow off the rest.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 11:17:28 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Depends on who i'm talking to and about what.  Depends on the value i hold the person in and how close to home they can hit.  It also depends on what it is.  Depends on the damange that can be done.  Depends on whose involved and their feelings on the matter. 

i consider being discreet as to knowing when to keep your mouth shut. 


< Message edited by Devilslilsister -- 3/27/2007 11:19:14 PM >

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i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/27/2007 11:59:52 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		As far as how I am discreet, if someone asks me a question I don't wish to answer, I say I am not comfortable discussing it, or act surprised they ask me about it at all (depending on what it is), or else just change the subject, and hope they take the hint. If they don't take the hint, and press me further, I am not opposed to being more direct, as in saying something like:

"Oh gosh, that's just something I don't discuss. Whether other people want to discuss certain things is up to them, of course, but I make my own decisions about these things, and I just don't. I'm sure you can understand that." 

This last sentence pretty successfully puts a damper on further attempts by someone to get information from me that I don't intend to divulge, due to making me feel silly, or shy, or "old-fashioned", or whatever they'd maybe make me try to feel, to get me to spill whatever gossip, or dirty little secret they want to know.

That's pretty much how I handle Q's about friends' lives as well, if someone wants to gossip about what I consider an inappropriate area, or one I'd consider potentially very damaging to their reputation.

As far as what I am discreet about, I try to ask myself: Would I definitely be offended if a friend or acquaintance were gossiping in a particular area about my own life? If the answer is yes, (or even maybe) I usually don't. And I never do, if it is something I am pretty sure they don't want divulged, even if they've not expressly requested I not tell anyone else.

If they have expressly asked me not to tell anyone, I don't, even if it doesn't seem like a "big deal" to me personally (as there are some things I personally am more open about than some people I know, while in other areas of my own life, I am  "quirkily" silent, even with friends.) 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 3/28/2007 12:18:33 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 12:01:49 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

How do you be discreet?  or are you?  Is there things you are discreet at and some you are not?

Overall I'm very discreet for a variety of reasons.  First among them being that I am generally a private person, there are aspects of my life I simply do not share with just anyone.  Second, wisdom.  There are some things that I feel it is unwise to put into the public domain.  As Kipling put it, "if neither foe nor loving friend can hurt you."  While I do at times leave myself vulnerable to a degree, I usually have a mind towards limiting the damage anyone could cause.  You just never know when someone will try.  Growing up in the South a certain level of discretion was also associated with civility, and with class, and its a habit I respect and admire as well as finding to generally be sensible.  So in short, I generally strive to keep my private life exactly that... private.  You folks will just have to wonder and wait about all the details until I'm dead and someone writes my biography.

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 12:24:19 AM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		i am not discreet about things which concern me only.. like for instance the gigantic size of Thor...why hide greatness i say? but about other people's business i will take that to the grave... say 4 instance fukin troll eva decides to give up his ass 2 me... i will b the soul of discretion and not rate the experience to my dom buds... as far as my involvement in d lifestyle..nah. even my mom knows about that, and all my boys down at the copshop know about what i get n2... sum a dem r 2... u know we have access to lots of handcuffs, LOL

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 2:03:34 AM   
canupleaseme


Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		Im discreet about my lifestyle with my family.  My friends all know who I am and what I do but I dont discuss certain things with them like I wouldnt discuss some aspects of my vanilla life with them.  If they ask me Im open and infromative.  It depends very much on who I am talking to I have one friend I could discuss alsorts with and one who I couldnt at all.
It all depends on who it is.


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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 2:26:58 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Since i live in South Carolina where it is the accepted norm to call all males 'sir' and all females 'ma'am' its a whole lot easier to be myself and be discreet.  Master gave me a collar of pearls and everyone knows pearls go with everything *grin* but as far as tell people about BDSM activities, i have a don't ask don't tell attitude because that really isn't anyone's business.  

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Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 2:39:35 AM   
SirDiscipliner69


Posts: 2607
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		Being discrete can be something as simple as not taking a neon sign out letting everyone know of My nature.

Not riding around with an ostinatious car and the license plate DISCIPLINE

When shopping for carpets not hitting on a woman letting her know that the quality of carpet defines the quality of rug burn

Finding a good implement in a thrift store and not going through the paces of seeing if it is ok with nearby pillows or funiture in front of other shoppers

Not going in pets mart until late and making the buggy whips crack and pop in the back

Not going into local video store and asking the cute girl at the counter everynight if The Pet is in yet or if The Secretary is still out while full knowing the answer

Not dressing to play and going into work because I intend on leaving right for the club after I put in overtime

Not standing in front of the local Bally window watching women work out while making spanking motions while watching them

I am sure there are more I haven't mentioned

Ross
©º°¨¨°º©

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 3:21:18 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
I am unable to fully answer, simply because I do not know what you mean by 'discreet' - the context in which you place the word would help.
 
I expect I am discreet sometimes, but I cannot say howso.  I simply adapt to the situation I am in at the time whilst remaining true to myself and my partner.  I am open about what interests me and what I am into and who I am with anyone who knows me, but I do not thrust it onto people and force it down their throats.
And above all, never lie.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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RE: Being Discreet - 3/28/2007 4:18:20 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline
quote:

i consider being discreet as to knowing when to keep your mouth shut.


That pretty much sums it up.

We are very discreet around her family.  They do not know anything and it would be a disaster if they did.  We don't do anything in public to draw attention to us.  There are "subtle" things that someone who knows will pick up on but we are not into outwardly displaying things about our relationship to others.  I am a very private person to begin with so I do not share much with people I am not close with to begin with.

K




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